Mar 10, 2010


So I'm reading through my email and my friend decided to forward me another message she got from that Social Me application. Keep in mind she's never talked to this guy before. My commentary is in red. Enjoy:

This morning I woke up missing you even though we've never met. Is that crazy? (Yes. Yes it most certainly is.) I hope not because it's not the first time. (Apparently you have multiple instances of crazy.) I have been looking everywhere for you, sometimes wondering if you actually exist outside my dreams. I can't tell you how many times I've had to struggle to convince myself that the idea that you are out there hoping I find you isn't just sentimental drivel. (Here's to hope.) It's been hard almost every step of the way and I have to confess I even gave up a few times. (As they say, if at first you don't succeed quit, cause you suck at it.) Something keeps telling me you are waiting. Something keeps telling me you are lonesome. Something keeps telling me you need me as much right now as I need you. And that little voice has gotten much more persistent in the past months (My little voice keeps telling me to light my computer on fire and give up on online communication altogether. Sometimes the voices are right.), leading me to expand my search parameters (Beats cruising the high schools).

I'm sorry I haven't been there to hold you when you cry (Yeah you seem so cuddly with that goatee that went out of style in 1997), to take your hand, warm your feet, stroke your hair, to make you laugh (Trust me, this email is comedy enough), to kiss you softly and make you feel like the most special girl in the world. I'll make it up to you, I promise (You can start by complying with one of your multiple restraining orders). My greatest fear is that you gave up on me and settled for something less because we both know we were meant to be together. (We do?) It's my fault if I let you down (Damn right it is. Now move to Boring, Oregon and think about what you've done.). I guess I let the world get in the way.

Do you wonder about me, wonder what I'm like, what I do, what I look like? (I wonder why you're allowed in public.) I'm sure you have a pretty good idea who I am, but maybe you want to know a little more about the man who thinks about you day and night (All I need to know is that you have no idea where she lives). For starters, I don't feel worthy of you (then stop emailing her and date a girl you found on, that much is for certain. I haven't done or accomplished nearly enough to possibly warrant your affections, but I will spend my life trying to become all you deserve (So get back to her when you become dictator of a small third world country). I think who I am as a person should go a long way, because I know you value honesty, integrity, intelligence, a sense of humour and a soft, kind heart (She values not being bat-shit crazy too.). But, I hope you also find me to be romantic, handsome, talented, interesting, articulate and successful.

The problem is I am lost without you. And I'm tired. I'm tired of going to bed alone and waking up alone (Get a cat, or seventeen). I'm tired of going for walks by myself, looking into every face I pass to see if I recognize the warmth, kindness and grace that I've been looking for (Well he is kind of articulate, but seems to have the mindset of someone who cries while they masturbate). In spite of how hard I try to hide it, I'm sure it must show, the fact that I am pretty much sad all the time. Funny because no one really knows that. (Yeah it must be hard for people to guess you're a real downer.) It's probably because, rather than being a boo-hoo kinda sad, it's more of a fundamental melancholy. The world is a cold place when there is no one around to help you keep warm. It is difficult to have a spring in my step and pursue all the good things in life, when I am so preoccupied with wondering where you are and if I'll ever find you.

This year I have decided to get ready, to find my smile again and get interested and interesting. (Oh you are interesting I'll give you that.) Learning some new tricks like playing guitar, writing more prolifically, language lessons... (How about social skills?) Over the past couple years, I've all but stopped dating (Was it you that stopped or was it the fact that you scared every female into buying mace?) because I was just going through the motions when I knew in advance I only wanted to be with you and couldn't possibly have feelings for anyone else. I'll continue that path, because it's hardly fair to lead someone on who has no chance. When we do meet, (When?) I want you to meet the real me, the one who has been buried beneath the weight of the world (Yeah, it's so tough living in a first world country.) for the past few years. I know we'll recognize each other and in that instant so many layers will just melt away forever.

So, who am I and what is my life like? (Oh please do tell. I can't wait to hear about the life of the emotionally unstable.) Well, I was raised in a safe and stable environment by parents who instilled me with unwavering morals and ethics. If there is such thing as a functional family, mine would be the one by which all others are measured. (And your mental stability is proof of how much influence your family has.) Writing it this way makes it sound boring, but every one of us has such a ridiculous sense of humour and craving for fun that life was never boring.

My favourite thing to do is to write. (And I'm sure your readers are thankful.) It is also one of the things I dread the most and find the most exhausting. I think I am very good at it but, at the same time, I am often plagued with protracted writer's block of biblical proportions. (And yet it didn't happen in this novel sized rambling you decided to send to my friend. Lucky her.) I have written a couple books (What fascinating reads they must be.), one self-published, along with several other shorter pieces and have foolishly committed myself to achieving some measure of success as a storyteller. That has been a bit elusive and led me to suffer through some pretty long, lingering periods of self-doubt. (I have a feeling this gent may be losing an ear at some point.) To be honest, that persists to this day. I am realistic, however. Or maybe I am just hedging my bets. Either way, the point is I do have a real job while I pursue my dream. (So how did you happen to find a career in being the Mitzels bear?)

I also love to read and pretty much qualify as a bookworm. The Power of One, From Here to Eternity, Immortality, the Kite Runner, Garfield Takes the Cake (Okay ladies. If you find a guy who reads Garfield I want you to run. Don't walk. Just pack your belongings and move to a different state. It's for your own good.) ...all stirring and memorable. I also like to be aware of what is going on in the world and am drawn to political science and history books (Dan Brown doesn't count pal.) that help bring everything into focus.

I get a lot of exercise and usually go to the gym 4 or 5 times a week, but not because I have something to prove, I just enjoy it. I like to run, play whatever sports, but don't take any of it overly seriously as far as competitiveness.

What else...I like subtle perfume. (What perfume do you wear then?) I'd rather go for a long walk on Sunday morning than watch sports. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition makes me get misty and I don't care who knows it. (Now I do like me a rom-com every now and then, but reality television gets you to tear up?) I watch boxing and mma. (Damn it we have something in common.) I love a wide variety of music from hip hop to 60's rock and roll but prefer silence. (I prefer your silence.) I think the only thing pugs are good for is baiting a hook with. (WTF?) I'm a cat person (Most pansies are.) but find some dogs to be exceptionally charming...but not charming enough to pick up after. Anyone who says a kiss is just a kiss isn't doing it right because a kiss is magic that makes your head swim and the more the better. (Like how he went from dog crap to kissing? Interesting seqway there pal.) I have calluses, (Most lonely men do.) can fix basic mechanical stuff, (I bet you're proud of the day you fixed your Ewok catapult toy) have worked construction, (Dressing up like one of the Village People on Saturday nights doesn't count) like to wear jeans and a t-shirt and go without shaving, look good in a suit and will never lose my hair. I don't know when the 'guy code' in this world went from chivalry to bros before hoes. It hasn't for me. Sometimes I am an opinionated hothead, but I am never mean. I'm mature but a big kid and little kids love me for it. I'm shy until I get comfortable. (So shy you don't mind writing this nonsense to a stranger.) My friends and I trust each other with our lives. I've broken four bones in my life but never worn a cast. (So you're deformed?) I hate watermelon. (Now that's information she really needed. She's spent her entire life looking for someone who's against fruity melons.) Aliens, Goodfellas, The Princess Bride, Better Off Dead, The Sound of Music, Lord of the Rings and Jaws are some of my favourite movies. (Damn it. More we have in common. If I find anything else I might have to kill myself.) Impressions of Bill Cosby and William Shatner crack me up. So does Bugs Bunny. I've been in three fights, all involuntary and lost one badly. I think babies are neat but I'm afraid of them. (Way to show off your fine parenting skills. When girls hear babies are 'neat' they just melt.) The phrases "at the end of the day" and "make no mistake" drive me crazy. I like to say "great caesar's ghost" and "for the birds". (That must make a few panties wet when girls hear that.) Spiders freak me out, but not as bad as they used to. (Oh christ another thing we have in common. Goodbye cruel world.) Tigers are my favourite animal. I think mankind has a lot of explaining to do. (As do you apparently.) Ron Paul would make a better president than whoever either party nominates. (Oh gee a Paul-tard.)

In writing this, it occurs to me that I spend too much time alone; (This occurred to you just now?) some of that is self-imposed exile because I just enjoy doing things by myself. (Forget to take your meds again?) I'm an introvert, there is no denying that. At the same time though, I often wish I had someone there to really talk to and get to know me. (You do have a cat.) I have a small circle of very good friends, but even that connection has its limitations. It's been a long time since I have allowed someone to get really close and I can't wait to have that feeling again.

There are a lot of things I can't wait for. (Like sanity?) I can't wait to feel your warm fragrant skin against mine, to see you wearing one of my shirts, to spend an entire day on the couch beside you, hear you laugh, (wear your skin as a shirt) listen to your secrets, know your past and plan a future. I can wait to serenade you, to sing in the car with you, (give you a doll made out of my hair) run you a bath, hit you with a snowball, write your name in the sand, be seen with you, kiss you in public, (rub myself in Vaseline while you pour hot wax on me) pour you a glass of wine, watch you sleep, have you put your cold feet on me, get scrutinized by your friends, make you happy, tell you I love you and share a beautiful life.

Wow...just wow.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown


wigsf said...

Oh be nice. This guy's doing nothing wrong.

Anonymous said...

For once I have to agree with you. This guy seems...desperate. Very desperate.

Miss Ash said...

I had to stop reading at the kissing you gently or softly or whatever part *shudder* creeper!!!!!

Mattbear said...

Ladies and gentlemen, the next Ted Bundy.

Mizzle said...

Goatee hater.