Mane

Editors warning: The staff at 'One Bad Apple' recommend highly that for those with a sensitive constitution stop reading immediately. Go back to your syrupy coffee drinks and/or abusing your children in the name of Satan. You may learn things about myself, and other men for that matter, you never wanted to.

It sucks being a man sometimes. Yes I know you women have the whole child birth thing and some of you sleep with hair guys. I have no doubt that it's harder for you than it is men. I feel for your plight against sexism, clothing sizes, and your inability to view the Twilight phenomenon as donkey crap.

Now that that's out of the way.

Men can and often do get hard at a moment's notice. For reasons unbeknownst to us we'll wake up stiff and there's little we can do about it except imagine Jabba the Hutt giving Bea Arthur a sponge bath. If that fails we display skills normally reserved for a Cirque De Sole acrobat when using the restroom in the early hours. Sadly spontaneous wood doesn't happen to us only when we roll out of bed.

When I was but a wee teen it took nothing more than a change in the wind to be at half mast. I could never understand why that was the case, but it lead to many an embarrassing incident. I take some comfort in the fact that I never went through what one poor classmate did. Still there were times I wouldn't go to the blackboard, or stand at all for that matter. Dates consisted of careful placement of items across the lap. School dances were...well...

I was under the mistaken impression that these kind of incidents wouldn't happen when I got older. Anyways to the lady at Safeway, no it was not you that was the cause of whatever it was you saw. In fact you didn't see anything. Move along and fill your cart with heaping amounts of Captain Crunch and be happy.

"I probably have become more infamous from two misdemeanors than probably anyone I could think of." - Paul Reubens