I feel like a real candy ass. The past few months I've seen a musical, been to a symphony, watched a Tyler Perry movie, took my mom and aunt shopping, ordered a girly drink, and starting honing my culinary skills.
I feel I may be in need of a masculine intervention to make up for all the pansy activities I've done. Sure it won't be as extreme as driving an expensive convertible with a supermodel going down on me as I'm eating a steak sandwich while I think about my cage fighting match later that night, but something at least.
If you have ever listened to the Men's Room on a regular basis you are familiar with the The Men's Room Rules. Submitted by listeners and voted upon by the radio talents these are laws that they feel all men should follow in order to retain their masculinity. So today we'll be looking at a particular set (Article 4:You are a man, god damn it, ACT LIKE IT) and see how I measure up.
Section 1: No man should ever speak badly about bacon or sex. Can't say I've done either, well unless it involves a farm in Enumclaw. (Yeah I went there).
Section 2: Never watch the movie "The Notebook" Guilty. I have a crush on Rachel McAdams.
Section 3: No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday gift. In fact, even remembering you're buddies birthday is strictly optional. I don't think this has ever been required of me nor have I expected it.
Section 4: If a man borrows another mans tools, he must return them in the same shape that he received them. If the tool is damaged, the borrower is responsible for replacing said tool. A sign of this should be hanging in every garage.
Section 5: Never dress to match your girlfriend or wife. Damnit I've done this. I dated a girl with very particular fashion tastes and sometimes she politely suggested what outfit I wear to a particular outing. Usually that suggestion came with an unspoken consequence, so I went with it. We didn't do anything stupid like wear the exact same shirt or some other nonsense.
Section 6: Two men should never walk down the street under the same umbrella. I don't use an umbrella. I'm good here.
Section 7: Never let a woman order for you in a restaurant. I will gladly continue to break this rule. Females have ordered sushi and other items for me and the results have always been good.
Section 8: No man should ever ride bitch on another man's motorcycle. This almost goes without saying. Never done it, never will.
Section 9: Under no circumstances is any man allowed to send an emoticon ;-) =) :-p etc. to another man. I may have done this. There's one emoticon that's in the shape of a beer mug. I know Tad has sent me numerous emoticons...wait I have done this. Damn.
Section 10: No man shall ever feed or be fed by another man, unless the recipient of said feeding is physically or mentally handicapped, or otherwise restricted in any way that prevents feeding oneself. I can't see why anyone would even think of this.
Section 11: There is no reason for a man to watch men's figure skating or men's gymnastics. EVER. What would Brian Botano do?
Section 12: No man shall have any kind of fuzzy decoration on, or in, his car. I've seen many guys with fuzzy decorations in their vehicle and it never ceases to make me want to light the thing on fire.
Section 13: Unless in the entertainment industry, no man shall wear makeup. Duh.
Section 14: No man should take longer to get ready then his wife/girlfriend. If you do take longer than your girlfriend/wife to get ready, you best be going out in an astronaut suit.
Section 15: Never be a part of a candle party. Candle party? WTH is that?
Section 16: Never share a desert with another man. Joe, Corey, and I would often go to Shari's and order coffee and peanut butter pie and talk politics. I don't regret a single minute of those times.
Section 17: Don't skip, ever. I don't think I've done that as an adult, but given my reputation for doing silly stuff when under the influence it may have happened.
Section 18: Never write in pink. Yeah. Just don't do it.
Section 19: The list of words that no man shall EVER use.
• Subsection A: List
1. Garment. Yep
2. Periwinkle Nope
3. Supple Yep
4. Duvet ?
5. Precious I've had conversations about LOTR, so yeah.
6. Fabulous *Under review for comedic value. For comedy purposes sure.
7. Adore Yep
8. Lavender Yep
9. Mommy Of course.
10. Daddy Who hasn't used this in carnal activity at some point?
11. The term “BFF” I would never refer to my friends that way.
12. To Die for Many times in discussing Scarlett.
13. Bye Bye Said it to kids.
14. Delish Didn't know this existed.
15. Décor Yep.
16. Ciao` (Sounds like “CHOW”) The term “Chow” is allowed when speaking about the food or the dog breed I deal with customers around the world. I have used this on occasion. When in Rome....
17. XOXOXOXO Nope
18. Wee-Wee, Tinkle, or Potty. Do any of these guys have children in their care at some point?
19. Ickey Yeah that word needs to go away.
20. Sniffles Probably.
21. Extravagant Yep.
22. Elegant How else do you describe Grace Kelly?
23. Never refer to a purse as a clutch If you make up names for purses there's something wrong with you.
Section 20: Things no man should have
• Subsection B: List
1. Decorative soap. None.
2. Decorative toilet seat Hahahahaha
3. Anything Cher, Barbra Streisand, or Celine Dion. Poor Tad.
4. A diary. Does a blog count?
5. A collection of chick flicks. I failed this one miserably.
6. Body waxing supplies. That's just wrong. Unless you're an Olympic swimmer you should not wax.
7. A collection past girlfriend’s panties. Good call.
Section 21: Things all men should have
• Subsection A: List
1. Your favorite pizza joint on speed dial On the to-do list.
2. Lighter Everywhere I go.
3. Porn Seriously did this need to be said?
4. Belt With my ever shrinking and growing waist this is a must.
5. Tools. At least a flat head and Phillips head screw driver, as well as a crescent wrench. I can't believe they didn't include a hammer.
Section 22: If you have a son, teach him how to play sports. Except figure skating and gymnastics. You couldn't watch him if you were to obey Section 11. I have no son, or child for that matter, so this can go in the NA column.
Section 23: No man shall blame another for their gas, man up and be proud. Beat chest proudly while at it. Does it count if you blame a woman for your gas?
Section 24: No man shall ever attend or be a part of a "shower" (Baby, wedding, etc) A girl I used to date insisted on the idea of a couple's shower for a wedding. I'm with the men on this one, no guy should be required to attend a shower.
Section 25: When in a group of men, don't expose your junk. Unless you want it kicked.
Section 26: No man to man back rubs. I'm going to have this tattooed across my shoulder blades.
Section 27: Never buy a Volkswagen Cabriolet or Mazda Miata I'm looking at you Alec.
Section 28: If you call another man, have a point. Never call just for small talk. Agreed.
Section 29: One man should never go up to another mans woman and tell her stuff that the other man has done. This penalty deserves the death penalty.
Section 30: Every man should have a S.A.C (Spousal Avoidance Center) A place to drink, smoke, and get away from the woman. The cornerstone of a happy relationship.
Section 31: No man shall take a photo of another man doing something incriminating. I disagree. It could be really really funny.
Section 32: If a man pukes in your car, he is held liable to get your entire car detailed. I'm looking at you Quoc.
Section 33: While eating a banana, never look another men in the eyes. I would never think of this in a thousand years.
Section 34: Never let another man adjust your tie while it is still around your neck. Unless you two are in a fight. It can come in handy for a choke out.
Section 35: NO man shall invite another man over to watch porn. I have one friend who is a connoisseur of all things pornographic, but he's never invited me over specifically to watch it. Although I assume it's on when I do go over.
Section 36: Never buy personal lubricant for any reason while with another man. Not even if it's on sale?
Section 37: No nude sunbathing. Sunbathing alone is just wrong.
Section 38: Never dot an "i" with anything other then a dot. Any man who does otherwise should really turn in their man card. Seriously.
Section 39: No man shall go back on a bet once hands have shaken No woman should either.
Section 40: No bubble baths, unless accompanied by a woman. Not even if it's Star Wars bubble bath? Yeah I guess no guy should do this alone under any circumstances.
Section 41: A man shall not use texts, email, or voicemail to tell off a friend. This must be reminded to many in the Puget Sound as it seems to be the mecca of passive/aggressive mentality.
Section 42: No man shall ever watch a Richard Simmons workout video. I'm still shocked this guy has a career.
Section 44: No man shall ever listen to Fall Out Boy I'll take it as a blessing that I can't name one of their songs.
Section 45: No man shall rub or pat another mans knee. Indeed.
Section 46: If you are the first person through the door, hold it for the people behind you. It shocks me that this has to be said, but it does.
Section 47: Never hit a woman. Sometimes the obvious needs to be stated. Bullshit. If a woman comes at me with a knife, or any deadly weapon for that matter, they can expect to be punched, kicked, thrown, choked, etc until I'm in a reasonable sense of safety. Sorry ladies, but if you don't want to get hit don't enter the arena of combat.
Section 48: No man shall bum more then 3 cigarettes from any other man before getting him back. Again a good call.
Section 49: When offered greens, don't burn more then half of the greens, so the on deck hitter can also enjoy some. Don't smoke it, so I don't have to worry about breaking this.
Well I've broken some on this list so I guess I'll have to make up for it by hunting bear armed only with a Swiss Army knife.
"Faced with the reality that some men do not find these truths to be self evident. We, the men of the men's room, in order to provide guidance, establish order, and insure proper etiquette. Do hereby submit," - The Men's Room