Jun 23, 2006

Rules that can make soccer/football viewing less painful.

Thursday morning I sat down with the Jiggaman and watched my first World Cup game ever. It was an experience I hope to never replicate.

First off soccer, or football for anyone living outside the US and Canada, is dull by it's very nature. It's a low scoring non-contact game where a bunch of people run around and kick a ball. Not exactly entertainment at it's finest.

What really made the viewing experience frustrating is the players were a bunch of whiney pansies. If anyone made the slightest contact with them they would throw their arms out and bitch at the referee if a foul wasn't called. Worse some of them would lie down on the ground and wither in what seemed like brutal agony. The play would stop and the injured player would be carried off in a stretcher. Five minutes later they would be back on the field. This really slows down the game and makes a slow sport even more boring. And you thought the NBA was staffed by a bunch of pampered prima donnas?

I suggest a few rules that can help our attention span starved culture actually try and enjoy soccer:

1st rule: If you're carried off in a stretcher you cannot come back into play. This would help the pace of the game.

2nd rule: If you can't leave the field on your own accord and the use of a stretcher is necessary the play will still continue. You might get trampled or kicked, but that's what you get for getting injured you candy ass.

3rd rule: If a streaker does make it onto the field all players must drop trou and recite their favorite Dr Suess limerick all the while doing cartwheels. All benched players would be required to chase said streaker and beat them senseless.

4th rule: If the streaker is a hot girl then all players would be required to kneel down and bow in support.

5th rule: Two words: Land mines.

6th rule: If a player doesn't make a penalty kick the opposing team would lay the player down and give him pink belly.

7th rule: Cheerleaders. Hot cheerleaders dressed in school girl outfits.

8th rule: Referees would be given boxing gloves. Any player that receives a yellow card would be given an uppercut.

"That's what bothers me about the English soccer; they all kick that ball, in the vague hope somewhere will be a forward player." - Ritchie Blackmore

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