Tendo

A couple weeks ago I did the unthinkable. No I didn't commit a felony involving abuse of the elderly nor did I go so far as to buy a copy of 'Going Rogue', but I did sit and try to watch Twilight part 1.

I'll try and let you absorb that.

My friend asked if I was in any way curious to see it and I'll admit I was. The huge phenomenon cannot go unnoticed and I wondered what all the hype was about. She threw in the movie and we started to watch it.

And it was bad.

Really bad.

So bad I was waiting for the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys to pop up at the bottom of the screen and start making jokes.

Now I'm sure you're thinking I'm just being a cynic by ripping on a movie designed for teen girls, but yet seem to be embraced by a large number of adults. You'd be wrong and let me tell you why.

I like a good kids movie. I'm such a fan of film that I can watch a film and even if the plot is uninteresting or even corny I can still enjoy it as long as the aesthetics are good. There are many movies I own that I'll sit and watch again because of that fact and even though I'm not the target audience the filmmakers had in mind I'll appreciate the art.

This film failed in every respect.

First we'll start with the production. The cinematography was so sloppy it was almost unwatchable. The editor tried to cover up the flaws, but it was a valiant attempt at best. I've seen better acting on a CW drama, but in defense of the cast the dialogue was so horrific Brando would've had a tough time. Some of them were really struggling to deliver such banal lines. Don't get me started on the soundtrack.

Now to the plot. The main character, Bella, is so unlikeable I was shocked anyone wanted to befriend her. Even though she is unpleasant, selfish, and largely uninteresting for some reason the kids in the story wanted her around. The love affair with the Edward, the vampire, and her was written so poorly and moved at a snail's pace.

While I'm on the subject of the love story, does anyone else out there find it incredibly creepy that a guy over a century old is in love with a teenager? Seriously. If I told you I was into someone who still went to high school you'd say I should be locked up and/or shot in the face, but a guy over double my age cruising the teeny bopper set is somehow okay. I couldn't help but think that Chris Hansen should ask Edward to have a seat over there.

I can't go much more into this review as I fell asleep at the start of the third act. Yes I was that bored that I have no interest in finishing the story at all. The movie got off to a horrible start and kept getting worse. Paper thin characters, terrible craftsmanship, and not a single scare from the antagonists who never were much of a presence anyways. I don't care about the sparkly crap that vampire enthusiasts rant about. They're fictional anyways and really given all the movie's flaws messing with the Dracula legend is the least annoying aspect.

There are many things about pop culture that suck, but I can understand the phenomenon especially with kids. They still have yet to complete their education in the humanities, but still I find it insulting to them that studio executives decided to not even bother making a good film for our nation's youth. They assume them to be mindless so art be damned. They made this movie on a seemingly low budget and cashed in so they could continue their daily habits of snorting coke off a high priced hooker's abs.

Again I don't fault the kids, but adults who are into this crap have really set back the arts for children. By supporting this nonsense we have succeed in insuring the nation's youth will accept things that suck. I'm against this.

"A disappointingly anemic tale of forbidden love that should satiate the pre-converted but will bewilder and underwhelm viewers who haven't devoured Stephenie Meyer's bestselling juvie chick-lit franchise." - Justin Chang