Nov 22, 2010

True love

My love for my wife is eternal as I pledged to her that fateful day a few months ago. As I found out last night it's reciprocated.

My stomach was churning from digesting awful frozen Costco food that was consumed the previous evening. I complained about it and the wife handed me some Tums. I eat a couple hoping that it would help matters, to which it did, but not in a manner that was pleasant.

I take the dogs outside while the wife was lying in bed watching television. As I'm about to shut the door I felt the gas creep through me and I couldn't hold it any longer. I decided instead of wandering into the room with a farty butt I let it all out in the living room hoping the wife couldn't hear.

"OH MY GOD," she cried with a giggle. My attempts at stealth failed me as she worried about my colon rupturing.

We laughed it off as I stood still in the living room so not to bring the nauseating aroma into the bedroom. She thanked me.

I finally go in the room to watch television with her, but my butt had yet to release all of it's gaseous contents. I make an excuse to get a drink of water in the kitchen and it happened again, this time at a decibel so loud I'm sure our poor neighbors were shook awake.

"OH MY GOD," she repeated as she laughed some more. What she failed to realize is that I was doing some hip shaking in conjunction with each passing of the gas for reasons I can't explain. I guess if farting is worth doing, it's worth doing right. She did not bear witness to such comedy, but that's probably for the best.

Being a newlywed everyones' given me advice on everything from finances, child discipline, religion, and how to let her decorate everything if you want to maintain a happy relationship. No one had told me how to properly fart and for this they've all failed me. I think wedding officiants need to include this in couples' vows.

"I promise to stand beside you in sickness, in fartiness, and in health."

It doesn't exactly spark a romantic note, but all couples should take this into consideration when tying the knot. Thankfully my wife continues to be married to me after all I subjected her to last night. It was a good sign that I have a wonderful life partner.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut


Anonymous said...

That's the dream. To be with a woman who will put up with a loud and nauseous fart.

Miss Ash said...

Does this mean you've broken the fart barrier and can fart infront of her at anytime even if you haven't consumed farty food??

Claire said...

Bwahahahaha! Brilliant. Here's to true love.