My friend Kevin calls me on Saturday announcing that he has his daughter Crystal over and would like me to come and visit. Her mother is insane and he's had difficulty with her agreeing to visitation rights among other things. I could go on and on about Crystal's mom and how she's not fit to take care of herself much less a child, but it depresses me just to think about it.
I head up to Everett and take the child to Toys R Us which is one of my favorite places ever. Crystal tore up the place taking bikes off the racks and riding them up and down the aisles with great speed. She had to try out every tricycle and bike that was equipped with training wheels or she threw a tantrum. Kevin of course let the derby commence.
After what seemed like forever in the store I finally picked out a My First Leap Pad Learning Desk for her. Kevin was very stoked cause he really wanted some learning toys for her which her mother never provides. We went back to Kevin's place and he stated he had to take his roommate to work and asked if I could watch over her. I agreed and the little one helped me put together the desk. Actually she just barked orders at me while I screwed in the legs of the desk and made sure I was doing it right, cause she "would be mad if it was bwoken."
After I put the thing together we sat down and I showed her how to use the Leap Pad. She was very excited using the pen to touch the characters that all responded to her. It's also loud as hell which I love.
After a while she got sick of my presence and said "You need to weave the woom and shut the dooh or my daddy will be mad".
"No I don't," I replied. "I need to watch over you and children don't tell adults what to do."
"Yes you do oh daddy wuh be mad."
"No he won't. He'd actually be upset if I didn't watch you. Now you do as your told or desk time will be over." I left out the part about if her dad was upset I could care less.
"Noooooooooooo," she cried. Kid has a set of lungs on her.
"Stop the tantrum and be good like your daddy said or I'm taking apart the desk."
"Okay," she said with a smile. She then went back to playing with her Leap Pad.
I exited the room and told her the door would stay open so I could keep an eye on her. I wasn't gone 2 minutes when I hear her screaming "Ewik, Ewik, Ewik, Ewik."
"What, what, what?" I said running in the room imagining the worst.
"Wook I made staws," she said with an adorable grin. The desk came with stamps shaped like stars and she showed off her stamp art to me with great pride.
"Right on. That's very pretty. Now if you want to show me something just use your inside voice."
I go to the kitchen to get her some apple juice and once again she screams "Ewik, Ewik, Ewik, Ewik."
I run back inside assuming she stabbed herself with a sharp object. I find her bouncing on her bed.
"I can jump on my bed,"she said as she giggled.
I told her to stop and reminded her of the story of the monkeys that suffered skull damage while doing such an activity.
"I'm no monkey Ewik," she shot back with a frown.
Can't argue with that really.
She stopped though and I sat her on my lap and told her about the boy who cried wolf. She doesn't like wolves now.
I don't even have kids and already I can see my gross incompetence at child rearing.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner