Dec 22, 2009

Wiwille's guide to heartache

Look, as much as I write about how I'm this bastion of masculinity who eats glass for breakfast, fights ninjas armed only with an ear of corn, and commune with the spirit of Lee Marvin on a daily basis I freely admit that I have my sensitive-pony-tail-man moments. It's true I have dwelled on things I shouldn't and felt emotions that have made me feel less than manly. It happens, but in no way will I apologize for it.

I was recently asked about heartache and how I deal with it. I pondered it for a while trying to come up with the best scenario for my friend to deal with her personal drama. It's no secret that I'm no stranger to being hurt and have acted in manners unbecoming of me, so I guess my advice was solicited due to my experience with doing everything wrong at some point in my life. The first person to tell you not to smoke is a smoker.

So allow me to gallop on my horse so high and let me chronicle the ways of getting over someone. Please remember that this is not gender specific:

1. Your friends are right.

"My girlfriend and I were talking," a friend told me. "You're a catch. Get out of your room. She's so not worth beating yourself up about."

He was right. It's that simple.

You all have that one friend who will tell you whatever is on their mind, for good or for ill. Most of the time they're correct in their observations about your behavior. Listen to them and for once try taking their advice. You'd be surprised at the results.

2. Delete.

"Hand me your phone," he said with authority.

"Why," I replied?

"Just do it."

I put my phone in his hand and watched him go through it.

"What are you doing," I asked?

"We're out drinking," he said. "And she just broke up with you last night. There's no way I'm letting you drunk dial her later."

"You're deleting her number?"


You'll be tempted to call, email, text, FB, MySpace, Tweet,and/or IM the girl, but don't do it. Delete all contact information for her. Seriously. You don't want to wake up one morning with a raging hangover and realize you have sent her 146 barely coherent text messages. After said realization you go to your local coffee stand for a pick me up and a well dressed man slaps some papers in your hand. The restraining order is now in effect.

Don't be that guy. Just don't. Look I can understand the desire to fight for someone, but you have to be reasonable. If you really need her number for reasons other than annoying the poor gal you have avenues to find it again.

Watch the video below which illustrates what I'm talking about.

Sometimes in our sad, and often desperate, attempts to win the hearts of those who've scorned us can lead us to do crazy things. Getting rid of any and all contact information can help curb that. If nothing it'll let you think about that idea that just popped in your head. Let the gears turn in your cranium a bit before you open your email client.

And for the love of all that is holy and good, do not be this guy:

3. Go out.

Yes. Sweep the layers of crumbs off your bed, take off that shirt you've been wearing since Wednesday, and be active. Stop being lethargic and interact with your social circle. They know what you're going through and they'll be happy to take you drinking, strip clubs, or whatever.

4. Give it time.

You'll get over this. You'll wake up one day and you'll find the pain is gone, unless you're highly unbalanced. In that case you'll probably end up in jail for hammering a small animal to her spleen.

5. Be active.

Keeping yourself occupied will do wonders. Throw yourself into your hobbies, work, family, etc. Don't have a hobby? Get one. Pick up an instrument, buy a model plane, knit, volunteer at a soup kitchen, hell I don't care. Work out more, or at all if you haven't been to the gym since 1992. Just do something that keeps your mind off her and use this opportunity for some self improvement.

6. Stay away from crazy folk.

When you're finally ready and able to tread the dating waters be careful. There are some nut jobs out there. Seriously. Google their name. I'm not kidding. You may have saved yourself from spending time with a serial arsonist or having your half eaten corpse found by hunters.

I know I joke about how crazy women can be, but truth is guys are just as bat shit. We have little idea on how to handle the ones who have crossed the line; however thin it may be, from sane to wacky town.

I've been punched, had a table flung at me, dealt with suicide threats, and been bombarded with voice mails, text messages, emails, and strange appearances at my door at odd hours.

Ladies, carry mace.

Still when you're out dating be honest about where your heart and mind is with who you're courting. Not that it'll save you from a psycho coming at you with the judges mallet as you're both in court for a public disturbance charge, but it'll help weed out some.

7. Learn.

There are reasons they broke up with you. Sure you may be a good person who's generous, kind, and saves orphans from fires, but lets face it, you are flawed. They may be petty reasons, but if they are then you don't want to be with them anyways. If you feel they were holding back and not telling you everything, well that's another sign that they're not 'the one'.

People are often nice and won't tell you that they can't spend a lifetime with someone who eats mac n' cheese for breakfast, farts in their sleep, or are balding. You won't get the full story, if at all, but you'll have enough.

Remember what they told you when they decided you two wouldn't work out, even if they told you nothing. You'll sooner or later realize you're better off without them. You will learn something about yourself also.

This is probably the hardest lesson to follow, but the most important.

So these are my tips on getting over someone who decided you're not a good idea. Like me, this list isn't perfect, but I hope it's useful to the love lorn folk. I wish you all luck in hiking the hills of drama.

Yeah I know some of you are saying I should follow my own advice....and you'd be right.

"When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It's like death." - Dennis Quaid


Miss Ash said...

Oh my god, I love the "who decided you're not a good idea" part, that made me laugh!

I agree 100% with the deleting of phone numbers or at least have someone hold your phone captive until the morning.

Anonymous said...

Good list.