Tis the season

The staff at One Bad Apple will be on vacation for ten days as your author will be getting hitched. Yes the hurricane soaked tropical paradise is in order and hearts will break all over the Republic of Texas as my fiance will be officially off the market.

Yes boys you're too late.

So for ten days you shall not be highly entertained with stories of a northwesterner experiencing southern/Texan culture nor will you be provided with bad music.

Goodbye to all in the blogsphere, but fear not, for I shall return.

"I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well." - Oliver Goldsmith

They may take our lives......

We were standing outside a club called Baby Dolls, smoking cigars, and talking about the previous events in the night. Seemed a little funny that I was about to venture into a place that has the namesake of my pet name for Kelly, but what the hell? The last place we went was unappealing so a new venue was in order. We then see a bouncer in a tuxedo escort a drunk gent in a physical and verbal manner that displayed to all that he'd rather just curb stomp the alcoholic then ever have to deal with him again.

This was my kind of place.

We stroll on in and found ourselves happy about the quality of the employees. It's been years since I've last been in an establishment of that nature, but I was familiar with the activities that frequent there. The stage was large and accompanied by three other platforms if you will. There was the Lone Star in all it's glory at the center of the stage to remind patrons that weren't looking at boobs exactly what state they're in.

Now dear readers I'd like to talk to you about awkwardness. I've had my moments of running in to an ex-girlfriend with another girl in arm, or a boy in hers, but nothing to the point of having a lap dance with your future father in-law sitting next to you. This man is larger than I, believes seat belt laws are a violation of his Constitutional rights (no joke), and has lots of firearms.

The girls at this place were very attractive as you would expect. One came and sat on my lap and introduced herself and asked where I was from. The girl seemed very interested in conversation that didn't involve sex or raising children so we talked about her husband's line of work and what it's like being a Hungarian immigrant in Dallas.

The selection of females was diverse in their ethnic background as they were in cup size. I talked to a girl from Honduras, Greece, and a couple that were Dallas natives. The last one was quite possibly the most interesting girl as she asked if my fiance was a slut and then rambled on about the things I should tell her to do for me before breakfast. I reminded her that again my future father-in-law is present and I'm to play nice. She was, as one of us in attendance put it, a naughty girl.

Which brings me to another girl, skinny in stature and spacey in gaze. She told me I was allowed to touch her, to which I declined. She then asked if she could call my fiance to tell her how much of a nice guy I am. I assumed, correctly I might add, that she would not appreciate corresponding with an exotic dancer.

This conversation actually happened:

Him: I was engaged to a stripper and didn't know it.
Me: .....uh...How did you not know she was a stripper?
Him: (shakes head).....

This all took place after dinner at a BBQ joint that had skinny women wear little more than their exotic dancing counterparts, multiple conversations about firearms, getting lost, and Whirlyball. We still had to meet up with the girls and compare who was the more drunk.

Now that was a bachelor party to remember.

"The way I see it, all the popular singers are strippers." - Juliana Hatfield

Wiwille celebrates

My future brother in-law has graciously organized a bachelor party for your author tonight. This evening I will partake in eating BBQ, playing Whirlyball, drink more than is safe or reasonable, and participate in the rite of passage that men do before their nuptials.

Contrary to popular belief I will be on my best behavior. My fiance's brother, father, and step-dad will be in attendance so all eyes will be on me. Even if they weren't present I promised my gal my halo would not slip and she trusts me to make appropriate choices even in clubs where girls wear very little, if anything.

So today I'll post (i.e. rip off) my friend's rules for patronage of the sort of club where you often hear the songs "Cherry Pie" and "Crazy Bitch". I believe every bachelor should read this and have a comprehension test on the material:

The 4 rules for visiting a strip club

The important thing to remember is that the best analogy for going to a strip club is going to Disneyland. The same basic rules apply. (Just don't try to get a lap dance from Goofy)

Rule 1: Go with Friends.

Let's face it, going by yourself is pretty sad.

Rule 2: Bring Money.

Really, otherwise why are you there. But set your budget. Draw all the money you need before setting foot in the club, and leave all ATM and credit cards at home.

Rule 3: Remember you are entering a land of Make Believe.

When you go to Disneyland, you have to face the fact that the Matterhorn is not a real mountain. In the Club most things you see are just as fake.

Her name isn't really Jasmine.
She isn't putting herself through Law School.
She isn't that in to you.

Rule 4: Keep your hands and feet inside the ride vehicle unless otherwise instructed by the ride operator.

Keep your hands where everyone can see them. Look, don't touch. However if she clearly indicates that some relaxing of this rule is allowed, use your best judgment (and be aware of where the bouncer is looking.) Editor's note: My hands will be inside the vehicle so help me.

Keeping these simple rules in mind will lead to a fun and fulfilling strip club experience.

Thank you for your time.

Tip your waitress

All of these rules will apply. Wish me luck!

"A bachelor's life is a fine breakfast, a flat lunch, and a miserable dinner." - Francis Bacon

Thursday Music

Given the over saturation of music in our lives most people associate a song with an event or emotion. We all do this, even if it's a commercial jingle, television theme, or a part of a film soundtrack. Why we as humans do this is something I've yet to understand, but don't really care to.

When I was a wedding photographer I saw scores of first dances and people serenading the couple with their favorite song. Usually it was some top ten hit that was popular for about six months then years later everyone forgot about. What seemed like an exclusive memorable tune for the couple was over saturation to anyone who worked in the industry.

The songs were always the same. They were simple pop or country ballads that weren't steeped in allegory. The lyrics were direct, the orchestration sophomoric, and the beat was slow. Still it worked for the couples and they probably cherish that moment they heard 'our song' at their wedding.

Now I'm one of those couples. Yes we have a song. Amazing how time changes someone. As sappy as it may be, and as much as I loathe the genre that is modern country, it does speak volumes about how I feel about the woman I'm happily going to spend the rest of my days with. I hope to dance to this with her when I'm 80.

"I think it took me a while to convince Nashville that what I do is genuine and my heart's in the right place, and I love country music." - Keith Urban

A week...

In a week's time I'll be on a plane, ready to tie the knot in a beach ceremony. This week has been all kinds of busy for my fiance as she's packing, planning, and running all kinds of ragged making sure we everything in order for our trip. Today coworkers are throwing us a shower and Friday some festivities will occur.

So today at a meeting the following conversation took place.

Her: You ready to get married?
Me: I sure am.
Her: They say people change when they get married. I never did.
Another girl: I didn't either, except I got annoyed with him.
Me: That's reassuring.
Him: Just make sure you buy all your toys before you get married.

Everyone has been asking all sorts of questions wondering if I'm nervous or anything. I am a bit concerned about the wedding. It is Kelly's day after all and I want everything to go smoothly. Thankfully we'll be avoiding hurricane Diane, so severe weather shouldn't be a problem. It's a small affair and I'm just excited it's happening at all. I only want to do this once so I want it done right.

"I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well." - Oliver Goldsmith

I'm alive

Saturday I went skeet shooting with my future brother in-law and his friends. We pull in to an outdoor range and find ourselves warmly greeted by those in attendance. It was nice to see people bond over firearms. I am in Texas mind you.

I enter the store where people sign up for range use. I saw a couple of flyers on the display cases that raised a brow. One was a fundraiser for a Christian Academy. Apparently shooting guns for the Lord is the equivalent of tithing, which is kind of awesome.

Still there was another flyer that displayed a girl dressed in skimpy cowgirl garb holding a shotgun with a leg high in the air. Apparently it was an advertisement for a dance studio that also held shotgun classes. I know you think I'm lying, but I swear to all that is holy that I saw it with my own eyes.

Russ, his friend Jason, and I head to a range to get our shooting on. I for one loved it. The smell of gunpowder, the joy of seeing a clay pigeon break apart, and the technical aspects of the sport all made for an enjoyable experience. I wasn't very good, but did ok for someone unfamiliar. I could spend a lot of hours and money doing this hobby.

Afterwards the rest of the group all met up at a brewery and enjoyed pints and food. One gentleman there talked about his love for the AR15 rifle. He was so overjoyed he operates AR15.com, a website dedicated to the assault weapon. He told stories of having parties at his home where folks would bring their guns and hoot it up. Amazingly no one has been injured.

I'm serious. People here throw gun parties. This is the first, nor I doubt the last, time I've ever heard of such a thing outside of a gangster film.

Later that evening I went to a gathering for Kelly's family. The men went into a gun safe and admired numerous shotguns. Damn it I love Texas!

"Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy." - Truman Capote

Office relations

Yesterday I decided to partake in a quarterly catered lunch here at work. The food was ok at best as they served BBQ cuisine in a buffet style. It was edible and free, so I couldn't complain.

I was sitting in my cubicle typing away when I felt my intestines rumble. Gas was building in my stomach and I knew I was about to be as deadly as a nuclear weapon. Instead of exposing the dear souls sitting around me to my noxious ass I made a break for the bathroom.

I walked briskly, but each step made my stomach curdle more and the buildup to disaster even worse. I clenched it in and walked in a manner that made me look like I was disabled. I finally made it to the bathroom door and as I placed my hand on the knob I couldn't hold it anymore. The sound of the release resembled a foghorn and may have lasted as long.

No one was around to hear it, or so I thought. I hear a bunch of giggles from behind me and find three girls eyeballing me and taking much amusement in my fartiness. I excused myself and walked into the bathroom. I had nothing else left in me.

Keeping the office amused, it's what I do.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Shotgun blasts are heard...

Today I was invited to skeet shoot this weekend, a sport made popular by I don't know who. Anyways for those unfamiliar, or live outside of the US, you take a shotgun and shoot at clay pigeons being tossed in the air by a mechanical arm.

Did I mention I was invited by my fiance's brother? Yes a member of the family I'm about to marry into decided we should spend quality time with firearms. Now I'm moderately familiar with gun safety and find target shooting to be a fun activity, and much more complicated than the uninformed would believe, but I'm a bit nervous around them. Sure they're dangerous and should be treated with respect, but accidents do happen.

Now Texas is known the country over for it's citizens being participants in gun ownership. No they're not just a bunch of rednecks with large trucks. They're professionals of every caliber ranging liberal intellects who masturbate to NPR to libertarians who cry every time they're reminded that lawn darts are illegal. The 2nd amendment is constantly on the minds of many as every bar I've ever been to posts signs reminding their patrons that it's against the law to carry firearms on the premises. You mean alcohol and guns don't mix?

If you don't see any more posts after Saturday you'll know what happened.

"Except for the occasional heart attack, I never felt better." - Dick Cheney

Stereotypes

I love it when stereotypes work out. Granted I'm supposed to believe that it's the language of hate, but still I find them hilarious. I'm not sure why I find things that aren't politically correct to be an endless source of humor, but I do and I make no apologies for it.

My friends in the Northwest ask me about Texas and if it does fit their preconceived notions. Listed below are but a few myths and legends that may or may not be accurate.

1. Cowboy attire - While in some events you do see folk dressed as cattlemen, but for the most part you see that more in rural Washington state. It's not something many urban Texans do.

2. Churches - This is one stereotype I can confirm is true. There are numerous small churches everywhere of every denomination of Christianity. Couple that with other faiths, such as Jewish and Muslim, and Dallas is a hot bed of the faith industry. Near my home we have one church that's so huge we call it 'Six Flags Over Jesus'. There are also many radio stations dedicated to Christianity. This is strange to me as the Northwest has such a low church going population.

3. Confederate culture - Again this is something you normally see in any rural area no matter where in the country you go. Dallas doesn't have the kitch stores like Nashville dedicated to the rebellion, but sometimes in the rural areas you see some mindless douche waving the flag on a pickup or on a t-shirt that's been worn since 1987.

4. Country music - As you would imagine the genre of music that does nothing more than place soft rock with a twang is big down here. Yes it drives me crazy.

5. Big trucks - You don't see that much in Dallas proper. Actually it's no more common here than it is anywhere else.

"All stereotypes turn out to be true. This is a horrifying thing about life. All those things you fought against as a youth: you begin to realize they're stereotypes because they're true." - David Cronenberg

Monday Music

Yesterday I went to Game Stop to pick up a gift certificate for a friend of mine, but of course I walked out with something. My fiance is a fan of The Beattles, so I purchased the Rockband game with their namesake. We got home and plopped in the disc and to my surprise it was a lot of fun. While I'm only a fan of the band after they discovered drugs I still enjoyed playing along with their classics.

After playing a bit we started in with Rockband 2. Since her family and friends really enjoy the game we browsed the marketplace to find some hits. Some were silly, like Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing' and Billy Idol's 'Rebel Yell', I had to add some favorites of mine. I downloaded The Cult and The Pixies, but to my wondering eyes did appear one we absolutely had to have. It was Eric Cartman singing Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face'.

So today I bring you the infamous South Park character singing pop tunes:



"Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd." - Trey Parker

Wiwille is a traitor.

I have betrayed my brethren last night in ways unthinkable. For years I've taken a stand that I would never subject myself to various substances that were unworthy of consumption. I arrogantly looked down upon others that do, raising an eyebrow with a combination of curiosity and disgust at how a person could put that stuff in their body. Last night though I did what I never thought I would ever do, I drank light beer.

Me - You ever here the light beer joke?
Her - No.
Me - Drinking light beer is like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking near water.

I couldn't believe she hadn't heard that.

I was handed a Bud Light and took it in stride. I opened the can and raised it to my lips. It was as awful as I remember it. It's like really flat diet soda with less flavor and harnesses the ability to deplete my testosterone levels to the point where I could turn into Richard Simmons. I couldn't believe I was continuing to drink it, but I was well lit already and didn't want to appear rude by turning it down.

My Seattle friends will now disown me. I don't blame them.

"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot." -Capital Brewery

Thursday Music

As it may come as a shock to no one my music tastes differ greatly from that of my fiance. Yes it's true you'll not find her listening to old Metallica, Beethoven, or the classic works of Depeche Mode. My aesthetic sensibilities vary, so it's a chore to ask that someone is like minded in that regard and quite frankly I wouldn't think of doing so. It's more interesting to be with someone who has different interests than my own.

Of course a lot of the music she listens has little to no interest to me. Some though is absolutely fascinating. Take for instance one of her current favorite songs, Katy Perry's "California Gurls".

I first heard this song in the car on my own and immediately changed the station. It just sounded as stupid as the misspelling in the title. Yet upon another listening of the hit single I'm dumbfounded at what exactly she's trying to say, if anything. Take for instance the line about girls skin melting popsicles. Are west coast girls radioactive? Is wearing a bikini top really the proper way to represent the west coast? What exactly is in the water that makes these girls who they are? Is the Governator using mind control drugs with the drinking supply? Isn't Snoop Dog like 60?

She may just be the prophet of our time and we're all ignoring her wisdom because her music is a bag of ass. Oh and she's hot...so hot. Just look at her! Mmmmm....

So today I bring you the prophetic visions of today's Oracle at Delphi:



"It was just like one of those days, ‘Guess what, mom? I kissed a girl!’ ‘Guess what, mom? I’m going to be naked in a music video!" - Katy Perry

Honor

Some people don't really understand my loathing for Sarah Palin. Some think I have some secret anti-female bias, others believe that I hold some deep seeded Seattle liberal values. I can assure you that neither are the case.

It's not her values or her rhetoric that I hate so much, it's how she's poorly represented her state and the Republican party. She couldn't handle the pressure of being Governor, so she resigned claiming she wanted to spend more time with her family. How traveling about the country and giving speeches for a few thousand a pop and going on a book tour can equate to quality time with your loved ones is anyone's guess.

She's also dumb. Really really dumb. If the video below doesn't prove this to you I don't know what will. Enjoy her smug attempt to engage in debate with one of her former supporters:



"Protection and liberty belong only to the nations who serve the Lord God Almighty the creator of the Universe. Every nation that forgets God has and always will go into captivity. You want proof America of this, go ahead and watch what is about to happen to your liberty, now that you have cast out God's things and embraced the things of His enemies, who come to kill, steal and destroy." - Sarah Palin

More crazy people....

On Friday I was tasked with stopping by the vet clinic to pick up some food and medicine for our doggies. There was construction all along the street and they made the driveway so narrow only one car could fit through. I was awaiting a car to exit the vet, but they were turning left on a busy street. Rather than sit there for five minutes I pulled into another driveway which led to a day care. I figured on only being in the clinic for a short spell, so I parked my car and walked in and got my things.

I walk to my car with dog food and other items in hand and I see a woman standing near my car. She asks me who I am. I told her I was no one special and opened my car and placed the things on the passenger seat.

The woman told me I was not allowed to park there. I apologized and explained the situation and that I would be on my way. The conversation descended into madness after that.

Her: I called a tow truck.
Me: Ok. Well I'm out of here anyways so I'd call them and cancel.
Her: You can't leave.
Me: Uhh...yes I can.
Her: No you can't. I called a tow truck.
Me: Mam, I'm not sitting here waiting for a tow truck to take my car. I'm sorry, but I'm leaving.
Her: No you can't.
Me: Oh yeah? Watch me.

I enter my car and start it up. She stands in front of it trying to block me from leaving. I back out and shake my head as she's yelling something incomprehensible.

This crazy woman watches children for a living. Think about that.

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" - Albert Einstein

Game night!

Now that I am part of a couple I get to hang around other people who are in relationships as well. While many of them have families it's difficult to get them out to my favorite bar, so we all compromise on fun and have what we call 'game night'.

After the kiddies are all sunggled in their beds the adults break out the booze and games ready to challenge each other in buzzed delight. Fun times are had as we put aside our responsibilities and let loose. Listed below are but some of the past times we engage in:

1. Cranium - A very creative game filled with trivia, pictionary, charades, and the like. It's fun as it is diverse in play.

2. The Newlywed Game - Modled after the game show of the same name it's a great way to get to know people as well as your own significant other. In some aspects you find out information you wish you hadn't known, but it's all in good fun. Warning: DO NOT play with your parents.

3. Apples to Apples - Always a big hit, this game never dissapoints.

4. The Game of Things - While a little obscure this game if full of laughs especially if you decide to play with creative and funny folk. The play is simple. They give you a scenario, such as 'Things you should never say to your in-laws'. Everyone writes down a response and it's up to players to guess who said who. Strategy is key in winning this game as well as the ability to read people. In one session the term 'Erik's balls' kept coming up over and over again

5. Rockband - It's sometimes difficult to get a group of adults to get together to play video games, but this is something everyone likes to play. Everyone likes music so it's and the game is simple, which helps.

While these are all fun sometimes I miss the games of my youth. It would be difficult to grab adult interests in these games, but some of them were loads of fun.

1. Electronic Battleship - If you don't love this game you're a facist who eats grapefruit.

2. Run Yourself Ragged - This was quite possibly the hardest board game ever. I don't think I ever got the marble to the end before the clock ran out. This game went by many names, but I believe Run Yourself Ragged was the first.



3. Monopoly - My parents bought me a Star Wars Monopoly board. It was a huge hit amongst my friends and we spent hours playing it well into my twenties.

4. Chess - I miss drunken chess. I was only fair at this game at best. The last time I played I lost to Corey. My fiance is none too happy that I own this board. I still want to try Chess Boxing.

5. Trivial Pursuit - I don't find many folks in Texas that enjoy the classic trivia game. I have many editions such as the classic, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and a version for the Xbox 360. Yes I'm a dork.

6. Memory (Concentration) - My father was always pissed off that my sister and I would always beat him.

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible." - Dave Barry

Thursday Music

My grandfather was a hobo. As a teenager he decided to hop a train and live the life of a bum. He never could explain what exactly was running through his head when he decided to live the life of a homeless one, but he had interesting stories about the lifestyle. He indicated that there were some things he wouldn't discuss which was just as well. I was probably better off not knowing and let him take some of those tales to his grave.

The old time hobo is often romanticized in pop culture, but I imagine it's a life few of us would live. Without the conveniences of modern dwellings we'd go insane just attempting to light a fire on a daily basis or living off the greens of the land.

So in honor of my grandfather's lifestyle choice I bring you a song that detailed the dreams of many a hobo:



"I have sung in hobo jungles, and I have sung for the Rockefellers, and I am proud that I have never refused to sing for anybody." - Pete Seeger

Can we fix it?

Yesterday was a soaring 104 degrees (not sure what that is in Canadian). People were melting and orphans were grilling roadkill on the sidewalks. Yes it was a scorcher, but I had errands to run and run them I did.

On my way about town I drove past our house that is under construction. I saw a bunch of employees toil away as they were working on our foundation. Covered from head to toe to avoid a sunburn I imagine they smelt like feet wrapped in bacon.

I pity those men. They have to lug heavy items in weather unfit for man or beast. They work hard every day and break their backs to build homes and risk life and limb. I wanted to buy them water, beer, or a bag of ice to cool their sun soaked skin, but I imagine they're probably prepared for such heat. They're of a different yolk. If the average office worker tried to do what they do for one day they'd pass out from heat stroke, exhaustion, or from being a total wuss. Yes I would too.

So here's to you construction workers of the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I toast you from my climate controlled cubicle, for you are much more of a man than I'll ever be.

"If a building looks better under construction than it does when finished, then it's a failure." - Doug Coupland

Wiwille hates himself

Former nude model and high school dropout Levi Johnston and his abstinence poster child fiance Bristol Palin seem to be on the outs. Shortly after they announced to the world via an entertainment rag of their upcoming nuptials it's been reported that they are no longer an item. You will always remember this day as it is the one when romance died.

Why do I know this? Why do I care? They're teenagers with nary an education and have no consequence on my life. Bristol's mother holds no elected office, but still I'm strangely fascinated by the personal politics of rural Alaskans. I normally thumb my nose at those who follow celebrity culture, but here I am reading Levi's sister's blog and hating myself the whole time.

The on again, off again drama of the snowbillies should not be public fodder, nor should I eat it up. I know better. There's no good reason to follow this news, but I do. I guess politics is just like entertainment, they're both steeped in useless drama.

Editor's note: If anything on Mercede Johnston's blog is true, and I'm willing to bet it is, the Palin's are an vindictive, spoiled lot.

"I'm pro-life. I'll do all I can to see every baby is created with a future and potential. The legislature should do all it can to protect human life." - Sarah Palin

Weird dreams with Wiwille

Last night I had a nightmare to end all. I was talking with an old friend from childhood, Mary, who asked about some DVDs. She said she wanted them, because an ex-girlfriend sent her to retrieve them for reasons unclear to me. I argued with her about the movies, wondering why an ex would even want them, but she insisted it was important. She ended up stealing them and running away.

I was then lying in my old bunk bed in my old family home. I hear my dad rummaging through some stuff and then he starts yelling.

"GODAMN IT. SON OF A BITCH."

He then leapt onto my bed with an old ripped t-shirt on and had the wild look of an angry wolf. He got in the mounted position and had his fist up ready to reign his clenched hands down on me. He kept looking at me with a fierce gaze of someone who snorted a lot of cocaine. I kept trying to talk him down, but he kept his arm up ready to throw down.

Kelly then woke me up. She said I was mumbling gibberish in my sleep. I thanked her, for that was quite possibly the freakiest dream I've ever had.

As most sons I feared my father when I was a young lad. He was at one time the most powerful man on the planet to my wee eyes. With age that depiction changed, but his presence, which once seemed awesome, never has truly diminished.

"Children wish fathers looked but with their eyes; fathers that children with their judgment looked; and either may be wrong." - William Shakespeare