Jul 1, 2010

Happy Canada Day!

Most Americans don't know this, but today is Canada Day. Like our beloved 4th of July our neighbors to the north have a holiday to celebrate their country and blow stuff up what good.

We in the States don't pay much attention to Canada as we're too busy shooting each other up with handguns and eating fatty foods, but there's a lot about our allies that we should be aware of.

1. Canada, while independent, still maintains some sovereignty to the crown. As I understand it the Queen still has veto power there.
2. Vancouver has a lot of hot women.
3. 90% of the population is amassed near the border with the United States. You'd think it was cold or something in northern Canada.
4. A lot of the people speak French willingly.
5. Their ketchup has a sweet flavor.
6. They serve some weird jelly sauce with their mozzarella cheese.
7. You can drink at 19.
8. They're world renowned for their amazing strip clubs. (Don't ask me how I know that.)
9. They are a part of NATO and if America does get attacked Canada will gladly step in and fight along side us, as they have already with most of our major military engagements.
10. Some of the citizens will apologize for Bryan Adams. It's true. South Park wasn't kidding.
11. Brett the Hitman Hart is Canadian and one of the many cultural exports we Americans enjoy.
12. Their constitution wasn't ratified, technically, till sometime in the 1980s. Actually I'm still confused about that whole process.
13. They scream in Parliament just like the British.
14. Canadian news is far better than American.
15. They don't have the FCC breathing down their necks so they'll gladly show boobies on television past a certain hour.
16. Their macro-breweries are just as bad as those in the U.S. Yes Kokannee is no better than Budweiser. It's all crap.
17. Some of them will swing at you if you call their country 'America's hat'. Again don't ask me how I know that.
18. They understand the sport of curling.
19. Canada's citizens know far more about our leaders and process than we do theirs. Don't believe me? Who's the prime minister of Canada? That's what I thought.
20. A lot of them hate Toronto for some reason, sort of like how we feel about Detroit. I even watched a documentary about how the entire country feels about that city.
21. Contrary to popular belief not all of them are liberal, but even most of the conservatives enjoy the fact that they have socialized medicine.
22. Strange Brew is not a documentary and Dudley Do-Right is not based on a real person, sadly.
23. Based on my spam filter they have a huge abundance of Viagra that they're willing to sell at a low price. It's like they shipped it in by the thousands and then realized Canadian men don't suffer from erectile dysfunction and are looking to unload it quickly.
24. I still think it's amazing that no one has declared war on Canada for the simple fact that they're responsible for Nickleback. Yes I've become a hater of all things Nickelbackey. They truly are awful.
25. Canadian accents are kinda cute.

Wiwille, bridging border relations since 1975.

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase." - Scott Thompson


wigsf said...

Here are some more facts about Canada that many Americans don't know.

- In the province of Quebec, the drinking age is 18.
- Every Thursday is clothing optional.
- The Queen is currently in Canada.
- Canadian women have three tits. The third being a tiny one of the back, for dancing.
- We have never elected a black man to our highest office. The black woman who currently sits in the nation's highest office was appointed.
- Other famous Canadians include: Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Dan Ackroyd, John Candy, Phil Hartman, James Cameron, Tom Green, Rush, Wolverine and three of the seven dwarfs.
- We hate N********k as much as Americans do, maybe more.
- Gays can marry here.
- We grow the best pot here, or so I've been told.
- It's against the law to sneak up behind the Queen and yell "Boo!" And it carries a longer prison sentence than most violent crimes.
- The first ever European settlement in North America was in Canada.
- We still had the 1980s until 1993.
- We don't just scream in Parliament, we go so far as to stage a sissy-fight before each Parliament.
- Canada is the top oil exporter to the United States.
- Toronto is Canada's wang. Don't believe me. Go online and look at any Toronto newspaper this coming Monday morning and count the number of wangs you see in the pictures.
- Up here, M&Ms are called Smarties and Smarties are called Rockets.

Big Ben said...

Great list by both you are WIGSF.

And yes you can drink at 18 in a couple provinces. Did you forget about Pam Anderson - canuck! So is Teen Wolf.

America's hat is stupid, who where's a hat that is bigger than their entire body?

Most other Canadian cities are jealous of Toronto because we are the best, everyone is jealous of the best.

You and WIGSF's obsession with hating Nickleback is pretty sad, better to just pretend it doesn't exist.

Anonymous said...

I knew it was Canada Day but that was because I made the mistake of going to the mall. I hate the mall on Canadian Holidays!

Miss Ash said...

Ummm jelly with mozarella cheese.....huh??

Great list but you forgot to add how we loathe Celine Dion just as much as the rest of the world!

We also have Poutine Mmmmmm!!!

Claire said...

Happy 4th for today, and hooray for Canada. I love poutine!


Anonymous said...

WIGSF - 18 in Alberta too eh!

and I saw the queen's car the other day!

this says is all!