In keeping with high journalistic standards.

Usually I find entertainment news uninteresting and entertainment journalists to be the stench that is fowler than witnessed working a graveyard shift with a bunch of men. However I find myself being a hypocrite of the highest order when breasts are involved in any story. Whether they be Tara Reid 'accidentally' exposing herself or scaling the walls of Salma Hayek's home only to find it unoccupied therefore I had no choice but to raid her video collection and sit upon her rocking horse shirtless watching Desperado and waiting for her to come home only to be approached by some pain in the ass cop who claims trespassing laws are in fact a big deal....uhh....wait I never did that. Nope. It was someone else. Yeah.

Wow that got a little silly there.

Anyways I believe the red carpet reporter pictured above is a hero in an age of growing cynicism. We need more men like him. In fact I want to be him if not for only that one glorious moment he was blessed with the grace of the classy Scarlett Johansson's assets. She is quite the giver and bless her for it.

"[on sex scenes] A lot of people get nervous. I try to be relaxed. There are those first few takes where you're like, 'This is awkward', and it's hot and you're almost naked, but if someone catches sight of your bare breasts, you think: 'Let them have it and enjoy it for the day'" - Scarlett Johansson

Overrated films part 7.

While not horrible, 'Shakespeare in Love' swept the Academys and brought an enormous following that seemed less like fanfare and more like a religion. Like sci-fi spectacles, such as 'Star Wars' and 'Lord of the Rings', fans of this film seem to take any criticism of it as personal, or worse will question your historical and/or cultural knowledge based upon your enjoyment of this film.

I enjoy the works of William Shakespeare, well most of it. I'm a big fan of 'Twelfth Night', 'A Midsummer Nights Dream', 'Hamlet', and 'Henry V'. 'Romeo and Juliet'; however, is one of my least favorite of his plays. It actually ranks as low as 'A Comedy of Errors' in my book. That being said a movie based upon the creation of his most famous penning of star crossed lovers seemed to be a silly concept.

The main problem I have with the movie is that it was a comedy that is not funny. When sitting in the theatre watching the movie I kept trying to imagine if the main character wasn't Shakespeare would people still be laughing? Would humor this corny work in any other period piece? While the attempts at humor were cute they never produced a laugh out loud chuckle. The famous English playwrite nancied about writing down lines he heard on the street and I waited for a stage hand to pop onto the screen with a sign that said "Laugh people. This is really clever." Gags of mistaken identity were induced, but instead of using the comic timing of 'Twelfth Night' the screenwriters borrowed from the inferior 'A Comedy of Errors'.

'Shakespeare in Love' is entertaining; however it's not great. The furious pacing of the beginning was a little much only to have the film slow way down during it's overdone ending. Characters waxed philosophic at times which were supposed to be profound, but it felt shallow and forced.

This is not to say it didn't have it's high points. Some of the acting was good as well as the look of the period was captured with great authenticity.

After the release of the film Mirimax studios went on a media blitz promoting the acting of Paltrow and Fiennes and praising this movie above superior Best Picture nominated films such as 'Elizabeth'. Actually it was a pretty weak year for Best Picture nominees, but still it's hard to imagine this film in the same camp as 'The Godfather'.

Shakespeare in Love trailer:



"Result resembles one of Neil Simon's middlebrow romps more than it does 'As You Like It'." - Laura Miller

Take two doses of good oral and call me in the morning.

Usually when we get sick we take the age old remedies such as eating chicken soup, resting, and drinking much orange juice. While this is sound reasoning to get over a cold a Swiss researcher has come to the conclusion that the best method for recovery is great sex.

According to Manfred Schedlovski orgasms creates numerous phagocytes which fight your body's ailments. The more orgasms the healthier you will be. "Fuck the sick" is not just a Republican health care plan anymore, but a real humanitarian approach to illness.

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away” - Mae West

Hot sex treats common cold

Reasoning with 4yr olds.

My friend Kevin calls me on Saturday announcing that he has his daughter Crystal over and would like me to come and visit. Her mother is insane and he's had difficulty with her agreeing to visitation rights among other things. I could go on and on about Crystal's mom and how she's not fit to take care of herself much less a child, but it depresses me just to think about it.

I head up to Everett and take the child to Toys R Us which is one of my favorite places ever. Crystal tore up the place taking bikes off the racks and riding them up and down the aisles with great speed. She had to try out every tricycle and bike that was equipped with training wheels or she threw a tantrum. Kevin of course let the derby commence.

After what seemed like forever in the store I finally picked out a My First Leap Pad Learning Desk for her. Kevin was very stoked cause he really wanted some learning toys for her which her mother never provides. We went back to Kevin's place and he stated he had to take his roommate to work and asked if I could watch over her. I agreed and the little one helped me put together the desk. Actually she just barked orders at me while I screwed in the legs of the desk and made sure I was doing it right, cause she "would be mad if it was bwoken."

After I put the thing together we sat down and I showed her how to use the Leap Pad. She was very excited using the pen to touch the characters that all responded to her. It's also loud as hell which I love.

After a while she got sick of my presence and said "You need to weave the woom and shut the dooh or my daddy will be mad".

"No I don't," I replied. "I need to watch over you and children don't tell adults what to do."

"Yes you do oh daddy wuh be mad."

"No he won't. He'd actually be upset if I didn't watch you. Now you do as your told or desk time will be over." I left out the part about if her dad was upset I could care less.

"Noooooooooooo," she cried. Kid has a set of lungs on her.

"Stop the tantrum and be good like your daddy said or I'm taking apart the desk."

Crying ceased.

"Okay," she said with a smile. She then went back to playing with her Leap Pad.

I exited the room and told her the door would stay open so I could keep an eye on her. I wasn't gone 2 minutes when I hear her screaming "Ewik, Ewik, Ewik, Ewik."

"What, what, what?" I said running in the room imagining the worst.

"Wook I made staws," she said with an adorable grin. The desk came with stamps shaped like stars and she showed off her stamp art to me with great pride.

"Right on. That's very pretty. Now if you want to show me something just use your inside voice."

"Okay Ewik."

I go to the kitchen to get her some apple juice and once again she screams "Ewik, Ewik, Ewik, Ewik."

I run back inside assuming she stabbed herself with a sharp object. I find her bouncing on her bed.

"I can jump on my bed,"she said as she giggled.

I told her to stop and reminded her of the story of the monkeys that suffered skull damage while doing such an activity.

"I'm no monkey Ewik," she shot back with a frown.

Can't argue with that really.

She stopped though and I sat her on my lap and told her about the boy who cried wolf. She doesn't like wolves now.

I don't even have kids and already I can see my gross incompetence at child rearing.

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

I'm not rooting for the home team. Deal with it.

The Seattle Seahawks have enjoyed real success this year. They have already scored an impressive record of 13-3. Shaun Alexander became the league MVP. They're healthy and ready to take on the Redskins for a possible playoff win, their first since 1984. Everybody in the area is hooting and hollering about the possibility of the Seahawks going to the Super Bowl for the first time ever.

I don't care. I enjoy football, but I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of the Seahawks just because they are doing well this year. So many times have I heard the line "You have to root for your home team", but when I ask people why they either stare at me dumbfounded or loudly state "because".

Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

For years that team has been terrible to the community of the Puget Sound. They've had a lackluster history bringing in little revenue then turn around and beg the taxpayers to build them a new stadium. They've threatened to move their team and try and hold the city hostage for their corporate welfare scheme. Granted the taxpayers gladly gave them the vote to use public funds to build the stadium overlooking real issues such as education, health care, traffic, etc. I guess everyone who voted for the stadium believes that professional sports are more important than the real public good.

Don't' get me started on the whole Bosworth fiasco.

I'm not going to root for them no matter how successful they are just because I live here. I'm not going to support every policy Bush makes because I'm an American. I'm not going to listen to Modest Mouse because they're from Issaquah. I don't have to give my fandom to anything because they are located near me. Asking someone to blindly use their money and energy into an organization that they don't care about is almost as bad as asking someone not to question the war in Iraq and using the unpatriotic excuse.

Sports fans are no worse than Harry Potter fans. I can say this because I am a fan of sports. Don't ask me to cheer for Hasselbeck or try to stick up for Paul Allen's selling of our public funds or to buy some sort of memorabilia. Oh and if the Seahawks do keep on winning don't ask me to refer to them as 'we'. Neither you or I had anything to do with them winning. I use to play football and I know as well as any player that no amount of fan cheer will help me play better. Anyone else who tells you otherwise is disillusioned or a liar.

I do wish the team success and if you like the Seahawks then enjoy the season by all means. Don't look down on me if I choose not to. Oh and grow the fuck up.

"I've never been one of those crazy guys. It's just that people have an impression that the Boz lives 24-7. Once the game was over, Mr. Hyde was gone and Dr. Jekyll came out." - Brian Bosworth

Dating brought to you by Sean Hannity

Dating websites are nothing new. The internet seemed to be created for the sole purpose of people hooking up. Sean Hannity, famous Fox News naz...err...conservative pundit, has created his own dating service for his radio listeners. The thought of a bunch of Hannity fans breeding disturbs me.

"Iraqis are not going to be bombed by the United States. The United States will use pinpoint accuracy, like we always do." - Sean Hannity

Hannidate

Overrated films part 6.

Next up on the overrated list is 'Gladiator', and no I'm not talking about the boxing movie starring Cuba Gooding Jr (what the hell happened to his career?).

While being technically proficient 'Gladiator' sports some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard in such a critically acclaimed film. The visuals looked good, although the constant use of shaky cam was really annoying. The story seemed to be hashed together by writers working against a short deadline and the preachy nature of the movie really seemed insulting. Trying to tie together the decadent violence of Roman entertainment with modern day voyeurism was way to obvious to me and the script arrogantly tried to make it seem subtle.

"Rome is the mob. Conjure magic for them and they'll be distracted. Take away their freedom and still they'll roar. The beating heart of Rome is not the marble of the senate, it's the sand of the coliseum." Yeah, we got the point very early in the film, but the screenwriters decided to pound it into us for the entire length of it.

I know many people who love this film, but again you have to ask yourself if this really deserves Best Picture and all the critical acclaim and box office success. I like Russell Crowe as an actor. His work in LA Confidential and Romper Stomper was brilliant; however he could not carry this film.

Gladiator trailer:



"There's something Jerry Springeresque about Gladiator." - Christopher Null

In sickness and in health

I woke up this morning coughing up a storm. After the hacking was done I stood up and realized my ears were all clogged and my balance was that of Hunter S Thompson on an ether binge. After a perilous drive to work I sat at my cubicle and contemplated why I even went in tonight. I'm sitting here now drinking tea and as much orange juice as I can muster.

This weekend was rather fun. The Pretty Girl and I went shopping at the local yuppie mall. Most of you who know me are probably chuckling at the thought of this considering what a horrible consumer I am, but I actually had a good time. I stood patiently as she spent what seemed like an eternity looking at bedding, but she found a great deal on sheets and pillowcases. She spent over $300 dollars less then the normal price. Ahh sales.

I morphed from Erik the slob to Erik the dress up doll as I tried on new jeans. Since I've lost the weight I've been sporting jeans that were way to big for me and put off buying new ones. Clothes never really mattered to me as long as they were comfortable; however they were becoming a real eye sore for anyone who saw me in them. I went into the store and grabbed some pants off the rack and made my way to the fitting rooms. At the end of the fitting room hallway were a bunch of women standing there waiting to see their men come out in their new clothes. The girls faces were eager with anticipation in the hopes that their masculine counterparts were finally going a more metro look. Faces were beaming with pleasure as the guys walked out of the rooms all looking at the girls nervous to see what reaction may ensue. The guys all gave me that look that said "We feel your pain. It'll all be over soon. She's going to be happy so just deal with it." The sacrifice of manly dignity was all worth it as I actually like the stuff I got which is a rarity for me when I shop for clothes.

I'm planning a trip to North Carolina to be at Noah and Shari's wedding. The Pretty Girl's parents live there and I'll be meeting them for the first time. Yes I'm nervous as hell, but it'll be cool. Hopefully they won't hate my guts. If I ever have a daughter I pity the boy who comes to meet me.

"Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase." - Erma Bombeck

Sweetie or sucker?

In an attempt to win back his girlfriend Jim Curtin, who collected Elvis memorabilia for over 30 years, has decided to auction off his goods relating to the King. Apparently she left him because she was tired of his time being spent on collecting stuff in his worship of the famous drug addled star.

This poses many interesting questions to the female readers of Erik's Ramblings, if there are any. A lot of times this blog is mostly male centric, which is convenient cause I'm a guy who enjoys sports, beer, fast cars, pin up girls, etc. I also like musicals, old movies, poetry, and other art forms. How I came to this duality of tastes I don't know.

Okay back on track here. Ladies if you happen to meet someone who has an obsession over a hobby that bothers you would you pursue the relationship? If sports annoy you and the guy makes no mention to hide his fascination with a particular game and/or team and you hate everything about it would you still date him? If so would you continue a relationship with said guy would you constantly nag the guy to change his compulsive ways? If so why?

This also poses some questions for guys. Would you give up your plasma TV Sunday football watching because your girl hates it even though she doesn't have to watch it? Would you put aside your restoration of your classic car or any other time consuming hobby all because she desires more time out of you?

I've never understood this kind of thinking. Hobbies and interests don't bother me as long as there's no animal sacrifices or addictions, but if I felt that someone was hooked on something beyond rehabilitation I wouldn't continue to date her. That's just me though.

Now is this guy a sweetie or a sucker?

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley

Man auctions Elvis collection for love

Hey kids. Lets make fun of Chuck Norris. It'll be cool.

So there seems to be quite a trend going on where people are amused by the mildly funny tongue in cheek "facts" about Chuck Norris that is floating everywhere. My inbox today was inundated with emails listing the supposed facts. While some of them are funny you get the idea around the third listing that the rest are going to be about Chuck being a bad ass.

I don't know how this fad got started really. I like making fun of Patrick Swayze, The Hoff, and Pat Buchanan, but I'm always years behind current trends. There is of course the infamous line at the end of Dodgeball where Ben Stiller in a fat suit taunts the muscle bound ninja killer by saying "Fucking Chuck Norris". It's all your fault Ben.

Conan O'Brien hosts the often hilarious Walker Texas Ranger clips. This is where he plays a clip from the show and then berates it. Good stuff.

Conan's "Walker: Texas Ranger" clips

Not to be outdone CollegeHumor.com has several posting of pics of students with pictures of Chuck Norris in their dorm rooms as well as action figures and even art dedicated to the star of Braddock: Missing in Action III.

I've only seen two Chuck Norris movies, Delta Force and Invasion USA. I decided even as a 12 year old that never again would I dare to watch another one. Watching those movies will make you dumber. I blame Chuck for my current adult stupidity. I do own a Total Gym though. That's embarrassing really. Then again I do have a George Foreman Grill. I'm kind of lame.

I so can't wait till it's cool to poke fun at the annoying British guy on American Idol.

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth." - Chuck Norris

Overrated films part 5.

It's really hard to call 'Robin Hood Prince of Thieves' overrated since it did not receive critical acclaim, but the box office success of the miserable film was huge. Everyone I knew loved it and still some people admit they enjoy watching the merry Kevin Costner lead his band of robbers through Sherwood Forrest.

I was really excited to see this movie as a teenager. As a wee lad I was thrilled by the original 'The Adventures of Robin Hood'. My dad bought me a toy bow and arrow set and I shot empty pop cans off the fence with it. When I was twelve I upgraded to a compound bow and shot at targets placed upon hay bales. I also can't count how many times I would run about with toy sword in hand pretending I was kicking the shit out of Prince John and robbing the filthy rich.

The movie came and I took my high school sweetheart. I sat there and thought what a piece of dog turd. Not only did Kevin Costner not look, act, or talk like any Robin Hood anyone imagined, but he displayed zero chemistry with the horrible actress Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. The look of the movie was dark, dreary, and really never captured the life of any of the legends. The only saving grace of the movie was Alan Rickman who really seemed to have fun with role. The dialogue was muted and even the swordplay was mediocre. Don't get me started on the ridiculous attempts at humor.

Now when you think of Robin Hood you normally associate it with family fare, but is showing the Sheriff of Nottingham trying to rape Maid Marian really necessary? Does the movie need to start off with chopping off hands? Since when did anyone view Robin Hood as the brooding thoughtful type and not the character that was full of life and love?

We walked out of the theatre and before I could apologize for taking her to see it she started to skip and tell me how she loved it. I walked along side her thanking God I didn't say something.

And then came the Bryan Adams song. Everyone in my generation knows it for you couldn't escape it. The love ballad sung by our favorite Canadian hit the airways at full steam. Every couple I knew in high school had it designated as their song. I even heard it being played in various retail outfits and yes even at weddings. I wonder if those couples who chose that song for their nuptuals feel ashamed of it.

The song would just not go away. Every station you tuned into had it playing for what seemed like an endless loop. It was miserable I tell you.

A trip down memory lane:



"I draw on my memories but blended with a lot of fantasy...but let's set the record straight on something! The Summer of '69 has nothing to do with the actual year 1969. It's about making love and looking back at the good old times." - Bryan Adams

Pat Robertson starting the New Year with a bang.

The second stroke of Ariel Sharon has the left the world wondering about the future of Israel and the important role he played in giving up land that was acquired during the '67 war to the Palestinians. While the international community waits patiently for any update on the health status of the Israeli Prime Minister Pat Robertson decided to play doctor and use his best excuse for any ailment, The Lord.

Yes the Rev Patrick feels that Sharon is feeling God's wrath because he gave up the almighty's land to the Palestinians. I would've assumed the stroke was the result of being a fatty and having one of the most stressful jobs on the planet, but I'm no physician.

I'm not sure what the exact borders God mapped out for Israel. Regardless Robertson should've have called for prayer for Sharon, who he calls a friend, instead of promoting the idea that God will enact vengeance in the form of poor health even when they lead a gluttonous lifestyle.

"There is no such thing as separation of church and state in the Constitution. It is a lie of the Left and we are not going to take it anymore." - Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson: Sharon’s stroke is God’s wrath

I actually kind of miss the Nigerian scam.

Tired of injustices being handed to the public? Sick of hearing about slick greedy lawyers punishing homeowners for simply having a burglar fall down and break a bone? Well here's a story that proves that there are just and noble courts in our often misguided legal community.

A Florida man was sued by a small ISP, CIS, for spamming. The complaints involved high trafficking of their servers and falsely using the ISP's domain name when sending the emails. The judge ordered the spammer to pony up 11 billion dollars. That's right. $11,000,000,000.

The owner of CIS, Robert Kramer, seems to understand that he'll never see the money; however everyone involved, sans the spammer, seems happy with the judgment. Most ISPs and even consumers know that this ruling will not eliminate spam, nor will it even make much of a dent. Most spam originates from countries such as China and Russia where it's difficult to track the perpetrators.

This is my plea to all of you. Please for the love of all that is holy do not purchase things from spam mail. Their products will not enlarge your breasts or penis, nor will some Nigerian give you over $100,000 for a hundred dollar investment. There is no such thing as an email tracking program and Bill Gates will not send you money for simply sending personal email. Just don't do it.

Purchasing these products and services costs everyone. When spammers clog the servers in ISPs the companies have to hire more labor and more equipment. Who pays? The user of course. Cut the demand and it saves all of us a lot of money.

I wish we could develop a program that would send an electric shock through the mouse when anyone clicks an email that states in it's subject line EN1&R6E YOUR PEN15. Better yet the speakers would loudly boom "YOU HAVE A SMALL WILLY...HAHAHAHA...." in a girly voice over and over again. Would send a lot of idiot men with small pee pees to the unemployment line.

"Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so exciting." - Bill Gates

Clinton Internet provider wins $11B suit against spammer

Arrogant observations about a world I don't understand.

Last night the Pretty Girl and I went and saw Spielberg's 'Munich' after enjoying a great meal with friends at the Claim Jumper. Arguably the worst film to go see after having such a good time. I'm glad I saw it though for it was one of the most thought provoking movie I've seen in a long time.

'Munich' fictionalizes a Mossad group that hunts and assassinates planners of the Black September terrorist organization. Years ago I watched 'One Day in September' which chronicles the events of the Palestinian terrorist group taking Israeli athletes and coaches hostage during the 72 Olympic games. The documentary was extremely powerful and critical of the German authorities incompetence at keeping the hostages alive. The director seems to point blame at the stubbornness of Berlin's sovereignty which kept any other national law enforcement agency out of the picture. However equipped the Germans may or may not have been during the siege is relevant; however it is shadowed in how it escalated violence in the Middle East region and it changed politics not only for the Olympics, but the world in general. Many believe the hijacking of the Lufthansa, which lead to the release of the three surviving Black September members involved in the Munich standoff, was set up by the Germans to wash their hands clean of the event and to help keep more terror attacks out of their country.

The documentary also strengthened my belief that terrorists always win. Now before you call me some Palestinian sympathizer just try and hear me out. At the end of 'One Day In September' one of the remaining survivors from Black September spoke about how proud he was of the work he did in Munich. He and his group wanted to bring attention to their plight and they accomplished just that. By giving the terrorists the media coverage is the first thing they ask for and the one thing they always achieve. The problem is that the logic dictates to keep the world fixated these terrorists keep upping the ante, hence 9/11.

Spielberg's film is his best work in years. I find his body of work truly amazing. Here's a man who can keep America entertained with popcorn fare such as 'Jurassic Park', 'Indiana Jones', and 'E.T.' and yet provide bits of thought provoking films scattered through his list of no brainer entertainment. Some work ('Schindler's List', 'Empire of the Sun') while others simply fail to engage the audience ('Amistad').

Munich; however, provokes thought and discussion about a critical conflict that may be the powder keg of our lifetime. While Spielberg does not provide easy answers to the idea of the morality and consequences of retaliation they are themes worth exploring. The violence in the film is often graphic and brutal not because of the imagery, but by how the audience can see the unintended effects of retaliatory activity. The performances and cinematography are some of the best. Never is a scene sensationalized nor is the use of color or lighting overdramatic. It works best in it's simplicity.

I've read a few articles on both sides of the conflict denouncing this film. For some reason these people believe all discussion around this subject should be silenced. It's amazing that people on both sides can critique the movie's themes and/or agenda. Man hears what he wants to hear I guess.

I have no answer for peace in that region, nor does Spielberg. Sometimes I find myself arrogant enough to even think I might. What can any comfortable American really understand about the plight of the Israeli and Palestinian people? I used to believe naively that Israel should give the Palestinians their own state and that should keep the peace. I came to the conclusion later that the Palestinian leadership is not interested in coexistence. They could give a shit less about a nation. They just want to see the Israelis off the map. They had their chance for a nation and they didn't take it. As long as the Arab nations openly supports or turns a blind eye to the PLO and Hamas peace will never reign. If America and Britain do not choose to demand that Israel take a more reasoned approach to their homicidal policies then the suffering of their people will exist forever.

"Whoever stands by a just cause cannot possibly be called a terrorist." - Yasser Arafat

Overrated films part 4.

The wild success of 'Forrest Gump' baffles me. It really does. This has to be the corniest Best Picture winner since 'The Greatest Show on Earth'.

I'll never forget the day I saw that movie. I was working at a movie theatre and went to a screening of it. For those of you unfamiliar the employees would screen the movies the night before they opened to make sure the projectionist put the film together correctly and to make sure the print didn't have any flaws. Of course we all enjoyed getting to see the films before anyone else.

The movie started and for the first few minutes I found it mildly amusing. Then came the "run Forrest run" scene all set in slow motion with deep classical music pounding in the background. That sequence alone sums up the entire film. The rest of the movie waxes philosophic with humor that seemed only destined for bad sitcoms. Some scenes don't even make much sense and really didn't have a point at all.

The general public loved it. For many months afterwards media outlets and public speakers quoted the wisdoms of the fictional shrimp tycoon. I would stand there at my podium at the movie theatre while people exited the theatre crying and/or praising the film as the second coming of 'Citizen Kane'. People often asked me if it was a true story. Yes that's the power of film. People will believe that if you show Lyndon Johnson your ass he would just crack a smile. I guess there could've been someone who played ping pong and got lucky with a shrimp and computer investment, but even then that's a stretch.

Corny is as corny does and that's the real story of 'Forrest Gump'. Like most overrated films this one did have it's high points such as the cinematography and the acting, but it does not deserve to be in the hallowed halls of great cinema.

One of the worst scenes of this miserable film:



"Stupid is as stupid does, and this movie is, indeed, stupid." - Luke Thompson

Happy New Year

This year brought about many wonderful things. The introduction of Wyatt and Madeline tops the list as well as meeting the Pretty Girl. Another year of watching the nephews grow as well as purchasing loud as hell toys for them which probably annoys the hell out of their parents.

This New Years was pretty mellow. The Jiggaman and the Pretty Girl organized a small get together at my place which turned out to be pretty fun. We drank, played poker, and chimed in the new year with kisses and toasts. Not as wild as the time I thought I was in a different town or the one where AS and I shared an entire bottle of vodka after already spending a few hours drinking heavily. About two thirds into the bottle I realized I was the only one drinking. That had to be the most miserable hangover in the history of drinking. The fact I didn't wake up with a toe tag is nothing short of miraculous.

"New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." - Mark Twain

Not only is it unusual it's freakin insane.

Tom Jones, singer of such ditties as "She's a Lady" and "Thunderball", has entered the knights of the English realm. Yes that Tom Jones. The one your parents listened to and it drove you nuts. You often mocked him in college. You cringed when he was trying to make a comeback in the mid 90s. You really just wanted him to go away. Now he is the recipient of England's highest civilian decoration. God save the Queen for she is truly insane. What's next? Sir Benny Hill? Oh he's dead. That's right.

"You can't be a sexy person unless you have something sexy to offer. With me, it's my voice: the way that I sing, the way I express myself when I sing." - Tom Jones

What's new, Pussycat? It's Sir Tom Jones now.

Need an ego boost?

MyHeritage.com has software that will scan your photo and match which celebrity you most look like. I spent some time scanning me and some friends for matches. Some of the results turned sideways, such as one of my pics had me matched with Kirsten Duntz and another with Leo Dicaprio. WFT?? I look nothing like those two in any pic. Out of all my pics I turned out looking like Kenneth Branagh the most. Sad really I couldn't get matched with Johnny Depp or Sean Connery.

"My definition of success is control." - Kenneth Branagh

Face recognition

Excuse usually reserved for a man.

Usually when you hear about home break ins most of the time it involves theft of goods. Sometimes the stories get strange, like a naked man wearing a Nixon mask raids the panty drawer and pours himself a glass of milk only to be chased off by a robed old guy brandishing a katana. This story though really boggles the mind.

Woman reported to police she woke up to find a stranger typing on her computer. The guy took off, but she found that he had installed erotic screensavers. Now working in tech support I've heard all the excuses for porn on the computer. Usually some man of varying age would call in with a panicked voice demanding we help them remove the naked lesbians from his internet browser before mom, wife, girlfriend, or even boyfriend (yes that was a strange call) got home. Never had I heard them use the someone broke into my house excuse.

If this is true what sent the guy into thinking that breaking into a house and downloading porn was a good idea? I can imagine him watching reruns of Knight Rider then thinking to himself, "I should be the porn fairy and spread the good cheer that is erotic photography to the community."

"They want to be like me . They're seeing the glamour icon but don't realize . . . there are more facets to me besides spreading my legs." - Jenna Jameson

Woman says intruder left porn on her computer

Inspiration.

When I think of people that inspired me back when I was a teenager I remember Ansel Adams, Winston Churchill, Howie Long, and Hunter S Thompson. When you poll teenagers for their inspirtation most would be musicians, religious figures, and other assorted celebrities.

The teen magazine Sugar, which targets teenage girls, recently took a poll of the most inspirational people. The results are:

1 Sienna Miller
2 Gwen Stefani
3 Kerry Katona (I don't even know who that is)
4 Kylie Minogue
5 Hilary Duff
6 Charlotte Church
7 Jessica Simpson
8 Paris Hilton
9 Jessica Alba
10 Christina Aguilera

The fact that any of these people made the list is sad enough, but Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson? Just what do these women inspire the teenagers to do? Ametuer porn and constant exhibitionism?

Why is Sienna Miller inspiring? Is it because she was cheated on by Jude Law? Doesn't this seem ridiculous? Just remember there are reasonable rational adults who find Hillary inspiring for staying with the philandering Bill Clinton.

Now I know this poll is not scientific and doesn't reflect all teenagers, but it still frightens the shit out of me. If any of you have daughters I pity you. If any of those daughters read Sugar I suggest you sit down and have a long talk with them.

"Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?" - Paris Hilton

Sienna Miller is the most inspiring, say teens

Overrated films part 3.

Now to tackle the biggest overrated film of all time, "Titianic". Yes the sensationalized film depicting a love story with one of the most horrific tragedies of all time in the background is quite possibly the most overrated film ever.

I remember coming out of the theatre after I saw it and thinking it was okay. I didn't hate it, but I wasn't really moved by it. I'll get into why later.

Shortly after I saw it the buzz for the film took off at a supersonic pace. News agencies were reporting that people, mostly teenage girls, were watching this film multiple times in the theatres. Some were going into the double digits. Oscar hype came abound and critics were all hailing it as a glorious masterpiece of cinema. Television channels like The History Channel and Discovery were showing all sort of programming dedicated to the real event. I remember watching the television thinking "did they see a different movie than I?"

After "Titanic" tied "Ben-Hur" for the most Oscars the inevitable backlash arose. It suddenly became cool to hate the Leo Dicaprio vehicle. Websites were created only to dedicate themselves to hating the movie. Critics who hadn't voiced their opinion on the film yet seemed obligated to finally point out it's flaws and question the idea of it's greatness. I do believe that most people hate(d) this movie maybe just to feel cool; however they do have a point. The public started to stop and think if it really deserved the title of Best Picture above superior films such as "LA Confidential" and "Goodwill Hunting."

Again I never hated the movie. It wasn't that bad, but there are many problems with it. The dialogue was my main problem as is in most bad movies. I never thought that people in that era ever spoke that way, nor do I believe that when sitting atop a sinking ship with people dying all around her Rose would ever break out the line, "Jack. This is where we first met." The dialogue was that banal and it got even worse in other parts. Listen to Bill Paxton's lines at the end of the film and you'll see. The script was so bad that no one really could pull a decent performance out of it. That's saying a lot considering it had a normally reliable cast.

The 'king of the world' sequence makes me cringe just thinking about it. It really has to be one of the cheesiest scenes ever filmed. Do you know anyone who would act that way? No? That's what I thought.

Just the idea of the hubris behind the tragedy that became such an after thought to the love story really cheapened the who experience for me, plus a lot of the deaths were so sensationalized it made me sad. Really it made me kind of depressed that this was supposed to be some kind of tribute to the lives lost on that horrible night. Maybe it was because we were so disconnected with the tragedy that most audiences didn't view it that way. Ask yourself if they did the same kind of story only set in 9-11 would you accept it as a tribute? Would you not be offended?

And yes the end bothered me. I won't give it away although for those of you who have seen it you probably know what I'm talking about.

There were some good aspects to the film though. The cinemetography was excellent and the costumes and set design were top notch. The special effects were amazing and above all Kate Winslet got naked. God bless her for doing so for she looked great. Hell I'd sit through it again for that scene alone.

One of the great things about the hype of "Titanic" and the after birth of it's backlash is that critics and the public went into "Pearl Harbor" with a more skeptical mind. Maybe they just didn't want to be fooled again into thinking another bad film was great.

The song you all know and love:



"Oh, and one last comment; screw 'Titanic!'" - Kevin Williamson

Titanic in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

The White House and Anna Nicole.

Holy dear god our administration has turned from incompetent to just plain embarrassing. The US solicitor general's office is filing arguments on behalf of the waste of a human life Anna Nicole Smith. The President's top Supreme Court lawyer wants to assist her in her battle to net millions of dollars from the estate of the really old guy she married years ago.

Does the White House want their poll numbers to get even worse? Is it because she's from Texas that they are taking an interest in this? I don't know and I don't really care. I just want it to stop.

Let this be a lesson to all old guys. Do not, I repeat, do not marry strippers when you're 89. They don't love you. They just want some easy cash when you die. In fact the thought of seeing you naked makes them queasy, but they'll do it to get some dough.

"It's very expensive to be me. It's terrible the things I have to do to be me." - Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith gets White House boost

Overrated films part 2.

Next up on the list of overrated films is the wildly successful The Blair Witch Project. I know a lot of you loved this film and may have been genuinely scared by it, but really the movie wasn't great nor was it that good.

The Blair Witch Project is a perfect example of how a film lives or dies by it's marketing and not by it's quality. There was so much hype leading up to the film that it ran amok with rumors that the movie was an actual documentary and that the footage was real. Websites were littered with postings from people who apparently knew the crew involved and gave first hand accounts of their encounters with the Blair Witch.

The whole Blair Witch is a myth. None of the events that happened in the film nor the legend that the characters were supposedly covering ever happened. Snopes.com has a great article about the fabrication behind the film and it's hype. You can read about it here.

Miramax has always been known for cleverly hyping mediocre films into great cinematic masterpieces such as Chicago. Television advertisements were bombarding TV screens all across the country and the movie was hailed by many critics as one of the scariest movies ever. A lot went so far as comparing it to the works of Hitchcock.

Now the premise of The Blair Witch Project is actually pretty cool. The writers/directors used a completely independent low budget and hired three actors and gave them enough supplies for them to survive in the woods. They would give them a opening premise and the actors would adlib all the dialogue. Once they were in the woods they would receive instructions on the next scene and directions to find the other parts of the script. The actors would also film every event. There were no special effects nor were there any real orchestrated music.

The final product was an interesting if not implausible film. While I agree with most that the technique used in making the production was rather bold the movie to me seemed almost laughable.

These three actors are told to film everything while they are supposed to be terrorized by a fictitious unseen witch. The whole concept is ridiculous considering survival instinct would kick in at some point and the crew would drop their cameras and run like hell in any direction. The only problem with that is the last half of the movie couldn't have been shot. The fact that they didn't made them seem stupid to the point where they almost deserve their fate. I'm not sure if that's what the filmmakers wanted, but I found myself almost chuckling at the idea of people put in a perilous situation while looking through a viewfinder.

One of the crew in the film gets kidnapped and taken to a house. The other two finally hear his screams and decide to investigate. They search the seemingly abandoned house yelling for him while having big bulky cameras strapped to them. Now logic would dictate that a weapon and a flashlight would seem like better items to rescue your friends with, but that's just me. Now I'm a big fan of cameras, but when I look for my comrades to help them out of a life or death situation I promise I will not do it while trying to film the entire thing. It just seems silly.

Some apologists for the film have told me that the film wasn't that scary, but it was still great. How? That's like saying a comedy was good even if it wasn't funny. The movie failed to do the one thing it set out to accomplish and that is to provide me with a good fright. Clerks, a low budget comedy, has numerous flaws, but it was funny at least.

The Blair Witch - Attacked In The Tent:



"I'm really proud of Blair Witch Project as a film, but as far as the cultural phenomenon of it-that was just weird luck." - Joshua Leonard

Dirty whores = natural disasters

The fallout and reconstruction after the tsunami that devastated Indonesia is going at a snail's pace and many are trying to find someone or something to blame for the horror that has followed the disaster. Rather than giving the excuse that these events are natural causes an Islamic judge in the region is now found a scapegoat for the wave, women.

Yes women. According to the judge the Koran states that if the women are good the country is good. Nothing brings the wrath of the almighty more then sinning women. So now what are they doing to prevent another natural disaster? The police are rounding up women who don't wear their headscarfs or meet boys in private. They cut their hair and parade them up and down the streets humiliating them. Suspected drinkers, gamblers, and prostitutes get the same treatment. Some judges are calling for the age old customer of hand chopping thieves to be reinstated.

Nero blaming the Christians for the famous Roman fire apparently taught us nothing. If this judge's logic were correct why the hell has Las Vegas never experienced anything like this? You can pay a hottie to get naked and grind you for only $20 in the numerous strip clubs that clutter the city. Not that I would know mind you. This is just what I've heard.

"I write against the religion because if women want to live like human beings, they will have to live outside the religion and Islamic law." - Taslima Nasrin

Tsunami was God's revenge for your wicked ways, women told

Matt's Official Communism Test.

My coworker Elizabeth has Matt's Official Communism Test posted on her web site. This was created as the result of Matt's inability to accept people into our warm melting pot if they don't like Tootsie Rolls or prefer to ride a bicycle. The tongue firmly embedded in cheek test is quite amusing.

I took the test and I'm 23% godless communist according to Matt. His definition of the percentage is:

"All in all, you're not bad. Perhaps it's not your fault; maybe you had a sheltered childhood, or grew up in Oregon or Canada. At any rate, there's still hope for you."

Kind of funny considering I did grow up in Oregon.

"All I know is I'm not a Marxist." - Karl Marx

Matt's Official Communism Test

Overrated films part 1.

Since I'm a huge fan of movies I'd thought I'd start a regular submission specifically for film. After brainstorming about what I would be specifically writing about I came to the conclusion to opine on overrated films. Bad movies would just be too easy and good movies would be too boring. Over hyped films though are fun to pick apart.

First up on the list: "Chicago".

Yes "Chicago". One of the most recent films to memory that everybody said was great, but really wasn't. It was good mind you, but like many films doesn't deserve the title of Best Picture.

Now a lot of you may be thinking that I'm just some beer swizzling, football watching, strip club loving guy who cares nothing for musicals at all. While most of that statement is true I do like musicals. Fiddler on the Roof is one of my favorite movies of all time as well as the Sound of Music. There are many others that I enjoy, such as Paint Your Wagon.

For those of you who haven't seen Chicago the best soundbyte synopsis I can come up with is basically take the theme from "Natural Born Killers" and turn it into a musical. There you have it.

There is not much story in Chicago really. The usually cute, but now emaciated looking Renee Zellweger kills her lover when he renegs on his promise to make her a star. After the murder Renee and lawyer Richard Gere then lead a song and dance routine while manipulating the media and the public into making Renee a legend and to get her cleared of the charges against her. Oh and Catherine Zeta Jones is in it and works as a plot device to add conflict and to try to make the story a little bit deeper.

In one scene Gere stands in front of the courtroom defending Renee. He breaks out into a tap dance and sings about giving them the "ol razzle and dazzle" to persuade the jury that Renee is the real victim in the case. When I saw it I really thought he was actually speaking to the audience. While Chicago looks good and has great choreography there really isn't much substance and it's very predictable.

My favorite part of the hype to the film is Queen Latifah. She sports dyed hair and plays a prison guard who has certain 'affections' for her inmates. Oh and she acts real tough. She's involved in one song where the Queen sings about how much of a bad ass she is. For some reason the Academy thought that was a real stretch for her and gave her a Best Supporting Actress nomination. Many critics hailed her brilliant performance. Wow. Her career has been followed by such gems as "Taxi".

Many people hate most action films cause there's no story to most of them. They complain about all the gunplay and fighting, but they can't deal with the lack of a detailed plot regardless of how well done the action is. Why does a movie with a bunch of singing and dancing and no real solid narrative get a bunch of Oscars and extreme critical praise then? Why give what basically is a talent show of a film a free ride? Why did this film get the Best Picture Oscar over the vastly superior "The Pianist"?

I imagine that there's an audience, including myself, that would like to see Hollywood musicals make a comeback. Most musicals nowadays are exclusively set for animation. Given that people are so desperate to see a good live action musical on the big screen I imagine that they really didn't given a damn about all the numerous flaws associated with Chicago and praised it to no end. Luckily the hype has diminished and people quite rightly ignored such underwhelming efforts such as "Phantom of the Opera" and "Rent".

Cell Block Tango:



"Like Moulin Rouge, this film (Chicago) relies on the barest threads of narrative. The real purpose is the musical numbers, with the plot existing only to tie them into some kind of coherent whole." - Rob Vaux.

My luck has run out.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas. Mine was filled with family, drink, food, and song. Okay there was no song.

I just checked the results of the Fantasy Football Super Bowl which is being battled by my team, The Nashville Tax Burdens, and Paul's team, the Seattle Porn Surfing Slackers. My team racked an impressive 103 points; however the Porn Surfing Slackers racked up 117 points with their defense still left to play tomorrow. Shaun Alexander scored him over 30 points alone. Oh the agony of defeat.

So I've been crowned the first loser in the Redmond Open Football League this year; however I'm still happy I made it that far. I'm going to make sure that Paul makes good on his promise to submit most of his winnings on beer for our league party.

"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser." - Vince Lombardi

From the land of sky blue waters...Update.

UPDATE: This page has the actual Hamm's beer song, plus other beer commerical jingles. Enjoy.

Great Beer Jingles

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright

Merry Christmas.

I wish all three of you who read my blog a Merry Christmas. My Christmas will be like most of yours which is getting together with family, eating, probably binge drinking, and receiving a really ugly sweater from Grandma. There will be no sleeping with Victoria's Secret models this year sadly for Santa has decreed that I've been naughty.

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas I decided to be a giver of humorous holiday video which of course was taken from someone who took it from someone and so forth.

First up we have the biggest party fowl ever caught on film at a work holiday event. Some drunk girl decided to stare into a camera and rip the hell out of her boss who was standing right behind her. If that wasn't funny enough the excuses she makes to him are comedy gold.

A trip to the unemployment line.

Next up we have the strange, but humorous Burger King employee singing his own rendition of an infamous Christmas carol. This has been floating around for years and it always seems to bring a smile to me for some reason.

Ding fries are done.

Thirdly we have the demagogue Fox News pundit John Gibson being called a fraud when it comes to his much ballywhooed "War on Christmas" book and segments. He went ape shit. The good folks at Crooks and Liars have the video.

John fighting the so called 'good fight'.

Speaking of Victoria's Secret the guys at Zipperfish.com have put up a video which shows the holidays can be all about hot girls strutting around in skimpy outfits. I've been saying this for years.

Victoria's Secret holiday show.

In all seriousness have a safe and Merry Christmas from the folks, okay folk, at Erik's Ramblings.

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." - P.J. O'Rourke

From the land of sky blue waters...

As a youngster I looked forward to Saturday mornings. I would wake up excited to view the adventures of Bugs, Mask, and the Dungeons and Dragons gang. Adding to my adolescent delight was the wonderment of the Hamm's Beer bear.

After the cartoons ran there usually was some sort of sporting event that was telecast. Back in those days it was usually boxing. Dad would then enter the living room and we would sit and watch two people beat the hell out of each other.

The commercials for the Saturday morning cartoons were your standard fare of sugar cereals, toys, and the Kool Aid guy busting through a wall screaming "Oh yeah" for no apparent reason. Once the cartoons ended the commercials then switched immediately to car and beer advertisements.

The Hamm's Beer commercial was my favorite commercial ever. It consisted of this catchy jingle which had an Indian beat stolen straight from bad 50s western and contained the following lyrics:

From the land of sky blue waters,
Waters,
From the land of pines, lofty balsam,
Comes the beer refreshing,
Hamm's the beer refreshing,
Hamm's

Not only was the song cool, but the animation that coincided was truly amazing to a seven year old. While the jingle played a cartoon bear would do all sorts of daredevil activities including skydiving, waterskying, and hang gliding. After the bear was done he would grab a can of Hamm's beer while a load of woodland creatures would gather around him and gaze upon the awesome presence that was the adrenaline junkie.

I marveled at it. The commercial played for years and on school field trips the kids would sing it.

Left row: From the land of sky blue waters.

Right row: Waters.

Left row: From the land of pines, lofty balsam. Comes the beer refreshing.

Both rows: Hamm's the beer refreshing. Hamm's.

The teachers would join in the revelry and joy was had by all who paid homage to the beer that fueled the exploits of our panda colored Evel Knievel bear.

Years later when I was a teenager I got my first opportunity to purchase and drink beer without my parents' supervision. The guy who was purchasing for us took down orders. When he came to me my first thought was to order Hamm's.

Now I've had beer before. Usually my folks would pour me a little bit of their beer and I got to have a taste. They never drank Hamm's preferring the darker beers. You would never catch them drinking stuff like Miller, Old Milwaukee, Coors, etc.

When the guy came back with the beer I was ecstatic. I held the can of beer and noted the cartoon bear on the label. It was my time to finally crack one open and toast all the entertainment that the Hamm's brewery has brought to children everywhere. I lifted the can to my lips and was good and ready to pay homage to my favorite bear.

It was quite possibly the foulest thing I ever tasted. It was the most watered down nasty beer that most of my Bud Light drinking friends wouldn't even touch. I gulped down the concoction in disbelief wondering how anyone in their right mind would ever drink this stuff on a regular basis. After that first gulp I stood in anger over the product that I imagined to be the nectar of the gods which turned out to be swamp water. My bear lied to me. I was pissed.

"Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long." - Carl Worner

This page has a MIDI file of the jingle.

Nashville Tax Burdens are going to the Super Bowl.

In proving that luck is more important than skill my fantasy football team is heading to the Super Bowl next week. My Nashville Tax Burdens will be facing the Seattle Porn Surfing Slackers in glorious battle for fantasy dominance. $110 will go to the winner while $60 dollars will go to the big fat loser, which will probably be me.

This season has been a little strange given that out of all the teams that entered the playoffs I tied the Los Angeles Jazz with the worst record as well as scoring the least amount of regular season points. Here I am though facing Paul's team who won last week after an odd concession. Still I can't complain about my success considering all the bad decisions I made early in the season.

CS truly believes that he offended God when he changed his franchise name to the Waco Branch Davidians. His record of 3-10 is ample proof that blasphemy of David Koresh will bring the almighty's wrath, at least according to CS. I stand firm in my theory that the FBI, still angry at the Texas cult, is behind this and devised a successful plot to injure, maim, and torture any and all of CS's players.

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle-victorious." - Vince Lombardi

I beg you.

Our dear President was so concerned about the recent New York Times article on federal wiretapping across international lines that he reportedly invited, make that pleaded, publisher Aurthur Sulzberger to the Oval Office to discuss the ramifications of the article.

Since the administration is taking such a pounding lately Karl Rove is apparently getting so desperate that he's pulling out all stops in playing damage control. He and the rest of his lackeys are failing at a terrible rate.

Now I don't associate myself with a major political party, but I do feel strongly that the Democrats must take Congress in this next election. If they do impeachment proceedings may happen. I for one am all for it.

Whether it be the ludicrous war, Valerie Plame, torture, failed social security plan, etc. our current idiot in chief is destroying this nation's body politic. Even though impeachment may happen it's highly unlikely that 2/3 of the Congress will vote him out; however we must set a precedent that this behavior by a President is unacceptable to the American people.

This is where I call on you dear friends. Vote this next election. If you hate Bush and/or the Republican controlled legislature half as much as I do then for the love of God do something. Vote. That's it. Cast your ballot. It takes only about an hour. Just do it people. It's important. No it's critical. The fate of our great nation and the lives of many depend on it. Karl Rove's puppet must be held in check.

Thanks to all two of you for reading.

"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." - Karl Rove

Bush Personally Tried to Kill Story

We've been lied to.

A lot of women I know are self concious about their looks. Most of them are really pretty girls, at least in my opinion; however some do spend a lot of time dreaming of acheiving that magazine cover look. I find it sad really, cause those images are so unrealistic. They're all retouched to obscene levels.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this website. It shows how much is altered to try and make a woman look like what society deems as perfect beauty. While the subjects are good looking in their own right the artist still feels the need to enlarge breats, tighten up the stomachs, etc. I'm actually kind of surprised at the length they go to retouch a photo. It's depressing that these people fill a demand, but I guess if the public keep buying magazines like Glamour they will continue to find work.

Now I do admit I have at times read Playboy so I am kind of a hypocrite, but I do understand that those images will not appear before me in real life and in fact I don't care if they do. The imperfections of a woman are just as adorable as the perfections.

"Beauty is an experience, nothing else. It is not a fixed pattern or an arrangement of features. It is something felt, a glow or a communicated sense of fineness. What ails us is that our sense of beauty is so bruised and blunted, we miss all the best." - D. H. Lawrence

Peter Jackson is being labeled a racist, again.

Abraham Lincoln once said "If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will." I now believe this quote applies to finding things racist in entertainment. Peter Jackson, director of small indie films such as LOTR, has been accused of racism not for one film, but two. There may be more accusations that I'm not aware of.

When Return of the King, the third film in the LOTR trilogy, was released I read an article that accused Jackson and his fellow screenwriters of racism. The author cited such as examples as the fact the humans fighting for Sauron were portrayed as easterners having such traits as dark skin and wearing 'tribal' gear. Fear of a black planet was supposedly what Tolkein and Jackson really wanted to portray. The columnist also felt the line "Rise men of the west," used by Aragorn to rally his army to fight to the death, was an obvious battle cry only worthy of the aryan nation.

I wish I had the specific article for you to read for yourself, but I can't find it anywhere. There are many other articles like this which you can find by simply doing a Google search.

Now there are writers who are complaining about the racisit adittudes in King Kong. Yes King Kong. The silly little adventure story about a film director traveling to a island to find an huge ape that falls in love has suddenly became deep on many levels. There are reporters who really feel strongly that the oversized primate is a metaphor for the white mans' fear of a black man loving the white woman and that all who touch "our" ladies should be shot by biplanes. Even the tribals who worshipped Kong are seen as negative stereotypes of so called primitive people.

I haven't seen the new version of King Kong yet, nor am I that excited to view it. I'll see it at some point, but I have seen the original many times. I've also suffered through the bad 70s remake. These ridiculous attempts by columnists to constantly label things or try to stir up controversy; however groundless, makes me really hate the state of journalism today.

I'm not going to try and counter every point these columnists make as I'm sure you're a smart enough individual who can do that for themselves. I will; however, take their blabberings a step further.

King Kong is racist against white people. You see white people board a ship and go into a native unknown land for sheer profit motivation. They take what they like from their culture and exploit it back home, then they kill what they don't understand. The bi-planes used to kill Kong are a direct metaphor for the KKK. Whitey is being unfairly portrayed as violent colonialist profit whores. I could go on, but I'll stop now.

"Jackson doesn't deal with the implicit racism of King Kong—the implication that Kong stands for the black man brought in chains from a dark island (full of murderous primitive pagans) and with a penchant for skinny white blondes." - David Edelstein.

In its darkness, 'Kong' shows the human heart

White hot chocolate rules.

I went to a holiday party on Saturday night over at Matt and Jen's place. Matt made some fine white hot chocolate. I've never had it before, but I hope to again. Rich, but delicious.

The party was fun. We had white elephant gifts which were passed around while Matt gave the queues 'right' and 'left' from a story. I ended up with tea which I unfortunatley left there. I was hoping for the jelly beans and lollipop. Sadly that gift was passed left one too many times.

It was a good get together filled with drink, food, and good company. I did find out that some people there refer to me as the "ass man" which is a story for another blog. Good times.

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry Seinfeld

What a fine way to end a date.

I've been on some bad dates before. Most people have. Usually when a date goes pretty sour it's normal ettique to end the date politley and make your way home. A Pakastani couple decided that stabbing each other was the appropriate method.

Apparently the female received an intimate text message on her cell phone. The guy insisted on viewing the message and decided that cooler heads never prevail. The couple then went violent on each other with sharp objects.

I consider myself a pretty rational person so the idea of stabbing someone on a date for any reasons defies all sense of logic. Now I'm sure some of my dates wanted to stab themselves for being so bored, but never me. Then again...

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." - Jim Bishop

Lovers arrive at JPMC after stabbing each other

A wedding and an auto accident.

This weekend was full of goodies. I finally got my shopping done which is a relief to end all. I came underbudget this year which is a rarity for me. I buy too much stuff for my nephews anyways.

My shopping was less then successful though. Earlier this month I decided to get a stocking stuffer for the Pretty Girl. I went to an online store to find some USC memorabilia. I find a pair of Game Cock earrings. Hey she likes her old college stomping grounds and she likes jewelry. I thought I was a friggin genius. She then pings me one day and tells me she's wearing USC stuff including earrings. Ye Gods.

CS has been wanting Battlefront 2 for about a month. I went out and picked it up for him. The next day we converse over IM and he tells me I should come over and play Battlefront 2 since he just bought it. Crap.

I made other purchases and I do hope they like them as much.

Friday consisted of a gift exchange with Ellie, her boyfriend Friend (yes that's his given name), and Tristan. Ellie gave me a Star Wars Pez dispenser collectors set which is way cool. It's proudly displayed in my bedroom. I bought her a naughty gift set. Use your imagination. Friend was kind of weirded out that someone other then her boyfriend got her that stuff, but I assured him that it was for the both of them. Besides it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Saturday I went to Harang's wedding. It was at the Blessed Sacrament church in Seattle. Beautiful church really. I envied the photographer. She must have got some great shots in that place.

The 'Here Comes the Bride' march was replaced by 'Tiny Dancer' sans vocals. Interesting.

It was a good service. The Jiggaman looked all dapper in his tux and Harang had that combination nervous but happy grin throughout. I've been to many weddings since I used to be a photographer and I've never seen a bride look more excited. If I get a bride I pray that she's that happy.

I started to travel to the reception and I missed my turn onto Union. I turn right on the next block and a pedestrian walked in front of me. I slam the brakes and so did the guy behind me. The guy behind him however kept going and I ended up getting rearended. I immediately jump out of the car and see the guy behind me was bleeding. He only had a lap belt in the car and he ate the steering wheel. I check on the guy behind me who's fighting to get out behind the air bag. Thankfully mine didn't deploy.

We pull off to a parking lot and I called the cops. There was no damage to my car, but I stuck around to make a statement. Johnny Law didn't show up for about 40 minutes and it took forever to get it all worked out since he was attending to the guy bleeding. He may need dental work, but really he was fine. Luckily you can't even tell my car was even hit. After the whole ordeal was done I figured the reception was probably winding down anyways so I went home.

"Now join hands, and with your hands your hearts." - William Shakespeare

Oprah, crusader for all that is shallow..

Oprah seems to be the untouchable star. No one seems to want to criticize anything she does for fear of being labeled a misogynist, racist, or simply being outside the norm. I have many issues with what she has done to our culture and I don't make any apologies for my negative feeling for her show, magazine, icon status, etc.

There are many reasons to dislike Oprah's show if not for the fact that she spoon fed Dr Phil's career. That reason alone makes my dislike for her justified. Dr Phil started out as a simpleton psychologist who appeared often on Oprah's show telling people what was wrong with them. He basically uses the Dr Laura approach. Although he's a little less abrasive and far less controversial then the homophobe radio host the celebrity doctor is just as obnoxious and nauseating. He now has his own television show and has decided to take up crusading for justice in Aruba. Given the fact that the general public loves nothing more then to hear people tell the mindless public what they 'need to hear', often referred to as 'tough love', his status as a daytime entertainer will be with us for years.

Oprah changed television, but really has it been for the better? Considering her superficial celebrity interviews and her obsession with her weight fluxuations, has she raised the bar for intelligent, reasoned debate? When she seems to tackle a serious subject it is nothing but a show of what her audience believes to be profound one liners. Handling issues of rape, domestic violence, and marital problems with sound bytes is not only shallow, but can be destructive.

Now a lot of people think that if she wasn't around someone else would step in, but I think this is wrong. There's no denying her talent. She has developed herself into an untouchable when it comes to negative press and her charisma reaches around the world. This is the danger of celebrity culture. Open your history books or just pick up your newspaper and see how the famous have damaged our body politic. If you're still searching your brain for an example let me remind you that a horrible actor is now basically in charge of economic policy for the world's third largest economy.

Now there are things Oprah has done that are great, if not just for the fact she's been a great role model for women everywhere as far as success is concerned, but please take into account her body of work before you worship at the altar of the daytime television diva.

"My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." - Oprah Winfrey

Nun abuse.

Chinese authorities arrested eleven people for beating the snot out of sixteen nuns. Ensuring a quick trip to Hades 40 guys armed themselves with sticks and stormed a scheduled to be demolished church when the Catholic servants refused to leave. Not surpisingly the Vatican quickly denounced the violence.

It would have been cool if the nuns were trained in the martial arts and whooped ass on the thugs. Sister Mary Numchucks would have a bunch of throwing stars hidden under her garments and Mother Amy Akido would throw down with her dragon fist Kung-Fu style. It would make a great straight to video film starring Billy Zane and Michele Yeoh.

"You don't see the streets crawling with priests and nuns the way you used to. A lot of the priests go around now in ordinary civilian clothes. And it's hard to distinguish a nun from a housewife anymore except they have a special kind of haircut." - Frank McCourt

Chinese police detain eleven people for allegedly beating up nuns

Denver Post reporter uncovers secret of Hooters. He seemed to be surprised that their main attraction isn't their food.

Denver Post reporter John Henderson has been awarded today's Captain Obvious award for penning a mildly amusing story regarding the phenomenon that is Hooters. In his experience he found that the scantily clad waitresses were encouraged to keep a "socially acceptable" figure and often flirted with customers to receive bigger tips. He also notes that the food is incredibly bad and his experience there was enough to warrant him to never return.

How enlightening. I mean sure the article is tongue in cheek, but still how did this pass the editorial staff? It's not even that funny.

It may surprise some of you that I've never eaten at a Hooters restaurant. Even more surprising is that I really don't plan to. The idea of being served by hot women is nice; however I'd rather have good food. If I want pretty girls to flirt with me and pretend to act as if I'm the second coming of Johnny Depp I'll take my business to Rick's.

"Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters." - Jay Leno

Visit to Hooters uncovers secret to its success