Sorry guys.

For those four readers I have out there who are used to reading weird stories involving hot women I'm sorry that I haven't provided much lately. Celebrity culture is really not my bag, unless it's something completley ridiculous. Plus I don't think Paris Hilton or Anna Nicole are attractive.

Never fear dear readers for I have provided a video I think you'll all enjoy. I've never heard of this singer before, nor do I care what language she speaks. I liked this and I think you will to, well cept for Greg.

Yes the music is bad, but you won't care. Oh and you're welcome.

"The French have a Celtic link with the Scots and the Irish. The French, with their food and their language, are much more sophisticated, much more developed." - Sean Connery

Your job is dull as hell.

Civil servants at the Rural Payments Agency in the UK are under investigation for various misconduct including leaping from cabinets naked, having sex in bathrooms, fist fights, and break dancing. Apparently this is not proper workplace etiquette. Who knew?

Break dancing? I'm curious if any one of them combined all of the activities. A naked man jumped from a counter, then decides to bone a coworker in the bathroom, then in celebration came out into the cafeteria blaring Run DMC and showing off his eighties moves which resulted in a fist fight with his boss.

We need more of this at my job. Then again I'd hate to subject my coworkers to me leaping around the office naked. Hell I wouldn't even want them to watch me breakdance. I've never been one to electric boogaloo (live it, feel it, know it) and would probably set off the apocalypse if I tried.

"I think English people were a lot better at breakdancing than they were at making records." - Norman Cook

Probe over 'naked civil servants'

Things that make me feel old.

I recently entered the local Hollywood video to check out a movie about an hour before they closed. I walk in and hear blaring rap music. I turn to look at the clerk who bolted to the stereo to turn it down. She turned and looked at me, smiled, and then turned it back up.

What was she thinking? Did she think I look young? I'm 31 for god's sake, but yet she felt I was young and hip enough to enjoy music that's peppered with intelligent lyrics such as "yo niggaz". I shrugged it off then went about browsing the shelves, but after a while the music started getting to me.

Ye Gods I'm turning into my folks. No I wasn't standing there thinking to myself that it's no wonder the terrorists want to destroy us, but I just found loud music that dedicated itself to the "n" word, senseless violence, and the objectification of ignorant women got old real quick. If it was background noise that would be one thing, but to have it hammered into my brain over and over again was annoying.

I picked up my movies and headed to the counter. I was somewhat happy that there was no line given the fact that I wouldn't have to hear such horse shit for much longer.

Clerk: Did you find everything okay?
Me: Word up.
Clerk: ..(long pause)..uhh great.
Me: Fo shizzle.
Clerk: ....uhh...not a fan of rap?
Me: Ehh some.
Clerk: Really!! What do you listen to then?
Me: Usually I listen to metal, classical, or jazz, but mostly keep my music library dedicated to anything that doesn't recite a racial slur 47 times in one song.
Clerk: Oh.

The girl seemed really shocked that I didn't listen to rap. When she asked what it was I listened to she seemed to insinuate that there were no other music genres out there.

I was in my boss' office the other day and he had some R&B group singing about how much they're in love with some girl. It sounded like there were four of them singing.

Me: Is this Boyz 2 Men?
Boss: (laughing) No this is (insert R&B boy band here). Haven't you heard of them?
Me: Nope. Are they new?
Boss: Naw they're old school. What is this to sappy for ya?
Me: Naw, it just sounds a lot like Boyz 2 Men.

I dropped it at that. My boss is younger than me and I didn't need to age myself any more. Old school to him probably meant 1998. I think he was insulted by my assessment of his music. Yeah I'm kind of concerned about my review as well.

I always thought I'd grow up to be the cool adult, but really I just don't get today's youth culture.

"As I give thought to the matter, I find four causes for the apparent misery of old age: first, it withdraws us from active accomplishments; second, it renders the body less powerful; third, it deprives us of almost all forms of enjoyment; fourth, it stands not far from death." - Cicero

I'm alive thanks to miserable Washington weather.

Corey, Quoc, and I arrived at the drop zone ready to take the plunge out of an airplane. The cloud cover was so bad that our jumpmaster wouldn't let us go due to the lack of altitude. Finally the clouds started rising and it looked like we were finally going to make it. Then it rained. Sigh.

We ended up having to reschedule. Blast.

"If riding in an airplane is flying, then riding in a boat is swimming. If you want to experience the element, then get out of the vehicle." - Anonymous

The weirdest wedding reception ever.

Years ago I was a studio photographer and as all people in that profession weddings were my bread and butter. I have attended over 200 weddings either as a photographer or as just a member of the congregation. Yes I have many tales that stem from my observations at weddings and while most of them are quite boring some are horrific, funny, and/or just plain strange.

With Andrew's upcoming nuptials I started to think about the receptions I've witnessed. Most receptions are the same. People stand in line for food. They sit. They eat. They watch the couple dance. They laugh politely at the unfunny toasts. They cry at the couples' first dance. They drink heavily and go home.

One reception will always stand out for me. I was hired by a friend to photograph the reception of his cousins wedding. My partner and I showed up early and took light readings of the reception site. This is where I noticed things were off.

The reception area was in an auditorium next to the church. There was only one table and it was for the wedding party. The rest of the chairs were lined up in perfect order facing the stage. It looked like the congregation was going to be viewing a concert or something.

After the ceremony was over the couple decided it would be a great idea to have a procession line. Now this was a huge wedding so it took what seemed like forever for the people just to exit the church. This is why I've always been against these.

The people then lined up for the food which again took an eternity. After they got their meals they were escorted to the auditorium to sit. This took almost an hour and a half in total.

The reception finally got under way. The wedding party sat at their table while the congregation snacked on their finger sandwiches in what looked to be uncomfortable school chairs. The mother of the bride got up on the stage and told the audience that they were about to view a play and there was a program of the performance under their chairs.

Interesting.

The play was a dramatization of the couple's history together. Apparently they knew each other since childhood, which even a cynic like myself can say is cute. The actors got on stage and performed short humorous skits chronicling each stage of the couples' life. The couple are second generation corn farmers and being ever so clever as the playwrite(s) thought they were they modeled the bride and grooms' characters after Forrest Gump and his love interest Jenny.

Now I'm not a big fan of Forrest Gump. Far from it actually, but I would never model a bride after a fictional character who's startling achievements were injecting heroin, posing for Playboy, and being a blank panther sympathizing dirty hippy.

The first skit followed two children playing in the sandbox. Jenny threw sand on the boy in a display of affection and the boy ran away crying. The audience gave their polite laughter. Great, the groom is a wus.

The mother of the bride got up on stage and noted to everyone that there was a song listed in the program. They were all invited to sing the song as the next actors were setting up the scene. The audience then sang this silly song while I pondered fleeing for the nearest bar.

The second skit came about with the couple being characterized as middle schoolers. The boy did his best Tom Hanks impression as he rattled off all the different types of corn there was. Get it? In the film Bubba explained all the different kinds of shrimp. Now this kid did the same thing only with corn. Laughing yet? Yeah I thought so.

This followed with another audience participation song. Another skit was performed, another song was sang. As the singing progressed I stood there with my camera taking shots of the event. The friend who hired me kept giving me that look that said "I know if you weren't being paid to do this you'd be drinking from a flask right now."

I kept trying to get a shot of the bride and groom at the table, but the groom refused to smile. Throughout the entire reception he sat there looking bored. Sometimes he would get a pissed look on his face. I guess if I were being characterized as a mildly retarded movie character I'd be a little ticked as well. The bride laughed along with the skits, but I could tell she was faking it as she kept looking at her mother after each giggle for approval. She really must love her mom.

The play ended and the bridal party got up and did their toasts. Now it's customary to have a maid-of-honor and best man do a toast, but everyone in the party, including the five bridesmaids and their respective groomsmen, fathers, mothers, and even grandparents, raised a glass of sparkling cider to the happy couple. By this time the audience was getting restless. If there was another song I believe we would have a riot on our hands.

Let me point out now that there was no alcohol served at this event. None. The congregation had to sit through this and not even get a drink of champagne.

I got a few shots of the bride and groom before they made their exit. I commented to the couple on the uniqueness of the reception to which the groom replied "I do not wish that upon anybody. I'm so sorry my friends and family had to endure that shit." That resulted in a swift elbow from the bride.

If Andrew and Jessica have a reception like that I'm going to punch them both in the mouth.

"Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle." - Heinrich Heine

The hottest witch ever fighting the good fight.

The House recently shut down an amendment that would guarantee internet neutrality. If you're not familiar many telecom companies, from AT&T to Verizon, would like to see the internet completely under their thumb. How they plan to accomplish this goes over my head, but they're lobbying Congress to pass legislation to have that happen soon. The bill that just failed would make it so internet regulation and ownership would stay the same, in the hands of the users. One can expect federal legislation to pass soon to have the once independent websites controlled under the federal and corporate regulations. I suggest contacting your congressperson soon to voice your thoughts.

But we netsavy people do have a hero on our side and that is the fine actress Alyssa Milano. Yes the Charmed star is leading the fight to keep the telecom companies from having control over the free exchange of thoughts we internet users cherish. Not only is she bringing her power of celebrity to the debate, but that fact that she's just freakin hot will hopefully get geeks off their ass and into the discourse.

You loyal readers may note that I've had a crush on Ms Milano since I was eight so I am a little bit biased. She could probably endorse a campaign against Playboy and I'd all of a sudden be all for it. I'm kind of stupid that way.

"I think we're in a time when everyone's afraid to have sex. But I was raised being beautiful and healthy." - Alyssa Milano

House rejects Net neutrality rules
Crushes that never die.

Corey, Quoc, and I won't die

Tomorrow Corey, Quoc, and I plan to jump out of a plane. Now people often ask me why I'm so crazy as to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. My answer is I've never jumped out of a plane that was perfectly good. Far from it in fact. It's easier to jump out of an aircraft that looks like it was built and last maintained during the Carter administration then one that flies smoothly.

For those of you who haven't done it I suggest you do. You won't regret it.

Hopefully we won't die. If I don't post anymore you'll know I ended up pulling a Willie Coyote.

"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving." - Henry Youngman

Ann Coutler update: A love letter from Henry Rollins.

In spite of the recent horrific comments Ann Coulter has made about 9/11 widows I thought this video courtesy of Henry Rollins is appropriate. For those of you who don't know who Henry Rollins is I suggest picking up one of his spoken word albums immediatley.

Enjoy.

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.” - Henry Rollins

You must sing karaoke or you're fired.

I hate karaoke. I believe there is a place reserved in hell for the inventor of such an annoying activity. I haven't been to a karaoke outing in a while and still the images of a 20 something singing "Friends in Low Places" and/or dirty lyrics to the tune of the Grease soundtrack still haunt me.

I have graced the microphone on more than one occasion and belted out "People are Strange" and "The Ballad of Chasey Lain" much to the amusement, if not agony, of the attending crowd. Yes I did it, but I am not proud of making the ghost of Jim Morrison cry.

I seem to be a minority in my hate of all that is the ever popular alcohol induced singing machine. The Japanese invention has grown larger than Godzilla in this country. Much like the angry lizard it has trampled it's way through bars across America destroying any semblance of taste while leaving a trail of attention whore stardom for denizens of American Idol rejects.

In Vietnam karaoke seems to be not just a matter of friendly bar outings, but proper business etiquette. Eight department heads of PVFC are facing possible suspension all because they didn't partake in the activity during a contract signing ceremony. Apparently they are now required to write "self-criticism" reports for not getting up and singing "Love Shack".

If this precedent takes place in the US I believe open revolt is the only answer. We can't play online poker, we can't get a lapdance, gays can't marry, but for some reason the state allows a drunken fool to butcher "Free Bird".

"No one has been laid off yet but they have to criticize themselves for not participating in collective activities." - A PVFC official.

Vietnam officials faulted for not singing karaoke

This blog makes me look like a moron.

As you dear readers may notice grammar is not my strong suit. I write these posts rather quickly and my focus is largely concentrated on humor and insight more than vocabulary and spelling. According to most there are grammar mistakes I make that make me look stupid. Apparently my mind should be judged by how I write and not how I think.

"Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression." - Bronson Alcott

10 flagrant grammar mistakes that make you look stupid

Ann Coulter shows real class

I can't imagine having nothing but endless sympathy for the people who lost loved ones in the horrific attacks on 9/11. Ann Coulter thinks otherwise.

Now I can understand speaking out against those who push themselves into the public forum. Their thoughts should be up for criticism just as much as anyone elses regardless of their position. I do believe tack should be involved though, but again the leggy blonde has shown little of that.

In a brash statement against 9/11 widows and the so called infallibility of some of the liberal ones, the bulimic neo-conservative states this in her new book:

"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzies. I have never seen people enjoying their husbands' death so much."

Amazing. As someone who does have conservative values on some issues I wish she would just go away. She does not speak for any Republican I know. In fact most of them hate her for making them looking like mindless drones. Well I guess some Republicans are, but still should she be the spokesperson for anything besides androgeny?

"Liberal soccer moms are precisely as likely to receive anthrax in the mail as to develop a capacity for linear thinking." - Ann Coulter

Coulter on 9/11 Widows: I Have Never Seen People Enjoying their Husbands Death So Much

My favorite commercial ever.

Commercials are usually annoying insults to our intelligence if not taste. One cannot escape being bombarded with advertisements. You find them everywhere; on television, internet, radio, and even before watching a movie in the theatre. Most people ignore them, but there are those few that keep the ad industry thriving. People who will swear to you that Coca-Cola doesn't taste like malted battery acid, that magnets in shoes will heal any ailment, and if their kids don't have a Tickle Me Elmo doll they'll grow up to be a serial killer.

There are those few that speak the truth and none spoke better than the Coors Light Wingman commerical of a few years ago. All men who have watched this related, and we all laughed collectivley. It was as if this ad really understood our plight as the Wingman, the sacrifice it took to give attention to a woman in order to help our friend land digits. For those of you who missed this nugget of wisdom brought to you by the worst brewing company I can think of, enjoy.

"The wingman scenario in the Budweiser (Coor's Light) ad reinforces the notion that women are not actually worth talking to, except if you want to buy us a beer and attempt to seduce us. Conversation is a means to an end. It is the tactic the wingman deploys in order to aid in the completion of the mission. I don’t think I need to point out that this depiction of the wingman is not only pigheaded and sexist but heterosexist as well. It implies that a man must always be present for sex to occur." - The Littlest Blog



Wingman

Washington State makes online poker a felony. Tad found packing his bags and moving to Oregon.

Yes this great state of Washington decided that since all other problems have been solved that the one activity that will destroy the fabric of our society is online poker. In what seems like a under publicized piece of legislation, online poker players can now face a penalty of up to 5 years in prison for making a bet online.

What self richeous bunch of pansies we are. Seriously we cannot allow someone to simply make a bet on cards. Move to Washington folks where the state knows what's best for your personal life. It sure beats having to make those decisions for yourself.

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright

Washington State Makes It a Felony to Play Poker Online

Tim Eyman has gone insane.

Depending on who you ask Tim Eyman is a hero or a destructive force in Washington State politics. Garnering state wide attention with his $30 vehicle tab ballot measure a few years back, Eyman became a sort of everyman hero to many conservatives. His opinionated stands on issues and his often ridiculous staged events provide him with a large amount of media coverage.

Now he's trying to add another ballot to November's election that would appeal the legislature's anti-discrimination bill protecting homosexuals from discrimination in jobs, housing, etc. He's short on signatures so he's decided to dress as the Dark Lord of the Sith, aka Darth Vader, to attract more media to his campaign.

Now you think Paris Hilton is an attention whore. Would you sign a petition being held by someone who dresses up as a Star Wars character? If not would GI Joe be better? How about if he dressed up as Rainbow Brite?

"The only time elected officials are really dangerous is when they don't think we the citizens are paying attention."- Tim Eyman

Eyman shows up at news conference as Darth Vader

Don't tempt God.

My mother always told me never to tempt God. I always believed in that thinking that God wouldn't look too kindly on me trying to test his abilities, if not his existence.

A man in Kiev recently decided that the Lord would save him in an unusual test of faith. He entered a zoo and shouted to everyone that God would save him. He then lowered himself into a lion's exhibit. God decided not to prove this man right as the fellow became eligible for a Darwin Award. Simba is unavailable for comment.

Call me cold, but I'm kind of glad this guy is no longer able to reproduce.

"In the survival of favoured individuals and races, during the constantly-recurring struggle for existence, we see a powerful and ever-acting form of selection." - Charles Darwin

Lioness in zoo kills man who invoked God

What happens in Vancouver, stays in Vancouver.

Well Andrew's bachelor party was a success. After getting off work in the morning I picked up Quoc and met up with the gang in Bellingham. We then hopped the border into BC and kicked off the adventure. I effectively went without sleep for 30+ hours straight, but it was all worth it.

Want to know details? Well that won't happen. What happened there will stay there. I'm sure you understand.

"I go to strip clubs, I like strip clubs... I really want to be a stripper, I'm doing comedy to get into stripping." - Sarah Silverman

Chomsky video.

I'm a big fan of Noam Chomsky, but that doesn't mean I'm a worshipper. There is a difference. I admire his intellect; although like most professors, at least the ones I've met, he seems to be under that mistaken impression that having a PHD means you are never wrong.

Regardless if I agree or disagree with his views on terrorism, which seem limited to him dryly defining the term in context of East vs West over and over again, I'm always fascinated by his conviction and knowledge of history. Unlike a lot of "intellectual" heroes on the left and the right Chomsky never delves into heavy handed sensationalized propoganda.

He recently did an interview with Memri TV which I think you'll find interesting, that is if you enjoy Chomsky. If not forget this whole post.

You can find the video here.

"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume." - Noam Chomsky

Pisseth me offeth it doeseth.

Okay it's bad enough that Anna Nicole will spawn. I'm a pretty desensitized individual, but thinking of her raising a child offends my very soul. Anyone that knows her personally should have the local Child Protective Services on speed dial.

I think this is a plot by the Illuminati. Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan will give birth completing the trifecta of dumb whore spawns who will then form into a Voltron like creature and will kill all who either a) pay no attention to them b) hate them c) hate them, but can't stop discussing them.

After the Whoretron creation wipes the planet of anyone who's not into watching celebrity train wrecks Henry Kissinger will announce himself emperor of the world and crown Paris as his queen. Slaves will work 24x7 and their only news outlet will be AWN, Attention Whore Network.

Seriously what ticks me off even more is the fact that far more important stories are being bumped from the front page to announce the pregnancy of one of America's least favorite gold digger. Take CNN for example:

1. On the science page they have a story about the possibility of alien life on our planet. ALIEN LIFE. Maybe that's what got Anna pregnant. Mysterious red cells might be aliens

2. Okay this may not seem like a big deal, but Nigeria is Africa's largest oil exporter and if security isn't tighter at the oil rigs OPEC will have yet another excuse to raise prices. 8 expats abducted from Nigeria oil rig

"I don't drink as much as I use to could."- Anna Nicole Smith

How did I become me?

Sometimes I sit and ponder how I became the person I am today. I have those moments where I look at my friends, family, co-workers, etc and think to myself that I really don't fit in. While I love them all deeply, well most of them, I feel troubled by the fact that I think they don't get me, or worse I don't get them. Often do I observe this world and the lunacy that I see in our social units, from governments to small cliques, and my soul seems to long for an identity amongst them. Most of the time though, I don't really care.

Reading a lot of news doesn't help my identity crisis. The absurdities of human behavior make me feel sane. So many reports remind of how unstable our minds are. Stories that normally involve a sword, a naked old person screaming obscenities in the street holding a cucumber, or a hot teacher sleeping with a 14 year old remind me that the life I live is truly a blessed one.

I also think about how other's see certain aspects of life. I try to look at how some people view our politics and culture and think to myself, sometimes naively, that I broadened my world perspective. Then again some news and events baffle me and I give up trying to decipher what anyone involved was thinking.

Toronto is hosting the first annual "Feminist Porn Awards". Now I cannot pass judgment on viewers of adult entertainment, but isn't feminist porn sort of like saying masculine bath salt? I don't imagine Rocco Siffredi will be in attendance. If you know who that is you are a world class porn afficiando, i.e. Corey.

Like how I tied in my place amongst society and porn?

"We wanted to celebrate filmmakers who are making really great porn, the kind that makes us feel good about sex, makes us feel good about our bodies and treats sex as something fun and good," - Chanelle Gallant

Education is the key.

Given the horrendous massacre at Haditha, the US military has decided to give their soldiers battlefield ethics training to hopefully curb further civilian casualties. Lt. Gen. Peter Chiarelli, commander of Multinational Corps, feels that the training will hammer home the idea of "professional military values and the importance of disciplined, professional conduct in combat."

I will not pretend to know what it's like to be in combat. I have even less of a clue as to what it's like to face an enemy so fierce and barbaric as the one our troops fight on a daily basis in Iraq. I do know it does take a lot for a group of trained professionals to kill innocents in the manner the group of Marines allegedly have done.

Does the military really feel that an crash course in morality is going to cure the problem of civilian casualties? Now I'm no officer, but wouldn't winning the war and having the full support of a competent administration be more effective?

"Every geography book in the world is going to say 'American-occupied Iraq' over the map of Iraq. That's going to be the most glaring indignity the Arabs have ever faced." - Chris Matthews

U.S. Troops to Get Ethics Training in Iraq