Aug 24, 2006

My rules for manhood.

My old friend John, who I haven't spoke to in person in years, posted a 28 rules of manhood which had such gems as:

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

And my all time favorite:

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

While these are indeed humorous I decided to take it a step further and write my own. Hope you enjoy:

1: You will not listen to and enjoy KD Lang, Melissa Ethridge, The Cure, and/or Madonna. If you find a friend owning any of their albums then desecration is allowed.

2: It is not okay to watch The Gilmore Girls, 90210, or any soap opera. If you're caught doing so you must declare that you only view it for the hot women.

3: If you own any album by Chicago without the express intent of using it to woo a female you are officially eligible for masculine intervention.

4: Reading poetry is okay, but only if deemed appropriate by the masculine overlords, namely me.

5: It is not okay to have a subscription to People magazine or Entertainment Weekly unless it's for the sole purpose of using as toilet paper.

6: If a woman asks you if they look fat in an article of clothing lie. If you don't then you need to be educated in the Darwinian principle of only the strong survive.

7: It is never okay to wear pastel colors in the gym. In fact it's not okay to wear it anywhere.

8: Never ask your friends if they think your girlfriend is hot. No good can come from this.

9: If your girlfriend/wife asks for a three way with your best friend leave her immediately.

10: Unless your arm has been severed in a freak carpentry accident it is never okay to let men see you cry.

11: When one of your friends dates a girl that female is off limits for life. In fact you may want to hash this out in writing.

12: You must never own 'The Cutting Edge' or any romantic comedy starring Mandy Moore on DVD. No exceptions.

13: Thou shall never use the services of a tanning salon.

14: You will not own and use bath accessories unless they are to be utilized for two. Come to think of it you will never take a bath alone.

15: Furry toilet seat covers are unacceptable. In fact all toilet seats should all be made out of steel.

16: If you and your friends are involved in a competitive activity, such as flag football, poker, or video games, you will never stop activity to answer a call from your girlfriend/wife. In fact it should be turned off.

17: If you have beer in your fridge you must offer it to your friend. If they complain about the quality then violence is acceptable.

18: Even though you may wear them you must always maintain that you hate polo shirts. Loudly exclaim that only children, teenagers, and men who enjoy ballroom dancing should be the only people wearing them.

19: You may have many masculine traits about you, but you can piss them all away if you drink lite beer.

20: You will never kiss another man on the lips. I shouldn't have to explain this.

I think that's enough for now.

"Nothing is either all masculine or all feminine except having sex." - Marlo Thomas


Scott said...

All true, all true.


Mattbear said...

Naturally, I disagree with many of these, but I think the fact that I am comfortable enough in my heterosexual manliness to wear a kilt would already indicate a difference in philosophy there. I'm not even going to comment on these, except this one:

"9: If your girlfriend/wife asks for a three way with your best friend leave her immediately."

Are you out of your mind? You lose man points just for suggesting one should pass on that.

Wiwille said...

Mattbear - Yes wearing a kilt is all about being comfortable with your manhood and not about having horrible taste in ridiculous trends that somehow pride themselves as being so outside the mainstream that they "sell freedom". Yes I should purchase an overpriced garment to truly experience life as a free man.

Okay I feel better now.

And dude there is no way I'm losing man points for not fucking a girlfriend with Corey. Now if it were her best friend that would be a different story.

If you want to get naked in the same room with Corey well I suggest you take this up with him.

Mattbear said...

Ah...I misread that. I thought it did say "her bestfriend". That's what I get for reading too fast.

PaBLo G said...

can I have my Madonna cd back? LMAO