Husband speak

Still being a newlywed I'm constantly learning the ropes of how to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife. As any married person will tell you communication is key, but what they sometimes fail to mention is that talking is only a small part of it. To have a happy home you must learn the language you're not familiar with and that is the linguistics of modern American females.

In high school and college we're encouraged to learn a second language, but no one offers academic achievements for trying to understand the language of the fairer sex. We can learn Ebonics and other dialects of every region of our country, but boys are never given the keys to a happy life, which is how to interpret how women talk.

Well boys I'm here to help. Below is a translation guide for all who may be confused by the words women speak that may not fit their mannerisms. Pay attention class, for this is important.

Her: Are you wearing that? - Now the simple answer is yes, you are indeed donning the attire she obviously sees in front of her. This response is not the correct one. You are to simply say, "Why no honey I was just about to change into an outfit that you will kindly pick out for me, because you know what looks good on me." Bonus points for saying, "I know I'll love whatever you pick."

Her: Are you going to play video games/watch football/play guitar/watch movies all day? - To reply that it was your plan to veg out on the couch for the entirety of a weekend day will normally result in her rescheduling your activities and you may find yourself doing chores you absolutely hate. The only good response to this is, "Babe, I was just going to catch the last few minutes of the game/play this one level/spend a few minutes strumming/watch the first half hour of this movie. Then I'm going to (insert chore you least hate here) and then maybe we can sit and watch something together."

Her: Does this make me look fat? - My friend Walt said there was only one correct response to this. When your wife asks you this horrible question simply look her up and down, grab her, proclaim she's never looked sexier, and try to manhandle her in ways that would make Caligula blush. You'll never hear that question again.

Her: Do you think she's pretty? - Sometimes it's appropriate to say yes, because women know when you're lying, but always follow that up with, "not as beautiful as you." If she's asking about one of your exes always, and I mean always say, "Honey, all my exes are fat ugly whores who live as trolls under a bridge."

There is however; some learning needed to be done for women when trying to understand their husbands. Since I'm all about equality I shall help the dear lasses that read this blog:

Him: I'm fine. - Normally this is true, but on occasion his demeanor will look less than pleasant. This usually means he couldn't get the pick fucking lawn mower to start and the jackass peon at the shop wasn't any help and he's pissed that he has to spend another $60 for parts to fix the friggin choke and would like to smash the manufacturers testicles with a ball peen hammer and would rather not share his murderous thoughts.

Him: Yes honey I'd love to watch your favorite television shows tonight. I can never get enough of Sex and the City. - He'd rather have a mixture of rubbing alcohol and ox diarrhea poured directly into his eyes.

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never." - Jack Benny