Remember the proper words

Sometimes I hear a song, read an article, or watch a movie and just shake my head wondering who the hell thought this was a good idea. Whether it be the 'Crash Test Dummies', 'The Star Wars Holiday Special', or 'The Fall Guy' Hollywood never ceases to amaze me with the periodic crap they release on an unsuspecting public.

Years ago Henry Winkler of Happy Days fame hosted a video for kids called 'Strong Kids, Safe Kids'. It was an educational piece instructing kids on how to avoid child molesters. My school actually showed it to the children. I found a video clip of one of the songs and it's disturbing as all high holy hell. Just when I thought I had the film pressed into the dark recesses of my tiny brain, Ebaums World was kind enough to post this for all the world to see.

I warn you this is not for the squeamish. Whoever wrote and sang this song must be stopped at all costs.

"Assumptions are the termites of relationships. I wrote that." - Henry Winkler

This clip originally appeared in the 1984 video Strong Kids, Safe Kids, starring Henry Winkler.

Falafel boy loses it on air.

I know I post about Bill O'Reilly a lot, but the man is a great source of comedy. On his radio show he goes into a hilarious tirade against people who speak out about the Bush administration using this war as an excuse to provide profits to Haliburton. He aims to speak out and 'name names' as an attempt to scare people into providing proof.

Oh big bad scary Bill will call you out. Aren't you trembling?

The good folks at Crooks and Liars has the audio.

"That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier." - Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly goes Nuts

You can't drive, well then marry your driver.

Known for it's anti-feminist culture, and that's putting it very mildly, Saudi Arabia will not allow women to operate a motor vehicle. Seriously it's a law. I'm unaware of the reasoning, but if I found out my blood pressure would probably escalate.

Four women got tired of their long commutes. They figured the best solution would be to marry their driver. Yes all four women are now wed to a driver and they have agreed to give him a portion of their monthly salary. They now live closer to their respective workplaces and have a taxi service at their disposal.

Romance is king in the mideast country.

"The Saudi government's denial of basic rights to women is not only wrong, it hurts Saudi Arabia's economic development, modernization and prosperity." - Barbara Boxer

Tired of commuting, four teachers marry driver

Falwell, litigator for Christmas.

The Rev Falwell decided to set up a "Friend of Foe Christmas Campaign", which is headed by Liberty Council, a conservative legal think tank. They promise to sue anyone who tries to inflict false information regarding the celebration of the holiday in the public forum, i.e. schools, parks, etc.

The real meaning of Christmas in the 21st century will be overly sensitive candy asses and lawsuits. Every time a bell rings someone gets a subpoena.

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America" - Jerry Falwell

Falwell fighting for holy holiday He'll sue, boycott groups he sees as muzzling Christmas

Another day, another indictment.

In keeping with the latest trend of politicians being indicted Rep Randy Cunningham resigned today after being arrested for bribery and tax evasion charges. He faces a maximum penalty of ten years in prison. He made a tearful apology in a public statement and displaying a very unDelay like manner took responsibility for his actions. I imagine he was smiling though when he accepted 8.1 million in bribes.

I for one am impressed by his statement if not his congressional record, but this has got to be a huge blow the GOP. Already suffering from abysmal poll numbers they really have to pull something to gain an edge before the upcoming elections. I'm not sure what could help at this point though. Maybe free beer would work.

I am happy that he's gone though. His record on the House floor indicates he's a bigot, homophobe, and just plain wrong on most issues.

“Was she [Paula Coughlin] totally innocent in this [the Tailhook Scandal]? I don’t think so . . . If you have clothes that are scant, if you have a past that is not professional, then that’s going to add to the problems.” - Randy "Duke" Cunningham.

GOP lawmaker pleads guilty to tax charge, quits

In military homoerotic news...

I have made and broken many rules for myself. I have broken many laws. One rule that is cardinal is never fight naked. I won't explain why, cause if you ask you should seriously examine your life and wonder how you survived this long.

The British Royal Marines have been exposed, pun intended. The UK jarheads decided a great hazing ritual would be naked fighting. A video of a non-commissioned officer and a commando going fisticuffs was released to the public prompting an investigation by the military.

Who the hell thinks this stuff up? This might start a crazy fetish among the seriously disturbed. Before this turns into an actual sport sponsored by the makers of KY let me state that I am against it.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

Naked fight film sparks calls for new crackdown on bullies

I'm not a big Harry Potter fan and that doesn't make me a bad person.

Harry Potter. The name means so much to so many. Young children cheer at the geeky magician traversing various opponents in a sporting event while flying a broom. Adult fans flock to theaters and spend hours reading giant sized books dedicated to a kid going to school to learn magic tricks. Conservatives spew disgust at the thought of their children possibly taking up an interest in dark arts all because of the fandom created by this. And then there are those who are really disinterested and yet choose to blog about it.

I am one of the people that remain indifferent to the phenomena that was created by J.K. Rowling. I heard a lot of the hype surrounding these books and thought I might pick up one and see what it was all about. While I found the novel amusing and creative it really lacked a strong plot. Harry is one of the most uninteresting fantasy protagonists since Luke Skywalker and the absence of a real villain made it kind of dull. I've been told many times that the stories get better as each book goes along, but I don't really care enough to spend hours finding out.

The first movie came out which had a lot of great qualities, mostly visual. The acting was hit and miss and the revelation of the villain was so cartoonish I was waiting for him to turn into a silent movie antagonist and twirl a mustache and yell "foiled again." I actually laughed out loud in the theatre much to the dismay of the other movie goers. I seem to do that a lot.

The second movie came out and I really don't remember much of it. I do recall it did have the most annoying special effects sequence ever which included screaming plants that added nothing to the already thin plot. Oh and they had spiders. I was confused by the fact that some big guy sent the children to see the spiders knowing full well they might be eaten, but came out of the story as a hero. Fans always tell me I should read the book to find these answers, but why the hell should I? Is it too much to ask a filmmaker to explain the holes of the story in the film itself? I guess so.

The third one then was released and I actually liked it. Granted I wasn't thrilled, but it was pretty good. They actually had a plot and they at least made it somewhat suspensful, although it would help the urgency in the picture if they made Harry somewhat likeable.

Now the fourth one is upon us and every one is gaga over "the best film in the series." Now while I am curious to see this film I do have one thing to say to it's fans:

Grow up. Don't give me that blank stare when you find out I'm not a huge fan. I'm a fan of many things such as Star Wars, Marlon Brando, Steinbeck, 49ers (who suck this year), James Dean, UFC, Hunter S Thompson, etc, and you don't find me barraging people with asinine questions as to why they don't love the things I do. Not embracing a children' book doesn't make you a lesser person nor does it mean you hate all things childlike. Oh and don't get so pissed if I make any accusation that films and literature live and die by their marketing and not by their quality and Harry Potter is an example of phenomenal promotions, excellence be damned. And yes go ahead and trash my ability to judge fine writing while you open your copy of Stephen King's/Tom Clancy's/Dean Koontz's latest novel.

By the way when I ask you what it is you like about Harry as a character why do you all stand there and have to think for so long before giving me the same answer? There's nothing wrong with being a fan or being a geek really, but stop judging me because I haven't hopped a bandwagon of entertainment that's really, in my most humble opinion, not that good. Sure it's a fun series full of whimsy and magical delight and I'm glad you all enjoy these stories, but the one's who aren't as interested in the hype are still good people and do enjoy quality entertainment.

There are many out there like me.

"I keep hearing about mutha fucking Harry Potter. Who is this muthafucker?" - Snoop Dogg

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I have so much to be thankful for this year I could spend hours typing. Enjoy this gluttonous holiday.

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." - Kevin James

Please tell me everything. I so love to hear your thoughts.

Strangers come up and talk to me at all the time which is strange when I've been told on numerous occasions that I constantly look pissed off. Usually it's places I can't escape, such as buses, planes, jail....uhh I mean church. Yeah church. The following is a letter to them all:

Dear strangers,

Please come up and talk to me. I want to hear your exciting stories about your cute as hell son or daughter that won a spelling bee in the 2nd grade. Nothing appeals to me more then to listen you brag about your child's recent trophy win while you sport the accompanying photograph. (See I included sport in a comical reference to...aw fuck it never mind).

I love it when you tell me your problems concerning your current love live, or lack thereof. I find it compelling to hear that your boyfriend really wants a anal to mouth fantasy realized. Hell I thought a threesome conversation would be awkward, but dirty oral?

Your stories of how your girlfriend is a dirty tramp are mesmerizing. I'm glad to hear how she downed a bunch of ex tablets and went and starred in a off the cuff amateur porn featuring a minor league hockey player and his coach. The way you describe how they included pickle relish with double penetration is worthy of a Pulitzer. Your thoughts on how you want to "kill that dumb ho" are understandable, if not overly coherent. I usually prefer the method of breaking up, but hey that's just me.

I especially like to hear about your child abuse and/or how your boyfriend is a real 'dirty cocksucker'. Dangling people over a balcony ledge is not how I like to express my love either, but your guy and Michael Jackson just seem to think differently.

Yes all of you, please tell me about how your job sucks.

Thanks to you all for the mental images I produce with your vomit inducing tales of abuse, deep fat fryer recipes, and praise for the latest reality television show. Keep em coming.

Thanks,

Erik

"When you meet a stranger, look at his shoes. Keep your money in your shoes." - Michael Stipe

You should be a hot woman.

Debra LaFave will not face any jail time for sleeping with her underage student three times. Instead she will face probation and will have to register as a sex offender. Now a lot of people will cry foul and say, "If that were a man he'd never escape prison. Women sex offenders need therapy while male sex offenders need castration. It's a huge double standard."

While I agree with a lot of you on this I'm going to pose another possibility of why she avoided jail time. Debra LaFave is hot. I read Fark constantly and they have many news stories regarding female teachers sleeping with students. In viewing these stories it seems to me that the ugly women go to jail where the even mildly attractive ones get community service. Granted the ugly women probably spend less time in the joint then a man would, but looks shouldn't keep you from being locked up. Or should it? Debra LaFave's attorney thinks so. He argued to the jury that because she's so attractive she wouldn't do well in prison and therefore she shouldn't go.

This sentence was agreed upon in the plea bargain with the victim's family. The mom stated she didn't want her son to face the emotional trauma of court proceedings.

Moral of the story: If you're a woman you better be hot, cause if you're ugly our country will keep you behind bars. If you're a man you'll always be sent to a pound-in-the-ass prison for sleeping with a minor.

"To place an attractive young woman into that kind of hellhole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions. I am not sure that Debbie would be able to survive," - John Fitzgibbons. Debra Lafave's attorney.

Predatory Teacher Dodges Jail

So if you're not for the war in Iraq you're not only unpatriotic, but you're a dirty stinkin yellow belly.

Rep Jean Schmidt decided to use the House floor to drum up her support for the war in Iraq. Her target was Rep Murtha, who you may be aware is receiving accolades of media attention for his stance on withdrawing troops almost immediatley.

"Yesterday I stood at Arlington National Cemetery attending the funeral of a young marine in my district. He believed in what we were doing is the right thing and had the courage to lay his life on the line to do it. A few minutes ago I received a call from Colonel Danny Bubp, Ohio Representative from the 88th district in the House of Representatives. He asked me to send Congress a message: Stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message, that cowards cut and run, Marines never do. Danny and the rest of America and the world want the assurance from this body – that we will see this through."

She received numerous boos once the word coward was used. Democrats reportedly got in her face and many screamed with outrage. After things settled she asked to strike the comments from the record.

"Mr. Speaker, my remarks were not directed to any member of the House and I did not intend to suggest they applied to any member, most especially the distinguished gentleman from Pennsylvania (Murtha)."

My ass she didn't. Republicans are now making the claim that if you're for withdrawing troops you're a scaredy cat. I guess they believe if they double dare the Democrats enough times they'll back off. Note the use of a soldier's funeral to add that certain dramatic pitch.

"I'm excited to go on the bus and sing 'Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,'" - Jean Schmidt

House Rejects Iraq Pullout After GOP Forces a Vote

Christmas, culture wars, assault rifles.

Christmas is no where near as cool when you're older then when you're a kid. You know this, but there's a lot more going against Christmas fun. The news lately is inundated with the so dubbed 'holiday culture wars' where people get pissed off if a nativity or a menorah is displayed on public property. I was working at a casino on the blessed day of gift giving when I wished a customer a Merry Christmas.

"I don't celebrate Christmas", she stated with a smug expression.

"Okay," I said hoping that would be the end of it.

"Did you hear me?" she stated knowing damn well I did.

"Yes I heard you," I said. I quickly glanced away and started up a conversation with someone else hoping she would go away.

"I don't celebrate Christmas," she said again interrupting us.

"I know you don't."

"Well I take offense at you wishing a Merry Christmas. Not all people celebrate Christmas."

"Yes I know."

"Well you might offend someone like you did me."

Now this is where I lost all good sense.

"Mam I'm sorry you took offense to wishing you good cheer during this holiday season. I also appreciate your self richeous attempt in thinking you were doing me a favor while shielding the ever so sensitive public from my good natured Christmas phrase."

She stood there in silence for a while. She had that blank stare accompanied by the open mouth. The wheels they were a turning.

"I just think...," and that's when I tuned her out. You know when someone has lost an argument and has no retaliation, at least not a good one, when they start a sentence with 'I just think'. Sensing my impatience and disinterest she jumped off her candy ass soapbox and stated loudly "I'm talking to your manager about this."

"His name is Generrao," I said with a big smile. "You can find him over by buffet. Oh and Merry Christma...uhh...never mind."

"Smart ass," she screamed.

Ahh that was fun.

Speaking of the holidays some waste of sperm decided to start off the shopping season by walking into a mall and shooting an assault rifle. Hostages were taken; however they were released uninjured and the man was taken into custody without further incident. This event gives more proof that Tacoma is the bunghole of the Puget Sound.

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" - Bill Watterson

Mall shooting suspect surrenders
The coolest Christmas lights display EVER...

Another useless celebrity, another sex tape...

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn that Britney Spears has a sex tape that's floating around. I guess some guy is threatening to release it not realizing that no one cares anymore. If this would've happened say 4 years ago this story would appear on the cover of Time magazine.

Why won't someone I'm really hot for release a sex tape? Damnit all the luck. Instead all I get are uber plastic almost scary butt rock queens, rich untalented "models" with eating disorders, and now trailer trash bimbos trying to pose as pop royalty. No Charlize Thereon for me.

If this tape had Jason Mewes from Jay and Silent Bob fame doing her I would watch it. If anything I'd love to hear him scream "snoogins" while in the act.

"The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff." - Britney Spears

Britney 'fears tape'

Six degrees of Tonya Harding.

I came from a small town and never had many encounters with celebrities. Except for the time I threw myself on top of Amy Lee's limo and tried to enter it through the sunroof my exposure to famous people is limited. I am; however, two degrees from our favorite white trash figure skater turned boxer.

I grew up not to far from where she used to skate. Years after the infamous Nancy Kerrigan debacle BS called and told me he had a funny story for me. Tonya Harding was (is?) dating Darren Silver, a guy I knew from high school. Craig S, who is quite possibly the funniest man alive, was hanging out with Darren and Tonya one night and Tonya was was upset about her truck being stolen. Never to be one to shy away from stating the inappropriate, Craig S advised her to use 'The Club', cause he heard it was really effective. Tonya reportedly did not appreciate the comment and responded angrily.

'He he,' I thought. It's a good story, but I doubted it's validity. I couldn't believe Tonya was dating someone from the small town I grew up in, plus the story seemed a little staged.

Months later I was watching the news and they reported that she was arrested for a domestic dispute where she beat up her boyfriend with a hubcap. I see the video of a bruised up man and sure enough it was Darren Silver. I called Craig S immediately and asked him if he ever met her and sure enough he told me the story. His friend, who was present at the time of his humorous club comment, confirmed the story.

Small world really. I wonder what possesses someone to get involved with her. He must be a masochist of the highest order. How do you introduce her to your friends and family?

"This is my girlfriend Tonya. You may recognize her from such classics as a x rated wedding video which was widely distributed. She also hired someone to take a weapon and crush the knee of a fellow skater. She now boxes. Happy Thanksgiving."

"One thing I like about boxing is that I will not have to deal with the same kind of politics that I had to in skating. In boxing, it is not about your appearance, or how your costume looks, what color it is, or how much it costs." - Tonya Harding

Harding sentenced to three days in jail for attack on boyfriend

Naked man + fire + elevator = Bellevue.

Sometimes I think the eastside is too tame. Nothing really goes on here. Then there are news reports of guys stripping down and dancing around a fire in a downtown elevator in Bellevue. If only the man had a sword to add to the regular mix of crazy people attire.

"The naked man refused to cooperate and was taken to Overlake Hospital because medics believed he was under the influence of drugs. The Journal reported the man's mother told police her son suffers from psychotic episodes, regularly refuses to take his medication and recently started wearing dresses and high heels." - KIRO News

Naked Man Arrested After Elevator Fire

Versace I am not.

According to most people I have a horrible fashion sense. I really do. Loose fitting jeans, t-shirt, and old worn out shoes are all a part of my daily attire. I don't shave regularly either and I have bad hair.

I used to have to dress up on a daily basis when I was a photographer, but normally I dress to what the code is made at my current employment. I'm of the philosophy of comfort over eye candy.

I've learned recently that a lot of what I wear is not pleasing to the feminine eye. Jean shorts are apparently a huge faux paus and pants that used to fit 45 lbs ago no longer look good. Also double breasted suits are not attractive, which sucks cause I was under the mistaken impression that it was the only thing that made me look even somewhat cool.

I found an article that was interesting if not obvious. It's a guy who talks to four women about the state of men's' fashion and the shallow dos and don'ts. If you want to impress your girl I guess you have to read the article. I wish you luck in your quest to find the correct attire. God knows I'm sure as hell confused.

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new." - Henry David Thoreau

A Look at Guys Fashion

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday...

A coworker of mine has been posting his horrific dating experiences on his live journal with reckless abandon. Apparently this guy has never had a positive date...ever. The stories are humorous though and I'm thankful I get to laugh at him...err...with him. I've now been inspired to share my most 'interesting' dating experience with all two of you.

I was 18 I think. I met a girl who happened to be a friend of an acquaintance. We seemed to hit it off really well and she gave me her phone number. I called her a few days later, this was before the whole 3 day rule was brought to my attention, and asked her out. I had this plan of going to Portland with some dinner and dancing. She informed me that she had plans with some friends and wanted me to come along. I thought this was actually a good idea considering I didn't know many of her friends.

"Where will we be going?" I asked.

"Well we're all getting together to go to a monster truck show at the Cowlitz Fairgrounds."

I paused. I really didn't know what to say.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," she said.

"Umm...monster truck show? Seriously?" I honestly thought she was testing me to see how much I liked her.

"Yeah, but you don't have to go." Her voice was reassuring at least.

Monster truck show. What a white trash thing to do, but I said yes thinking that I might actually enjoy it. Damn I was never more wrong.

We first arrive there and I see a girl I used to go to high school with. She sat in front of us and said hi and I introduced her to my date. She then turned around and decided it would be a great idea to stand up and look at me and say "How come I see you with a different girl every time?"

Now I've never been what you call a ladies man. Ever. I've never had the looks, charm, or money. I have no idea what possessed her to say this. My date turns and glares at me while the girl in front of me gets a big grin and turns around. This set the precedent for the rest of the night.

For those of you who have never attended such high brow entertainment let me explain how this works. Two big trucks line up. They rev their engines and then jump over cars. 10 minutes go by and the same thing happens. This was the show for 3 hours. 3 freakin hours!!!

Now I tried to be cool and pretend that I enjoyed it, but it didn't work. She kept asking me if I was having a good time and I being nice kept saying yes. She wasn't buying it. Her friends hooted and hollered throughout the event while I just sat there fighting to keep a fake smile on my face all the while giving a golf clap. It was painful.

Needless to say her friends didn't seem to impressed with me considering I didn't share the same enthusiasm for this mullet brand entertainment. They seemed like nice people though.

The end of the show was over and I was dizzy as all hell from the exhaust fumes. I got to take her home which was a long journey since she lived in a different town. We had good conversation though. I was chatting it up waiting at a red light when she all of a sudden gave me a strange look.

"What?" I asked, trying to think of what I just said that would produce such a look.

"That guy on his porch...he's...he's...he's nude!!!"

I looked over at the guy and sure enough he was standing out on his front porch naked with one hand grasping his manhood and the other clasped around a can of cheap beer. I ran the red light with reckless abandon.

We both sat in silence for quite some time. Then I just couldn't help but laugh my ass off. She joined in the laughter. Finally we seemed to be having a good time and all it took was some redneck nudity.

I got her home and walked her up to her place. We stood there chatting in front of the house when I noticed that the same car kept driving back and forth on the street. It was a dead end road so they kept circling at the end, driving back and forth.

I noticed she kept looking at the car out of the corner of her eye and looking nervous each time. I asked her if she knew what that was about. She said it was her ex-boyfriend.

Just when I thought things were taking a turn for the better. She was on the brink of tears talking about how much of a psycho he is and how she's got a court date set for a restraining order. She then apologized over and over again about how she never told me about him, but she was afraid that upon hearing it I wouldn't go out with her.

The car drives by again. I grab her in mid sentence and kiss her. I could hear the car slow down. We then stop, she stares at me with a surprised look, then grabs me and starts kissing me. The car comes to a complete stop.

So here I was making out with this girl on a porch in a strange town where I knew no one with a psycho ex boyfriend who was sitting in a car watching the whole scene. I don't know exactly why I felt the need to kiss her, but I figured if the evening was going to end with me getting into a fight I might as well get a smooch out of it.

We finally stopped making out and said our goodnights. She was really nervous about the inevitable encounter with the psycho and I, but I assured her there was nothing to be concerned about that I had it all under control. I don't think I've told a bigger lie. She started to insist that I come in and wait till he left, but I said no thinking I might as well get this over with.

God I was dumb.

After she went inside I walked down to my car and I noticed not only was he in the car, but two of his friends. Holy shit. I truly believed I was going to get a trip to the hospital that night. All he did though was look at me, give me the finger, and drive off. That's it.

I know it was a pretty anti-climatic story considering the build up to possible violence.

"Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it." - Jerry Seinfeld

These are a few of my favorite things...

Those of you who know me know there is nothing that I enjoy more then hot women and beer. These two elements are the key ingredients for a happy life. To hell with nice cars, expensive electronics, and football. All I really need to keep me smiling is a pint of Guinness and Maxim models.

I believe this is an evolutionary byproduct of the ancients. To prove my thesis archaeologists have found a brewery in Peru that was staffed by women chosen because of beauty and/or nobility. This 1,000 year old site was ran by the Wari empire. This even predates the Inca empire.

These people were truly gifted. Why this isn't happening today I don't know. Upon learning this I imagine PC will dreaming about resurrecting this soon. If he needs an investor I'll be happy to oblige. I can't imagine a better gold mine then giving tours of hotties mixing fine beer. Glorious.

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." - Benjamin Franklin

In ancient Peru, women made the beer

Mad Mormon makes misguided muddle.

People take offense to a lot of things. Nudity offends most prudes. Violence offends most pacifists. Religious intolerance offends most people of a spiritual constitution. I find people who find themselves funny in work meetings offensive.

However unpleasant the current stimuli may be most people wouldn't risk death to avoid it. Sure there have been times when I've thought about stabbing myself in the throat with my keys while sitting through the last 'Matrix' film, but I reasoned against such an action. There was a man who decided not to listen to conventional wisdom and put his life on the line to avoid an inflammatory argument.

Tyler Poulson, a member of the LDS church who recently returned from a mission, was none to happy about the current dialogue being exchanged in a car he was riding in. He protested the foul language being used and said he would step out of the moving vehicle so he wouldn't be within earshot of the vehicles occupants. When dared Tyler opened the door and stepped out ensuring he would never have to hear a naughty word again. Police ruled him dead at the scene.

Moral of the story? Besides "Don't be a friggin idiot" I do believe the "No matter how offensive something may seem, it's easier to deal with then death," would be appropriate.

Yes I imagine he will be up for a Darwin Award.

"We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified." - Graham Chapman

Man Jumped From Truck Following Argument

Weird crushes.

So I have a lot of crushes that most people deem strange. I have a wild infatuation with cute comedians, or women that are funny in general. Hot news anchors/reporters get me going to.

Sarah Silverman and Janeane Garofalo do it for me. Yes you read that right. I said Janeane Garofalo. I don't understand it myself sometimes. Sarah gets jealous when I mention her. Perhaps I need to let Janeane out of my basement sometime before the police start asking questions.

Any hot woman involved in politics has been a fantasy as well. Again the reasoning escapes me so I just go with it. I'll have to accept the fact that most of my tastes, whether they be movies, books, or even women, are usually not grounded in any logic.

Damn I'm a really shallow person.

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person-as the people in this room will attest." - Janeane Garofalo

Video of Melissa Theuriau
Janeane Garofalo
Sarah Silverman

T.O. seeks help from the 'holy'.

Civil rights activist, spiritual leader, NFL adversary, and media whore Jesse Jackson has decided to step in and make his opinion known about the Terrel Owens suspension. Never one to miss an opportunity to grab a headline or truly believe that we give a good shit what he thinks, Jackson met with T.O. and came away believing that the former Eagles wide receiver is deeply sincere about his remorse for his actions and words.

The Reverend also believes the punishment is too severe, which if you read his statement it does sound like he has a point. The statement does refer to the comments made by Owens recently; however he does not address the brawling in the locker room or the fact this is certainly not the first time T.O. has trash talked to the media about the Eagles organization. Nice of you to leave that out Jackson.

Jackson's never been a fan of the NFL. He's been calling for boycotts of the company for years because they don't employ enough black coaches. Lets forget the fact that there are very few black coaches who apply and a business like the NFL would definitely rather discriminate then produce a winning team and make millions. After all large businesses hate making lots of money. I wonder if Jesse thinks football owners sit around a table while the commissioner spews his talking points dressed in a confederate uniform.

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Jesse Jackson

Rev. Jackson calls T.O. punishment 'much too severe'

Here's one for the guys and the non-hetero females.

Although this article left out many good scenes I still think a lot of you will enjoy it. Yes you can thank me later.

"I don't think of them a lesbian supervisors, I think of them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians. A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job: 'Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody!'" - Marga Gomez

Top Ten Lady Lip-Locks

Henry Rollins is back and he's still pissed off.

The pretty girl and I went and saw Henry Rollins spoken word last night and damn was it a good show. He may be getting older, he's 44 now, but his energy and quick wit is still sharp.

I first saw him years ago after being talked into going by a friend of mine. I remember walking out of the show energized. His exuberance on stage rubbed off on us and we all were in awe of the passion he felt toward every detail he spoke about. Granted there are many things he said that I didn't agree with, but I admire his discipline and conviction.

A good time was had by all.

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character." - Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins

Bill O'Reilly welcomes Al Qaeda..

Yes you read that right. On his radio show America's favorite falafel lover critiqued San Francisco voters for voting in a ballot that keeps the military from recruiting in public schools. Fair enough, but he took it a step further stating "If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead."

I think the man is out of his friggin tree.

"Bill Moyers on PBS, he hides behind the label of objectivity. He's about as objective as Mao Tse Tsung, all right. I mean he's a Far-Left bomb-thrower who actually runs a foundation that funds left-wing organizations. I mean the guy's a joke. Get out of the news business, Bill." - Bill O'Reilly

O'Reilly Sounds Off At San Francisco Voters

Road House Part 2. Insert your own joke here....

In keeping with the tradition of 'never take a chance on anything original' philosophy Hollywood is churning out another sequel. This time the mullet classic "Road House" will have a successor.

For those who are not familiar with the original "Road House" let me begin by saying it's the greatest white trash movie ever. The great thespian Patrick Swayze plays a bouncer at a dive bar where he punches burly townsfolk and then waxes philosophic. There's a rich guy who tries to swindle the town's business owners out of cash and Patrick becomes all Robin Hood like. Yes it is as bad as it sounds.

Maybe the success of "Dirty Dancing Havana Nights" gave some producers the idea that this would make money. I'm kind of secretly hoping so, cause maybe we'll see the coming of "Red Dawn 2: The Chinese Boogaloo" or "Ghost: Demi in Hell".

"Calling me sir is like putting an elevator in an outhouse. It don't belong" - Emmett from "Roadhouse".

Road House 2 begins

No swearing for big oil.

As many of you know five of the worlds largest oil companies have appeared before the Senate to explain their record profits in the wake of recent natural disasters and price hikes. While the chilly banter between the soulless companies and the corrupt public servants won't really raise any eyebrows there was one detail that I found rather interesting.

There were Republicans who opposed the swearing in of the oil executives. Apparently some members of the GOP do not want them to be held accountable for their testimony. By swearing in big tobacco lawsuit happy smokers and their families successfully sued major corporations because of the perjury they committed when they announced to Congress that they did not know cigarettes to be addictive.

Now why would Republicans be against the swearing in of oil companies executives? Are they trying to protect them from going to hell? As if they're not going there already. Are there Senators reaping huge payoffs from lobbyists? More then likely.

"Now you have people in Washington who have no interest in the country at all. They're interested in their companies, their corporations grabbing Caspian oil." - Gore Vidal

Oil Executives Face Senate Scrutiny Today

What action hero would you be?

I took one of those 'who would you be' quizzes, cause they can truly identify my personality based on fictional characters. Plus any quiz on the internet must be prophetic for the world wide web would never lie to you. Ever. I will win that IPod if I shoot the duck in a banner ad.

Anyways the quiz has me listed as Maximus from 'Gladiator'. Surprising really since I didn't care for the movie.

Here is what the quiz said about me:

"You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the coliseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. "

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0

Photo lab fun.

I used to work in a photo lab years ago. Every day I would walk in there hoping for a new adventure, or at least something interesting, and I was never disappointed. The lab was located inside a large department store that sold shoddy merchandise.

Every time I tell this to people they reply with the inevitable question of "Did you see a lot of crazy stuff?" I just look at them and know they mean nudity. Yes I saw a lot of naked people at that job. Some of you may think that would be pretty cool, but I swear 99% of the graphic photos I saw are nothing you would want to view. Ever. I've become emotionally scarred by some of it and will never be whole again.

I have to give props to some of the people for inventiveness. A lot of times I'd look at the photos and stare in disbelief given the fact that a million years is not enough time for me to even imagine those acts. I won't go into much detail, because I like the two people that read this blog. Let's just say I've never looked at kitchen utensils the same way again.

Most of the people I saw were either old, fat, skanky or all of the above. Given the high amount of white trash clientele at the store we were at times inundated with such foul images.

My favorite was a guy I call Stockman Dan. Stockman Dan was a pleasant chap who was a great worker. He would stock merchandise and help customers with large items such as TVs. The store didn't have a harder worker; however there was just one flaw. He was mildly mentally off. His reasoning skills desired some. For example in the back of the store there were hooks hanging from the ceiling that dangled overstock of bicycles. Instead of getting on a ladder and placing the bike on the hook Stockman Dan was sometimes caught throwing the bike up in the air and hoping the tire would land on the hook. Usually the end result was the bike falling and Dan catching it...with his eye.

Stockman Dan had other oddities as well. He once thought it would be a great idea to use the store break rooms microwave to dry his socks. The break rooms soda dispenser needed labels for it's variety and Dan stepped up to the plate and fixed the problem. Employees then hit buttons that said 'Mountain Daw' and Cherry Pepis'. Yes Dan was not the brightest of bulbs, but his kindness and work ethic made up for it.

He once made a grievous error. He brought in pictures to the 1 hour photo lab. I was printing the pictures when I came upon Stockman Dan's role of film. I put them into the negative tray and viewed the screen to adjust for color, brightness, etc. When I saw the first image come across the screen my jaw hit the floor and I almost screamed like a little girl.

Stockman Dan and his Quasimodo looking girlfriend decided to get freaky on film. Yes I got to witness Dan doing his best "Silence of the Lambs" impression and his girlfriend posing in various states that would make the Hustler connoisseur blush. It was painful I tell you.

I took the prints to his boss and explained the situation and how that was inappropriate. Upon first glance he dropped them and screamed many profanities. I swear he was holding back tears. He said he would talk to Dan about it.

A few weeks go by and Dan brought in another role. Sure enough the same content was there. This time he was more creative and more sociable. I witnessed what was later dubbed as 'retard orgy'. Many products were used in these poses.

I again spoke with his boss. He screamed again.

Another week goes by and Dan drops off film. The guy didn't learn. When I viewed the image of his girlfriend getting friendly with bathroom accessories I flipped. I ran into the back of the store and started yelling at him. He got scared and climbed up a bunch of boxes and wouldn't come down. The store manager came by and demanded to know what the hell was going on. I showed him the pictures. He jumped in quite the Michael Jordan fashion. Pictures were strewn everywhere and all he could do was stare. I left Dan whimpering like an abused puppy and our boss who was frozen with terror.

Dan never did drop off film again, but the damage to my soul has still yet to be healed.

"Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget." - Sy Parrish from "One Hour Photo"

The most wonderful time of the year.

Yes folks it's my favorite time of year and that is election season. Polls open tomorrow, actually today, although I already did cast my absentee ballot. I do encourage you to vote this year as there are many ballot issues I think are important, especially the medical malpractice bill. I found this website to have excellent information and useful links.

Most people I know don't vote and then ones that do normally don't hit the polls for local issues. I don't look down upon them; however I do wish we all could exercise our civic duties. I know I'm getting on my high horse here, but do ask yourself if you really want the ability to make your little world a better one. Realize that you do have the power to do just that. You can seriously make a difference here and our last gubernatorial election is proof.

A lot of you only concentrate on the Presidential elections, probably because of the high drama surrounding them. Do realize that it is our state and local laws that affect your life as well, sometimes even more so.

Now I don't want want to sound like the artist formerly know as Puff Daddy. You won't die if you don't vote. You can still watch your televisions and listen to bad music and basically go on with your comfortable lives in complete ignorance of our often morally bankrupt politics. Enjoy the bliss.

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." - Ambrose Bierce.

Washington Voter

Interview with a Christian?

Anne Rice, popular novelist of erotic and vampire subjects, has now decided to write for the Lord. Yes she's returned to Roman Catholicism, but has not abandoned her pulp writing. Still going with the heavy victorian style of over describing everything whether it matters to the story or not, she has written a new book about Jesus as a child.

I'm quite surprised at this actually, although Bram Stroker did convert as well. Even more surprising to many is the fact that I've been going to church lately and a bolt of lightning doesn't strike me on my way in.

I never liked her writing nor did I enjoy seeing the goth fad that many jumped on after her books and film adaptations became popular. There was a group of people in Bham who used to go to Western and have vampire role playing games. They would dress in intricate costumes and shout things at each other. It was amusing to say the least. They were adamant that they weren't jumping on the "Interview with a Vampire" bandwagon and swear on their parents' grave that they loved vampires well before the books were published. My ass they did.

Not that it really matters to me when they started enjoying the fad, but I found it funny how much these lovers of all things black would hold on to the idea that they were true individuals even though all their friends were into the same exact things. I kind of wish I would've dressed up like them and hung with them for a while and then finally admit that I'm a huge fan of monster truck shows and I often enjoy needlepoint crafts.

"When other little girls wanted to be ballet dancers I kind of wanted to be a vampire." - Angelina Jolie

Anne Rice turns to Jesus

Miserable corp speak.

Anyone who's ever worked in a lower middle class job has been subjected to corporate philosophy books such as "Who Moved My Cheese" and "The Oz Principle." If you haven't read these books I highly recommend them. That is only read them if you're contemplating suicide and need something to remind yourself that humanity is doomed and only a .45 caliber bullet through the mouth will help. Viewing such material will definitely put you over the edge.

I really want to find the pig fucker who coined the phrase 'action item.' I would subject him to years of listening to music by "The Fine Young Cannibals." Instead of using logical terminology, like projects for all of us cubicle dwellers, we now have to use terms that make no sense to anyone in any other industry.

Then again maybe the mob uses such speak.

"Hey Guido. I have an action item for ya. You'll be point of contact on this hit. Now remember going forward you'll need to be results oriented. You'll have 4 guys to make the crew so you should have the bandwidth to add value to taking this guy out. Touch base with me after you're done. This is your fourth deliverable so I'm expecting you to be proactive."

God it makes my head hurt to think about it. Linguistics in corporate America has de-evolved (if that's even a word.) Pretty soon we'll be communicating in nonsensical grunts. Actually that would be an improvement.

"Death is a displaced name for a linguistic predicament." - Paul de Man

Adventures of Action Item

Straight out of the 'It's About Fucking Time' department.

Working as efficiently as ever the Pentagon has decided to make roadside explosives in Iraq a priority. I guess it takes around 2,000 dead soldiers before our nations top brass decide to investigate it.

Next in the news, FEMA decides that hurricanes can be dangerous, FDA advises against drinking yak urine.

"What the Bush administration is primarily interested in is regime change in the United States, not regime change in Iraq or South East Asia or the Balkans. A foreign war is a wonderful lollipop to stuff in the mouth of a possibly quarrelsome press." - Lewis H Lapham

Roadside bombs get Pentagon's attention

Dick is very sensitive.

My least favorite political analyst Dick Morris is rather touchy about his past. Instead of taking the Jerry Springer 'who cares' approach, Morris seems to be rather perturbed by anyone bringing up the fact he wrote a bad check to a hooker. In a recent interview with Thom Hartmann Dick gets real pissed and ends the interview prematurely.

Crooks and Liars has the audio for you to enjoy.

"The Democrats don't have much chance anyway in 2004. Now would be the perfect time for Sharpton to show how badly they need him. Once Al runs as an independent, he'll never have to do it again. He can name his price for not jumping ship a second time and not torpedoing Democratic chances of victory." - Dick Morris

How's that Hooker Dick Morris?

Good Night and Good Luck

The pretty girl took me to see "Good Night and Good Luck" last night. It was a good movie; however dull in some parts. There's really not a sense of urgency in the script, nor did I get the sense that Murrow or CBS News were in any real danger by taking on McCarthy. After a while it became a preachy fest of "you all suck for watching bad television." I thought that was kind of cool really, but I know most of the audience will shrug their shoulders and continue to watch Survivor, Full House, etc.

Most of the characters were not that developed and became uninteresting as all hell, but the rest of the details were so well done I would recommend it. I kind of wish I knew nothing about the McCarthy hearings before hand so there would actually be some dramatic tension.

Given the movie's faults it's receiving very high critical praise. After viewing it I believe it's one of those that gets awarded for subject matter and not for content, at least in screenwriting. Like I said before there are many other elements that are great which made it worth my time.

"McCarthyism is Americanism with its sleeves rolled." - Joseph R. McCarthy

Yahoo Sports photo editor.

I love it when news organizations show a complete disconnect with simple linguistics or are completley out of touch with youth trends. Click here to see what Yahoo Sports made my favorite news pic of the week.

Florida fans show support

Silly rabbit Myspace is for kids.

A mother was flabbergasted to find that her kid is finding, get this, graphic content on Myspace.com. Who would've thought that people didn't go to that site just to chat friendly with people?

I have a Myspace account, although I rarely use it. I have only four friends on it which in most circles makes me a grade A loser. It's kind of cool to keep up with my buddies' blogs and go to their sites and be inundated with bad music.

Just the concept of the website makes it really open to people sport fucking strangers. No girl has ever tried to contact me though. Boy this is depressing really. I get no love even with the anonymity that is the world wide web.

I'm so glad I don't have children. Keeping up with the kinkiness of the online world can take a lot of time. Plus you'd have to view strange images and videos involving pole dancing, sex, mustard fetishes, etc.

"Before I had kids I went home after work to rest. Now I go to work to rest." - Simon Ruddell

Website raises eyebrows among parents

Chris Matthews trying to race bait?

Most of my friends, at least the ones who are into politics, watch and respect Chris Matthew's Hardball above and beyond all other talking head shows. I enjoy his show as well. He does focus on the truly important national issues and he has the best guests of any show that I've seen. He does sometimes pull the O'Reilly tactic of cutting someone off when he doesn't like what he's hearing and occasionally using his boisterous voice to intimidate, but it's something I overlook.

He recently stepped over the line in my most humble opinion. He is now outraged over a memo released by unnamed democrats who call Alito's prosecution record not as impressive as the President may have you believe. In the memo the democrats list a mafia case which Alito lost and 20 gangsters were acquitted. Our Hardball host somehow believes that the democrats are calling Alito's heritage into question instead of simply showing that his record is faulty. Matthews displayed this to Orin Hatch, of all people, to which Orin replied with the usual banter of 'this is normal for those despicable dems.'

When called on it Howard Dean laughed it off, but Matthews stuck to his guns claiming most people feel the same way he does. This is where he is wrong. The memo makes no mention of Alito's ethnicity nor does it imply it. If it does then call my comprehension level into question. I'm not a particularly bright guy, but I cannot see how Matthews has come to this conclusion. Maybe he's wanting to gather ratings, but this I find asanine. This is Rev Al Sharpton tactics Chris.

I wonder if Matthews is now a republican.

"I think this country needs a higher crank-up of democracy now. Louder, more boisterous democracy would be better for us right now." - Chris Matthews

Crooks and Liars has an interesting take on the incident as well as the video of Chris' comments here.