True love

My love for my wife is eternal as I pledged to her that fateful day a few months ago. As I found out last night it's reciprocated.

My stomach was churning from digesting awful frozen Costco food that was consumed the previous evening. I complained about it and the wife handed me some Tums. I eat a couple hoping that it would help matters, to which it did, but not in a manner that was pleasant.

I take the dogs outside while the wife was lying in bed watching television. As I'm about to shut the door I felt the gas creep through me and I couldn't hold it any longer. I decided instead of wandering into the room with a farty butt I let it all out in the living room hoping the wife couldn't hear.

"OH MY GOD," she cried with a giggle. My attempts at stealth failed me as she worried about my colon rupturing.

We laughed it off as I stood still in the living room so not to bring the nauseating aroma into the bedroom. She thanked me.

I finally go in the room to watch television with her, but my butt had yet to release all of it's gaseous contents. I make an excuse to get a drink of water in the kitchen and it happened again, this time at a decibel so loud I'm sure our poor neighbors were shook awake.

"OH MY GOD," she repeated as she laughed some more. What she failed to realize is that I was doing some hip shaking in conjunction with each passing of the gas for reasons I can't explain. I guess if farting is worth doing, it's worth doing right. She did not bear witness to such comedy, but that's probably for the best.

Being a newlywed everyones' given me advice on everything from finances, child discipline, religion, and how to let her decorate everything if you want to maintain a happy relationship. No one had told me how to properly fart and for this they've all failed me. I think wedding officiants need to include this in couples' vows.

"I promise to stand beside you in sickness, in fartiness, and in health."

It doesn't exactly spark a romantic note, but all couples should take this into consideration when tying the knot. Thankfully my wife continues to be married to me after all I subjected her to last night. It was a good sign that I have a wonderful life partner.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut