Memorial Day

Americans remember and give thanks to fallen soldiers in many number of ways, if at all, on this day, and many choose a war to recall as their focus. Many think of those who lost their lives in our current struggles in Asia, or many others recall the soldiers who paid the ultimate price for their service in WWII. Some tend to recall all the wars, from the Revolution to Iraq part 2: Electric Boogaloo, but there is really no wrong way to respectfully memorialize the honored dead.

Cable stations are playing numerous films designed to honor soldiers or accurately dramatize a period in history of where men and women fought a foreign enemy. There are many good ones for sure, but my favorite film for this holiday is "Gettysburg".

This may come as no shock to you, as I'm a little bit of a Civil War buff, but outside of Ken Burn's Civil War documentary series, and maybe "Glory", there hasn't been any better film about the conflict. Wonderfully acted, especially the amazing performance by Jeff Daniels, it really gives an authentic look to the bloodiest battle on American soil. Tense and accurate in it's portrayal, it is a real treat for those who give any amount of study to the war, and it may teach as well as entertain those who haven't.

"Gettysburg succeeds as a motion picture event, and as a re-creation of a pivotal chapter of American history." - Daniel M Kimmel

Set your DVRs to kill

Reality television is an easy target as most of it is boneheaded nonsense that feeds America's inane obsession with attention whoring. It's come a long way from the days of "The Real World" to the infamous "Jersey Shore". Still it's easy to make fun of as it steeps low into the vacuous suckage scale of stupidity. Every year though, when you think it can't out dumb itself, it happens, and today that very thing just happened.

Abstinence poster child Bristol Palin has sent a press release about her new reality series on Lifetime, which displays her trials and tribulations of growing as a person while being a single mother, as is her birthright. Oh and it's called Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp, because get it? Her son's name is Tripp, and life is like ingesting a bunch of hallucinogens and believing you're God. This of course constituted a press release, because everyone is wildly anticipating this, as is evident because this landed on the Lifetime network, the channel that no one can stop watching.

Just when you thought you've heard the last of the Palins, but like a case of herpes they spread in the most unlikely of time and places. It's time for America to say no more to Adam Sandler comedies and the Palins. We've had enough and we don't need, nor want, anymore.

"But I’m not a pundit. I’m just a mom made famous in one of the most intense and embarrassing ways possible – by having your teen pregnancy announced in the middle of a presidential campaign. Oh, and I was a finalist on Dancing with the Stars, one of the most-watched shows on TV. But all that means I’m more a part of pop culture, the culture that creates the television we watch and the music we listen to. When real pundits write blog posts, they don’t pop up in Us Weekly… but mine do." - Bristol Palin

Can't get enough

My father has had hearing loss for many years, and it's gotten to the point that he can't watch television without subtitles. It's annoying to repeat everything a waiter or someone else says repeatedly as he refuses to get a hearing aid. Still moments of comedy does ensue because of it. I pretty much get to say whatever I want and my dad will only respond with "huh?"

One day on the television the song "Land of a Thousand Dances" came on, and the lyric "do the mashed potato" came on, and dad came rushing into the room screaming "Who the hell is singing a song about masturbation?"

One day when I was a kid watching Saturday Morning Cartoons the inevitable cereal commercial came on, the first of which was a bear advertising the goodness of Super Golden Crisp. He sang his usual jingle, "I can't get enough of Super Golden Crisp, its got the crunch with punch."


Dad came running into the living room demanding what it was the bear was singing about. I repeated the lyrics, and then inquired as to what it was he thought he heard. He wouldn't say and until this day I have no earthly idea, but today I shall speculate. Here's what I thought he heard:

• I can't get enough of those sugar tits, its got the crunch with punch.
• I can't get enough of your big fat tits, its got the  crunch with punch.
• I can't get enough of your perky tits, its got the crunch with punch.
• I can't get enough of Super Golden Crisp, it's got the cock with punch.
• I can't get enough of your fatty prick, it's got the crunch with punch.
• Some variation of the above.

I kind of hope he never gets a hearing aid.

"It's not really that I've been an advocate for hearing aids for a long time, it's just that I've been losing my hearing for a long time! So it's actually very important for me because I'm actually hearing impaired and I simply want to hear better!" - Leslie Nielsen

Sue

As many of you probably understand, I have no love for Walmart. I just don't really enjoy the shopping experience it provides. That being said I don't really hate them, as they're a business like many others that just happen to be better at retailing than most. You can say their business practices are shady, but you can probably say that about most hyper competitive chains in any field of service. And yet, I do shop at Target, so directing my ire towards Walmart would seem unfair, and a bit hypocritical.

While I don't normally hate on ordinary people who have little to no political power, I found someone today that can kiss my country ass. Donnell Battie is a pig fucker of the highest order and I'll tell you why. He was in a Walmart two years ago when some prankster picked up a store phone and got on the intercom and stated "Attention Wal-Mart Customers: All Black People Leave the Store Now." Now this kid was arrested for this, which is weird considering I didn't know you could go to jail for simply being a jerk, but hey I'm no Judge Judy.

Back to the asshat that is Donnell.

Donnell, who is such a pansy he should be required to go by the name Donnie, Donnette, or simply Douche, was left traumatized by the incident, and experienced massive amounts of pain and suffering due to the kid's actions. So logic would dictate that he speaks to the child's parents about the incident and maybe both can learn some valuable life lessons. It could be a movie of the week about pain, racism, and forgiveness.

But no, not for Douche. Donnie got some sand in his vagina and has decided to sue not the boy's family, but Walmart, because since the retail giant clearly didn't have an armed ninja staking out all their phones to ensure some bored kid wouldn't pull a prank shows a reckless disregard of the emotional trauma of the pansy community. It was like they were begging a racist kid to broadcast the constitution of the Aryan Nation to the helpless masses who can't handle the fact that assholes exist.

So Walmart will probably settle, and Dandy will get some cash, a miserable excuse for an attorney will get richer, and customers will end up paying for it. The lesson learned here kids is that lying brings you endless amounts of rewards and there's no consequence for abusing the system. You, you good children you, are entitled to a life free of jerks, and if someone offends your delicate constitution it's not right to blame the jerk, but someone with a lot of money who had little, if nothing, to do with the jerk's actions. There's no reason to forgive and forget, nor should you make amends with your attacker or victim. You gots to get paid after all.

So yeah, fuck you Donnell Battie. You stand for everything I hate, and it is you that's what's wrong with the world.

"Battie claims he has needed medical care due to the March 2010 comment. He says it caused him "severe and disabling emotional and psychological harm."" - AP

NJ man sues Wal-Mart for $1M over racist remark

Party of small government in action

As I'm sure you're all aware, the state of North Carolina has voted to ban gay marriage, which should come as no shock to anyone. Still people for gay marriage are acting like they didn't see this coming, which is bizarre. I mean a southern state passing legislation that restricts minority rights? When has this ever happened before and why would they start now? What's really odd about this is that gay marriage was already not allowed in the state, so why voters would deem this necessary is a mystery. The real damage inflicted is that this would outlaw all civil unions, gay or straight. This means many would lose access to health care, hospital visits, tax credits, and various other benefits married people are entitled to. It's redundant at best, stupid at worst.

So really the gay marriage ban is just enforcing the status quo, and diverting attention from the 9%+ unemployment, poor education, and dwindling infrastructure, which were all caused by people having butt sex. Conservatives hail this as a victory in protecting marriage, which didn't need any protecting, especially from the big bad government the GOP tells us to loathe. It's odd that the Tea Party and their ilk hate liberty and the minority groups in NC voted to in legislation to oppress minorities.

Stupid.

"My home State of North Carolina ranks 12th in the United States for increased aging population and, according to a national report, 41st in overall health. According to this same report, individuals aged 50+ are the least healthy." - Howard Coble

Things I learned by watching G.I. Joe

G.I. Joe was a cartoon I once loved, and when I say loved I mean I worshipped it as if it breathed life into me. For a young boy who thought guns and war was the coolest thing ever the cartoon had it all; lasers, ninjas, hot chicks in skin tight clothing, over the top action, and bad ass weaponry. Now that the show is available to view on Netflix I can't begin to explain how terrible it is. Well I'll try anyways. The whole damn thing is ridiculous, and the writers do the stupidest things with the show, such as make a lot of the action happen off camera just to drive the plot forward. The voices are annoying, the characters are less than compelling, and as an adult viewing it without the kid blinders on, it's obvious they just made this to sell toys.

Still at its best, it's a lot of fun as it rarely takes itself seriously, which no cartoon of that era should. There are worse entertainment aimed at young boys back in those days, such as Voltron and that miserably long forming sequence that happened at least three times an episode.

But here I'll list a few things I learned by watching G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero:

1. Ninjas really aren't that bad ass.
2. To be a member of an elite fighting force, or the most ruthless terrorist organization known to man, you have to be physically fit, possess great intellect, be well versed in hand to hand combat, and have the shooting ability of your average storm trooper.
3. In war no one ever dies.
4. You can bail out of any plane or helicopter just a few feet from the ground and your parachute will open and guide you to earth safely.
5. Indians can talk to animals.
6. All indigenous folks' loyalty can be bought with bright shiny objects.
7. There's no reason to use the element of surprise when entering into combat. One must loudly yell a catch phrase that resembles their organization's name before they shoot up the place.
8. If you want to run a well-funded terrorist group, you must be such a pussy you make Richard Simmons look like Ted Nugent.
9. Large intricate bases of war can be built within a week, and the countries of South America will welcome those with world domination plans with open arms.
10. If someone's shooting at you, simply do a somersault and you'll avoid any bullets.
11. Missiles travel very slowly and will allow you enough time to step out of your vehicle to avoid being blown up.
12. A crossbow reloads itself.
13. When in a battle, if faced with a perilous situation, as does happen in the arena of combat, you must first open your mouth and hold that facial expression for at least two seconds before you decide what your next action will be. Time is not of the essence.
14. When dancing, it's best to keep you feet firmly planted and wave your arms about in manners that make you look like you're in distress. Of perhaps like you don't care....
15. Everyone with a foreign accent is evil.

Yes, this is what one can take away by watching this show, beside memorizing the line "G.I. Joe is the codename for America's daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose, to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world."

"There is no reason for this film to exist." - KGB's review of G.I. Joe, the animated movie.

Wiwille shops, stops runaway weave

I usually don't write about my gripes with the service industry. Come to think of it, I usually don't complain if I have a problem with a particular place. If I'm not happy with the product or service, I ask for a refund and don't go back. It's really that simple.

Still I'm perplexed with my experience with Target, and am not sure if I should go back or not. A few days ago my wife was searching for new car seats for our daughter, and found the ones she liked online through Target. The item was listed for "49.99 store price", but wasn't available to purchase online. In fact, the site said "Not sold online". So we looked up a store that had it available and I made the trek to find the item. I found two in stock, but they were listed for 54.99 each. I asked an associate what the deal was and she admitted that the website listing sounded strange, but they can't price match their online price. I explained to her that this product stated it was sold in stores only and gave a store price, but that confused her.

She directed me to Guest Services and after my wife sent me screen shots of what the site said to my phone I talked to an associate. She said they couldn't price match online prices, but I should go and try to order it online, even when I told her that the website made that impossible. I showed her the screen grab, and explained that it said "store price". She wouldn't budge, but did offer to call a manager.

Well a manager showed and I explained the situation again. He asked me to wait a moment and called his supervisor, the store manager. The store manager arrived and I showed him the screen shots and the situation. He reiterated the same speech I've heard twice already, but I argued with him a bit and explained how ridiculous it was that their website advertised a "store price", but the store wouldn't honor it. We went back and forth, till eventually it went circular until he told me that I could still buy it if I wish, but under no circumstances would they match the "store price" as advertised.

Well poop. I bought the items anyways, as the price was still lower than anywhere else we researched, but I hated myself for it. As I walked out of the store I come up to my car to hear a nasty scream in my direction.

"HEY WHITE MAN," this lady yelled. "STOP MAH WEAVE!"

She was running towards me with arms flailing and fat rolls swinging in the soft breeze. I look down to see the weave dance across the pavement in my direction. It came to me and I stomped on it to make sure it stayed put, but decided against picking it up. She finally came to me and grabbed her weave and thanked me. I said she was welcome and left it at that.

My wife was unhappy about the shopping incident, so she decided to write Target about my experience, with the screen grabs as well. Below are some excerpts:

"Online it states that the “In Store” price is on sale for $49.49 regular price: $54.99, with a total of $5.50 savings on each car seat. Again, I could not purchase this item online, it was sold in stores only. We looked online and it said that the Vista Ridge location had these particular car seats in stock. My husband went to the store and the price was $54.99 each in the store. He spoke with 4 people to ask why this was when online it stated that the in store price was $49.49. He spoke with the Store Manager as well, and he informed him that Target cannot price match. I understand not price matching with competitors, but this was his own store, TARGET. He told my husband he can or cannot buy the item, but he would not give it to him for the sale price as advertised...Basically, there is no way to purchase this item at $49.49.  Not online or in the store.  My question is why is this advertised as this?....If you see below, there is no way to purchase this car seat online : “not sold online”, so it is not an “online” price.  $49.49 is the store price and Vista Ridge Location had it in stock.  That means that they should honor this price.

Find in store: ( it was in stock yesterday, until we went and bought the last two car seats)"

So Target gave her a reply:

Thanks for writing with your comments. It sounds like you have some concerns about price matching
.
We've established our policy so guests may expect a great value on all our merchandise. Target doesn't price-match or price-adjust with other competitor stores or other Target store locations (store-to-store). Additionally, Target prices can vary between stores and Target.com. I'm sorry for any inconvenience this has caused.

When you checked online for store availability, the window that popped up with store locations also said, "Prices, promotions, styles and availability may vary by store and online."

If we advertise a lower price either the same week or the week following your Target purchase, we'll make a price adjustment. You can take your original receipt to your local Target store and visit the Guest Service Desk to receive this service. A team member will be happy to make this adjustment for you. As a reminder, we're unable to make any adjustment on clearance merchandise.

We're always evaluating the wide variety of services and merchandise we offer you, and I've shared your concerns with our Store Operations team. We always welcome your feedback.

We're always looking for ways to make Target even better and appreciate your help.

Sincerely,
Stephanie
Target Guest Relations

So no one at Target has any idea what the fuck "store price" means. Granted, if I had stomped my feet and acted like a child, I probably would've gotten my way, but at the risk of my dignity, or it could've gone sideways with them calling the cops. Still I don't understand why they towed such a hard line on this, especially given the evidence. If I wanted to take this to court, which I don't, it would seem to be an open and shut case in my favor. Granted, it's not a big deal as it's only $11 dollars, or the average daily income of a welfare family of three, but there's a principle here. I mean why list a store price at all?

Thing is Target carries a lot of products we like at a reasonable price. Sure we could just choose to go somewhere else, but when you add up the expenses of travel and spending more for the items it adds up.

"I shop at Target weekly for all my household and grocery needs.  I would hate to stop shopping here for this issue." - Wife

Wiwille's movie reviews part 89

Most horror films have never been my thing, but horror comedies, like "Dead Alive" and "Adventureland", are a real treat, mostly because they don't take their nonsense seriously, and therefore; create a better suspension of disbelief. Plus the scripts get to laugh at themselves, which allows the audience to look aside the stupid formulas and cliches all scary movies use.

"Black Sheep" has all the elements of a good horror comedy, but takes it a step further with one of the most ridiculous concepts ever conceived. Set in New Zealand, a seemingly gentle boy (Henry) is riding a bike through a sheep ranch, when he comes across a cruel prank by his older brother (Angus), who slaughtered a sheep and wore it as a cape in order to frighten the young lad, which apparently worked. Fast forward fifteen years later. After being gone from the family ranch for years Henry develops a phobia of sheep, but returns to sell his share of the ranch to Angus, who is now running it like an evil corporation.

Angus is genetically modifying the sheep with his own DNA, for reasons that are entirely clear, turning them into carnivores. Not only do they feast on flesh, but if they bit someone, they in turn to into some human/sheep hybrid of sorts. Henry comes across two environnmental activists who steal a lab subject, which escapes and infects all the sheep at the ranch, turning the whole place into some zombie sheep ranch. It's up to Henry and his new activist friend to save the day!

Sure the whole damn thing is silly, but that's the point. Zombies themselves are stupid, so having them as sheep isn't really much of a stretch. The characters are a bit thin, and the villain Angus is wholly without motivation beyond doing evil for the sake of it, and it's somehow supposed to be profitable, never mind how. The photography is beautiful at times and the actors do their best given the material. It's gory, memorable, and really just a laughable good time. There will be moments when you're laughing at the movie than with it, but it's still enjoyable.

Thanks to Justin for submitting this. Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Lush photography of the beautiful New Zealand hills combines with skin ripping mayhem and over-the-top humor to make one of the funniest of the new wave zombie satires yet." - Ron Wilkinson

Dear Wiwille,

Ok, it's another time for your author to respond to an advice column question, but of course the question was not intended for me. In this exciting edition, we have a question meant for Dear Abby.

I have a beautiful wife, a dog and an 8-year-old son I love to watch sports with. My son loves sports, but he has trouble accepting a loss. He'll take out his disappointment by beating the dog.

My wife doesn't want to get rid of "Patches" because she has had him since college. I don't want to put my son through counseling because he said he'll hate me forever if I do. I'm afraid if the problem isn't controlled, my son's life goals may be affected. What can I do? -- GOOD DAD IN CLEVELAND

Dear Jackass in Satan's sewer:

Living in Cleveland shows how terrible you are at making good life choices, but to let your kid beat a dog, and thinking of getting rid of the pet as a solution really makes me hope your neighbors have CPS on speed dial. You don't need to be a pet lover to understand that beating an animal for any reason other than self defense is just sick, and your kid is a twisted one who may end up putting Dahmer's acts to shame. Your cowardice is mind boggling as you would actually seem to let your kid bully you into not taking appropriate actions for discipline. Your "beautiful" wife and you have produced a rotten little bastard and you need to put a stop to this before he grows into a teenager. You being a pussy will insure a horrific home life for your entire family. Put your foot down, take anything remotely fun away from your kid and put him into therapy until the behavior improves. Otherwise you've got the makings of a serial killer.

Do not, under any circumstances, have another child.

Regards,
Wiwille

“If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.” — Francis of Assisi

Daunting indeed.

The folks at ShortList.com have gathered a list (go figure) of 14 daunting books every man should read. Women are strangely absent from this, but whatever. It shows me how little I read, which is something I guess I should be ashamed of, but I'm honestly not. I fall somewhere in the median of being well read, but I've only taken the time to finish three of these books (Moby Dick, War & Peace, and a Brief History of Time), and I can't really remember much about them. I recall enjoying them, but it's been so long I can't tell you exactly why. I can; however, speak to the commitment I made to finishing War & Peace and Moby Dick, which was a task for sure. A Brief History of Time amazed me in the fact that it's written in layman's terms and was quite entertaining considering the subject matter.

Still I'll make a non-gender specific list of books people should read, that were at least daunting to me.

1. A People's History of the United States: Howard Zinn's classic is a must read for anyone that has any interest in learning about the history of the United States. It's a refreshing look, considering it's written from the view of the masses, and not the privileged few. It's a page turner, even with it's length.

2. The Bible: The Bible, Koran, and Tanakh are books everyone seems to have an opinion on, but very few have actually read. They all seem more referenced then actually read for that matter. Still we live in times where religion infiltrates, or some would say poisons, our politics, and a read of our country's most popular holy book should be done, whether your religious or not. The Bible is a daunting piece indeed, especially Leviticus, which is so painfully dull. Still after reading the book you may find the character of Jesus completely different than the prince of peace many make him out to be, and the Revelation According to John is fascinating as it is wacky.

3. John Adams: David McCullough is one of the great writers of our time, and everyone should read at least one of his works. John Adams is by far my favorite, followed by a close second with 1776. His creativity making history into an actual story makes reading about long dead guys actually interesting, which can be difficult for most.

4. The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one of the best sci-fi books to ever be written, and one of the few that made me laugh out loud. The four subsequent novels are equally as hilarious and thought provoking.

5. Confederates in the Attic: It's been often said that if someone wants to understand the character of the United States, one look no further than to the civil war. Confederates in the Attic is really about the lasting impact the war between the states has on the populace today, and how many have transformed memorializing the conflict into something resembling a religion. It's a fascinating look at how people are so fixated on the lost cause and how it still divides us in many ways.

6. Dune: If sci-fi had their Ulysses, Dune would likely be it. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi literature, but this story captivated me in ways no other has. Timeless in its themes, it really grabs a hold of your imagination and paints a vivid picture of aristocratic strife over resources.

"In the United States today, the Declaration of Independence hangs on schoolroom walls, but foreign policy follows Machiavelli." - Howard Zinn

The Tea Party are a bunch of ignorant fucktards and you know it

A little bit ago I wrote about a FB friend who likes to post all sorts of political misinformation at every waking hour. He continues his nonsense, and goes largely ignored, but one post caught my attention. It was a link to a story about Obama and his birth certificate, posted on a Tea Party publication, which is like reading Thoughts on Common Sense by the cast of Jackass.

Yes the Tea Party, who claim to be all about lower taxes and smaller government, but simply browsing their barely literate Tea Party Tribune is evidence enough that they have other things on their plate. When the neurotic conservatives aren't carrying misspelled signs that make no sense, or are blatantly racist, they love believing that their greatest nightmare of non-white man holding office may not be eligible to do so. These are birthers, and they are liars. Whether they believe in what they're saying doesn't matter, they're spreading a lie with overwhelming, and somewhat entertaining, zeal.

Obama is a citizen and eligible to hold office of the Presidency, as he's proven time and time again, even when it wasn't necessary, but some folks won't accept it, and even lie to support their lie. Here we have the latest, where the Tea Party Tribune claimed Obama lawyer Alexandra Hill, while defending her client's eligibility to be on the ballot in New Jersey, admitted that the birth certificate Obama presented before the public was a forgery while under oath. This never happened, yet even when they have video of the entire hearing, to which nothing of the sort was mentioned, they still won't retract it!

It seems that conservatives are naturally bad at lying, yet they do it all the fucking time. It seems their philosophy is hell bent on telling mis-information to promote their wackiness. When faced with said lie, they shrug. From children their taught to make the pre-Civil War south to be a beautiful antebellum, straight out of God With the Wind, when it actually was anything but. They were told that the traitors known as the Confederates didn't succeed because of slavery, it was because the North was full of people who had poopie pants, or something equally as disingenuous. Oh and billions of species fit into an ark, language is derived from God not wanting people to build a tower, the earth is six thousand years old, evolution is bunk, Reagan was a good President, Rome fell because of welfare only, etc. Lying, it's what they do.

"What harm would it do, if a man told a good strong lie for the sake of the good and for the Christian church ... a lie out of necessity, a useful lie, a helpful lie, such lies would not be against God, he would accept them." - Martin Luther

All glory and praise

For whatever reason I have an avid interest in the odd, or even dark nature, of civilizations. Wherever I travel I find myself enjoying studying the darker periods of their past, such as Sydney's prison museum, Dachau, Medieval justice museums, etc. Still in all my travels I don't think I'll ever visit a place more twisted and evil than North Korea.

Yes the Democratic Peoples' Republic of Korea (DPRK) is a place that fascinates me. It's like the world's largest cult, where the dear leader is Lord, and if anyone within questions the authority, or divinity of the state, they and their families can pay the ultimate price for it. The Korean Friendship Association (KFA), has the odd task of being PR for the totalitarian state, and make people believe it's not as bad as it really is. Through the KFA you can travel on a state led tour of the country, which sounds like a real hoot.

For those of you unfamiliar with Reddit, a user can create what is called a subreddit, which is a collection of links dedicated to any particular topic. Most popular are gaming, atheism, geek, etc, but the KFA decided to create their own subreddit dedicated to the dear leader, r/pyonyang. Well quickly browsing through the comments you see a lot that are deleted by the KFA admin, mostly due to the fact people accuse the Kim family of leaders of performing homosexual acts on various communist colleagues.

Well the subreddit had one link, talking about how low level communist orgs praising the DPRK's founder, Kim Il Sung. A lot of the comments were less than kind about the dear dead leader, so they were quickly deleted. Funny enough, they kept mine:

Really, those are the only organizations that spoke highly about the dear leader? You would think that every organization, from the People's Front of Judea to NAMBLA, would be beating their chests in praise of the great general! A thousand suns to the Kim trifecta of greatness! Praise be his name!"

The KFA, if it is them that's really behind this, has some issues with recognizing sarcasm.

"All of North Korea is a jail." - Kim Y. Sam

The Godfather Part II

Last night my father in-law joined me to watch The Godfather Part II on the big screen. I've never got to witness this as it was released a year before I was born. Reel classics released the classic film for one night only, and of course I just had to go. In this particular theatre they decided to use their digital IMAX screen to display the movie, which was amazing. The level of detail in the film went largely missed seeing it on the small screen all these years, but viewing the characters and landscape put forth on the behemoth projection was a treat.

Listed below are some the highlights and lowlights of the film.

Highlights:

• Michael looks far more terrifying on the giant screen then he does on any television.
• The sound mixing was better than I've ever heard it.
• They actually had an intermission, just like how it was originally released, which was welcome considering its length.
• I never noticed just how much attention to detail was made with 1917 Little Italy.
• (Spoiler) I've seen this film I don't know how many times, but still the execution of Fredo gives me the chills every single time, and seeing it how it was meant to be seen felt exactly how I did when I first saw it.
• (Spoiler) The execution of Don Ciccio sent gasps through the audience.

Lowlights:

• Years ago Paramount released the Godfather Epic box set on VHS, which included some never before seen footage. For whatever reason, they didn't include this in this theatrical run.
• There was a strange bald little nugget of a man who sat in the same row as me. He donned a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. He couldn't sit still. Every now and then he would get up from his chair, climb over the rail in front of him, and wander about. He finished three large sodas and two boxes of popcorn. My father in-law stated he was a few bricks short of a load.
• The Godfather Part II is a pretty quiet film for the most part, but in the theatre next to us must have been some high paced action film, as we could hear the bass tremble in the theatre. Annoying.
• The theatre was pretty sparse, which was kind of disappointing. I really like the fact that these old films are being re-released and wish there was more of a market for it so it continues.

So I browsed upcoming films that are being re-released. In a few days they're showing The Magnificent Seven, Casablanca, and even From Here to Eternity. So many movies, so little time.

"A rare sequel to a great film that recaptures and expands upon the mastery of its predecessor." - Phil Villarreal

Book giveaway

The good Claire, of The Country Mouse in the City, has decided to do a book giveaway. As required, I have to blog about this fact to be eligible. So I'm doing so. If you're interested in reading, and I know you all are, I suggest entering. List of books are requirements are here.

"I love to read....and what better way to share that love than by hosting a BOOK giveaway? One lucky reader will receive not one but two of my favourite books (as mentioned in the past posts), delivered to their door." - Claire

Dear Wiwille,

It's that time again, where Wiwille gives unsolicited advice to someone who didn't ask it. In this exciting edition, we have Zach, who wrote to Wayne & Tamara about an issue he and his wife are having. Take it away Zach:

My wife made friends with a woman through her work who is married to an apparent former boyfriend of my wife. My wife, however, adamantly denies they were ever involved. The four of us socialize on occasion at casual dinners with others or parties in our homes.

My wife seems drawn to this man in any social situation. Thirty seconds after I met him for the first time, which was two years ago, he told me he and my wife had not seen each other in over 20 years and did not speak at class reunions.
Then he said, "It was really awkward when your wife and I reconciled, but we got over it and we're glad we did." Since we were in a public setting and I did not know this man, I was cautious about asking what he meant.

There are always innuendos about their past. They might be talking about high school and someone will ask, "What else did you guys do together?" You could cut the awkward silence with a knife while they lean together, touch foreheads, wink or giggle and don’t say a word.

Another time I mentioned after my wife had her wisdom teeth out, I had to pour her into bed, half-naked and totally out of it. This man blurted out, "Oh, yeah, I've seen her like that!" Then he turned to his wife and sternly insisted it happened "back in the day...back in the day." My wife never said a word. Everyone around us was stunned.

Last fall this man called to wish my wife a happy birthday. She giggled like an infatuated schoolgirl the whole 40 minute phone call. She kept saying things like, "Oh yes, your voice does sound better. Are you getting enough sleep?" I was fuming, but our kids were home so I didn't question her.

At this man's father's funeral, he and my wife embraced for five solid minutes. His arms were wrapped low around her waist and their bodies pressed tightly together while they pressed foreheads and chatted. I stood by, embarrassed in a room of 100 people.

It feels like I'm being tested to see how far I can be pushed. How do I approach my wife? I'm afraid to bring it up for fear of the ultimate repercussions.

Zach

Dear Zach,

I'll have to hand it to you Zach, for not going all violent on this man when he openly states he saw your wife in various states of undress. A lesser man, namely me, would've punched him in the throat.

Being married is about trust, and you should trust her to a point, but when she continues in actions that are highly inappropriate it's normal to address it accordingly, and soon. They've gotten away with this behavior already, and they'll just continue to do so until you say or do something. Your wife clearly has unresolved issues with this guy, and if you're unclear of this fact, ask her if she does. If she gets defensive and angry, you'll know I'm right. She may just flat out admit it.

I would talk to the guy as well about his intentions with your wife. Sure he may go all Hong-Kong Fooey on you, but as my parents always told me, let him swing first, and make him regret that decision. At the very least he'll go to jail, and you'll have your evidence of his feelings towards your wife. Oh and if she wants to bail him out, it's high time to see an attorney.

But really, you have all the evidence you need already that they still have feelings for each other. Get the kids a babysitter, go out to dinner, and bring it up. Tell her exactly how this behavior has made you uncomfortable, and if it continues problems in the marriage will arise. She'll say "you need to trust me" and what not, but it's more important that she needs to act appropriately and not dance around the fact that she wants to be with this guy in some fashion. They're both playing this slow, and their spouses are watching it go on with no intervention. If this continues this won't end well.

I can understand fearing the repercussions of such a discussion, but not doing anything will end your marriage in a fashion you should expect. If she really wants to leave, she'll do so, but fight for your family. If you don't, your wife will see you as a pussy, and she'll fall deeper for her former flame for being the alpha male in this.

"You have a choice. Raise this issue and test the strength of your marriage, or do nothing and wait for your life to collapse around you." - Wayne & Tamara

Online activism

Facebook, it's such a blessing and a curse. It's great to catch up with old friends and see pictures of loved ones doing stuff that's mildly interesting, but there's those friends you have that use it as a platform to spout off on anything that's on their mind. Whether it's anti-vaccine misinformation or ranting about some political issue that everyone is keenly aware of, Facebook makes many feel important in the public discourse.

We all have that one friend, if not many, that the 'hide' feature becomes a most welcome one. Some people hide their friends for various reasons, whether they're just tired of hearing about their weight loss plan every hour or seeing those stupid photos people share with quotes that are meant to sound profound, but are elementary at best. I do hide a lot of my friends, most notably one who likes to deem himself the champion of Tea Party values.

Yes he's a different sort who likes to post quotes about the second amendment and how helpful it is to stop the secret Kenyan Obama from feasting on unborn fetuses while hosting the Muslim Brotherhood in the Lincoln Bedroom. The rest of the democrats are torturing hunting bald eagles from the roof of the UN building, and the mainstream media is complacent. Yeah, it gets really stupid. Here's an example:

Ahh yes those baby killing democratic cowards who have no interest in killing our enemies. Yet funny enough they won us two world wars, and killed Osama Bin Laden, but they have no interest in killing enemies of our state. Instead they secretly are trying to turn our country into North Korea while they masturbate to pictures of Che Guevera.

No one would assume I comment on these posts, telling this mental midget how wrong he is about everything, but I don't, as Facebook is not an appropriate forum for reasoned debate, hell the internet really isn't. There's no winning with folks so dedicated to their cause. Their online activism is paramount to their identity. It makes them feel like their doing something important, narcissistic as it may be. Let it be.

"I really just don’t spend that much time on him, to be honest with you." - George W Bush on Osama Bin Laden.

Lights out

As many of you are probably aware, the Painter of Light(tm) Thomas Kinkade has passed away on Good Friday. His legacy will probably be as baffling to the art world as it was when he was alive. Kinkade often created idyllic landscapes of country settings, or idealized cityscapes that existed in the imagination of Rockwell. You've no doubt seen his works in malls or in a rest home, and they probably did little for you.

While his work was indeed popular, art critics were particularly harsh towards his paintings and business practices. He was like the Bon Jovi of art, accessible and easily digestible, but nothing that could be taken seriously. One couldn't help but look at his art and find the prints pretty if nothing else. Still they didn't say much, as they were just simple. The human condition was not explored, nor was any sense of meaning.

My folks, as many older people, loved his work, thinking he was the greatest painter since Monet. I understand his appeal, but I can't understand why an artist who's work which was so redundant could keep selling. I mean you can only see so many cottages with babbling brooks in their front yards so many times. And each cottage had so much light coming out of it you'd think it was on fire, and having fourteen smoke stacks didn't help that image.

Much like Andrew Lloyd Webber, Kinkade will never be taken seriously in his medium. We'll never see a major gallery carrying his work, and he knew that, and that's why he made his own across malls the country over. Still if I can say anything good about his work, is that he made paintings accessible, which was something that was far lacking in today's art world. Contemporary art is a fickle, strange, and often dirty business that likes to alienate the public oddly enough, and it was nice to see someone give the finger to them. It is my hope someone does this again, only with more dedication to quality.

"The concept that an artist would be revered by popular culture is an immediate dismissal of his relevance as an artist." - Thomas Kinkade

Homeopathy awareness week!

This week is Homeopathy Awareness Week, and the council governing the practice has decided to use this week to promote the idea that diluted substances can assist with infertility. Yeah, seriously.

Anyways we the folks at One Bad Apple would like to make you aware of a case that's made our blood boil. Whenever I'm engaged in a discussion about why I dislike the practice I'm often asked what's the harm in homeopathy. Well look at the picture. Her name was Penelope Dingle, and she was diagnosed with bowel cancer. Her husband, a toxicologist, had gone on record stating chemotherapy was useless. Penelope disregarded conventional treatments and decided to seek the counsel of homeopathic practitioner Francine Scrayen, who claimed she could cure Ms Dingle of cancer. On the advice of a couple of other doctors, she went ahead full steam with vitamin extracts and heavy dilutions of venus fly trap to curb her cancer and try and keep her from having the hysterectomy she so feared. Of course, these treatments didn't work, Ms Dingle ended up weighing 35kg and had to be rushed to surgery as the cancer spread wildly through her body, had the hysterectomy, and eventually died a slow, miserable death.

The coroners report came to the conclusion that the advice from homeopath Francine Scrayen led to Penelope's death. Yes this is the harm in homeopathy. Should Penelope chose the more conventional route, she may just be with us today, but sadly a life was taken as she was sold a bill of goods. Desperate people with a terminal illness are often vulnerable to quack medicine, and we sadly can add her name to the already long list of people who decided to pursue alternative treatments with fatal results, including Steve Jobs.

In Penelope Dingle's own words, she wrote a letter to her homeopath Francine Scrayen after her surgery, which is almost tear jerking. Granted Ms Dingle chose Scrayen's treatment against better judgement, but if you were dying of cancer and someone told you they could miraculously heal you, even going so far as telling you you'd have a long healthy life and have the chance at having children, you may just do the same.

To be expected, a lot of criticism has been thrown at Francine Scrayen, and rather than confronting it with facts, she decided to sue bloggers who've spoken out against her, which is disgusting. Typical though, as she can't prove her treatments work, as homeopathy doesn't do a damn thing except maybe cure dehydration. These people profit off the suffering with their bullshit, and we as a society shouldn't stand for it.

I've nearly lost a loved one due to their choice in homeopathy, and thankfully he dodged that bullet. This is wh people need to be aware of what homeopathy really is, modern day snake oil. It's not blending concoctions of herbs and supplements, that's naturopahty. Homeopathy is the idea that like cures like, and to do so, take the original substance and dilute it so much that the active ingredient is no longer present, but homeopaths believe water has memory and will carry the cure with it. If that were true, water would be nothing but human feces. It would be like me throwing a pill of Bayer Asprin into the Gulf of Mexico and claiming the entire gulf could be the world's greatest headache medicine.

For a more detailed view on what homeopaths believe and why it's horseshit, this comic sums it up nicely.

"I followed your advice that I should not have any form of medical monitoring until January/February 2004, after which time you said your treatments would have cured me. So that my positive frame of mind was not undermined I followed your advice that I should not consult with medical personnel unless they approved of your protocol and what you were doing." - Penelope Dingle's letter to Fancine Scrayen

It's a twister!

Well it finally happened. After being told of the once every few years twisters that hit the North Texas area, I finally got to experience what a southern/mid-west natural disaster was like. Yes we folks in Dallas aren't immune to mother nature's wrath, and she dealt us one with a series of tornadoes yesterday.

I was at the office when over the PA system a man who wasn't educated in the art of public speaking told us to go into a designated tornado safe zone, which my cubicle is, but instead me and the team went into a small conference room and bonded over the possibility of us dying. I've lived through volcanoes and earthquakes, but this was a bit different as it the stress seemed to last forever. My baby daughter was with her grandmother and I felt a bit panicky as I wasn't there to see her, but thankfully she was in good hands.

Many homes and businesses, including truck trailers that shot up over 100 feet in the air, were destroyed, but thankfully as I type this there have been no reports of any deaths due to this. After this storm it made me think, where else do tornadoes strike? Looking it up, they happen in every continent, sans Antarctica, but still the majority of them happen in tornado alley, because America is number one after all.

You hear often in the news about natural disasters in foreign lands, whether they be heat waves, tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons,  or volcanoes, but never about devastating tornadoes. We're just lucky I guess.

"Sometimes it takes a natural disaster to reveal a social disaster." - Jim Wallis

Wiwille wants to be skinny

They say the hardest part about weight loss is keeping it off, and I've become living proof. A few years ago I decided I no longer wanted to weigh 250 lbs, so I dieted and went to the gym almost every day. Well after a while I slacked on the dieting and the exercise, only to end up gaining it all back. Yes I went all Oprah like with the weight fluctuation, and it started to affect my health, physical and mental.

So my wife decided to purchase weight loss shakes and sent me to the grocery store for some healthy food. Many vegetables, fruits, and other foods that are largely considered good for you were purchased, all with various flavorable results. Some taste really good, while others might as well be cardboard. The shake, when added with water, is a foul chalky creation designed to make you poop the size of a small child. I've ate so many tasteless vegetables and low fat cottage cheese that I never really quite feel full, which is the point. I remember the first couple of weeks being the hardest as your stomach adjusts to eating like a bird, and that hasn't changed at all.

Together the wife and I are attempting a healthy lifestyle, and so far it's going good, well except for the fact that I would kill any one of you with my bare hands for a peanut butter burger and a pint of stout. The catch is though, considering I obviously have a metabolism as slow as Rick Santorum's mind I don't think I should resume my normal way of eating after I do reach my goals. I may have to destine myself to eat veggies and stuff forever. I'm not getting any younger and I have a desire to at least play with my grandchildren.

"I'm gaining weight the right way: I'm drinking beer." - Johnny Damon

Even though I have a last name that hails from the land north of England, and the fact my family tried to instill respect into their heritage, there are two things in the world I hate more than anything, kilts and bagpipes. Well maybe I hate genocide, child molesters, and the Dali Lama more, but still I'm an affront to my heritage. See most fads I buy, or at least I can see the appeal. Kilts I can't abide by as they don't look good, nor are practical, and are just plain annoying. Still they're not as bad as bagpipes. I'd rather listen to kittens howl in pain than hear the unholy sounds of that miserable instrument. I swear Cuthulu will rise and the earth will perish to the march of Scotsmen playing, or what they call it, those things.

Well one high school shares my hatred for kilts as they barred a student from wearing a kilt to prom, which is all fucking ridiculous. And no it's not 2002, people still wear them, often. Look, I hate those excuses for men's wear, but I think people should have the freedom to wear them at a high school formal event. Hell I hate most fashions kids are involved in, but again the child should have the freedom to laugh at himself twenty years from now. Everyone should have the right to dress ridiculous when half drunk on bad alcohol and when performing weird rituals before having awkward sex.

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order." - Spike Milligan

Bad Movies I Love Part 32

Most movie goers of my generation have never seen nor heard of "Song of the South". Yes the Disney film that the company doesn't want you to see, but for whatever reason will never let you forget, is one that most everyone under sixty has never laid eyes on. The last time I saw it was in the early eighties when it made it's last run in the theatres. I recall liking it, but up until this weekend I could tell you little of what I saw.

Thanks to the magic of Youtube and it's less than moral users, my folks and I decided to watch the classic film every one's forgotten about. What we found was both surprising in ways I never imagined. I was expecting a racist film on par with "The Birth of a Nation" or the infamous Warner Bros Censcored 11, but instead was treated to something that may be better classified as naive rather than outright hateful. I expected a misunderstood classic that was unfairly treated, but I found a movie designed for little children that can drag. I expected at the very least a charming tale that fit the strong narratives that Disney was known for, but I saw a film that was uneven, poorly paced, and had some characters, even the main ones, that are less than exciting.

The movie is a simple one that has too many stories for it's own good. It starts with live action and takes place in Reconstruction era Georgia, where a young boy named Johnny is being taken to a rural plantation to live with his grandmother and mother while his father, for reasons unknown, decides to leave them to do something, like work or check on his other family that no one knows about. Regardless he leaves and young Johnny decides to run away to catch up with him. On his way he meets Uncle Remus, who says he will run away with him, but sits him down and tells him the story of Brer Rabbit.

This is where the movie finally takes off. Uncle Remus then breaks into Zip-a-dee-doo-dah and is suddenly set in an animated world. Yes, this is where the song you've no doubt heard a lot when you were young is from. The story of Brer Rabbit then takes place, he leaves his home as he thinks it sucks, for whatever reason, then encounters the jive talking Brer Fox and Brer Bear, who want to eat the animated protagonist. Lessons are learned and little Johnny goes back to live with his mother.

Live action takes place again, and Johnny learns a couple of other life lessons, and his mother is wary of the relationship with him and the paternal Uncle Remus, for reasons unexplained. As this is a Disney film, a near tragedy occurs, but all is right with the world soon after and everything is satisfactual.

The film was probably made for very young children, and for that it'll work, but it doesn't resonate with the older viewers. The live action sequences are incredibly dull, and little Johnny has very little personality. The three stories within the film gives it an uneven feel. It may have worked better if Uncle Remus started the film with some exposition, and the rest of the movie used the animated Brers to tell one long narrative.

So why do I love this film? Well when it's not sucking, it's incredibly charming. The blend of live action and animation is very impressive, and the performances are very good, most notably by James Baskett as the magical negro, err, I mean Uncle Remus. The music is entertaining and has obviously stood the test of time, where the film hasn't. It also has nostalgia, which is subjective I know, but after watching the movie the question that begs to be asked is why is this so hard to find?

Disney could've released this with a disclaimer about how our cultural history has embarrassing points, as Warner Brothers has in the past. Children could've learned something from our civil rights history, and how far we have come with our portrayal of African-Americans, but Disney, under pressure from the NAACP and others, decided to sweep this under the rug, but yet oddly, built a theme park ride dedicated to the film's characters, release the song Zip-a-dee-doo-dah at every chance they can, and gives references to it in books, stuffed animals, and various other merchandise. Still this is no more offensive than the already mentioned "The Birth of a Nation", "Gone with the Wind", "The Jazz Singer", or even "The Little Rascals". Granted it's not the technical marvel that is "The Birth of a Nation", nor is it the sweeping epic of "Gone with the Wind", but it does have it's place in film history as being the first to seamlessly blend live action with animation. For that alone people should have the choice to see it.

"The central drama is only intermittently successful, and not only because any rational modern viewer will be seriously put off by the jolly racial ignorance of it all... but its heart is in the right place." - Tim Brayton

White chocolate

I was in the grocery store doing some last minute shopping as the folks are coming into town tonight. I came across the candy aisle and found a delicious treat, white chocolate Reeses Peanut Butter Eggs. I'm not a big fan of chocolate, but folks who know me understand that I will kill you with a ball point pen for white chocolate. So I took a pic, sent it to my wife, and posted the pic on Facebook. The resulting comments ensued, to the delight of many:

Her: Mmmm reese mmmm. Btw what does "white" mean... White chocolate?
Him: its actually white peanut butter. made from albino peanut plants.. very rare.. thats why these are only out once a year. :)
Her: Oh, we don't get this product in Canada. We just have brownish PB lol.
Him: Another reason why you don't hear about the "White peanut allergy" SUPER RARE! It only affects 2% of actual Albino's.
Her 2: Wow... "Albino peanut plants". I've heard it all now... ha ha
Her: I've been played ahahahaha.
Her: Now that, that's out of the way.. Is it white chocolate reese eggs?
Her 2: Yes.
Him: akshully its just the white part of the egg is used, no yolk's in these baby's.
Me: My god this is so going on my blog!
Her: Wow, don't I feel like a douche.

"Could people be trained to be less gullible? Or are you as stuck with gullibility as you are with skin colour?" - Keith Henson
 

Overrated films part 32

You ever go see a film that everyone loves and recommends, only to walk out scratching your head wondering why it was so popular? I do that often, hence this overrated films list, but it's happened to everyone. This may destroy any amount of geek cred I may have ever had, but I'll say it anyways, I'm not of fan of Ghostbusters, and I never really was.

I saw the movie well after everyone else did. It was the talk of the nation as it was a massive hit, and spawned the overplayed theme song that was Ray Parker Jr's one hit. Finally my father relented after I begged him to take me, and we saw Ghostbusters. It was impressive looking film, and to a child of my age, hilarious, but upon repeated viewings it stopped being funny quickly.

I saw the movie a few years ago at the Cinerama, and I will say it still has a few funny moments, but all are owned by Bill Murray, and the rest of the cast might have well not existed. The special effects are still amazing even in a post CGI world, but the movie fails at what it sets out to do, make me laugh anymore. Sure some comedies don't age well as jokes become more sophisticated, but there are those that stand the test of time. For some reason Ghostbusters has stood in the hallowed halls of great cinema, and I'm hard pressed to figure out why, especially considering how awful it's sequel is.

"There is more attention to special effects than to humor." - Janet Maslin

Why now?

Rush Limbaugh is a character I've chosen to ignore for many years for one reason alone, he's Rush Limbaugh. Well actually it was back in 1992, or somewhere around there, when he had a late night television show. He, for whatever reason, announced he had a pic of the future White House dog, President-elect Clinton still hadn't had one, and held up a pic of Bill's thirteen year old daughter Chelsea.

Low as that is, Rush repeatedly denied any wrongdoing and claimed it was a staff/technical error, on a pre-taped show recorded hours before it aired. What the original joke was is a mystery, as I don't see where he was going with it otherwise, and neither did anyone else. Still I don't see how the crew couldn't have just re shot the segment, but I don't work in television. Now there's controversy that this even happened, or it didn't happen as the way it's been described, but that's all horse shit. I saw the show, and his ensuing lame apology which was clear he wasn't sorry. If he really cared about the girl's feelings he could've redone the take, or eliminated it all together.

So I decided to pay him little mind, but every now and then he says things that gets him national attention, and his defenders go from their usual stance that "Rush is champion of American values" to "he's just an entertainer" whenever it's popular to hate on him. He's back in the spotlight for calling Sandra fluke a slut and deemed it appropriate to ask her to post sex videos of herself online should her insurance company cover her birth control. Yes, that's outrageous, but this is coming from a guy who claimed a man stricken with Parkinson's was faking his symptoms for political gain, called another President's daughter unattractive, called out the media for supposedly coddling black quarterbacks, told a black caller to pull a bone out of his nose, and we all should recall the Barack the Magic Negro bit.

But now that Sandra Fluke has been insulted, the nation finally decides to take action, or at least post about it a lot on Facebook. Advertisers are bailing, as they normally do when he says something stupid, which is a lot, but they come back after a while, because he garners huge ratings from easily amused folks. With all of this controversy going on, Missouri House Speaker, having solved all of the state's financial issues, has commissioned a statue erected of him in the hall of famous Missourians.

And yet, people say Rush adds a lot to the public discourse, but none of them can say exactly how. He offers nothing productive to any issue, ever. In fact, his constant bombardment of misinformation on the airwaves is damaging it. That's what his viewers love about him, he'll lie to them all the time to make them think they're right, and they'll spew his nosense in stupid email forwards and inappropriate political discussions at the dinner table. Nothing will change because of this advertising fall out. Rush will be back, and we all have to keep rolling our eyes at all this.

"You know, she may be the most unattractive presidential daughter in the history of the country," - Rush Limbaugh

Monkee boy

When news struck of Davy Jones' passing, I have to admit I didn't feel much at all as I wasn't a fan of the Monkees, never saw their show, nor did I know anything really relevant about them. My first thought was actually, "I wonder how Monkee boy is handling this?"

Years ago I worked in a camera store in Factoria, Washington. On my first day I was cleaning up the photo lab (yeah it was that long ago) and I heard some faint yelling. A co-worker told me to come to the window and check out some guy on the street. The store was located on a hill above the road, and I first feasted eyes upon the man we knew as Monkee boy (pictured, credit to Weird US.com).

Monkee boy was a different sort of man, as he was dancing and yelling while sporting what appeared to be a CD walkman. With wild hair and a huge backpack, the man danced about the street while showing he had a black belt in the ancient art of not giving a shit. I asked my co-worker what the guy's story is, and she said according to legend this man would appear often in the area singing to the Monkees and showing off his moves for no apparent reason.

I admired his energy, as he would do this for hours on end, dancing up and down the street and belting out the lyrics to this silly band. This went on for months, until one fateful day I stepped out of the back room of the store to see him engaged in conversation with a co-worker. My eyes lit up, here I was in the same vicinity with what was known as the village weirdo. He then turned his attention towards me.

Ye gods the dancing maniac was going to engage in conversation with me.

He asked if I knew him. I said I didn't know him personally, but I saw him on a daily basis. He remarked that it was awesome I was aware of his existence. I asked him what he listened to while dancing, and he confirmed it was the Monkees and the Beattles, even going so far as to pull a toy Monkee car from his backpack and displaying it for me.

His name is Kenny and he talked about his search for employment, which wasn't going well. He asked for an application, which I gave him. He started filling it out, but seemed to be struggling as he didn't understand some of the questions. A customer came in and dropped off some film and he turned to her and asked if she knew him. She responded in the positive, which gave him excitment that he was so popular, dubious reasons be damned.

I asked if he was aware what people think of him as he danced about at all hours of the day and night. He said he didn't care, but I didn't buy it. He really loved the attention he was receiving, which struck me as odd. He had to know people thought of him as a freak, but he didn't seem to mind, as long as he stuck in their memory.

Kenny was your anything but average attention whore. While meeting him then, and the frequent visits he made later, solved some of the mysteries surrounding his antics, I still wondered why someone like him would do such a thing. What compells someone to wake up and say, "You know how I want to spend my day? Dancing around in the street to classic boy bands."

As he got more familiar with the staff the conversations got a bit weirder and more perverse as he would talk about things ranging from politics to soliciting the services of Vegas hookers (an activity he engaged in. No I've never done that, nor ever will.) The female staff members were a bit taken aback by him as he seemed to get a bit flirty, so I walked down to the gas station across the street to talk with the employee who I've seen talk to Kenny at great lengths. I asked the obvious questions, if he was harmless or not, to which the guy, in a thick Indian accent, told me Kenny was a very nice person, just had a really rough childhood and this is his vice to escape his homelife.

I pitied Kenny from then on. He was a sad character who just wanted to be loved and paid attention to, but in all my conversations with him, he seemed so happy in what he was doing, and he did it with energy few even have. I envied him in a way, as at the time I wished there was something I could get that excited about, even if it was silly music.

I left the job after about a year and saw Kenny from time to time. Last I saw him he had gainful employment holding signs for Dominoes Pizza and the like, dancing on the sidewalk and promoting their food. He finally landed something that fits his marketable skills, and I smiled a bit, thinking good ole Monkee boy has found his calling. Godspeed Kenny, godspeed.

"So in short: he’s got the look, the moves, the recognition and steady work doing what he loves best. By any standard, he’s good to go! Rock on, Kenny!" - Weird Washington