Vote and be sexy.

This morning the Pretty Girl and I will be flying out to North Carolina to attend a wedding. Considering I'll just be getting off work in a few hours this will make a long flight indeed. I won't be submitting a mindless rambling on Friday so I hope this useless post will hold you over.

With the upcoming mid-term elections many parties are scrambling to get their voter base to come to the polls and some are using interesting methods. Women's Voices, a voters advocacy group, are trying to get the 20 million single ladies who didn't vote last election out to the polls with a series of ads that use a tried and true method of advertising and that is...sex.

Yes you read that right. Shameless self promoting rappers threatening to kill you if you didn't cast your ballot wasn't enough so suggestive ads seem to be the new thing.

The PSAs even have Hollywood starlets claiming voting is 'pretty' and 'sexy'. Now I encourage you all to vote this November, but voting is so not sexy. Walking into a high school gym with a bunch of geriatrics operating the booths does not put me in the mood. If it did I think therapy would be in order.

This is not as stupid as P Diddy's 'Vote or Die' campaign, but I'm afraid no one will buy into it. What would bring women out to the polls though? Sexy men dressed in firefighter outfits? Political talking head shows that specifically target women? Oprah?

How about decent female candidates with a strong grasp on the issues? One who will do a better job of connecting with women than the oversexed sleazy men currently occuping Congress? Why can't either party offer that at least?

I kind of want to show up on November 7th wearing S&M garb. After CPR is admitted to all that have been traumatized by that the cops will ask why I decided that was appropriate attire. I of course will respond that I simply was told that voting was good for the libido.

"20 million women on their own can make a difference. Unmarried women across America are getting the job done, but it isn't easy. But they have the power to make a difference. There are 20 million women who did not vote in 2004, and when they take part in the next election, they can change history." - Statement from Women's Voices website.

Curtains Drawn, It Was Love At First Ballot

Marvel joins forces with...Guiding Light?

I'm not a big television watcher in the conventional sense. While I do watch my share of news, documentaries, and football I've never sat down and watched much fictional shows. Hits such as Lost and Grey's Anatomy have flown under my radar and I've finally discovered the short lived series Firefly, which is a great show BTW.

Soaps are the least appealing to me. I don't understand why people tune into them as they're horribly acted and the plots are ludicrous at best. This is partially a product of my youth as I would flip through channels and if for whatever reason I landed on a soap opera I would hear a loud yell from my folks.

"Turn that off!!!" one of them would scream. Given their pitch you would think I would be watching midget porn.

"Why?" I would always ask.

"It's stupid," they would say.

That's the only explanation they would give. One day when I was home alone I tuned into a soap opera and realized they were indeed correct.

It's been years since I've seen a soap or opened up a Marvel comic. What do the two have to do with each other you say? Well I'm glad you asked.

In a stunning display of entertainment executive stupidity Marvel has teamed up with the studio who crafts 'Guiding Light' to write in a superhero in it's story line. Yes the soap opera normally known for bringing you such odd plot twists as evil twins will now have a crime fighting hero with supernatural powers.

"Joining forces with Marvel is such a natural fit for us because comic books and soap operas have so much in common," says Guiding Light writer David Kreizman. I guess he's somewhat correct in the fact that they have ongoing characters with never ending storylines and a fanbase that treats each form of entertainment almost as a religion.

I don't know any soap opera watchers, but I can't imagine any of them wanting this to happen. What daytime television viewer is interested in comics and vice versa? Do they really think this will work? Now I'm no television executive and don't know anything about comics, but this being a 'natural fit'? This seems about as natural as Hello Kitty in a David Lynch film.

Think I'm kidding? Check out the trailer at the link below:

A New Hero Rises Out of Daytime TV

"This is just one more way that we're trying to reach out beyond our usual audience in an effort to expose those who don't know anything about the greatness of comics and hopefully come back with a few new converts. And hopefully some of our fans will find themselves with a new habit as well--Guiding Light!" - Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada

Shopping.

"You'd be a perfect canidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy." I can't count how many times I heard that line during the time that miserable show was all the rage.

I hate clothes shopping. I can't think of a bigger chore than to browse aisles for the perfect article of clothing and drop a wad of dough for overpriced goods.

Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble to pick up a birthday gift for my friend Corey. Afterwards I headed to the Bellevue Square Mall which is the yuppiest place in one of the yuppiest towns in America.

See I'm going to a wedding this weekend and was told that since it's an evening ceremony that suits are all but mandatory, therefore a trip to the mall seemed necessary. Whoever made that rule need to burn in hell while being subjected to the sounds of System of a Down for eternity.

I walk into the mall and notice that I'm not quite dressed to be browsing in yuppie land. Here I am unshorn, wearing a Guinness hat and a Harley t-shirt looking at suit jackets. Yeah it's not the best look, but it got some interesting reactions from the sales people.

I was looking through the rack at one store when a salesman approached me.

"Looking for a suit?" he asked.

"I am indeed," I replied.

"For a job interview?" he said.

I would normally take offence to that, but I guess on first impression I did seem like I haven't seen a regular paycheck in a few months and I browse lots of porn while blaring pro wrestling on the TV.

"No," I said. "Honestly I am employed. I'm looking for something for an evening wedding."

"Ahh yes," he said. "A suit is appropriate for a late wedding."

"So I've heard."

He looked me over..again..and decided I needed assistance.

"Do you need help finding anything?"

"Not really. I'm looking for something similar to my last suit."

"You wear suits?"

He seemed really surprised by this.

"Yes I...ah fuck it. I'll just come back with my girlfriend. She has a good idea of what looks good on me."

"Have a good day sir," he said smugly.

It took all I had not to punch him in the eye.

"People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through." - Ricky Gervais

Wiwille's greatest hits!

I'm feeling kind of tired tonight as the landscapers showed up and disturbed my slumber on an hourly basis. That and the fact I had some strange dreams I'm having a difficult time just staying awake.

Trying to come up with something to write about tonight became a real chore so I decided to browse my own blog for a change. I thought I'd put up a compilation of my posts that people either seem to enjoy the most. Yes it's Wiwille's greatest hits coming to you from the rainy northwest for a limited time only.

It's fun to look back and see how far I've come as a writer this past year, which isn't very far at all really. Travel down memory lane with me as we view my over opinionated rants.

Interesting conversations with random strangers: Some girl defined my life by going through my grocery cart.

From the land of sky blue waters...: My review of the first beer I ever drank.

I'm not a big Harry Potter fan and that doesn't make me a bad person: My humble opinion on the Harry Potter craze.

Makes the cartoon Dennis seem pretty mild: I outline my experience as a camp counselor watching over Lucifer's child.

UNICEF not so smurfy. I say smurf off: I comment about a UNICEF ad depicting Smurfs being bombed. This post was also quoted in Time magazine.

Miserable corp speak: I go off about terms like 'action item'.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday...: I chronicle my worst date ever.

Damn I'm random: Here I am giving soundbyte synopsis about the writers on my blogroll.

MySpace vs Blogger users: So much fun being poked at MySpace users expense.

Sexymonica: This seems to be everyone's favorite as I make fun of a MySpace friend request that I found odd.

"Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel." - Renata Adler

Parental Control

Here tonight on my lunch break I saw something truly horrendous. No I was not witness to a violent crime, but something that most consider worse and that is a MTV reality show. Yes the network that brings you 24x7 suckage was broadcasting a dating show of sorts called 'Parental Control'.

I was sitting in the break room eating my Campbells soup when one of the Ukranian janitors flipped the channel to the program. She asked if it was okay that she watched this and me being the nice guy I am said okay.

She owes me. Owes me huge. I'm talking about a steak dinner at Daniel's with a Playmate kind of owe me.

After watching that drek I contemplated giving myself a frontal lobotomy. Now I would normally sit here and give a description of the abomination I saw, but I am now to dumb to complete a reasoned analysis. Right now I make Corky look like a Mensa scholar. Don't be surprised if my post tomorrow is about how I lost teeth while trying to eat a bowl of rocks for breakfast.

"I think MTV put a huge dent in the songwriting craft." - Christopher Cross

More bizarre encounters with strangers in Vegas.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Let's go find a place to eat," he answered. "Preferably a place with TVs so we can watch the Dallas game."

Corey and I were just checking out of the resort and we had ten hours to kill before we got on the plane. There was a sports bar a block away from us so we decided to go get some breakfast while we watch his favorite quarterback Drew Bledsoe.

We enter the place without incident. It was a small place with five television screens where you could sit at the bar and play video poker. Corey and I sat and ate while we awaited the game to start watching the screens to get an update on how other teams were doing around the NFL.

The Dallas game was to be one filled with high drama as prima donna Terrell Owens was facing his former teammates who he trash talked on a regular basis. We were excited to watch this grudge match.

Finally the opening kickoff came and the game was underway. We heard loud talking and cackling from the end of the bar, but we paid it little mind.

Then one of the cacklers decided it would be a great idea to move down and sit right next to me.

"Are you a Dallas fan?" she asked. She looked like a worn out version of the hot girl in high school. She was a small framed gal who was maybe in her mid thirties with a face that revealed hard living was her specialty.

"I'm a Drew Bledsoe fan," I replied. "But I could really care less. This should be a good game."

"My mother's from Dallas," she said. "We always rooted for the Cowboys."

"Really? That's cool."

"Yeah. Where are you from?"

"Seattle."

"Cool. I hear it's nice."

"It is."

The conversation halted as I watched the game. Corey and I discussed the play of the lineman and secondary as well as the scores from around the league.

Then hard living lady decided she needed to talk to me more.

"I just got off work a few hours ago," she said.

"That's nice," I replied showing minimal interest. "Where do you work?"

"I'm a bartender at the Excalibur."

"Cool. You like it there?"

You would think I would know better than to ask such questions instead of ignoring the person.

"Hell no," she said angrily. "I just got written up for going to the bathroom."

It was obvious to me by now the woman was drunk as hell as her speech became slurred and she would use her hands a lot when she talked. What's worse is that she was so animated in her intoxicated sign language that she would hit me in the arm constantly and then apologize for it.

She went on and on about how her work sucks, how her supervisors are corrupt, and how she's having a hell of a time holding down two jobs. I listened somewhat never taking my eyes off the TV and only responding when asked a question. She then got up to use the restroom.

"Who's your new friend Erik?" Corey asked.

"Smartass," I said.

I was hoping the woman would come back and head back to her original party. Luck was not with me that day for she sat down right next to me again and threw a twenty into the video poker machine.

Ye gods.

She rambled more about her work until I heard something that floored me.

"My son is missing," she said in a rather nonchalant manner.

"Wha...what?" I said finally making eye contact with her. "Your son is missing?"

"Yeah," she said. "I guess he didn't come home last night. I've been trying to call him. He's fifteen and uncontrollable. I'm really worried though."

Yes her hands kept hitting me in the arm again.

"So you need to look for your son," I stated. "But you feel your solution is to sit at a bar and drink?"

"Yeah," she said sheepishly. "Maybe I should call the police...Hey I just won 500 dollars. Whoo hoo!"

Sure enough I look at her video poker screen and indeed she won that sum. She hooted and hollered as people around the bar cheered her. I congratulate her, shake my head, and look up at the screen only to find Drew Bledsoe throwing an interception, the first of three that day.

Times like these make me want to embrace atheism.

Corey decided that he wanted to leave as he couldn't handle seeing his beloved Bledsoe do so poorly, which is often. While the gal was occupied collecting her money we bolted out of there and found a cab.

"Man," Corey said. "That woman seemed like a crack whore."

"Yeah," I said. "I don't think life's been to pleasant for her."

As the cab drove down the strip I wondered about the gal and the many like her. Vegas promises everything. You can have a piece of the American dream. You can drink like there's no tomorrow, have beautiful women approach you and sit on your lap, and you can play cards with the best in the business. Sin is Vegas' business and business is good.

It is people like her that are the backbones of the facade. Behind the stucco and anamitronic playground there are thousands of working class folk that help deliver the dream. She serves alcohol and flirts with the tourists and constantly sells the idea that everyone on the strip loves you when in reality they just want your pocket book. She probably gets hit on all the time at her job. Now here she was at some bar way up the strip wanting nothing more than a little attention from two guys who were none too willing to give any back.

I feel sorry for her.

"Vegas is everything that's right with America. You can do whatever you want, 24 hours a day. They've effectively legalized everything there." - Drew Carey

Mike Tyson World Tour complete with misogyny!

For those of you sick of hearing about politics on my blog do not despair. I bring to you a sprinkle of celebrity culture that I know you all enjoy, well at least in secret.

As I've said before it's been a fascinating if not bizarre campaign season riddled with sexual deviancy, crazy fanatic rhetoric, and now disgraced athletes.

Connoisseur of human flesh Mike Tyson has been campaigning for Michael Steele. Yes apparently being a convicted rapist is not so bad in some circles.

Iron Mike goes on to say that he's launching a world tour which will be a series of four round bouts with various opponents. He expressed his desire to fight a woman, namely boxer Ann Wolfe. With a 21-1 record she's definitely been a dominant fighter; however I don't wish Mike Tyson on anybody. Thankfully Wolfe's camp seems uninterested in being part of this carnival act.

Recently there's been a lot of discussion about female vs males in the ring and some matches have resulted in a champ (women) vs chump (men) fight. For some reason placing champion women in the ring with men who shouldn't put on the gloves is supposed to empower them. Yeah I don't get why either, but maybe, just maybe Tyson is looking to bring female boxing to a level beyond that of the pathetic WNBA. Yeah wishful thinking I know. That's what I get for analyzing the mind of a madman.

Everyone who doesn't hate Tyson should. He ruined heavyweight boxing for me and..well...the idiot friggin raped some body. That and he bites people, acts like an ass every time a camera is shoved on him, and he blames all his misfortunes on everyone but himself. I just wish he would go away, but sadly politics has given him another avenue into the public eye.

Some wonder why I'm so interested in public discourse and sometimes I don't have a good answer.

"My biggest weakness is my sensitivity. I am too sensitive a person." - Mike Tyson

Tyson serious about fighting women on 'World Tour'

No nudity in Fantastic Four part 2?

I'm sad to report that Jessica Alba claims she will never pose nude in a film. I'm dishearten by this as I've always believed her nudity could solve world hunger. I believe that there's nothing Jessica Alba's body can't do such as provide a good home for all disenfranchised orphans, finding a cure for the common cold, and end the career of Wolfmother. Yes it's not really that I want to see her naked for my own perverted reasons, but for the sake of humanity.

Well I guess it's not so bad. Jessica's refusal to get naked on celluloid isn't the worst thing that's happened to cinema. Kicking and screaming I will accept this.

Actually I think I have a great plan. I will get naked on screen as much as humanly possible and the only way I'll stop is if she renegs her plans to never disrobe. Yep my cunning plan is to star in every film that comes out and in the third act I will drop trou and twirl my manhood around like a tassel. Yes it's blackmail and I'm not above that. Now if only I were an actor with any shot at Hollywood stardom this just might work.

For those of you grossed out by the thought of me showing my ass on film just bear with me, cause after all I'm doing it for the good the world community.

"I don't do nudity. I just don't. Maybe that makes me a bad actress. Maybe I won't get hired in some things. But I have too much anxiety." - Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba: I'll never strip

There's always next year.

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day and like you I was completely unaware. I'm not sure what the day's significance is, although reading about it it seems that the Human Rights Campaign started the day as a celebration of alternative lifestyles.

Gee I didn't come out of the closet yesterday. Was I supposed to? Is not expressing your deep seeded obsession for man on man loving on Oct 11th sort of like not wearing green on St Patrick's Day? Instead of a pinch you just get dry anal? Was I supposed to buy a Clay Aiken album or read Gore Vidal?

Okay that was a little gross. Time to look at pictures of Sophia Loren circa 'Boy on a Dolphin'.

"I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people." - Richard Simmons

Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.

Well I'm back from the bachelor party in Vegas. Good times were had by all. McNutty was on his best behavior, well for the most part, and everyone enjoyed their trip down to the desert. As promised I will list a few details, but there will be those moments that'll definitely stay in the city of lights. Yes like a mafioso's corpse I will remain silent about such events.

First off I got off of work and headed to Seatac airport. As I made it through the long security line I decided to go get a beer near my gate. I sat at a small table and next to me were six guys. All of them were about early forties and seemed like middle management sales people who probably breezed through college on cliff notes. I overheard them discussing their upcoming trip into Vegas reminding each other how their wives are going to divorce them if they find out about the debauchery that will ensue.

One turned to me and asked me if I was going to the same destination. I said yes and told them I was going to a bachelor party. Their eyes got big and they were quick to recommend a few places. I half heartedly thanked them, finished my beer, and headed to the gate.

The gate was packed so I leaned up against the wall and started reading my book. The cheesy sales rep managers types stood next to me and started chatting it up. One volunteered that they were going because none of them have ever had a bachelor party so they told their wives they were going on a trip to Colorado for some golfing and fishing. Yeah I imagined this ending badly once the credit card bills came to the door.

A hot girl walked by and the guy next to me whistled at her. Yes in true construction worker like manner he gave her a whistle. She stopped, looked at me, tilted her head and smiled and waved. Then she walked off.

I stood there with my jaw dropped. The guy who did the whistling got real upset.

"What the...," he said very confused. "You didn't even do it? Why'd she look at you?"

"Probably cause I'm so damn good looking," I said.

He wasn't amused.

"Fuck that," he replied. "That girl's just a skank blah blah blah blah..."

I decided to go back to reading my book.

The night of the bachelor party was a hoot as you might imagine. After the festivities McNutty and his friend Lenny decided they wanted to go eat. Everyone else wanted to go back to the resort, but I decided to go with them as I was feeling adventurous.

We walked into the Monte Carlo and Lenny made a dash for the poker room. McNutty and I walked to a cafe and sat and ate. Three girls sat next to us and McNutty started a conversation with them. I wasn't paying attention really until I heard on of the girls say "Okay that was really rude. We're leaving now."

"See ya," said McNutty.

The girl gave him a dirty look. She looked at me and said, "We're going to play Pai Gow."

McNutty just couldn't let it go.

"He doesn't care," he yelled.

Ye gods. I had no earthly idea what he said, nor would he tell me. He stated that he thought they were fat anyways and he wanted nothing to do with them.

I felt bad for the girls. Here they were trying to get some attention in the city that's known for giving it at the drop of a hat and here some dipshit felt it was a great idea to openly mock them. Plus they weren't fat. They looked liked they were in their mid 30s having a girls trip away from their inattentive slobs of husbands.

McNutty and I chatted for a while and I decided to make my leave. As I was walking out of the Monte Carlo I saw the girls playing Pai Gow. I walked up to them and apologized if my buddy insulted them.

"Oh it's okay sweetie," the loudest of the bunch said. "You shouldn't be hanging with him anyways."

"He's an okay guy. Just drunk," I said. "Anyways good luck."

"Why don't you hang out with us?" another girl said.

"I shouldn't," I replied.

"Awww you've got a girl back home," she said.

"Yeah I do."

"Well isn't she the lucky girl," she stated. Yeah she was indeed really drunk.

"If you saw her you'd know it's I who am the lucky one," I said. "Thanks anyways kid. Take care." I walked out.

It was about 2am outside on the strip. I thought it would be a swell idea to venture out on my own, to soak in the atmosphere and observe what it is we love about sin city. I wanted to see something I don't see in Seattle. I didn't have to walk far.

A girl came walking past me screaming into her cell phone. She was an attractive gal, but she seemed really upset. Her conversation went like this:

"You need to get me a fucking cab...no I have no idea where the fuck I'm at...some guy just hit me in the face..yes...fucking hit me...you need to get me a fucking cab...oh fuck you I'm drunk...you fucker I'm coming down there to whoop some..."

I glanced over at her. She wouldn't look at me. A couple walked next to me on the other side.

"Ahh vegas drama," the guy said.

"Yes gotta love it," I said.

"Wanna hear something funny?" his girlfriend asked.

"Sure," I said.

"We're married," she replied.

"And that's funny why?" I asked.

"We're not married to each other," she stated.

"I see."

"Nah man you got it all wrong," the guy said. "My wife has been fucking her husband. We decided to come down and here and spend the weekend just getting fucking crazy."

"How's the working out for you?"

"So far so good my friend," he said as he threw his arm around his companion in adultery giving me a wink. She got embarrassed and they walked off.

I walked down the strip some more and witnessed people yelling, drinking, and having a good time. Three girls approached me with clipboards in hand and asked if I would do a survey.

"What for?" I asked.

"See we're doing a study on sexual habits in Las Vegas," she said. "We want to ask male tourists about what their sexual expectations are and how many get fulfilled."

"Well I did come down here for a bachelor party," I said. "But really I don't expect to be getting any on this trip."

"Still do you mind taking the survey?" one of the girls asked.

"Sure," I said. "Fire away."

She asked me all sorts of questions. Some of the highlights that are obviously paraphrased are:

1. Did you travel to Las Vegas with the express intent of having sex?

2. Did you bring any form of birth control?

3. If you have a female significant other did you come here to engage in homosexual sex?

4. Does your girlfriend/wife allow you to perform anal and/or oral on her? If not do you hope to achieve that with a girl or guy in Las Vegas?

5. Did you bring drugs with you? If so what kind? Did you bring them with the intent of enhancing the sexual experience? Do you hope to give them to a girl in the hopes that she will sleep with you? Do you plan to bargain sexual favors with them?

6. Do you plan to use the services of a prostitute?

Sounds like Scott's Freaky Friday questions.

The last day Corey and I went souvenir shopping for our girls back home. The Pretty Girl attended the University of South Carolina which has a rooster for a mascot and is called 'Gamecock'. I'm not kidding.

We went into a souvenir shop where Corey wanted to get a t-shirt made for his gal. I saw a design that said "I love" and had a picture of a rooster on it. I decided that given the fact that the Pretty Girl had an appropriate alumni that I would get the t-shirt. I asked the guy about it and his face lit up and got really friendly. I was somewhat confused by this until I then noticed his pink shirt that said 'Hot Boy' and he was blaring Madonna.

I don't think he believed me when I said I was buying it for my girlfriend.

Whew. I should probably wrap this up. There is far more to tell though.

I came home at 3 in the morning. The Pretty Girl came and picked me up from the airport. After not seeing her for about a week she looked more lovely than I've ever seen her. Coming home was indeed the best part of this trip.

"And that, I think, was the handle — that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting — on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. . . .So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back." - Hunter S Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

What happens in Vegas stays in...well...it'll probably end up on my blog.

Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to Vegas for a bachelor party. While this might seem cool to most I'm a little apprehensive about this trip.

See most bachelor parties are known for consuming lots of alcohol, eating bad food, and looking at scantily clad (if that) women. Good, clean, wholesome fun for the entire family. This party has a variable that may make my trip fraught with peril.

That variable being the bachelor, a man I call McNutty. McNutty is a longtime companion of my best friend Corey and the two have been buddies since childhood. McNutty is not known for his social graces nor his mental stability. He has a tendency to go completely bat shit at the drop of a hat. Yes I am surprised someone will actually marry this guy.

Corey asked me if I wanted to attend this bachelor party to give him support in case McNutty lives up to his nickname. Being the good friend, i.e. dumbass, that I am I decided to be there for my friend as he is not the fighting type. Far from it actually. Corey often states if he ever goes fisticuffs his only strategy is to 'kick em in the nuts and run like hell.'

Not a bad strategy when you think about it.

Regardless I think Corey wants just my presence there to be a constant reminder to ol McNutty that if he goes out of his tree and attacks someone it better not be my friend. He may also feel that if I'm there and things go awry him and I can take off from the shindig and still have a good time.

I've met McNutty on many occasions and he's always been a pleasant chap if not somewhat annoying. I don't think anything will happen, but with him around excitement will linger.

Consequently I won't be posting tomorrow night. I may do another post tonight since it's slow here at work. I do hope my next post won't be from jail.

Wish me luck folks.

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up." - Hunter S Thompson

Now this is a platform.

This mid-term election has seen it's share of high drama. Some are just unusual political ploys, such as Lieberman's run as an independent, and some are just freaking sick, such as Mark Foley talking dirty to minors. There are others of course such as the crazy antics of Katherine Harris and Mike Arcuri's taxpayer funded phone sex calls.

Republican State Assembly candidate Chris Migliaccio has brought an interesting platform to his campaign that may seem unorthodox, but his passion has to be praised. What is it you say? Get to the point you rambling lunatic you might think? Okay here you go.

Mr Migliaccio wants our public educators to teach masturbation. Yes much like the once disgraced Surgeon General he believes that it would be a good idea to have a teacher describe to your children how to pleasure themselves. His main argument is: "You are less stressed and a generally happy person and less aggressive when you masturbate on some sort of regular basis."

Maybee so. He does go on to state that masturbationn will leave people less desperate for sex and therefore may not engage in activity that may be physically or emotionally harmful. He actually talks about the dangers of using vasalinee on your pink parts which he feels the schools should point out to the children. Call me a prude, but having a teacher describe to me how to spank it would be scaring enough.

Now since I never engage in the art of pleasuring myself...umm...yeah...anyways I find the point that masturbationn generally makes you happy to be flawed. If that were true men would never be depressed. Ever. My friends would be the happiest people on the planet.

He does make some interesting, if not unrelated, points. He goes on to say: "In high school, only one in ten blowjobs are reciprocated with other oral sex. That's terrible. That suggests that girls are being taught that they ought not get equal rights....Women deserve the same thing. I don't think this is that crazy."

You hear that girls? Demand oral. Do it now I say. Fight for your rights if not for yourself then for womanhood in general.

"Our country talked about masturbation more in December of 1994 than they ever have in the history of the country, and you know, people would think you'd be embarrassed about that. I'm not embarrassed about that." - Joycelyn Elders

A Daily Politics Endorsement: Chris Migliaccio (with video)

Damn I'm random.

A while ago Nhak, one of the five authors of Billy Ocean Student Council Treasurer, posted about an article in Wired a while back. The sarcastic article recreates typical posts from some of the most popular blogs, such as Fark, Daily Kos, and Slashdot. If you are a reader of such blogs I do recommend you take a look.

Since I like using sarcasam at others' expense, including myself, I decided to write what a typical post would look like for the blogs I have listed in my roll. I'm also hurting for a topic to post about and am not above ripping people off.

This is not meant to offend, but to simply have fun. Enjoy:

Blog.As.You.Are: Another detail of my mid-life crisis brought to you in verse.

The Blog: Ate massive amounts of (insert fast food chain here), poked fun at the help, and consumed enough Metamucil that would normally kill a horse. Harrased co-workers with obscure references to (movie, music, inside joke) and made them feel dumb. Posted ego centric photo on various object.

What the Blog?: Another bi-monthly haiku.

The Inexcusable: Republicans and religious fanatics can die in a fire. Oh and I just bought cool stuff and am watching obscure movies that Erik probably hates.

Greg's World: To hell with Blogger. I moved to MySpace.

Caliban's Journal: Just got turned down for another job, but in good news my dating life is still miserable. Oh wait....

Sunburned Feet: We're pregnant and building a house.

Alec's Blog: Republicans are stupid. I'm smart.

Kyle's Blog: Democrats are a bunch of pansies who try to surpress my television viewing habits including a steady diet of Knight Rider and The A-Team.

Yes Sir e Bob: I got a job.

Billy Ocean, Student Council Treasurer: Deja Vu develops stripper pole that generates emission-free energy. Accuse oil companies of conspiring to supress the technology. (youtube video). (submitted by Mattbear on Nhak's post).

Mind Blowing Insanity: My ex-husband/boyfriends are insane. My garbage disposal went haywire and my niece is the most adorable kid on the planet. Enjoy pictures of me in various states of undress.

Accidentalpurposity (Two writers): TracieLacy: Ex-husband/boyfriends are emotionally retarded. My boss sucks and I'm going out for drinks. Alyssa: Co-worker attacked me with lawn dart all the while trying to look down my shirt. Thought of the day is to not wear bright colored underwear while humming pop music and mentally making a list of what makes the perfect guy.

Life is Grand, Love is Real and Beauty is Everywhere!: Please be cultured enough to get the lyric that I posted as the title. Oh and kindly comment about all your most intimate sexual details while I ponder my existence.

There's a Land That I See: Has it been two weeks since I posted? Let me give you an update....

City Soul: I used to be a hot urban party girl. Now I'm a hot suburban soon to be mom.

Rawbean's Rant: (Insert pop culture item) is so inane that I'll illustrate what I'm feeling about it.

Customer Service Hell: A guy wrote into Microsoft claiming Chris Matthews, Dick Cheney, and Eric Roberts have developed mind control techniques and Bill Gates has hired him to assasinte a third world dictator. He also wants to marry a goat.

Waiter Rant: A yuppie complained about the food, seating arrangement, and/or my breath while I make witty yet over-their-head commentary. I got a book deal. Yay me!

Crooks & Liars: All Republicans suck. All Democrats are good. You are less of a person if you don't buy a Dixie Chicks album.

Taegan Goddard's Political Wire: Quote of the day includes politician stating something stupid. Poll numbers indicate....Zogby is God!

Wonkette: Lobbyist caught trying to solicit a 17 year old, posts pictures on MySpace.

OneGoodMove: Religion sucks and to prove that I'll post the opinions of Richard Dawkins, John Stewart, and Stephen Colbert. You cannot argue their logic so to hell with your faith.

The Blank Top Chronicles: Guy calls in for cab and demands white person, rate quote, and oral. I insult them and hang up. Customer never shows up for cab.

Of course I had to opine on mine.

Erik's Ramblings: (Insert picture of hot celebrity) Stripper, who bears a striking resemblance to Scarlette Johansson, is under fire from Muslim extremists for chanting Koran quotes while grinding a pole. I'm so unattractive she probably wouldn't give me a lap dance. Mildly literate rant ensues. (Insert quote by random celebrity/writer/politician/etc).

Ahh that was fun. Any thoughts and/or complaints about how I detailed your blog let me know.

"However, as I read criticisms in the comments and on other blogs about what I write, I have become increasingly sensitive about what I say here." - Joichi Ito

A banner ad that sure is telling.

I was looking at the above banner ad and can honestly say I have no idea who that rapper is. Normally the questions are pretty easy, but I don't know if it's T.I. or Nelly. I've never even heard of T.I.

I do know that it's not Snoop Dogg so I guess I shouldn't feel that old. I still haven't yelled "hey you kids get off my lawn" nor have I ever watched an episode of Mattlock. Still...

“Britney would make a better prostitute than Christina. She's thicker.” - Snoop Dogg.

Yeah, but who sets those boundaries?

As I've indicated before I do read a lot of political blogs that I firmly disagree with. Jamal, author of Opinionated Voice, posted about an interesting topic regarding the BerlinÂ’s Deutsche Opera's cancellation of Mozart's 'Idomeneo' that brought up some great thoughts on the boundaries of free speech.

Just to give a little background I came across Jamal's blog a long time ago when he commented on my post concerning Wafa Sultan's comments on Islam on the Al-Jazeera network. He argued that her position is flawed, plugging his own website in a hyperlink of his comments. While I agree that some of her statements are indeed in error it was far beyond the point I was making about her personal safety as a critic of Islam.

Still Jamal's plug worked in that I went to his website and read his views on how Sultan is ablasphemerr even linking to my post accusing me of being a supporter of her. After reading through other posts I found his statements to be well thought out even though I whole heartedly disagree with a lot of them, but it's intelligent and his candor about his political ideology is refreshing.

I never commented on his posts figuring I wasn't going to change his mind about his positions on Israel, the pope quoting a 400 year old Byzatine document, or free speech. As I stated before though I will bring up a post of his that I found fascinating.

Jamal's comments on the opera house's decision to close the controversial musical are:

"A good decision made, as it is of no benefit to cause offence to the Muslim community and further disrupt the integration/inclusion of Muslims in Europe. It has been argued that "the cancellation is also a dangerous act of self-censorship at odds with the principles of liberal democracy and artistic expression". However, the decision was correct and we must accept that freedom of speech and expression is not without boundaries."

Since the extremist Muslim riots concerning cartoons I've heard many arguments on the supposed boundaries of free speech. While yes I understand that we have limited access to free speech in many areas, such as we can't say we want to kill you-know-who, should this apply to critique or ridicule of theology?

Now let's ponder this. When many people argue that the Danish cartoons were produced in poor taste I would have to agree. I can see where people take offense to having their beloved prophet being mocked. Many people in all religions often refer to their savior as their father. I don't think most people would idly stand and protest if they saw their family being the object of satire.

Regardless of how you can understand the extremists actions violence is no excuse, nor answer, to ridicule. The boundary of free speech should be defined by good taste and personal restraint, not by smashing cars and burning embassies. The lesson the extremist Muslims have learned since the Danish cartoon controversy is that violence has won. Europeans are now to afraid to critique certain politics or faith and fear should never be the driving force behind self censorship.
Religion is much like politics in the fact that both are ideologies and both should be open to criticism and yes even mockery without the fear of violent reprisalsal. Protests and boycotts are reasonable means of countering such speech. A civilized society should not allow this extremism to rule the day when it comes to art, or anything for that matter. People of all faiths should understand this and if they don't then intergration is futile.

BTW in the same post Jamal states:

"Update: Slightly off-topic, but I thought I'd note that Michelle Malkin is reporting on other "critics of Islam under fire" for their slander. But we don't listen to her or read her dodgy links."

Yeah I'm not sure what his point is either considering he does read her blog obviously. Why I don't know since really all she does is post a bunch of links with soundbyte opinions.

Keep on fighting the good fight Jamal.

"Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is." - Gandhi quote ripped off of Jamal's blog.

Eye bleach sold separately.

I like to think I live in a world where simple logic dictates everything. Basic economic principles are true, a common sense of ethics are applicable in most situations, and a strong work ethic will help you achieve at least mild success.

Hearing the news that Dustin Diamond, Screech from 'Saved by the Bell', has released a sex tape involving a threesome and the act of Dirty Sanchez is enough to make me want to become a supervillan and dedicate my life to ending humanity. I could wear a cape. I like capes.

I can understand Pol Pot's rise to power better than I can comprehend how Screech convinced two women to a) sleep with him, b) at the same time, c) film it, and d) involve acts that are revolting to most. If a serious amount of cash wasn't given to the females my nefarious scheme to take over the world will soon take place.

Out of the entire cast why couldn't it be Tiffani Thiessen?





Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

WTF? I'm A. C. Slater? Why God why? And for the record no the chicks they don't love me. They should, but sadly they don't.

"All these child stars grow up and they're knockin' over banks and getting prostitutes. I'm, like, one of the only people I know that has managed to dodge all of that negative crap." - Dustin Diamond

Cowards they are.

Breaking up is never an easy thing to do whether it be you doing the dumping or not. I have found that ending a relationship can be more difficult than being on the receiving end. Most of the time I've ended a relationship, which has been only on a few occasions, things have gone relatively smooth, but there are those occasions that make the whole process nerve racking.

Yes I've had girls that have hurled punches at me, bar themselves in front of her door so I couldn't leave, call me every name in the book, accuse me of wanting to sleep with my friends, trash talk me to my friends, threaten suicide (twice), engage in property damage, bombard my answering machine with insults, prank call me, etc. Yes those moments can make ending a relationship harrowing, but I still feel that appearing in person is always the best method however dangerous it may be.

With technology being so accessible people are bowing out of the old fashion method of breaking the news choosing to inform their significant others in ways that are far less perilous such as email, text messaging, phone, MySpace, etc. A company in Germany has decided to make it so easy to end a relationship that you won't even have to do that even.

Bernd Dressler will do the breaking up for you, for a fee. If you want to no longer speak to your intended ex you simply hire the man to appear in front of them and give them three reasons that you feel the relationship is no longer working out for you. When asked if Bernd has encountered any severe emotional breakdown because of his work he says it's never happened as he's only the messenger.

If someone could not face me and tell me themselves I'd be kind of relieved honestly. Who wants to be with someone so cowardly as to hire someone to do their dirty work for them? Then again I might not have to deal with being assaulted or have 47 messages on my answering machine with an ex hurling all sorts of obscenities, but I'll take the bruises in order to man up.

"After a fifth of vodka and a fifth of whiskey you're still a fucking asshole" - Ex-girlfriend who opined on my cell phone.

Agency makes breaking up easier

Taggedy tag tag.

Scott, author of Life is Grand, Love is Real and Beauty is Everywhere!, has posted a tagalicious survey which I found interesting. Although he didn't tag me directly I thought I'd rip him off and answer questions about how I feel about my blog. Enjoy.

1) Are you happy/satisfied with your blog's content and look?

Eh the content could be better, but overall I'm satisfied with it. The look of my blog is pretty vanilla, but I want the content to speak rather than the visuals.

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Some do yes.

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog?

Nah. Funny is that most of them don't read it. I actually am more embarrassed to know that some of my family reads this.

4) Did blogging cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Interesting question. Blogging hasn't changed my opinion on much other than the fact that any useless writer can be quoted by the legitimate press (Yeah I still can't get over that).

Blogging, and of course reading blogs, have changed my opinion on the power of the written word and it's affect on our ever changing media. For good or for ill we simple folk do have influence amongst millions simply by hitting the "publish post" button. While my blog is not powerful by any means, nor do I intend it to be, I do think people should understand the possible consequences of soliciting your opinions.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or do you love to go and discover more by yourself?

I visit a log of blogs that have nothing to do with mine, although I do make an effort to visit those who comment on my posts, all two of them.

6) What does a visitor counter mean to you? Do you like having one on your blog?

I find having a counter is hilarious. It's always funny to see how people come across my blog, especially those who google search for porn or boobies. Poor disapointed souls they are.

7) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

Every blogger on my blog roll is hot. The women look like circa 1950s pin up models and the guys are blessed with adonis like builds.

Actually I don't know what most of them look like, but still I imagine that all of them are drop dead gorgeous. I'm pretty shallow.

For a long time I didn't post a picture of myself, until recently. The mystery that is what I look like is over.

8) Admit it. Do you think there is any real benefit in blogging?

Blogging hasn't made me a better person if that's what your asking, but it has been cathartic at times when I post about something I feel passionatley about. The only benefit I can claim is that thirty years from now I can look at this and get to know the man that I once was.

9) Do you think that blogger's society is isolated from the real world or interaction with events?

I don't think so. If we didn't interact there would be almost nothing to post about, or at least the content would be so dry there would be nothing to add to someone's thoughts or opinions. It takes real world experience for real insight.

10) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?

Criticism is always healthy such as the time someone called me a 'closet fag'.

11) Do you fear some political blogs and avoid them?

I get political sometimes on my blog and no I don't fear myself. In fact most of the blogs I read are about politics, whether I agree or disagree with them. It's interesting to hear how widespread the opinion of others can be on any topic however banal they may be.

12) Were you shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I have no idea what you are referring to. If you're talking about people posting about conspiracy to commit a crime, well I'm not that shocked. Yeah I'm surprised people are that dumb, but then again I shouldn't be.

13) What do you think will happen to your blog after you die?

Nothing really. I'm sure the people who read this who don't know me in real life will wonder what happened to me. Then again they may just delete me from their browser favorites and be done with it.

14) What song do you like to hear? What song would you like to link to on your blog?

There are so many songs I like to hear, but I'll never link any of them to my blog. This is Blogger, not MySpace.

15) The next victims?

Ehh nobody in particular. Enjoy it.

Bad movies I love part 14.

I really can't think of why I haven't posted about this movie already. The Karate Kid is really one of those terrible films that strikes a chord in all who've seen it, especially at a tender age.

I still remember watching it in the theatre with my dad. I marveled at the wisdom of the good Mr Miyagi and drooled over the uber hot Elizabeth Shue. I didn't care how much you had to stretch your imagination to believe this simple albeit touching story of a geeky kid who whoops ass on his tormentors, the Karate Kid was the movie to cherish for every young boy.

The Karate Kid is formulaic, corny, and simple, but you simply don't care. The crane kicking wuss made you cheer and yes even you wanted to plant your fist across the evil Johnny's nose. You were sold on the premise alone and really is that such a bad thing? It was after all entertaining and I for one salute the film for not being pretentious. It's a simple sports film centered around the martial arts and there's hardly anything to find offensive about this, unlike many movies in that genre.

Now watching it as an adult you laugh at the ridiculous Cobra-Kai dojo and it's absurd sensei. And yes you really have to turn your brain off to believe that any of the beat downs Daniel suffered would've likely cost him an organ in real life, but every time you hear the line 'sweep the leg' chills hit your spine.

Don't deny your love for this film, embrace it. For those that turn their noses at this review tell me the song below doesn't touch your cold black heart.

I need to switch gears and post about an overrated film soon. Any ideas? Matt?

"Formulaic, manipulative, hokey....and thoroughly rousing.....the film's sincerity and poignance have a way of steamrolling over gaps in plausibility and logic." - Steven D. Greydanus

We fail ourselves.

I was reading an interesting article by Sam Harris, an unapologetic liberal and critic of any and all religions, who wrote about the American and European lefts' disconnect from reality when facing the issue of terrorism and Islamic principles. Nothing is more interesting to me than to see a reasoned analysis of a political ideology made by someone who prescribes to a lot of their beliefs. I suggest you read it if you have any interest in the politics of our current global struggles.

I'm going to take his hypothesis a step further. Even though Harris is targeting liberals, and often times rightfully so, I think the reasons for this can be more simple then what most would expect.

I often discuss politics and religion amongst friends. Some people are uncomfortable talking about these, but most people I acquaint myself with converse about these topics freely and honestly. On some occasions a friend of a friend will show up and throw their two bits in if not add good insight into the dialogue. There is a trend I see though when people discuss religion that I think most of you encounter.

Whenever I ask someone if they believe Islam is a religion of peace most will say yes they believe it to be a respectful and enlightened faith. If I either play devil's advocate or cite a Koran teaching that would lead someone to think otherwise I often get a response along the lines of 'well the Bible has genocide'.

Yes this is true. There are instances in the Old Testament as well as the New that wouldn't paint Christianity in the most positive of light. That being said I don't know what that has to do with Islam being a faith of love and respect. It's almost a knee jerk reaction for some to point out the misdeeds of others rather than explain the pillars of a faith they don't understand.

I question most people in my personal life who are quick to critique or praise the Koran and/or the Bible if they've ever read either. Most have not. This is fascinating to me. Here we are supposed to be living in the age of reason where research is paramount to fact, but most people will be quick to convince themselves and others that they are scholars about books they've never read.

I'll make the simplest analogy I can. I often write about movies. If I posted an arrogant rant about a film only to conclude the rambling with a statement that I've never seen it you'd question my ability to properly critique it, if not my sanity or character.

Now why do people feel compelled to stand up for the faith of Islam while denouncing the actions of a few of their followers even though their illiterate of the Koran? The answer to me is easy. It's romantic to do so.

A good hearted individual feels compelled sometimes to stand up for the underdog at all costs and right now Arab Americans are being subject to acts of prejudice. It would be nice to sit and view Islam as a good natured faith while condemning those who bastardize it's philosophy. We feel like better people when we fight, albeit only through words, for the poor huddled masses that are oppressed by simple minded folk who'd rather judge people by stereotypes rather than the individuals actions or thoughts. I sometimes have a God complex and therefore I can understand such feelings of being a soundbyte hero for those who've been trampled through no fault of their own.

The point is most people of the west don't get Islam, nor do they want to. Every American agrees terrorists are our enemy, but rather than have to pick up a book and try to figure out why the faith of Mohammed is binding most Middle Eastern and Asian terrorist organizations they'd rather marginalize the enemy into simpletons who know no better. Similar to how we view the KKK and NAMBLA we'd rather sit here and pass laws and denounce the followers of Osama as fringe elements then we tune into our televisions and would rather forget about it.

These terrorists are not the rednecks of their region. They're educated, professional, and dedicated to the ideal of impressing a supreme being. Martyrdom and jihad are their weapons, innocents are their prey and shields, and no one is safe if we continue to underestimate what they're capable of.

I implore you to educate yourself not only about Islam, but Christianity and other major faiths as well. They are a driving force in our global politics and to dismiss them as otherwise is dangerously naive.

"Wishful thinking about Islam also runs up against the Koran itself, which shows that Islam offers peace at times but (under defined conditions) gives its adherents a license to kill." - Marvin Olasky

Head-in-the-Sand Liberals

Sissy little prunes.

In my early twenties I lived in a house not to far from the local college with three other people. Two houses down a few friends of mine rented a house and there was yet another home occupied by pals.

Good times were had by all who occupied that street. It was an eclectic group of characters who partied often and fun was had every weekend.

There were four Johns who lived in the various houses. Every John had a nickname to distinguish himself from the rest. The house I was staying at was occupied by one who we called 'Drunk Canadian John'.

Drunk Canadian John was indeed from the country to the north. Hailing from Montreal he exuded a lot of Canadian stereotypes for Americans who've never visited our neighbors. He had a strong build, blonde hair, a tooth missing as the result of a hockey stick, and he loved bad beer. If you ever insulted the quality of his beverage of choice he almost took it personally.

They say stereotypes are based on truths; however I've been across the border many times and I've never met anyone the likes of John.

When I first met John one of the first things he said to me was "I have a lot of bad habits." He wasn't lying.

John was indeed a functional alcoholic. Every night he would buy a case of Kokanee and pound as many as humanly possible until bedtime. When it came time for shut eye John would go out to the porch and light up a bowl. After he was done he would put a dip of chewing tobacco in his lip and then go to bed.

It doesn't stop there.

John would wake up and pour vodka into a flask and nip on it throughout his day at school. When he got home he would then repeat his Kokanee spree. When John was short on cash he would replace the case of beer with boxed wine.

I'm not exaggerating folks. John was a man who didn't have ulcers. He had holes in his stomach.

The funny thing about John was you rarely could tell if he was drunk or not. He never slurred his speech and his motor skills never seemed to suffer. The only way you really could know if John was wasted is that he became loose lipped. For a man who seemed to value political correctness as a fascist ideology things could and often did go awry in social situations.

There are many stories to be told about the man with a cast iron liver, but one always sticks in my brain even after these many years.

Shannon was another roommate of mine. She was an angry girl who fancied herself a mystic of sorts. She would read people with the aid of Tarot cards, believed in spirit guides, and took a keen interest in the paranormal. Shannon also hated men and wore that fact like a badge. Even though she had a strong dislike for the opposite gender she couldn't stop sleeping with them.

One night I'm sitting in the living room watching the news. Shannon bursts into the house and collapses on a chair. Sensing she needed someone to talk to I asked her what was wrong.

"I was at a gas station and two redneck guys hit on me," she said. "I didn't respond at all to them and then they have the gall to get pissed."

She was really upset by this and proceeded to tell stories of how so many men have hit on her and made her feel scared and/or helpless. Since I couldn't relate I imagine I didn't have the best things to say, but I tried to console her.

This went on for a half hour. She would tell a tale of a guy who tried to pick her up and I would sit and nod my head and try to apologize for all men. She didn't buy that all men aren't scum.

Dr Phil I am not.

The living room door flew open and there stood John with a half empty bottle of vodka.

"You know girls don't put out in this town," he yelled. "They're a bunch of sissy little prunes."

I looked at Shannon in horror as John plopped on the couch. He had more to say on this subject.

"When I lived in Montreal I used to get laid," he exclaimed. "I used to get laid no problem. All the time in fact, but girls here they should be putting out more."

He went on to paint a picture of how Montreal was occupied by women who looked like Playmates and got naked on a frequent basis. Shannon nodded her head and smiled wryly at him as he went on about his Canadian conquests.

Enter my other roommate Joe. Joe is a smart fellow with liberal values who at times felt compelled to speak out for the underdog. When he sat in the living room and listened to John's speech of how girls in that town should feel obligated to sleep with men less attractive then they are Joe decided to make his opinion known.

"Yeah," he cried. "I don't get any either."

Shannon got up and announced she was going to bed. I went outside and tried to comprehend the absurdity of the situation that just unfolded. The timing of the incident was like something out of a bad sitcom.

I never did take that road trip to Montreal that Joe and I had planned.

"The Canadian spirit is cautious, observant and critical where the American is assertive." - V. S. Pritchett

Not as happy as I.

Sorry I've been such a downer in my previous posts. I will now switch gears to a topic near and dear to my heart, Scarlett Johansson.

Yes my favorite celebrity crush has something important to say and that is she's happy with the way she looks.

"I'm curvy," she says. "I'm never going to be 5'11' and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I've got."

I for one don't want her to change at all. Let me take that back. If she did suddenly decide to become my Christmas present where I get to spend a week with her as she's dressed in a Wonder Woman outfit I would accept her departure from Hollywood graciously. After all who am I to impede on a woman's' choice?

This useless celebrity gossip brought to you by the letters u-n-i-n-s-p-i-r-e-d.

"I said, 'Women don't normally sleep in a bra. I can't wake up in this scene wearing a bra, it's ridiculous,'" - Scarlett Johansson

Johansson happy with her curvy figure

Fan

The last few days have sucked. Sucked hard.

I look around at all the vultures who make money off our celebrity voyerism and I see our deep rooted commitment to ridiculous amounts of cash and attention to things that don't matter. What's worse is I'm no different really.

I remember having a conversation with a group of friends about the difference between sports fanatics and Trekkies. At the end of debating the subject everyone came to the same conclusion, there is no difference. Some dress in ridiculous outfits, all are under the impression that their vision has a real bearing on the direction of their idol, and most can attest to neglecting some part of their lives to devote more time and energy then necessary to a ball game/television show.

The reality of the perceived gap between lovers of all Roddenberry and people who truly believe that yelling will impact the way a professional plays a game is that the former are geeks and the latter are jocks. Why this is I don't know, nor do I really care honestly.

All are guilty though of neglecting time away from loved ones to worship at the altar of their fandom and I learned this weekend that time and money can be better directed towards the people that love you. Whether I actually put it into practice remains to be seen.

There are some that use their favorite entertainment to connect with people and to them I salute you.

Maybe I'm just rambling because I still can't get over the loss of Kevin and how I never told him how much he meant to me. If only I had spent more time with him.

I want my friend back.

"I've often reflected on this in the past weeks as I've been following the presidential campaign: Very often, I thought it would have been great for both of these guys to sit down and be force-fed a couple of dozen episodes of Star Trek." - Patrick Stewart

Bad movies I love part 13.

Thanks to all who commented on my last post. The past 48 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions concerning the loss of my pal, but reading your kind words have been extremely helpful.

With a service for Kevin coming up I'm taking some time to leave town and attend the event as well as catch up with some mutual friends that I've lost touch with. It's times like these where you realize how time is critical and I need to get some face time with people.

Consequently I won't be posting for a few days; however to tie you over I leave you dear readers with another bad movie that I love.

I was 16 and just started dating my high school sweetheart. She recommended we go see 'Career Opportunities' to which I thought was a terrible idea, but it was early in the relationship and I did not protest. Plus she was really hot. I mean so hot that she shouldn't have been dating a guy who looks like me in the first place. She was young and thankfully didn't know any better.

I remember walking into the theatre and seeing a standee for the film. On it showed Jennifer Connelly sitting atop a moving rocking horse wearing tight black pants and a wife beater. I thought to myself that this could be something I would enjoy.

I underestimated how much I would find this a guilty pleasure. The movie stars Frank Whaley as a self obsessed slacker who lands a job as a graveyard janitor for a local Target. His boss locks him in the store to perform his duties. Later on in the night he comes across Jennifer Connelly who plays a spoiled rich girl trying to shoplift from the department store. Apparently she hid out in the dressing room long enough to be stuck with Frank for the night.

Frank and Jennifer were once high school classmates. One being the nerd the other being the princess. Upon there adventures in consumer land the unlikely pair find themselves drawn to each other. Of course they come across bumbling burglars and hijinks ensue.

I really enjoyed this film. For a John Hughes penned movie the dialogue fealt real enough as well as the chemistry between the two leads. Every young male teen had that seemingly unobtainable crush and this film pulled at our heartstrings and made us root for Whaley.

Then of course there's Jennifer Connelly. When the two decided to roller skate around Target with her sporting that white tank top I instantly made a declaration, albeit silently considering my girlfriend was sitting next to me. The adolescent fantasy torch had firmly been passed from Natalie Wood to Grace Kelly to Alyssa Milano and now unto the wondrous Jennifer Connelly. From then on I worshiped at the altar of Jennifer. That is until she lost all that weight.

My girlfriend and I left the theatre and for a while neither of us asked what each other thought. I think she was afraid to hear my answer. Finally I asked her how she liked the film.

"I couldn't believe it," she said. "She just ran around showing off her boobs."

"Yeah," I replied. "She certainly di...I mean that's terrible."

I was on the receiving end of a quick jab to the arm. I don't think I even got a kiss goodnight that evening, but watching that film was all worth it.

"Paper-thin premise entertains thanks to a game Whaley and a luminous Connelly." - Scott Weinberg

Goodbye my friend.

A few hours ago my friend's brother Jimmy called with terrible news. My buddy Kevin passed away this weekend.

I met my friend at a job years ago. He used to read a lot in the break room sitting by himself and not really socializing. I sat across from him one day and asked him about the book he was reading. From then on a friendship ensued.

Kevin stood out because of his mannerisms. He talked slow and walked with a large limp as the result of a car accident that gave him extreme brain trauma and a shattered hip. Daily life could be a chore for him, but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for himself he made a concerted effort to live a normal life as much as humanly possible. He worked, went to the gym, he went out, he laughed with us, and partied with us.

He may have been disabled, but he had strength that most of us could only wish for. His humor and his thirst for knowledge always kept him trying to conquer his disability, but it wasn't his handicap that I'll remember him for.

I don't know what he saw in me as a friend, but for years to come I can only wish that I touched his life as much as his touched mine. I'd like to think that now he's found some true sense of happiness, some that we all wish we can achieve.

He was a brother, an uncle, a son, and my friend. As the sun set on his life I do pray that he could look back and say it was a good one because of the people that loved him.

Goodbye Kev. You will be missed.

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." - Mark Twain

They did it.

I seem to be jumping the bandwagon of bloggers who are posting about the fifth anniversary of 9/11, but I figured it would be nice to write down my thoughts if only for myself. The remembrance of that day is slowly going fuzzier with age and I pray I won't forget the feeling that the events brought me.

I was in my normal before work routine of eating breakfast. I flipped on the news and I saw the billowing smoke coming from the World Trade Center. My then girlfriend came out of the room and I looked at her.

"They did it," I proclaimed. "They finally did it."

"Did what?" she asked.

"Terrorists struck two planes into the World Trade Center. We're under attack."

She didn't say anything. She looked at the television and watched with confusion.

It took me forever to realize why my first words were 'they did it, they finally did it.' I then recalled a conversation back in the late 90s with my friends Corey and Joe. We discussed one of our most loved political subjects and that is Israel. The conversation then went into terrorism and unto Osama Bin Laden. We were unsure at the time if Osama was a real threat, but all of us agreed that soon terrorism would be at our front door steps and it would be larger than the embassy and USS Cole combined.

We had no idea just how massive it would become.

The phone range. It was Corey.

"Hey are you watching the news?" he said.

"Yeah," I replied.

"The shit is going down," he observed.

"It sure is," I said. "I'm going to call the folks. They don't have television."

"Tell em I said hi."

"Will do. I'll be online soon. If I hear any more news I'll send it to you."

"Same here."

I called the folks and updated them on what I knew at the time. Mom tried to make some reasonable explanation about why our country was under attack, inciting what she believes is our country's lack of godliness.

I was annoyed. Here I was calling her about a terrible situation and she had to go Pat Robertson on me. I could've have asked why Amsterdam gets a free pass, but really I didn't want to argue and just let it go. People all have their way of coping with tragedy and I just as well let her have her's.

I left for work shortly thereafter. I was tuned into the radio when the news announced the first tower collapsed. After I got to work the second tower then plunged to the earth taking numerous lives with them.

I got inside the building and people were talking over each other about what just happened. I sat at my cube and was being bombarded by IMs with news about the Pentagon and Flight 93. My inbox was flooded from friends I haven't heard from in years wondering what my thoughts were on the whole mess.

As one could imagine the phone volume was really dead that day. Then after being at my cube for hours without a call the phone rang. It was a customer who was having trouble with her word processing software. She was angry about her support options and hung up on me. I wasn't all that polite given what was going on and she took the time to call in and bitch about typing a letter.

Since it was so slow my boss let a few of us go home early. I came home and sat on the couch, eyes being glued to the tv. My then girlfriend came home, said nothing, sat on the couch beside me, and rested her head on my shoulder. I threw my arms around her and we sat in silence for what felt like forever watching the terrible tragedy unfold before us.

Five years later I think about this eternal conflict of a fearful empire clashing with civilizations that can't seem to bring themselves out of the 7th century. I could go on about the politics and war that has been brought and my analysis on it, but this day I choose to remember one thing about 9/11 and that being my first words when I comprehended what was going on.

"They did it. They finally did it."

"After 9-11 there was a body of literature from people like Baudrillard and Chomksy who wrote very eloquently about what the hell was going on, but they didn't pitch a solution." - Ben Nicholson

Wiwille is revealed!

A few months ago I posted about Andrew's bachelor party as well as his wedding. Well now you dear readers can see evidence of it. Kyle and Shelby recently sent me a disk with over 650 images of the wedding and bachelor party.

It was such a great event that I had to share the good times and cool images. I've never seen Andrew happier and it's truly one of the proudest moments of my life to be present there.

Now you will all see images of the man behind Erik's Ramblings. Sorry about my face.

Kyle, me, and Jason horsing around with the hotel luggage cart.

The Dark Lord of the Sith makes an appearance at the bachelor party.

The bachelor getting his drink on in the limo.

Everyone wants to look good in a wedding. This poor little 16 year old had to walk with that dumb fat bastard though...wait that's me?

Shelby and I.

Kyle, Jason, me, and James holding up the bride for a photo op.

Me, Jason, and that poor little 16 year old.

The lovely bride striking a pose.

The happy couple.

Aww how cute.

Get over it.

Years ago Oliver Stone released 'Nixon', a biopic on one of our country's most controversial, and corrupt, presidents. Before the movie opened critics on the right slammed Stone's portrayal of Nixon claiming that the film was a myth and that most of the conversations and plot devices never happened. The left, as well as fans of the film with no particular bias, dismissed the critics citing that it was only Oliver Stone's opinion and that dramatizations should never be viewed as historical record.

Me I enjoyed the movie regardless of it's bias and I'm a huge critic of that administration. The acting was great and the rest of the elements was crafted well, but I too believe the events were embellished for dramatic and possible political purposes. Like most people I looked at the film as art and not as a textbook.

The tables have now been turned and I do find it amusing. ABC is set to release a miniseries entitled 'The Path to 9/11' which dramatizes the events that lead up to the terrorist attacks. Critics now on the left are bashing the screenwriters portrayal of the Clinton administration which has him appearing as less than diligent in capturing Osama after the USS Cole attack.

Web sites such as Crooks & Liars, a blog I enjoy, have gone out of their way to call for a boycott of Disney, ABC's parent company, for producing a feature that doesn't entirely fit the historical record. Many people are quick to defend the good name of Clinton and they see this television series as a serious threat to their savior.

Maybe people are lashing out about this miniseries in response to CBS pulling their Reagan miniseries, which I hear was not a flattering portrait of the intellectual midget.

It's a dramatization people. It's not history. The miniseries sole purpose is to entertain and sell products and not to give an accurate portrayal of events. Clinton's name will not be forever tarnished by this miniseries alone. Will peoples' opinions be swayed by this? Hard to say really, but I'm not going to hold Hollywood accountable for the public's ignorance.

Davey Crockett did not die at the Alamo gloriously in battle, Houdini did not perish because of a failed stunt, and Forrest Gump did not alert the police about the Watergate break in. For anyone of you who believe Forrest Gump actually existed I have some money that's tied up in Nigeria for you.

Would it be nice if all Hollywood producers were good and honest human beings who don't have political biases and are not too busy to keep their noses out of the coked laced cleavage of hookers long enough to bring you quality entertainment without sacrificing the possible good names of our elected leaders?

Yeah that would be nice. It would be even nicer if I were a super spy who fought ninjas for a living. I don't know what that has to do with my point, but being a super spy would be way cool. Oh and lap dances from Salma Hayek.

"I am not trying to be a historian and a dramatist; I'm a dramatist, a dramatic historian, or one who does a dramatic interpretation of history." - Oliver Stone

Ass kickery did ensue.

Call me a barbaric beer swilling simpleton all you want, but there's nothing I find more amusing than to see some jackass get their comeuppance. In this story there was not one, but three teens who found themselves on the receiving end of a martial artist's limbs.

Three teenagers in Hamburg Germany allegedly cornered a another teenager, Pauli Borchardt, demanding that he relinquish his cell phone. After Pauli refused the teens decided to try and rough him up a bit. What they failed to realize is that their outnumbered opponent is a student of the martial arts and completely wiped the floor with all three of them.

When the beaten thugs were found they told some story that Pauli lead a gang of bat wielding maniacs that attacked them. When police further questioned everyone they concluded that the would be muggers were not victims and now are investigating them on attempted robbery.

Glorious. Stories like this really brighten my day. I also love reading about burglars that get their ass whooped by the elderly.

Yeah go ahead and label me as an uncultured violence loving freak while you sit there and tune into 'America's Got Talent'.

"Don't hit at all if it's honorably possible to avoid hitting, but never hit soft." - Theodore Roosevelt

Muggers pick wrong victim

Cops, football, and weddings.

This labor day weekend was indeed a packed one filled with fun, excitement, and high emotion.

After working 10 hours Friday night I picked up the Pretty Girl and we headed out to the small town of Hermiston for a wedding. After the four hour drive we made it to the hotel and I contemplated staying there and sleeping, but as the trooper that I am I decided to attend the blessed event.

Luckily there were some friends staying at the same hotel and gave us a ride to the church for the ceremony. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. As a former wedding photographer I've been to over 200 weddings and this one will stand out as one of the best.

After the ceremony the couple had the great idea of hiring a short bus that drove us from the hotel to the reception site. It was held at the bride's parent's home and was beautifully decorated and months must have been spent on the landscaping. It was outdoors complete with a dance floor, good food, and a beer truck that had taps on the side of the vehicle. Yes you could just go up and pour yourself a cold beer right from the truck itself. Brilliant idea.

The wine flowed and and the music played and I even stayed awake for over 30 hours to enjoy it. Finally we retired back to the hotel under the escort of the short bus. First time I ever ridden in one. Really. No I'm serious. I don't write this bad because I'm retarded, just lazy.

The next day was followed by a short brunch and the Jiggaman, Russ, the Pretty Girl, and I headed out in separate cars to Kennewick to eat at Carl's Jr. First time for me and I will say it was a tasty six dollar burger.

On the way back home the Jiggaman and I drove like there was no tomorrow. We were given the finger a few times, cut off by a minivan, and I made people nervous with my Andretti impression. We finally slowed down and the Jiggaman and Russ pulled off into a rest stop and I kept on my merry way.

About a half hour from home Russ, who was driving while the Jiggaman slept, pulled by us going at least 85 mph. I marveled at how they caught up with us. He kept pulling away from us until he was finally out of site.

A few miles later I saw him on the side of the road after being pulled over by a cop. Doh! I later found out he received a ticket for going 82 mph in a 70 mph zone. Poor guy.

Labor day was a glorious one as I attended my fantasy football draft. Corey describes fantasy football draft as being just like Christmas and I have to agree. Emotions ran high before it even started as Paul and Kyle argued about something that I wasn't even paying attention to. Regardless the draft went really well and I put up an impressive roster for this season. Hopefully all will go well this year.

Later that evening the Pretty Girl had a cookout and it was fun. After everyone left my lack of sleep really started to catch up with me and I started to feel ill, but it was all worth it.