Trashy karaoke

We all have that one friend. That person that'll call wanting a quiet night of a few drinks, which then turns into multiple shots and sitting in a long wait at the Jack-In-The-Box drive thru at some unholy hour in an unfamiliar town. This buddy has the energy of a six year old on meth and will test your endurance. You love this person for this and many other reasons.

I got a text yesterday afternoon from Amy asking if I wanted to go out for a couple drinks. I respond that I will, but I can't stay out late.

You see where this is going.

I pick her up and head to a bar of her choice. I never have entered this establishment, but as I approached it I noticed the marquee stating that it had karaoke that evening. Amy looked over at me and smiled.

She's a clever one that gal.

We go in and play some darts and catch up as we haven't hung out just the two of us in a long time. After telling stories of drunkenness, work, personal drama, and the like the DJ fires up the karaoke machine and starts the festivities.

In the atmosphere of the strip mall pub there was an eclectic mix of people there. Old men with button up shirts that weren't even cool back in 1987, some guys who looked like the type who cried when they heard the news about Dale Earnhardt, and women who seemed proud to that they once slept with a Journey roadie. Our bartender was a pregnant gal who spent every break outside smoking. Amy and I sat in the corner and people watched, making up stories for each individual. We guessed one older guy was on his third marriage, two kids by his first wife, and one child by the second that he never sees. I have a feeling we were right.

The karaoke screen was unlike any I have set eyes on. The lyrics displayed on the large TV as you would expect, but the background was a screen saver of scantily clad women. It was distracting as you may expect.

Amy and I sat at the end of the bar and started playing one of those video game table top screens that are so popular. We first start off with a game that requires you to find the differences between two similar looking photos, sort of like something you would see in Highlights for Children. What's different about this and the kid's magazine is that it had naked women on it. It was fun though.

Amy got bored with seeing girls without clothing so she choose a match game that had naked men on it. We played for a bit, then the DJ called her name. There I was stuck at the bar by myself with a screen showing a bunch of men displaying their manhood. This did not please me.

My friend is a really good singer and the best in the bar that night, although after hearing wailing renditions of Brooks & Dunn and Metallica it wasn't saying a whole lot. The crowd was having a great time, enjoying their moment to shine amongst the neon and Coors Light advertisements. This bar was their palace of stardom and their glorious moments in front of the mic were golden.

After I don't know how many beers I'm really dragging at work today. Oh well.

"I do, too, most recently while I was singing karaoke in some weird bar." - Radha Mitchell

Thursday Music

As a wee lad my sister and I would read the fine literature that was Archie comics. Yes I followed the adventures of the ginger kid and how he maintained dating two girls who were crazy about him. His friend Jughead would eat a lot, but never gain a pound all the while wearing a funky paper crown for whatever reason.

Yes the adventures of teenagers consuming treats at Pop Tate's was high entertainment for my sister and me, but now that I grow older I wonder sometimes what the hell the writers were thinking when they wrote some of this stuff.

It's been long speculated that Archie is gay and his queen is Jughead. Why the redhead wouldn't be into Reggie or Moose may baffle some. I agree with Kevin Smith in that Archie couldn't decide on Betty or Veronica not because of his closet homosexuality, but because he was holding out for a threesome.

Then again I see issues such as the one below and wonder:

In news that is interesting to no one over the age of 9 the writers of Archie comics have decided to have Archie propose marriage to either Betty or Veronica. Everyone may have their opinion on who he should engage in matrimony with, but since my opinion matters more I say he chooses Betty. Sure Veronica is rich and hot (I like brunettes), but she's a bitch and will divorce him in five years. Her daddy will hire all sorts of high powered lawyers to ensure Riverdale's favorite son be stuck working a middle management job at Wal-Mart for eternity. Betty's a sweet gal and can cook. I say personality and culinary skills goes a long way.

Why wasn't he into Sabrina or one of the Pussycats?

Well that was pointless. Anyways here's a song you probably won't enjoy.

"You will see him make the decision." - Archie Comics' editor-in-chief Victor Gorelick

Democracy vs Civil Rights

The other day California's Supreme Court ruled that Proposition 8 was indeed in step with the state's constitution much to the dismay of many who are in favor of gay marriage. While I don't approve of the amendment I do think the judges made the right decision.

Let me explain.

I've made my views on gay marriage clear already and like many I'm frustrated with the results of Prop 8, but the drafters of the bill ran a far better campaign while most liberals were distracted with their Obama love. Regardless the conservatives dotted their 'i's and ensured this legislation would fit within the requirements of their state's government. I can't blame them for liberal apathy.

Still I'd rather see the Supreme Court do what is required of them and that is define it's constitution. It should not be allowed to legislate from the bench. That's up to the...wait for it...legislature and voters.

This begs the question, should a civil right (if you believe this issue to be such) be allowed in the hands of the voters? If so wouldn't it be fair to ask those that are passionate about this issue to do more to fight for it? If you feel gay marriage is on par with the abolishing Jim Crow laws and the like wouldn't it be fair for you to turn off your gaming console for a little while and fight the good fight? Is it at all reasonable to assume our President to intervene in states issues especially considering the federal Constitution doesn't cover sexual orientation?

Extremists will rule the day with issues like this and unfortunately for gay rights advocates it seems the conservatives have a far better grasp of effective campaigning. Maybe one day America will look back at this period and view the anti-gay marriage lobby as we do regarding people protesting racial integrated schools.

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Folk Life

I went to Folk Life this weekend. For some of you that know me personally that may seem comical, which some if it was; however, getting there was an absolute nightmare. Traffic was full of folks in mini-vans who seemed to insist on driving as slow as humanly possible. I was rear ended, cursed at, and subjected to all sorts of jackassery in regards to transportation.

After the hour and a half drive it took just to get into Seattle it was suggested that I park in Queen Anne and just hoof it the rest of the way. Forty five minutes later I finally found someplace to store my vehicle and made the trek to the Seattle Center.

Tired and sweaty I hike up the hill following a few hippie kids who haven't bathed since 2006. Seriously they smelled worse than me. I finally pass them and walk as fast as I could. I probably looked like one of those old people who pace around the mall in the early morning.

Driveways were more perilous than one may think. Upon strolling by one a person in a mini-van decided it would be too much of an effort to place their foot on the brake and just started rolling straight towards me. Leaping out of the way I turn to look at the driver who threw up their arms at me. I walked up to the miserable excuse of a car to have a conversation with it's operator, but rather than speak to me they sped out of there.

I think I'll carry a bunch of drivers manuals everywhere I go and pass them out when needed. Think of it as a public service.

I finally arrive to the Folk Life festival and was bombarded with aromas and sounds that were not always pleasant. My first encounter was with a man holding a sign that read 'free hugs'. He didn't seem like the cuddly type, but that didn't matter. He must've assumed people had difficulty reading his sign, or that the entire population of the festival was illiterate, so he helped everyone out by shouting his services to anyone within earshot.

This was not the only gentleman offering free hugs. There were many in attendance that advertised this service. One guy must've felt that his hugs were more valuable than the others, for he charged one dollar for each embrace.

I continued my walk through the packed crowd looking for my friends. I make my way to the fountain and saw a fat topless guy who was trying to get everyones' attention. The fatty was offering dances for fifty cents. He was boisterous in his claim that if you gave him money and watched him 'jiggle' it would be the only entertainment one would need. I stopped, looked at him, realized him and I pretty much had the same body type, cept he's far less hairy, and just shook my head.

Fatty noticed me and tried to make me part with some money, but I declined in a manner you would expect. He offered to put his shirt back on for some dough, but I was hard pressed to give him any cash.

Finally I made my way to the fountain and walked through the denizens of people who were enjoying the sunny day. Finally I found my friends who noticed right off the bat that I wasn't happy about my journey. I sat down to relax for a bit and enjoyed the moment of not having to be anywhere.

Shortly thereafter we left and got a drink.

"Guess what, I might be the first hippie pinup girl." - Janis Joplin

Niiiiccceee

I was having a conversation last night regarding the Mary K Letourneau story and how there was a ridiculous, almost sick, double standard the media gave it's coverage. We both agreed that we think it's highly messed up that the press released the name and image of the rape victim (yes it is rape in the eyes of the law), something they wouldn't do if the genders were reversed.

Granted I have to admit I have my own double standards as well. When the Debra Lefavre news hit my first reaction was that the boy in question was the luckiest kid in the whole wide world. Then reason took over and I felt otherwise.

Today it's come to my attention that Letourneau and her husband will be hosting an event at a Seattle club, Fuel, entitled 'Hot for Teacher Night'. In what other world would we give a child rapist this kind of publicity? If she were a man would we as consumers want to give her any attention and money?

I guess we do, because Roman Polanski still has a career.

Oh and I still think Debra Lefavre is hot. I hate myself sometimes.

"I realize a lot of people take it in the wrong way, but at the same time, I feel like, since she has served her time and they are married by the state of Washington, that it's all in good fun." - Fuel owner Mike Morris

Mary K. Letourneau hosting 'Hot for Teacher' night

Thursday Music

I hear of so many relationships nowadays that are started and often times ended online. It makes sense. Behind the veil of a computer one can bring forth their best qualities to a party they're interested in, but sadly they can hide the baggage. Still the lure of meeting someone through the convenience of the internet is too much for some.

Wooing online can lead to a serious amount of drama now that social norms have changed. Whether they be putting someone first on MySpace, sending the right context in IM, or showing enough attention 'poking', a new age of showing your affection has dawned for better or for worse.

Are relationship better due to our constant communication online? I still ponder this.

Anyways these singers have developed a clever song for their online beaus. With tongue firmly in cheek, and sadly not in mine, they sing a song dedicated to romance via their favorite social networking site. So today good folks I bring you the song below:

"If I thought my friends were interesting, Facebook has taught me otherwise. Last week I decided that I couldn't take any more David "is making soup" or Denise "hopes the Celtics can pull it off" updates. I did the unthinkable: I started hiding updates from friends who have an annoying habit of clogging my Facebook news feed with useless snippets of their lives." - Christopher Muther

Wiwille's letter to his imaginary daughter

My dear daughter,

I've watched you grow into a beautiful young lady and while it's been a joy to witness this, the time has come for that talk. While we already had this in person I feel it's best to summarize everything here and let it be a matter of record.

When I was young my friends used to joke about me being that kind of father who would stand in front of the house with a shotgun every time my daughter would be taken on a date. While yes I can be protective, sometimes to a fault, I figured it best to teach you some lessons I felt valuable when a man attempted to court you.

You see as a father I felt my most important role is to ensure to the best of my ability the safety of you and your mother, even if it came at my own expense. My next duty was to teach you values that your Mom and I believed would assist you in having a rich, full life. She decided that it was my responsibility to tell you about men; how they think, act, etc.

Now that you're of age to date I feel compelled to give you some advice from a male perspective regarding the ritual of dating. Granted the dos and don'ts of boy-meets-girl have changed significantly as many other teenage social norms, but I believe there are some truths that are universal as well as timeless.

I can't control what kind of man you're attracted to, sadly. The best bit of advice I can give regarding chemistry is don't try and be a 'fixer'. I know many girls enjoy what they refer to as a 'project', someone who they can mold to their liking. It's like when you were little and enjoyed dressing up dolls. While aesthetics can be changed major character flaws cannot. Boys stop progressing about the time they learn to tie their own shoes. If you see a serious red flag regarding their psyche, just walk away.

Your mother will agree that I was a bit rough around the edges when we met and if she spoke honestly she enjoyed refining certain tastes I have. I have no idea what she saw in me otherwise and maybe you feel the same. Still she never tried to perform a massive overhaul regarding my personality which makes me hope that it was perfect already. Okay maybe not perfect, but tolerable at least.

I thank God every day you got the looks of your mother and not me. It's helped you turn into the beautiful young lady you are, but sadly as a father I must be wary of the mindset of young lads.

Don't ask how I know this, but boys will do and say anything to get you naked. Anything. They will tell you they love you, go into massive amounts of debt, and risk life and limb just to get a glimpse of you without your shirt. Do not fall for any of these tactics. All that is on the mind of boys is eating and sex. Seriously. This is the primary topic they think about for twenty four hours a day.

Now I know I may be unrealistic to assume you'll save yourself until marriage, but it's the wish of your mother and me. Both of us have seen many girls get hurt and sex complicates matters of the heart. I've taught you enough about intercourse, which was as pleasant as a Drano enema, but if you really want a good test of a man's character and adoration for you make them wait. Just trust me on this one.

The boy who you choose to associate with must, and I mean must, be a gentleman at all times. You know my standards. Follow them.

You have been trained to use mace and are well skilled in the martial arts, but I want you to remember that if any man tries to have their way with you or raises a hand to you in anger feel free to utilize the skills you've been taught. I've done my best to make sure you fall victim to no man. Do not show an ounce a fear.

That being said never strike first. I know at times your mother has wanted to crack my skull open with the coffee table, especially over the whole blueberry incident, and whether I deserved it or not is arguable I know, but no matter how much someone may make you crazy you are to never hit them.

You may be thinking that I’m just trying to ensure you date a guy like me, which for most fathers it’s true. This isn’t the case here. I want you to be with someone better.

Remember you’ll always be my little princess no matter what choices you make.

Your loving father,
Wiwille

"Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong." - William Shakespeare

Sugary douchey to just downright scary.

In surfing the intertubes the other day I came across a real gem of a video. A guy who hasn't seen nor heard from his ex-girlfriend in over two years was feeling down about the loss of his love. He did what any reasonable person would do, he made a mildly homoerotic nine minute film dedicated to the girl who stole his heart.

Now we've all done things to try to win the affection to those who have once scorned us. Whether it be drunk dialing, sending flowers, or nailing their pet to their door a lot of these tokens may seem pathetic, if not dangerous. Still some may pull at the heartstrings of any romantic, but this video...oh why don't you take a look and waste nine minutes of your life. Be sure to see the end of this as it's golden.



Note how in love with himself this man seems to be, the odd use of farm equipment, and the Rocky Balboa declaration of love. Having some experience with film I know this guy put a lot of time and effort into making this, which at first I wasn't sure if it was creepy or sweet.

Then I did some research.

Apparently the subject of this video goes by Ben. After making this video he kept spamming a lot of online forums in his attempt to have the whole world see this. Someone took the guy's footage and made a parody video, which angered the original author to no end. Ben started replying to the person mocking him claiming he had a team of lawyers on a plane ready to sue him. It doesn't stop there.

Ben kept replying over and over again making all sorts of ludicrous claims that involved the FBI, CIA, and Interpol. He called his mocker an American hating terrorists, homosexual, and all other juvenile insults. It went on for a while until it was revealed that Ben's dream was to play Captain America and he might believe that he already has.

Clearly the creator of this video is mentally ill and it stopped being funny and turned scary. I hope his ex-girlfriend is okay. Seriously.

The internet has become quite the sounding board for the crazies, cause if it's one thing nutty people crave it's attention and that's exactly what he's getting. So be careful out there ladies. Something that may seem sweet may just be a sign of obsession. You may meet a guy who does all sorts of romantic gestures to try and win your heart, but then you find him trying to toast your fish.

"If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia." - Margaret Atwood

No sale

I was walking in Queen Anne the other day with Kidd Valley in my hand on my way to a friend's place. Coming to a bus stop a guy walked onto the sidewalk and looked at me. He said hello with a look that indicated he wanted something.

Panhandling is pretty common in Seattle. Nine times out of ten when a stranger approaches you you can be sure that they'll want some money. If I'm carrying spare change I'll usually give it to them, but as most people nowadays I rarely have cash on hand.

I assumed this guy wanted some fries maybe, or just a dollar or something, but with a bright smile he asked if I wanted to buy some beer. At his feet were two cases, one Coors the other Coors Light.

I kept walking as I declined. His face went from joyful to angry. He asked why and I told him I don't drink Coors. In fact if given the circumstance I would rather stay sober than have to consume that nasty beverage that barely passes for beer. That's saying a lot.

He apologized for whatever reason, but his voice conveyed a bit of anger I wasn't expecting. I kept walking, told him not to apologize, and wished him a good night.

I have no idea what kind of circumstances this man was living with, but obviously his existence wasn't too pleasant if he was selling terrible beverages at a bus stop in Seattle. Thankfully this incident didn't end up like the one experience I had with the self proclaimed 'baddest nigga in Seatown', but still I felt some pity for the guy. Many lives have been ruined by our institutions' inability to keep their financial houses in order and sadly with the skyrocketing unemployment it seems that more events like this will happen.

On a completely different note I got this text last night shortly before bedtime:

"Honest to God quote of the day: You are either homosexual or gay. There are no other options."

I know some people with razor sharp intellects.

"I know that a man who shows me his wealth is like the beggar who shows me his poverty; they are both looking for alms from me, the rich man for the alms of my envy, the poor man for the alms of my guilt." - Ben Hecht

Thursday Music

I was never a big Beatles fan.

There I said it.

Granted I enjoy some of their music, but the early stuff released by that band is silly and juvenile. They were; however, one of the few bands that grew significantly better as they aged. The fact that they threw in the towel before the four of them started sucking shows how critical timing is in not only art, but celebrity culture.

John and his odd wife take most of the blame for the breakup of the Beatles by people who won't just let it go. His solo career was a good one; however, I'm not impressed by many of the songs Lennon produced. Maybe if he spent a little less time being a megalomaniac opportunist and media whore his studio work would've shown more ambition. Sadly we'll never know the full extent of his talents as his life was taken too early.

I'm not sure why, but I had 'Instant Karma' stuck in my head as I woke this morning, so that's what I bring you Thursday Music readers (listeners) today:

"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot." - John Lennon

Wiwille gets assaulted at the gym....again

I'm at the gym the other day working out on the elliptical trainer and watching my favorite game show. Things were going without incident when suddenly I felt someone punch me on the shoulder. I stop my work out, take off my headphones, and look at the girl next to me. She was standing on the contraption giving me a dirty look.

"What the hell?" I ask.

"You were blurting out the answers," she replied justifying her violence.

"Oh," I said. "Err...sorry...I guess."

I start my work out again when suddenly I stopped and looked at her.

"Wait," I said. "What the hell do you care?"

"I'm watching it too," she answered. "I could hear you over my headset. You're ruining the questions."

"Oh," I said kind of surprised that I was that loud. "Well...eh...doesn't matter. You wouldn't get the answers right anyways."

She raises an eyebrow at me.

"You think so?" she asked.

"I think so."

It was on.

We made a bet over a power bar about who would get the most correct answers first. Who won you may ask? Well I did of course. You doubt my trivia knowledge? If you've read this blog before you should be keenly aware that my mind has a command of thoroughly useless information.

Yes I was the big winner that day and the recipient of a power bar, which I never actually consumed. Still I couldn't help think what the rest of the people in the gym thought about two people yelling out random stuff at each other. See the screen is on the elliptical trainer and the sound of the show was mute to all but those listening to the headphones so to someone working out on the nautilus machines all they saw and heard was two people shouting out phrases like 'the Panama Canal', 'Henry Kissinger', and 'kinetic energy'.

I'm a winner and a loser.

"Why is it trivia? People call it trivia because they know nothing and they are embarrassed about it." - Robbie Coltrane

Mother's Day

Mother's day was quite the event. I headed up to Bellingham in the early morning with presents in hand ready to show the matriarch of our family some gratitude for putting up with us. I enter the home and give mom her gifts. Season 3 of Perry Mason and the complete collection of the BBC murder mystery show Rosemary and Thyme.

For those who are unfamiliar Rosemary and Thyme is a show about two ladies, one a retired cop and another an academic botanist, who go all around the world looking at beautiful gardens and coming across slain corpses. Their combined forces help solve the murders and justice is swiftly resolved within each hour long episode.

When I purchased the complete collection of the show I realized what an idiot I can be. If I were smart I would've just bought each season and saved them for a number of events such as birthdays, Christmas, etc. Still she loves gardening and stories about dead British people so the gift went over well.

I took the nephews to the football field to see how they've progressed in the sport. I'm sorry to report that they haven't been practicing. Still they had fun tackling each other and learning the fine art of catching and throwing a nerf football and why it's never a good thing to fumble. The oldest was not interested in technique and descended into rampant silliness, even when the youngest reminded him that he throws like the fairer sex. I guess my sister cannot rely on them to be superstar athletes who'll pay for an expensive retirement home.

We had a nice brunch where the parents sipped mimosas and ate to their hearts content on my dime. Back at home we sat and watched Perry Mason make people confess on the witness stand and I kept wondering how in the hell the D.A. kept his job as he never got a conviction. Plus the homicide detective kept arresting the wrong person. Did any of these people sue the police department?

Dad took me aside and said the last time I showed up with that show Mom was glued to the television for almost two days straight. He had to actually make his own meals. Dad is not much of a cook and I think he lost weight during that time. Now she has enough DVD content to last her a week so a crash diet may be in order for him. I do what it takes for his health.

The nephews were kind of upset that I was leaving yesterday, but they quickly went back to their video games and reading this weird, but hilarious children's book called Captain Underpants. Good stuff.

I did go see Frost/Nixon on stage at the Paramount this weekend. For those in the Seattle area I highly recommend going to see it. Yes even Stacy Keach pulled off a great performance.

Oh and for the love of all that is holy and good do not view Wolverine.

"Try and live your life the way you wish other people would live theirs." - Raymond Burr

You must choose, but choose wisely

It looks like our newly elected Commander in Chief will be appointing someone to preside in highest court in our country. While I'm confident his administration will not do a blunder on the level of Harriet Meyers I'm concerned about the publics' cry for who they'd like to see on the bench.

Minority groups are calling for someone who can best reflect their interests and are angrily voicing it on various pundit shows. Politics is a strange business in where many Americans believe people are more qualified for their jobs based on circumstances beyond the candidates control. Obama must elect a half black, quarter Latin, dash of Asian, and a slight pinch of Caucasian female lesbian paraplegic Presbyterian who has a slight speech impediment and a fetish for spoons to make everyone happy.

I understand the desire the public has for someone who they assume to best represent their interests, but I'm going to suggest something that may be revolutionary. Stay with me folks, but I think any nominee should represent one thing and one thing only and that is...wait for it...the Constitution.

There I go with my crazy talk.

"Any successful nominee should possess both the temperament to interpret the law and the wisdom to do so fairly. The next Supreme Court Justice should have a record of protecting individual rights and a strong willingness to put aside any political agenda." - Bennie Thompson

Thursday Music

I was in Target the other day killing time before a movie. I passed along the music section and decided to make WIGSF proud by purchasing a CD. Yes a compact disc. For you younger readers people used to own music on a device that looked similar to a DVD. They carried them around in large notebooks with sleeves and inserted these large items into a stereo. They were once considered to be the pinnacle of listening pleasure.

I started browsing and came across a section in where they had a bunch of compilation discs. A large panel was in front of it that had all the albums listed. You pressed the album and it would play a sample of each of the songs listed on each disc. They had a cornucopia of music ranging from soft his, classical, butt rock, and 80s pop hits.

I picked up an album of swing hits and one with fifties pop. I really am getting old.

Mother's Day is coming up and as usual I'll be heading north to take Mom out for brunch and drinks thanking her for all she's done as the matriarch of the family. One of the songs from the 50s album will always remind me of her as she is a huge fan of the genre and played it constantly in my youth.

So today I bring you Dion and the Belmonts with their rendition of 'Teenager in Love'.

"God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers." - Rudyard Kipling

Stuff I didn't need to hear

I understand that many people are into things that would seem odd to most. Fetishes are varied amongst the populace and I'm sure that a lot of those close to me harbor such activities and have the good sense, or taste, to not broadcast it to the masses.

I was hanging with an acquaintance not to long ago and was introduced to her friends. Each seemed like reasonable decent chaps. The room mostly consisted of professionals and people who thought they were smarter than they really are, but I was having a good time. Many laughs were being had until it happened.

He seemed a little strange, but nothing that immediately sent a red flag. Dressed in dark colors the gaunt fellow strolled up to the small circle of people talking and introduced himself to me. His name was Dan and he liked to talk about everything he was into. People started vacating the small circle quickly. This should've been a sign.

Dan liked to explain his work, politics, and how he's an expert about everything in great detail. He was not a shy gent as he brashly voiced his opinions on every subject matter. Then he hit me with it.

"I'm part of the furry community," he said.

"The people who dress up as animals and have sex?" I asked. I should've known better.

"Well it's not just about sex," he explained. "We like to blah blah blah."

I was partially listening.

"So....," I said trying to get a word in. "Going back to the idea of the US position on torture...."

"....furries are harmless," he said not even listening to me. "Some are a little different, like those dorks who dress as Muppets."

"Now wait just a damn minute here," I said with actual shock. "Muppets? Why? Wait I don't want to kno...."

"Yeah," he explained. "They dress as Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, whatever."

"What about Gonzo?"

"Gonzo's not a real animal."

"Oh yeah," I said. "Cause engaging in sex with an alien puppet would just be weird."

"Yeah," he replied not getting the joke. "And you know furries...."

"...Oh look at that," I said. "Got to get myself another drink."

He didn't follow me into the kitchen. I thank God for that. Engage in any kind of consensual fetish all you want, but don't defile the Muppets please.

"Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending." - Jim Henson

You can't make me.

"No."

"Oh come on. You'll like it."

"No I won't."

"It's relaxing. I promise you'll love it."

"I don't care. I won't do it."

"Awe. It's so nice though."

"Again. No. I don't know why every woman in my life wants me to get a pedicure."

I was hanging with three girls on Saturday. After lunch they decided to get their feet and hands done by a professional. They attempted to talk me into going with them, but I decided against it. The three of them seemed disappointed by my refusal to do such an activity, but I can never do it.

I'm not sure why I'm repulsed by the idea. I do engaged in things that one would consider feminine, probably more than is rational or healthy, but I will not pay to have someone soak my feet, clip toenails, and anything that I can reasonably do myself. I just won't. I have no rational explanation why I'm so opposed to the concept, but that doesn't matter. I will die a man who never had a pedicure and that's the way I like it.

"Fighting is essentially a masculine idea; a woman's weapon is her tongue." - Hermione Gingold