My future brother in-law has graciously organized a bachelor party for your author tonight. This evening I will partake in eating BBQ, playing Whirlyball, drink more than is safe or reasonable, and participate in the rite of passage that men do before their nuptials.
Contrary to popular belief I will be on my best behavior. My fiance's brother, father, and step-dad will be in attendance so all eyes will be on me. Even if they weren't present I promised my gal my halo would not slip and she trusts me to make appropriate choices even in clubs where girls wear very little, if anything.
So today I'll post (i.e. rip off) my friend's rules for patronage of the sort of club where you often hear the songs "Cherry Pie" and "Crazy Bitch". I believe every bachelor should read this and have a comprehension test on the material:
The 4 rules for visiting a strip club
The important thing to remember is that the best analogy for going to a strip club is going to Disneyland. The same basic rules apply. (Just don't try to get a lap dance from Goofy)
Rule 1: Go with Friends.
Let's face it, going by yourself is pretty sad.
Rule 2: Bring Money.
Really, otherwise why are you there. But set your budget. Draw all the money you need before setting foot in the club, and leave all ATM and credit cards at home.
Rule 3: Remember you are entering a land of Make Believe.
When you go to Disneyland, you have to face the fact that the Matterhorn is not a real mountain. In the Club most things you see are just as fake.
Her name isn't really Jasmine.
She isn't putting herself through Law School.
She isn't that in to you.
Rule 4: Keep your hands and feet inside the ride vehicle unless otherwise instructed by the ride operator.
Keep your hands where everyone can see them. Look, don't touch. However if she clearly indicates that some relaxing of this rule is allowed, use your best judgment (and be aware of where the bouncer is looking.) Editor's note: My hands will be inside the vehicle so help me.
Keeping these simple rules in mind will lead to a fun and fulfilling strip club experience.
Thank you for your time.
Tip your waitress
All of these rules will apply. Wish me luck!
"A bachelor's life is a fine breakfast, a flat lunch, and a miserable dinner." - Francis Bacon