Dec 13, 2009


I spend this weekend with my folks doing some Christmas shopping, eating as much as mom could cook, and, as usual, arguing politics with my father. While I enjoy engaging in discourse with him at times it can be frustrating arguing the same points over and over again. While he's a good man he's not very well read in history.

As usual he decided to give his spiel about how the founding fathers were the moral equivalent of Jesus and they'd be rolling in their graves about how America came to be. Even when you'd counter the point with any amount of evidence he would still stare blankly and make his conclusion, again, handing me the "I just think...." line, which means that I could have a pamphlet written by Hamilton endorsing the virtues of smoking opium while riding on the back of a naked Native American while he made her sing Irish drinking ballads and Dad would still think he'd be upset that they use the word 'ass' on broadcast television.

So I thought I'd go to the source and have one of the most intriguing, and self proclaimed moral, founding father review 'One Bad Apple'. Take it away President Adams:

"When asked to review the proclamations of the gentleman known as Wiwille I pondered the wisdom of such a task. Not only has my body been resting for over a millenia, but I've yet to familiar myself with modern vernacular. Unfortunately we don't have cable six feet under. Comcast sucks.

This man who calls himself Wiwille seems to be a fine chap, but observations are a bit queer. Many people he opines about are somehow, in his mind, lovers of swine. While these activities did occur when I walked the Earth I'm perplexed to see it's so common in the 21st century. Franklin would've probably taken a part in all of it. You should've see some of the broads he dallied with in France.

This Wiwille seems to have unnatural attractions to debutantes of the day. Many a word has been written about this Scarlett woman, but I'm unclear as to why he thinks a fellow lover of the pen, a man who he calls Mattbear, 'brings the sexy.' Is this 'sexy' a euphemism for strong drink or does he commit ungodly acts towards this creature, who can only be assumed to have characteristics of a beast. I shant know. Regardless I will proclaim this day that Washington had a nice ass!

There is a curious thing about what Wiwille calls 'film', which seems to be a series of pictures that move in succession so rapid. Unclear as to why he seems to posses an affection for the one entitled 'Point Break', for after reading his review it seems to resemble a crock of ox dung. Why this Wiwille feels compelled to write his feelings for such pictures is remarkably arrogant and self indulgent.

Before I go further I must admit that I'm strangely curious as to what kind of man this Wiwille really is and if his musings reflect the nature of the people of the 21st century. While I'm fully aware that this Dr Phil seems to be likened to a bag containing the contents called 'douche', I'm unsure if I should regard him as the anti-Christ. My study in the Holy Scriptures does not reflect the dark lord to be involved in the media. Having given it further thought I do recall seeing horns arise from Payne's skull, but that could've been the drink of the barley effecting my personal constitution.

In conclusion I declare Wiwille to be that of a jackass. I shall say no more, for I have lost an inordinate amount of brain capacity having read his essays."

The folks at One Bad Apple appreciate our deceased second President for taking the time out of his busy schedule of death to write this. Better to be noticed than loved I guess.

"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society." - John Adams


Miss A said...

It is 5:30am and I am incapable of typing anything witty or smart, so I will just say...I loved this post and it made me laugh out loud, also I was not aware we had the same Father ;-)

JLee said...

I have a friend who loves to debate politics. I say outlandish things just to get him riled up. It's great fun! lol

Mattbear said...

I appear to have been upgraded to "beastly sexy"! Well, at least that's my take on it.