Tantus

The Interntubes. What a wonderful way to publicly humiliate yourself without even trying. It's a task I succumb to on a daily basis given my unique talent of exposing way too much of my thoughts. It's a risk all take when sharing their lives, or at least partially, with the world wide web.

As I've learned, sometimes painfully, there's no hate like Internet hate. Web users are quick to judge, ridicule, and even in some cases threaten those they scorn.

Now Meghan McCain has come under fire for doing the unthinkable. She posted a picture of herself holding a book on Twitter. Oh she also sported massive cleavage as she's gifted in such areas. This created a bit of a firestorm with her critics, who seemed to be less than impressed with her intellect anyways. Being a Republican and the daughter of someone who ran an embarrassing Presidential campaign she used to some scrutiny.

Many called her unsavory names regarding the picture and the Bloggette took it personally. She even threatened (gasp) to stop Twittering.

Now I know some who don't understand my massive crush on John's daughter. We don't often share the same politics nor does sometime she present herself well when discussing them, but she's far better versed than most I know who claim to have a firm grasp on the world body politic. Okay so Meghan may not be Eleanor Roosevelt, but damn....
"To be honest, I don’t feel that I have anything to feel ashamed of. I’ve always embraced my curves and will continue to do so." - Meghan McCain

Don't Call Me a Slut

Thursday Music

My parents were very strict about the music I listened to. Under the mistaken impression that heavy metal, or even pop music, would lead me to a life of devil worship. Seriously. They believe the hype their relatives about how listening to Metallica would render me helpless under the spell of the dark lord.

Seriously.

They went so far as to confiscate all my albums and punish me whatever they felt appropriate. Being rebellious and considering their views on the matter to be ridiculous at best I hid all my albums around my room or at friend's homes and would listen while they weren't around.

Believing that I was dumb enough to do exactly what was projected on television or heard on the radio my choices were limited. What's funny is that they'd let me listen to stuff like this:



"If you play more than two chords, you're showing off." - Woody Guthrie

The Force was with me

As we were making our way to Key Arena the conversation was going well as we discussed how ridiculous Seattle drivers can be.

"IT'S A TRAP," came blaring over my cell phone. We both fell silent as she pondered Admiral Ackbar's frightened announcement to the Rebel fleet. Of course that's set as my text message alert. Finally we both laughed as we tallied up our 'dork points'. I was in the lead. Being a winner and a loser I thought it best to switch my phone to vibrate.

After taking pictures of the various exhibits we both take our seats on the floor awaiting the symphony to strike up the music. We noticed the high production values already as the stage was set. Then the music started with Fox's opening theme. The curtain fell and exposed the musicians who then broke out the Star Wars main theme. The crowd erupted into applause, hooting and hollering as the large HD screen projected a montage sequence of all six films.

Anthony Daniels (C-3PO) was introduced by a voice over by James Earl Jones himself imitating the character that made his voice famous. Daniels took the stage giving a short narration of the story before each sequence. They conductor would raise his baton and we sat and watched a story of the Star Wars universe. We laughed when appropriate, groaned when Leia kissed Luke, got mad when Greedo shot first, and cheered whenever Darth Vader took the screen.

At intermission I asked my friend what she thought. Her face said it all. Excited as I was about how this exceeded our expectations she couldn't control the seven year old inside of her. Even though she was one year old when Return of the Jedi was released she was amazed by the music as well as the visuals.

"Hmm," she said shortly before the symphony took the stage again. "Now we get to the real trilogy." She rules.

"But," I countered. "Maybe they'll show the Clone Wars, or the Star Wars Holiday Special."

"The Star Wars Holiday Special? I've never seen it."

"Do yourself a favor and don't. I'm sorry I even brought it up."

"I want to see The Ewok Adventures." Oh my she remembers those Ewok television specials from back in the day. I told her my sister and I used to watch them constantly when we were little as our parents recorded them for us. Years later I ended up buying them on DVD for her so she and my nephews could enjoy them. Yeah my friend likes the cuddly Wicket. No fan is perfect.

Anthony Daniels came on stage again and introduced the next segment. After another round of songs the show sadly ended and all took a bow to a packed house that was on their feet. A guy in the audience was dressed in Jedi robes with cloth decorated with the American flag. He got some time on the large screen to the amusement of the audience. After exiting the stage Daniels came back and announced an encore. The symphony broke out the Imperial March to an amused and excited crowd.

As we left the arena I pondered what it was I enjoyed about the show so much. Granted it was a quality show that even people who never were a fan of Star Wars would agree, but there was something different. Finally it hit me and I turned to my friend as we strolled through the rain.

"It did what three prequels failed to do. It made me feel like I was eight years old again."

"I thought Star Wars was too wacky for the general public." - George Lucas

Mane

Editors warning: The staff at 'One Bad Apple' recommend highly that for those with a sensitive constitution stop reading immediately. Go back to your syrupy coffee drinks and/or abusing your children in the name of Satan. You may learn things about myself, and other men for that matter, you never wanted to.

It sucks being a man sometimes. Yes I know you women have the whole child birth thing and some of you sleep with hair guys. I have no doubt that it's harder for you than it is men. I feel for your plight against sexism, clothing sizes, and your inability to view the Twilight phenomenon as donkey crap.

Now that that's out of the way.

Men can and often do get hard at a moment's notice. For reasons unbeknownst to us we'll wake up stiff and there's little we can do about it except imagine Jabba the Hutt giving Bea Arthur a sponge bath. If that fails we display skills normally reserved for a Cirque De Sole acrobat when using the restroom in the early hours. Sadly spontaneous wood doesn't happen to us only when we roll out of bed.

When I was but a wee teen it took nothing more than a change in the wind to be at half mast. I could never understand why that was the case, but it lead to many an embarrassing incident. I take some comfort in the fact that I never went through what one poor classmate did. Still there were times I wouldn't go to the blackboard, or stand at all for that matter. Dates consisted of careful placement of items across the lap. School dances were...well...

I was under the mistaken impression that these kind of incidents wouldn't happen when I got older. Anyways to the lady at Safeway, no it was not you that was the cause of whatever it was you saw. In fact you didn't see anything. Move along and fill your cart with heaping amounts of Captain Crunch and be happy.

"I probably have become more infamous from two misdemeanors than probably anyone I could think of." - Paul Reubens

Rudis

"Yeah," she said. "I'm not what you call politically correct."

"Oh yeah," I responded. I already knew this. Growing up near Philly she definitely had some east coast sensibilities when it came to vocalizing her thoughts. We were on our fourth pint and her lips became more loose with each sip.

"I don't get how PC you guys are out here. Everyone is so concerned with other's feelings. If people are offended it's their problem. I'm just making humour."

She had a point. Seattle is known for being very tolerant and accepting, but the truth is it's hardly a place that embraces ideas outside the norm of liberal sensibilities. Occupying a small place in the Puget Sound I've learned one thing. Self righteousness is in no way exclusive to conservatives as I once mistakenly thought.

But what has become of us north westerners? Are we softer than our liberal east coast brethren? Have we not learned the lessons of George Carlin or Lenny Bruce? We're known for our passive/aggressive mentality, but do we fear confrontation or value others' opinions that much? On the flip side do we as Seatllites really have true compassion for those who may be hurt by words, even though our minority population is slimmer than most urban areas?

I sat with my roommate later and we discussed the issue. It was refreshing, if not as fun, to talk with an actual minority about language without alcohol clouding my brain. He understands that when I tell him he's a traitor to his race when he displays a trait that breaks all stereotypes of Mexicans that I do it in good humor. I'm really making fun of the white trash culture I grew up in where many harbored such ridiculous thoughts. The banter is fun and he is comfortable enough in his heritage to understand context is key.

I recognize that not all are like my roommate, but sometimes I'm prone to forget and put my foot in my mouth. I think I'll always be that way for reasons that may include stubbornness.

"I've always thought that the stereotype of the dirty old man is really the creation of a dirty young man who wants the field to himself." - Hugh Downs

Thursday Music

As some of you may be aware I'll be traveling overseas to Australia in February. I'm excited to take a couple weeks of vacation down under, but it's got me to thinking about music and how I will relate to the locals.

Years ago I spent about a week and a half in Germany and every time I got the opportunity to talk to an english speaking German I would ask them why David Hasselhoff was so huge in Duetschland. They would claim it's Baywatch, but after further inquiry they would just shake their head and resign the fact that their country men really enjoyed that amount of suckage.

Still I was grateful to hear some response even if it didn't get me any closer to solving the mystery of the Knight Rider star's appeal. I thanked them for KMFDM, but oddly no one knew what I was talking about. Apparently that German band is only big here. Makes sense considering that the record label that brought us the angry Euro-trash industrial band is based in Chicago.

Are Australians similar? Do they latch on to a phenomenon created by a talentless Yank which largely eluded us? I mean Benny Hill was reportedly a flop in Great Britain, which astounds me. Is Carrot Top huge over there? Do they love their local bands like AC/DC or are they more popular off shore?

I know one thing though. I will thank each and every Australian, drunk or no, for the pleasure that has been bestowed upon us with the greatness that is Icehouse's 'Electric Blue'.

"God bless America. God save the Queen. God defend New Zealand and thank Christ for Australia." - Russell Crowe



You're welcome.

Placidus

The UN has taken a step back from it's finely tuned daily strongly worded letters to countries breaking security council resolutions to an issue that I partake in everyday, free speech. The Obama administration has decided to jump on board with the human rights commission in accepting it's draft regarding expression.

Depending on who you ask this resolution, which was a comprise between Canada and Egypt, is of little consequence other than sending nations a message that their citizens and media outlets should respect race and religion. All countries are asked to have private entities censor themselves when it comes to speech that may stereotype someone based on skin color and ideology. In addition it is expected that they assign what they feel is appropriate checks and balances on news and entertainment that may offend someone.

Again this is fairly harmless as it's the UN and enforcement of their own resolutions is all but nill, but the precedence it sets can be cause for alarm. While I'm all for people using free speech responsibly I'm wary of any kind of enforcement of protecting the sensibilities of the delicate, especially when it comes to religion. While I'm sure a lot of this is due to people who can't live in civilized society and choose to respond violently when their precious God has been mocked, there's still no excusing any idea of censorship. If I want to berate L. Ron Hubbard, Joseph Smith, or even the church of the Aryan nation I should and will do so without fear of reprisal.

Yes in a perfect world we should respect religion, but I'll be damned if I give mine if the ideology doesn't earn it. My God, or lack thereof, is fair game. That's the price of free expression and one I'm willing to pay.

My high horse. I ride it.

"The United States is very pleased to present this joint project with Egypt. This initiative is a manifestation of the Obama administration's commitment to multilateral engagement throughout the United Nations and of our genuine desire to seek and build cooperation based upon mutual interest and mutual respect in pursuit of our shared common principles of tolerance and the dignity of all human beings." - Douglas Griffiths

Wiwille is lazy

In the tradition of ripping off WIGSF I stole this 69 question meme, which I swear was written by a fourteen year old girl who just discovered MySpace:

1. The phone rings; who do you want it to be? Her.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart? I'm a bachelor. I only carry baskets unless I need toilet paper or something. Plus it helps budget. If it doesn't fit in the basket it means I bought too much. But yeah in the rare occasions I do return the carts with pride.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener? Depends on the situation really and how much I've had to drink.

4. Do you take compliments well? Depends on what they're referring to, but normally I do.
5. Do you play Sudoku? A friend tried to teach me how to play the other night. It didn't go well.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive? Sure. How long would I survive? Well depends. I was a boy scout and I know how to properly crap in the woods.

7. Do you like to ride horses? I do actually. Sometimes I'd like to shake things up and ride a horse through downtown wearing nothing but a loin cloth and brandishing a spear. I like to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid? I did. Football camp.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid? Battleship
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew she was married, would you go for it? If it was Scarlett I say hell yes.

11. Have you lied to get out of a date? Looking back I actually have. Way back in high school. She found out. It sucked.
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? Depends on the belief and if she demanded that I partake in hers. I don't see myself converting to Scientology.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued? I like the thrill of the hunt.

14. Use three words to describe yourself? Bag of awesome.

15. Do any songs make you cry? Some have, some have made me angry that someone that it was a good idea to produce such crap.

16. Are you continuing your education? I always learn something new. The other day I found out that Berklee College of Music is in fact not in Berkley CA. Doh!
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun? I do.
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed? Wallet, phone, keys.
19. How often do you read books? I read when I poop, so every day.
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future? The future and the upcoming apocalypse.
21. What is your favorite children’s book? The Lorax.
22. What color are your eyes? Brown.
23. How tall are you? 5'10
24. Where is your dream house located? Italy.
25. Do you have a secret fetish? It's a secret.
26. Have you tried sushi? Many times.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? I have.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?About a month ago.

29. When was the last time you were at Church? It's been a while.
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today? Work.
31. What was your favorite job? Studio photographer.

32. Do you like mustard? I like the spicy hot kind.
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat? Sleep.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad? I look a lot like my Dad, but it's funny that I share no blood with him.
35. How long does it take you in the shower? Depends on what exactly I'm doing in there.

36. Can you do the splits? Never have, never will.
37. What movie do you want to see right now? Once.

38. If you could fast forward your life, would you? Nah.
39. What did you do for New Year’s? Sat at a dive bar and was annoyed with some random old drunk who called himself the pillar of the community.

40. Do you think The Grudge was scary? Never saw it.

41. Could you relate to a character in Mean Girls? Not that I can recall, but it doesn't help I was never a girl in high school.

42. Do you own a camera phone? I do.

43. Do you have an “ex box” with pics and letters from past lovers? I used to.

44. Was your mom a cheerleader? She was not.
45. What’s the last letter of your middle name? S
46. Do you like your middle name? Sure.
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night? Anywhere from 5-8
48. Do you like care bears? Not a fan.
49. What do you buy at the movies? Reese's Pieces and Sprite.
50. Do you know how to play poker? Not well.

51. Do you wear your seat belt? I do.
52. What do you wear to sleep? Boxers and tshirt.
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown? Quiet Riot once played there. That's how exciting that bustling metropolis got.

54. How many meals do you eat a day? Three
55. Is your tongue pierced? Never even considered it.
56. Ever meet anyone you met on myspace? I've met bloggers, but never anyone random on MySpace. I have with some Facebook folks though.
57. Do you read myspace bulletins? Why would anyone want to read another meme...oh wait..

58. Do you like funny or serious people better? I like to laugh. I'm serious enough for most.
59. Ever been to L.A.? A few times.
60. Did you eat a cookie today? I should.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages? Sometimes.

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads? Pay.
63. Do you hate chocolate? Don't hate it, but not much of a fan. Actually I love white chocolate.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most? What don't they fight about?

65. Are you a gullible person? I can be at times, mostly when it comes to females.
66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy? No, but you do if you want to see your bank account disappear.

67. If you could have any job what would it be? Fighter pilot.

68. Are you easy to get along with? I would believe so. Others might disagree.
69. What is your favorite time of day? Miller time.

"It’s got 69 questions. Make your own jokes please. I can’t be bothered." - WIGSF

Incommodo

The night went on as usual with the four of us drinking, playing Star Wars Monopoly and laughing at ourselves while attempting to answer questions correctly in Trivial Pursuit. As usual the evening wound down and conversation flowed. Laughs were shared as we drank our beers.

A friend, who asks that she doesn't be named on this blog, asked Corey and I what annoys us most about women. Corey shot his hand up and started mimicking a motor mouth.

"Talking," he said. "Girls that won't shut up."

The girls then looked at me and asked what mine was. I paused for a bit unsure of how to word what I was thinking. The list was so long it was hard to come up with just one, but it finally came to me.

"Drama," I proclaimed. "Girls that seem to have an almost instinctive need for drama. I'm talking those who will look for it when it doesn't exist. Maybe it's me and I just bring out the worst in females, but that and women who believe that they deserve everything and nothing will be good enough for them drive me nuts."

Corey then went on about a girl he once dated and how she fit that exact description. I know exactly what he's talking about as I've had a few. The women in the room looked at each other and nodded their heads. What they were thinking is anyone's guess. Perhaps we guys are the batty ones for not accepting our fate and learning to just try and deal. We're guys though. We don't change.

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields

Thursday Music

We all have guilty pleasure music. Yes you once boogied down to Snow's 'Informer'. You loved it too.

There are those guilty pleasures which skirt the line of quality. We can't help but listen to some bands and wonder if they'll become the new Limp Biskit or Creed. Actually for those of you who still insist on listening to Nickleback, for whatever reason, you can be sure that someday you'll be just as ashamed of subjecting yourself to their bag of suck as you were when you cleaned out your closet and found your C&C Music Factory album.

Still I'm surprised that some bands are considered by many to be tools. I missed the memo that said you must hate the already mentioned Creed. Not that I was ever a big fan, but damn there was far worse music out there. I can't wrap my head around the fact that the masses haven't risen up and cried no to the world's loudest boy band Lynkin Park yet, but I digress....

I'll probably hate myself for listening to this at some point:

"I think everything worked out the way it was supposed to. Mark's happier. I'm sober. There are still phone calls to be made, people I need to say something to. But everyone from Creed who I've offended or hurt, I ask for their forgiveness." - Scott Stapp

Vote for Wiwille!

Last year I took a poll on what Halloween costume I should wear. It was a big hit and I was happy with it's outcome. This year I'll do the same asking all readers of One Bad Apple to vote on how I should dress for All Hallow's Eve.

God I so love this holiday.

Anyways this year the costume ideas have changed and I have one that I really want to go as, but again the dear readers come first. 12 months ago the fans decided I should go as Veritas from the Boondock Saints. As promised a pic of me in that costume is below:

It was a good night.

Listed below is the poll for Wiwille's costume this year, which will close next Thursday. Be sure to leave your vote in the comments:

Han Solo: I've been told I should go as the rouge space pirate for quite some time. Now if only I could get someone to attend the evening with me dressed as slave Leia.

Drunk German: Might as well.

Cobra Kai: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy sir!

Old time gangster: Always wanted to do this.Snake Eyes: Why not?

My room mate: It would be very difficult to match the sexy that is Pablo, but anything worth doing is worth doing right. The penis goutee may be a stretch though.Star Trek Ensign: I always knew I'd die first.

Bacon: Tasty.

Lollipop Guild: I used to do the dance pretty well when I was four.

Julius Ceasar: For those who are about to die we salute you!

"If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween." - Doug Coupland

Iustitia

As most of you are aware famed director Roman Polanski was arrested recently in Switzerland and is facing extradition back to you the US for fleeing sentencing of the crime of rape of a 13 year old girl. While he's fled the authorities for decades he lived the good life in Europe gaining more fame, wealth, and continuing his long standing career as one of the world's greatest directors.

Now that he may be forced to face the sentencing of the crime he plead guilty to, plus additional charges including his fugitive status, surprisingly there's been debate on whether he should stand before a court.

Seriously.

Below are some points from people who are opposed to Polanski facing a judge:

"He had a hard life. He lost his mother to the Holocaust and his pregnant wife to a sick hippie. He deserves our sympathy." I get that his existence hasn't been pleasant, but does that excuse the horrific crime of raping a young teenager?

"The judge was corrupt, incompetent, and was going to go back out of the plea bargain." Yes I've seen the recent documentary on the subject that everyone believes is the gospel truth on everything regarding this case. So the judge was a bastard? Polanski's lawyers should've declared it a mistrial or appeal the sentence once it was laid out. Besides no one could've known for sure what the judge was going to do before the sentencing.

"It's been decades. The victim forgives him. Let it go." Call me a tyrant, but I have a hard time letting the crime of rape go. The victim only gave her forgiveness after the civil settlement, but regardless she's not the state. The government should prosecute all violent crimes to the fullest extent of the law. No one should get away with rape. No one.

I've met people who boycott films directed by Mel Gibson or who star Tom Cruise. When I ask if they do the same for Polanski they just give the thousand yard stare. I can understand not wanting to support the careers of racists or the mentally ill, but none of them give thought to someone who commits a crime against a child.

I love Polanski's work. I even own one of his films, but I can't wrap my head around the idea that he should'nt serve a sentence for the horrific crime he plead guilty to.

"In Paris, one is always reminded of being a foreigner. If you park your car wrong, it is not the fact that it's on the sidewalk that matters, but the fact that you speak with an accent." - Roman Polanski

Conversations with Corey

"We're cynic-romantics," I told him. "We're destined to die alone."

"That's right," Corey said. "We should make a movie based on that."

"It's been done," I said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's called Casablanca."

"Oh," he said quizzically. I doubt he's ever seen it and for that I've failed him as a friend. "We should make an updated version."

"Not a bad idea."

We were discussing women and the reason(s) we've never been married. As usual it ran the gamut of things (girls are crazy, we haven't found 'the one', we're afraid of getting hurt) and it turned depressing. He was telling me about a recent breakup of a relationship that never really got off the ground. They knew each other for a while, but circumstances didn't allow them to date. Finally she started grad school and seeing each other was an option, but they saw their time together dwindle to almost nothing. Living in different cities and the responsibilities of work and her education left little for them to share. The split was mutually agreed upon, but both seemed open to the idea of getting back together should time allot.

I told my friend that there are few times in life we come across girls we really like and given his history he should fight for her. It was the first girl he had in his life who I met that seemed really good for him. We discussed the logistics and he agreed that she may in fact be worth the effort. Still it was an outsider's perspective and I know little about what goes on between the lives of others. The duality of my personality gives my wisdom, or lack thereof, an erratic nature.

I watched him leave I thought about the conversation that transpired and hoped my advice was helpful, but couldn't help but wonder that maybe I should start practicing what I preached. I stood on my porch and watched the planes take off from Sea-Tac that night and couldn't help but think that I should be on one right now. Maybe I should've taken flight months ago and did exactly as I advised my friend to do.

I entered my apartment curious to what future lay before me and laid my head to rest. I doubt she thinks of me all that much anyways, if at all.

"Most people would rather stay home and watch Casablanca for the fourth time or the 10th time on Turner Classic Movies than go see Matrix 12 or whatever the hell the flavor of the month is." - Joseph Bologna

Thursday Music

I'm sure most of you have heard of the PS22 Chorus, the school children who sing various pop songs orchestrated by their teacher. Earning media acclaim by fans and even the original artists themselves they've become a massive hit. Their work does touch the romantic in me as I see them showcase their talent. I'm happy to see this teacher bringing arts into the classroom and telling his story to all who will listen.

Call me a pansy liberal all you want (I'd still kick your ass and bang your girlfriend without spilling a drop of my pint of beer), but I think education in the humanities is critical to a child's development and these kids from Manhattan prove that.

So today I bring you a song brought to you by children who enjoy 80s pop:

"They were so good! Their arrangements -- their sound -- it was so good.... It was...... disarming. It means so much that they took it and made it their own." -Tori Amos

May traverse

Just when you think the Republican party couldn't get any more self destructive they decide to hold a Values Voters Summit where their nonsense can be broadcasted for all to read and hear. The purpose of the Summit was to educate Republicans on issues of morality in legislative issues, cause they're far more important than say balancing the budget or foreign policy.

Anyways a gem of a conservative, who happens to be Sen Tom Coburn's (R-OK) Chief of Staff, took center stage at his own lecture to speak about pornography. In it he describes the worst side effect of looking at naked people. In his estimation it will give you a case of the gays whether you want it or not.

Yes according to this genius people choose to have sex with the same gender and porn will make you want to touch another guy's penis. He also goes on to talk about how he spent a lot of time around preteen boys (wtf?) and noticed how homophobic they are, but Larry Flint Industries may change all that. In his mind that won't do.

I don't need to go into a long diatribe about how ridiculous this is. I only need to make one point. If this man's theory were correct Richard Simmons would have nothing on my friend Corey.

"Now, think about that. And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!" - Michael Schwartz

Abyssus

With the advent of the internet and all that it brings us there came an inevitable after birth, crazy people. Fundies and the like now have a sounding board to broadcast their nonsense to the masses. No longer will they only be subject to a small audience on the street with their sandwich board for now anyone who can read their native language can be subject to their self proclaimed wisdom.

Some nut job believed they had proof that the Rapture was to happen yesterday. Yes Lucifer's reign on Earth was to begin while the Four Horseman gallop across the land spreading their doom. Using Astrology, which is always the greatest example of perfect science, they use charts and the like to convince the masses to repent their ways and accept Christ as the Lord.

Never mind how scripture does state that no man nor angel will be privy to such information. Still their madness doesn't end even after proven wrong. I went to the website today and found the specific date for the Rapture has been replaced to a more vague Fall 2009.

A friend reminded me of a statistic he heard that roughly 80% of evangelicals believe the Apocalypse will be upon us in their life time. Of course it's something people have believed for over 2000 years, but still they seem to be sure of it. I've actually read Revelation (and yes it's singular, not plural) and how they can assign a specific date to all that is arrogant at best.

I've known many people who buy into all that. Some claim they're literalist, people who claim the Old Testament is not just a book of laws and lineage, but that every event actually happened as their translation reads. Interestingly enough they all feel that John's revelation must be translated by theologians.

What's weird is that most seem so concerned about bringing about the end times, but I don't get that. If you buy into that what's the harm in you being taken into Heaven? You'll get eternal paradise after all. Isn't that the promise of God? Shouldn't you be excited about all this? Why at the same time do you fear the end of days, but yet demand America adopt a foreign policy which in your own twisted mind may help bring it about?

Also why do crazy people who think they have a firm and educated grasp of worldly and spiritual events never seem to have a decent understanding of HTML?

I guess since the Rapture is not upon us I can go back to drinking an unhealthy amount of alcohol and engage in relations that are less than pure. Then again as many have pointed out I'm going to hell anyways.

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with a sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth." - Revelation - 6:8

Wiwille is wrong

So I'm in Best Buy yesterday and I had to use their restroom. I walk in and immediately notice there are no urinals. Strange I thought. There's a line of stalls, but there's nothing to stand up to. Then I see a bottle of Purel hand soap sitting on the counter.

Holy hell I'm in the wrong bathroom!

I tear out of there and fling open the other door. I waltz in and see a lady standing before me wide eyed with her lower jaw hanging at her knees. I stare at her, point, and yell 'WRONG' like some over zealous game show host.

I stumble out the bathroom at a furious pace and find myself face to face with the correct gender specific restroom door. I walk in, but I'm confused. I'd never seen a restroom without a place for a man to stand nor one with brand specific hand soap.

I go into a stall and to my surprise see a urinal before me. I do my business, but can't help but think of the poor lady. What could've possibly went through her head when I shouted at her? Did she think they had cameras in there and I was commenting on her skills with toilet paper or hand washing? If so will she now be forever scared to relieve herself in a public toilet?

All I had to do was just look down and beg her pardon for entering the wrong door, but instead my lack of social graces caught up with me. She did nothing wrong, unless she was shooting heroin between her toes. Hey it was in Everett. It's possible. Not likely though.

"If I want to be alone, some place I can write, I can read, I can pray, I can cry, I can do whatever I want - I go to the bathroom." - Alicia Keys

Wiwille's Movie Reviews part 73

'Stealing Beauty' is a film I never thought I'd be asked to review. Granted the requests seem to run the gamit, but Bertolucci films are somewhat obscure for the most part. I haven't seen this in years and thought I'd give it a second look, but my memory is pretty clear of the plot and it's hard to forget one of his films easily. The film is about Lucy, a young woman who travels to a Tuscany villa after her mother's recent suicide. The home is occupied by artists and the like who enjoy the beautiful landscape and seems like the perfect setting to get her portrait done, but she has other goals as well that she keeps secret. Lucy is trying to connect with a man she first kissed there years ago and has since corresponded with. Equally important she's there to solve the riddle of who her father might be. As Lucy interacts with the often eccentric guests of the villa many seem to take a liking to her, especially a terminally ill playwrite who takes it upon himself to a mentor of sorts regarding her virginity. She goes throught he process of young adult hood with her mother's friends giving her unsolicited advice, but she takes it in stride and goes through a journey of self discovery if you will. 'Stealing Beauty' is not Bertolucci's best work, but that's not a bad thing considering his library of films. The setting is lush and goregous as you would expect even though the plot is not entirely strong. I was drawn to the characters, even the ones I didn't care for, and the acting complimented the good dialogue. There's many things to enjoy about Stealing Beauty even at it's weakest points and I would highly recommend this coming of age story whether you're a fan of Bertolucci or not. Thanks to the private Kelli for submitting this.   "Even a lesser Bertolucci is an event, and Stealing Beauty has its charms." - Jack Mathews

Thursday Music

The sweet nectar of the Gods that is Guinness turned 250 years old yesterday. Yes the drink that I've cherished for years is older than dirt, but still I thank the makers of the fine Irish brew for granting me numerous incidents which involve vomit, cops, and waking up in strange places with strange people.

Yes thank you Guinness. It's because of you that I sang dirty songs via karaoke, recite Dylan Thomas poetry at inappropriate times, referring to myself in the third person, stories for this blog, and losing various articles of clothing. I humble myself before thee and will celebrate the glorious day you came upon us with car bombs and the like. If I could find another girl willing to...err...never mind.

My patronage of you shall continue for many years. BTW I have no idea who the girl pictured above is, but she's hot and she likes the tasty beverage that is you. I shall marry her. Oh yes. She will be mine.

So in honor of you I bring some Irish music from 'The Boondock Saints' that I once danced to (read 'stumbled') thanks to the consumption of numerous pints.

"I admit I was drinking a Guinness, but I did not swallow." - Kinky Friedman



GUINNESS IS 250 YEARS OLD

Chef Wiwille

On the long lonely drive home back from the beach this weekend I started thinking. I just left my extended family to realize that I'm one of three in my generation that has never been married and childless. The creeping image of a life that may serve nothing but myself can be depressing, but as I was taught I choose to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

It was then I decided I really need to sharpen my skills in my personal life and start taking a little pride in the trivial. First order of business is I need to work on my culinary skills.

For years my diet has consisted of breakfast cereal (usually Special K or Raisin Bran) in the mornings, bowl of soup and an apple for lunch, and a small chicken dish with a simple salad for dinner. Easy, nutritious, and about as exciting as getting my teeth cleaned.

I posted a question on Facebook asking all my friends to recommend a good cook book. I got quite a few responses for which I'm grateful. I wrote them all down and headed towards the nearest Barnes & Noble.

After I ordered my coffee I head to the cook book section and was immediately overwhelmed with the large selection. It was larger than US History for crying out loud. I picked up 'The Joy of Cooking' which seemed a little overwhelming and browsed through other recommendations, but then in the bargain bin section I found it. Titled 'A Man, A Can, A Plan' the book is geared towards guys who are not exactly kitchen friendly. Easy to follow instructions with simple ingredients, the publishers of Men's Health unleashed this book on the public with surprisingly low calorie dishes.

It was cheap so I purchased it, but sadly there was another book that was suggested to me that wasn't available at that store. I called a friend of mine and asked her if she had any recommendations on good cook books. Her first title was 'A Man, A Can, A Plan' of which she loves.

"No shit," I said. "That's exactly what I just bought."

I called another friend and asked her to meet me at another Barnes & Noble. We browsed and she had some good tips on Alton Brown and Betty Crocker, both of which were highly recommended, but I chose to get 'Help My Apartment Has a Kitchen' and some Rachel Ray 30 minute meals for guys. Yes I bought a Rachel Ray book. Yes I'm ashamed.

So this means Wiwille will spend time perfecting his culinary skills. I'll keep you informed of the progress of my latest mid-life crisis.

"I love to have battles of the wits with people that can dish fast and dirty - and it leads to problems occasionally, 'cause I can sound mean without attempting to be mean." - Alton Brown

Would be epics

I have a soft spot for epic films that I grew up loving, such as The Godfather 1&2, Ben-Hur, Quo Vadis, and The Ten Commandments. The marvelous spectacles set upon simple human drama can be very touching and really stretch the medium of movies. Every detail really has to work which make the production all more difficult. While there are many works that will forever be hallowed in the halls of film making there are those that have tried to bring us a sweeping story in epic fashion, but for many reasons failed.

Since the internet definitely needs another list of movies I shall bring those that have disappointed this film fan:

1. Gods and Generals: The prequel to the immensely superior Gettysburg should have excited movie goers the country over. Sadly the script is pretentious as it would have you believe every soldier back then spoke in a manner worthy of Cicero. Grand speeches they may be, but horribly inaccurate and it's distracting from the real drama of the Civil War (aka War Between the States). This film does the almost impossible task of making such subject matter, one I'm always drawn to by the way, incredibly dull. Hollywood has always enjoyed their empathy for the rebellion and it's slant is obvious as it makes it's main character, Gen Jackson, a gentleman of the highest order in every situation rather than the often times foul tempered warrior. Historical inaccuracies aside it does have it's moments, but not enough to make this almost four hour film bearable. A flop in a critical and commercial sense it killed the Civil War trilogy I'm sorry to say.



2. Cleopatra: It's hard to say exactly why this film didn't work. It has an excellent cast and a budget that was incredibly high for it's time, but as usual the writing wasn't on par with the quality of the sets and photography. Forsaking drama for visuals what should have been a rousing historical epic became a snooze fest that it's own stars even hated.



3. Dune: Frank Herbert's sci-fi masterpiece is largely considered unfilmable and this movie proves that. David Lynch tried to adapt the often surreal text to screen, but failed miserably. It's too bad too. The book series is impressive even at it's lowest points and if given the right treatment could make for a wonderful film, but the story of House Atreides' son turned prophet proves to be too much of a task for filmmakers.



4. Legends of the Fall: I know I'll get some flack for this, but I don't understand this movie's appeal. While it has some of the best photography I've ever seen and some good acting the soap opera-ish story is sappy as it can be dull. It has most of the elements right, but again the script doesn't hold up to it's impressive settings.



5. Troy: It seems as if Brad Pitt is the Patron Saint of slow epics. After his performance in Seven Years in Tibet audiences surprisingly wanted more of him and then we get Troy. A flawed adaptation of the Trojan War in almost every respect, but audiences seemed to enjoy it enough even though critics largely panned it. I remember taking a date to that film and watching her drool over those buff men in little clothing I probably looked like a troll.



6. Curse of the Golden Flower: Has to be one of the most exquisite looking films I've ever seen, but as we've already learned visuals do not a good movie make. What could've been a great tale of civil strife in a monarchy turned into a simple family drama that could hearken from Days of Our Lives. Still the performances are far better than the script should have allotted which is very impressive.



"It is so lacking in flesh-and-blood characters, so unclear in its depiction of battles like Bull Run, and so nauseating in its gruesome sentimentality that it is all but unwatchable." - Jonathan Foreman.

Mi Familia

This weekend was a packed one. I first go to my hometown of Longview to visit an old friend. Going through his second divorce he needed a friend to partake in some drinking with him and I was happy to oblige. When I arrived I was greeted by his three year old son asking me why I decided to visit. He insisted we play Scooby Doo. I was the monster carrying around an inflatable sword that's bigger than the child and he was Shaggy. He did not want to run in and out of the same doors to the tunes of the Banana Splits nor was he amused when I told him I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids. The young lad was very upset to learn that I was indeed the evil amusement park owner, cause I was to be the landlord of the hotel run by a old couple.

The next day I drove down to Cannon Beach to see some extended family. My grand uncle and his wife were renewing vows for their 60th wedding anniversary in this horribly expensive, but incredibly nice rented beach house. Yes they've been married for sixty years.

The couple stood in front of a captive audience while I was volunteered by my cousin Marty to document the entire event on camera as well as hearken back to my studio photographer days. Tears were flowing from the females in attendance as the story of their courtship was told, from the beginning in elementary school where he dipped her pigtail in an inkwell. Shortly after he told her he would one day marry her. When he turned eighteen that's exactly what my uncle did.

Their daughter Marty and her husband John then took center stage to renew their vows for their 25th anniversery. She cried throughout as the pastor made them recite their written words. Marty then had a surprise for John as her son-in-law cranked up the stereo and she sang to him. John is a good man.

The festivities then started and I offered to help grill, cause I find cooking meat kind of fun. Mike and I served up the food and all were well fed and happy. After making small talk with the family and saying our highs and goodbyes I sat with my cousin Clarence, a unique individual, but one I hold dear. He actually goes to a mountain and talks to God. Seriously. He spoke about Jesus and stuff, but thankfully he's given up his Bible thumping ways and could actually carry a conversation without getting overly emotional. Funny thing is later he pulled out a flask of whiskey adorned with the Battle Flag of the Confederacy. We shared sips as we solved the world's problems by a campfire. He wants to take me hunting.

Taking a stroll with Clarence he noticed that I walk just like every other man in the family, but interestingly enough I share no blood with them. He told me that it was God's plan and that DNA didn't matter and we're all made of the same material. I told him I was upset that I'm not a precious little snowflake like I was always taught.

Surprisingly enough he's not a huge fan of Ted Nugent.

Still my soul has many traits of the people who raised me and in my experience I assume nurture beat out nature in my upbringing.

I was hanging at my friend's place yesterday while a posse of men hung out in the parking lot next to his house. They were playing a rap song very loudly and the chorus went as such:

'I tell a bitch
I say bitch
I ain't got time
I'm getting rich'

Now imagine that rapped in a nasally tone being spun over and over again. They're like 37 too.

"I hated Woody Woodpecker and Scooby-Doo, but I was a cartoon freak." - John Goodman

Thursday Music

Last night I was trying to think of the most divisive band that I was aware of. Now there are many that people just love or hate, but I rarely think of one that people seem split down the middle about.

Then it came to me. The Canadian trio known as Rush seems to spark emotions of praise and disgust by equal amounts of music fans. While their musicianship cannot be denied, especially the percussion, the vocals of their lead seems to be grating to many. Plus the lyrics can leave a lot to be desired.

All that said I find myself lacking passion for this band for the most part, but when I hear songs like the one below I want to kill myself:



“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” - Neil Peart

Wiwille is a giant ass.

Feeling a little under the weather instead of going to the gym I decided to go home, but before I stopped to get my favorite fast food, Subway. I stand in line behind a nerdy looking guy who was starting to place his order. A swarm of people quickly got behind me as hunger seemed to strike the local community.

The geeky gent, dressed in clothes that would guarantee you an ass whooping in high school, decided to shout his order at the poor employees. With the voice of Brainy Smurf he was all but screaming at them, but strangely enough he wasn't angry, just passionate about his sandwich. Still the man helping him was clearly uncomfortable. People behind me were sighing and commenting under their breath. It was annoying that he was broadcasting his taste in subs to us and the rest of the city.

This has got to stop and it was up to me. I was going to speak up and make this nonsense end.

I turn to the guy and ask him to lower his voice. I was getting encouragement from the folks behind me. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. I step closer to him and he turns to look at me.

"Dude," I said. "Do you mind keeping it down? You don't need to shout at them."

He wasn't making eye contact with me which was weird. It was like he was staring at my neck.

"UHHH," he replied still loud enough for the rest of North America to hear. "I'M SORRY."

"Why are you shouting at me?"

"I'M DEAF. I'M VERY SORRY SIR."

Oh...my...God...

"Err," I replied feeling like a horse's ass. "It's ok."

"NO I'M SORRY SIR."

"Please don't be. It's all right."

"I CAN READ LIPS."

"Yes I see."

Suddenly I was reminded of that bad movie with Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor.

He thanked me for whatever reason and continued his order. I turned to look at the people in line who were all wide eyed with shock.

I paid for his sandwich. Hopefully that'll keep me out of hell.

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Honore de Balzac

Erudio

Our secret Kenyan Muslim anti-Christ is now one step forward in indoctrinating our children towards Stalin-esque principles by addressing them in their classrooms and embedding in their minds the evil idea of working hard and staying in school. Parents the country over are tired of such commie ideals and are insisting their precious little snowflakes do not listen to Che's prodigal son.

Seriously parents are you stupid? No really. Turn off the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself why you felt it necessary to forward that email that calls for a boycott. Were you afraid that your child was going to be a single payer health care advocate after the speech? Do you think your parenting was under minded when George Bush the 1st addressed the nation's children asking them to not take drugs? Was it over the line for Reagan to ask kids attending public schools to listen to his announcements of the Challenger tragedy?

You're so dumb I think it's sad you breed. I'm not kidding. I can understand not liking the President nor the curriculum, but to make your child an example of your hatred of our current Commander in Chief is just sad. I listen to you complain about how you want your country back, although you can't tell me where it's gone nor give an example of how you lost it. Still it's your own damn fault Obama became elected. Yes you. You failed to fight for your candidate, because you made excuses like 'I don't have the time' while you sit for hours playing Bejewled as your lovely child ate thumbtacks. You have the time and you know it.

And for the love of all that is holy and good don't give me that line of 'you're not a parent. You don't understand,' when you can't come up with a logical reason for your irrational behavior. I don't have access to nuclear weapons, but I can make an informed opinion of their appropriate use and expect those with codes to such highly dangerous devices to act responsibly.

I saw nothing in Obama's original draft that would indicate anything regarding public policy, but what's funny is how you decry socialism as the ultimate evil to your kids while at the same time actively endorsing it. Do you inform your children to not call the police or fire department when in trouble, because it's a matter best handled by the private sector? And if you hate government run industries so much why is your child in a public school anyways?

Again I can understand not liking the President and/or his policies, but reason must come into play at some point. He simply wanted the children of the nation to hear a message regarding hard work and education, something you are too damn stupid to understand. As Joe Scarborough (of all people) best put it, go ahead with this nonsense. You're only hurting yourselves and your party.

"I've been watching politics for a long time and this is, this one is really over the top. What it shows you is there are a lot of cynical people who try to fan controversy and let's face it, in a country of three hundred million people there are a lot of stupid people too, because if you believe that's it's somehow unhealthy for kids for the President to say work hard and stay in school, you're stupid. In fact, I'm worried for some of those kids, I'm worried for some of those kids of those parents who are upset. I'm not sure they're smart enough to raise those kids." - John Harwood

Thursday Music

Recently an international poll was conducted by three radio stations (UK, Australia, and USA) concerning what was the best song of all time. The results favored Oasis' 'Live Forever' amazingly enough. Fans also voted two other songs from the turbulent band into the top five.

The rest of the results obviously show that most modern music fans have the attention span of someone who would claim Dan Brown as quality literature. Most of the songs in the top ten haven't even had a chance to stand the test of history, like the Killers' 'Mr Brightside'. Good song yes, but clearly undeserving of it's place in the poll. It's like Republicans constantly claiming Reagan as the country's greatest president.

I wonder if polls like this existed back in the early nineties and people voted All-4-One songs as the best ever. It's like music never existed before they hit puberty.

Anyways I'll bring you one of my favorite songs of all time, from what I consider to be the best American film ever. You won't like it for it clearly doesn't have the depth and quality of the Gallaghers.



"With every song that I write, I compare it to the Beatles. The thing is, they only got there before me. If I'd been born at the same time as John Lennon, I'd have been up there." - Noel Gallagher

OASIS HIT VOTED TOP SONG

Wiwille fights bears

I had a very strange dream last night.

My friend Corey was getting married and as a wedding present he asked that I purchase a DVD copy of a Canadian film which wasn't available in the States. An odd request and for the life of me I can't recall what the title was, but I decided to venture north with my friend Andrew.

We were driving up I-5 when Andrew asked that we listen to 'Wouldn't it be Good' over and over again. I asked why and he started screaming at me saying it's the only song that should ever be played as any others were the work of the dark lord Satan. I accused him of sounding like my parents which threw the good lad into a rage as he pounded the dash board demanding that I play the pop tune. I decided to comply with his request.

We make it across the border without incident, but as soon as we crossed the line the entire country was covered in snow. It was like we were transported to the tundra. I pull over to get some gasoline and walk into the store. There was a selection of DVDs and I asked the clerk if they had the movie I was referring to, but he said I could only get it by walking across this frozen field with a guide. I inquired further about why that seemed necessary and he said the movie was deliberately made for only that kind of distribution.

I couldn't figure out if it was a tourism scam or if my friend was into some really kinky porn. Both would've been acceptable.

Anyways some large man came into the store with a boom box playing 'Wouldn't it be Good'. He was dancing along with the song for whatever reason. I left to find the guide.

Andrew and I found the shack with a large amount of people waiting to take the same hike as we. They were all wearing funny hats and mittens. The guide appeared and looked to be in his early forties and bore a strong resemblance to Grizzly Adams. We followed him on his trek to find this film.

We came upon a river and the guide stopped us and asked that we stand still as he was going to show us some bears. I told him that was the worst idea I've ever heard, but he assured me there was nothing to fear. I wasn't buying it though so I took some steps back as I saw two large bears approach the man. What's strange about them was the fact that their fur was blue and mostly patchy. They looked like they were featured in a Resident Evil game.

I backed up even further asking Andrew to do the same. He called me a pansy and stayed close to the guide as did everyone else. Suddenly the bears must have gotten hungry for they lunged at the man and tore him to shreds. Everyone scattered as I walked backwards into a patch of woods. The bears seemed to have their fill of the Canadian and stopped and looked directly at me.

Shit.

They started running towards me as I decided fleeing would be my best option for survival. I tear off into the woods and do my best impression of Carl Lewis. I see before me a Grizzly the size of a Hummer heading towards me. The large bear jumped over me and attacked the my predators making quick dinner out of both. I continue my pace out of there when another blue bear jumped out of nowhere and stood snarling at me. I pick up two large branches from the ground and went into Arnis mode striking the large animal in the skull multiple times. Finally it dropped to the ground bleeding and whimpering.

I run again to the field and finally to my car. Andrew was standing next to it listening to 'Wouldn't it be Good.' Acting as if nothing has happened he mentioned he found a copy of the DVD laying next to the mutilated corpse of the guide and that we should be on our way. I agreed that would be a good idea and we both got in my vehicle and headed back. The dream ended with him snapping his fingers along to the music and asked if I had creamy peanut butter with raisins.

I had nothing exotic for dinner last night.

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase." - Scott Thompson

Wiwille has a maid.

Those who know me understand I'm not the best of house keepers. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather burn down my place and rebuild from scratch rather than clean it, but that's because I like swinging hammers and lighting things on fire while doing my best Beavis impression.

Still my bathroom was in a state that was unfit for human use and comments were thrown my way by all who dared set foot in it without a hazmat suit. My roommate's ex-girlfriend's daughter (say that three times fast) considered the area to be 'gross' and offered her services to clean for a fee.

She's a young one with a hard work ethic so it seemed only right to have her earn some money. Her mom and her stopped by on Sunday and gave the kitchen, living room, and bathrooms a good scrub. Amazingly enough they did not require a pressure washer. I was informed that most of my bathroom items were placed in my medicine cabinet. I had no idea I had one. The mirror is off to the right and almost flush with the wall and I never thought to grab it to see if anything was behind it.

I've been living there for over a year.

After seeing the results I've decided that even if the place needs it or not I'm hiring her again each month. As many who've seen the bathroom before hand commented, I think I got a great deal.

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." - Bob Hope