May 10, 2006

I'm in the wrong business.

I could never be a cop given the fact that I have little patience for the stupid things people do to themselves and to their loved ones. After constant calls on domestic violence I know I'd snap and create a huge lawsuit for the city I'd work for.

Then there are headlines that make me rethink my current career choice.

A vice cop in my beloved Seattle went undercover to sting a local strip club. Having solved all other crime in the area the Snohomish police department feels it needs to enforce the 4 foot dance rule that recently passed. The office entered Honeys, an establishment that I may or may not be familiar with, and got a lap dance from a girl named Charity. The office allowed her to feel him up for the full five minute song. Charity claims he had a "physical reaction" and received a "happy ending" when the dance was over. After the encounter took place the deputy arrested the exotic dancer. She is now fighting the charge.

What's funny about this is that if Charity gave the dance for free there would be no crime.

Speaking of the fine art of exotic dance Kevin Smith, director of Clerks and Chasing Amy, wrote in his Boring Ass Life blog about the "Perils of Strip Clubs." Reading it made my jaw drop as the story he related actually happened to me, although details were different.

The last time I was in a strip club, which was well over a year ago, a pretty stripper came and sat on my lap. After asking my name she said "I used to date a guy who looks just like you."

I of course thanked her for the compliment; however after hearing this line so many times I made it clear that I didn't believe a hot goddess such as herself would ever be seen with the likes of me if I wasn't going to spend twenty bucks on them. She of course denied that she was making that up and swore that I did indeed look like a guy she used to get naked for for free. I smiled given the image was nice.

I wasn't really interested in getting a lap dance at the time, but she was hot and I wanted to keep her on my lap for as long as possible. Horny me decided to keep the conversation going. We started chatting and I asked her to people watch with me knowing that's an activity most girls I know really enjoy. We saw a table filled with a bunch of Asian guys who fit every stereotype you can think of. We commented on an old fat guy who was getting rubbed by a young looking, pig-tailed sporting gal in a school girl outfit. After observing the various types that come into such places I asked her what it was like doing the work she does.

She said she likes the money and the fact she gets to work when she wants, but she did hate the fact that a lot of her work meant getting turned down a lot when hustling lap dances. She also started talking about the things guys try to do to her.

"What do they try and do?" I asked. I assumed she was going to talk about guys trying to lick her and stuff like that.

"Some guys try to pull my hands in their pants, but there are those who try and put their fingers in my ass," she replied.

"What? Finger in the ass?"

"Yeah. I let guys feel my ass, but there are those who try and slip their thumb in."

"Holy shit," I said. I was truly shocked. I couldn't imagine even wanting to do that. I've had a few lap dances in my day and I never, ever, thought of doing something like that to a girl. I have no idea why someone would want to.

I was so taken aback by this that instantly my protective side started to show. I felt sorry for the girl seeing her defenseless as some horses ass tries to stick things in her nether region. So when she asked me if I wanted a dance I couldn't turn her down.

The dance was over and we parted ways, but I still thought of that girl and the abuse she must take doing work like this. I contemplated why I felt so sorry for her given the fact that no one is forcing these women to do this job. Honestly if someone tried to do that to me at my job I'd either quit or get arrested for aggravated assault.

I told this story to a friend of mine months later. He rolled his eyes and said "Yeah a few of them have told me the same thing. She probably saw you as a sweetie and gave you that line which you bought hook line and sinker. Sucker."

Yes much like Kevin Smith I was fooled into a lap dance as I forgot a cardinal rule when going into a strip club: Remember these girls are salespeople first and will tell you anything to get you to buy the product.

"No matter what a stripper tells you, there is no sex in the champagne room" - Chris Rock

On the Perils of Strip Clubs
Stripper says vice sting went too far


Caliban1227 said...

You forgot rule 3 of going to a strip club "Remember that you are entering a land of make believe, nothing you hear or see is real."

Of course at that time I don't think I had told you the 4 rules.

Wiwille said...

caliban1227 - Those four rules would've come in handy at that time, and many others.

Mattbear said...

As god (or whomever) as my witness, included with my son's 18th birthday gift will be a printed copy of the Four Rules. I shall not send the boy into the world unarmed.