Not only is it unusual it's freakin insane.

Tom Jones, singer of such ditties as "She's a Lady" and "Thunderball", has entered the knights of the English realm. Yes that Tom Jones. The one your parents listened to and it drove you nuts. You often mocked him in college. You cringed when he was trying to make a comeback in the mid 90s. You really just wanted him to go away. Now he is the recipient of England's highest civilian decoration. God save the Queen for she is truly insane. What's next? Sir Benny Hill? Oh he's dead. That's right.

"You can't be a sexy person unless you have something sexy to offer. With me, it's my voice: the way that I sing, the way I express myself when I sing." - Tom Jones

What's new, Pussycat? It's Sir Tom Jones now.

Need an ego boost?

MyHeritage.com has software that will scan your photo and match which celebrity you most look like. I spent some time scanning me and some friends for matches. Some of the results turned sideways, such as one of my pics had me matched with Kirsten Duntz and another with Leo Dicaprio. WFT?? I look nothing like those two in any pic. Out of all my pics I turned out looking like Kenneth Branagh the most. Sad really I couldn't get matched with Johnny Depp or Sean Connery.

"My definition of success is control." - Kenneth Branagh

Face recognition

Excuse usually reserved for a man.

Usually when you hear about home break ins most of the time it involves theft of goods. Sometimes the stories get strange, like a naked man wearing a Nixon mask raids the panty drawer and pours himself a glass of milk only to be chased off by a robed old guy brandishing a katana. This story though really boggles the mind.

Woman reported to police she woke up to find a stranger typing on her computer. The guy took off, but she found that he had installed erotic screensavers. Now working in tech support I've heard all the excuses for porn on the computer. Usually some man of varying age would call in with a panicked voice demanding we help them remove the naked lesbians from his internet browser before mom, wife, girlfriend, or even boyfriend (yes that was a strange call) got home. Never had I heard them use the someone broke into my house excuse.

If this is true what sent the guy into thinking that breaking into a house and downloading porn was a good idea? I can imagine him watching reruns of Knight Rider then thinking to himself, "I should be the porn fairy and spread the good cheer that is erotic photography to the community."

"They want to be like me . They're seeing the glamour icon but don't realize . . . there are more facets to me besides spreading my legs." - Jenna Jameson

Woman says intruder left porn on her computer

Inspiration.

When I think of people that inspired me back when I was a teenager I remember Ansel Adams, Winston Churchill, Howie Long, and Hunter S Thompson. When you poll teenagers for their inspirtation most would be musicians, religious figures, and other assorted celebrities.

The teen magazine Sugar, which targets teenage girls, recently took a poll of the most inspirational people. The results are:

1 Sienna Miller
2 Gwen Stefani
3 Kerry Katona (I don't even know who that is)
4 Kylie Minogue
5 Hilary Duff
6 Charlotte Church
7 Jessica Simpson
8 Paris Hilton
9 Jessica Alba
10 Christina Aguilera

The fact that any of these people made the list is sad enough, but Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson? Just what do these women inspire the teenagers to do? Ametuer porn and constant exhibitionism?

Why is Sienna Miller inspiring? Is it because she was cheated on by Jude Law? Doesn't this seem ridiculous? Just remember there are reasonable rational adults who find Hillary inspiring for staying with the philandering Bill Clinton.

Now I know this poll is not scientific and doesn't reflect all teenagers, but it still frightens the shit out of me. If any of you have daughters I pity you. If any of those daughters read Sugar I suggest you sit down and have a long talk with them.

"Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?" - Paris Hilton

Sienna Miller is the most inspiring, say teens

Overrated films part 3.

Now to tackle the biggest overrated film of all time, "Titianic". Yes the sensationalized film depicting a love story with one of the most horrific tragedies of all time in the background is quite possibly the most overrated film ever.

I remember coming out of the theatre after I saw it and thinking it was okay. I didn't hate it, but I wasn't really moved by it. I'll get into why later.

Shortly after I saw it the buzz for the film took off at a supersonic pace. News agencies were reporting that people, mostly teenage girls, were watching this film multiple times in the theatres. Some were going into the double digits. Oscar hype came abound and critics were all hailing it as a glorious masterpiece of cinema. Television channels like The History Channel and Discovery were showing all sort of programming dedicated to the real event. I remember watching the television thinking "did they see a different movie than I?"

After "Titanic" tied "Ben-Hur" for the most Oscars the inevitable backlash arose. It suddenly became cool to hate the Leo Dicaprio vehicle. Websites were created only to dedicate themselves to hating the movie. Critics who hadn't voiced their opinion on the film yet seemed obligated to finally point out it's flaws and question the idea of it's greatness. I do believe that most people hate(d) this movie maybe just to feel cool; however they do have a point. The public started to stop and think if it really deserved the title of Best Picture above superior films such as "LA Confidential" and "Goodwill Hunting."

Again I never hated the movie. It wasn't that bad, but there are many problems with it. The dialogue was my main problem as is in most bad movies. I never thought that people in that era ever spoke that way, nor do I believe that when sitting atop a sinking ship with people dying all around her Rose would ever break out the line, "Jack. This is where we first met." The dialogue was that banal and it got even worse in other parts. Listen to Bill Paxton's lines at the end of the film and you'll see. The script was so bad that no one really could pull a decent performance out of it. That's saying a lot considering it had a normally reliable cast.

The 'king of the world' sequence makes me cringe just thinking about it. It really has to be one of the cheesiest scenes ever filmed. Do you know anyone who would act that way? No? That's what I thought.

Just the idea of the hubris behind the tragedy that became such an after thought to the love story really cheapened the who experience for me, plus a lot of the deaths were so sensationalized it made me sad. Really it made me kind of depressed that this was supposed to be some kind of tribute to the lives lost on that horrible night. Maybe it was because we were so disconnected with the tragedy that most audiences didn't view it that way. Ask yourself if they did the same kind of story only set in 9-11 would you accept it as a tribute? Would you not be offended?

And yes the end bothered me. I won't give it away although for those of you who have seen it you probably know what I'm talking about.

There were some good aspects to the film though. The cinemetography was excellent and the costumes and set design were top notch. The special effects were amazing and above all Kate Winslet got naked. God bless her for doing so for she looked great. Hell I'd sit through it again for that scene alone.

One of the great things about the hype of "Titanic" and the after birth of it's backlash is that critics and the public went into "Pearl Harbor" with a more skeptical mind. Maybe they just didn't want to be fooled again into thinking another bad film was great.

The song you all know and love:



"Oh, and one last comment; screw 'Titanic!'" - Kevin Williamson

Titanic in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

The White House and Anna Nicole.

Holy dear god our administration has turned from incompetent to just plain embarrassing. The US solicitor general's office is filing arguments on behalf of the waste of a human life Anna Nicole Smith. The President's top Supreme Court lawyer wants to assist her in her battle to net millions of dollars from the estate of the really old guy she married years ago.

Does the White House want their poll numbers to get even worse? Is it because she's from Texas that they are taking an interest in this? I don't know and I don't really care. I just want it to stop.

Let this be a lesson to all old guys. Do not, I repeat, do not marry strippers when you're 89. They don't love you. They just want some easy cash when you die. In fact the thought of seeing you naked makes them queasy, but they'll do it to get some dough.

"It's very expensive to be me. It's terrible the things I have to do to be me." - Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith gets White House boost

Overrated films part 2.

Next up on the list of overrated films is the wildly successful The Blair Witch Project. I know a lot of you loved this film and may have been genuinely scared by it, but really the movie wasn't great nor was it that good.

The Blair Witch Project is a perfect example of how a film lives or dies by it's marketing and not by it's quality. There was so much hype leading up to the film that it ran amok with rumors that the movie was an actual documentary and that the footage was real. Websites were littered with postings from people who apparently knew the crew involved and gave first hand accounts of their encounters with the Blair Witch.

The whole Blair Witch is a myth. None of the events that happened in the film nor the legend that the characters were supposedly covering ever happened. Snopes.com has a great article about the fabrication behind the film and it's hype. You can read about it here.

Miramax has always been known for cleverly hyping mediocre films into great cinematic masterpieces such as Chicago. Television advertisements were bombarding TV screens all across the country and the movie was hailed by many critics as one of the scariest movies ever. A lot went so far as comparing it to the works of Hitchcock.

Now the premise of The Blair Witch Project is actually pretty cool. The writers/directors used a completely independent low budget and hired three actors and gave them enough supplies for them to survive in the woods. They would give them a opening premise and the actors would adlib all the dialogue. Once they were in the woods they would receive instructions on the next scene and directions to find the other parts of the script. The actors would also film every event. There were no special effects nor were there any real orchestrated music.

The final product was an interesting if not implausible film. While I agree with most that the technique used in making the production was rather bold the movie to me seemed almost laughable.

These three actors are told to film everything while they are supposed to be terrorized by a fictitious unseen witch. The whole concept is ridiculous considering survival instinct would kick in at some point and the crew would drop their cameras and run like hell in any direction. The only problem with that is the last half of the movie couldn't have been shot. The fact that they didn't made them seem stupid to the point where they almost deserve their fate. I'm not sure if that's what the filmmakers wanted, but I found myself almost chuckling at the idea of people put in a perilous situation while looking through a viewfinder.

One of the crew in the film gets kidnapped and taken to a house. The other two finally hear his screams and decide to investigate. They search the seemingly abandoned house yelling for him while having big bulky cameras strapped to them. Now logic would dictate that a weapon and a flashlight would seem like better items to rescue your friends with, but that's just me. Now I'm a big fan of cameras, but when I look for my comrades to help them out of a life or death situation I promise I will not do it while trying to film the entire thing. It just seems silly.

Some apologists for the film have told me that the film wasn't that scary, but it was still great. How? That's like saying a comedy was good even if it wasn't funny. The movie failed to do the one thing it set out to accomplish and that is to provide me with a good fright. Clerks, a low budget comedy, has numerous flaws, but it was funny at least.

The Blair Witch - Attacked In The Tent:



"I'm really proud of Blair Witch Project as a film, but as far as the cultural phenomenon of it-that was just weird luck." - Joshua Leonard

Dirty whores = natural disasters

The fallout and reconstruction after the tsunami that devastated Indonesia is going at a snail's pace and many are trying to find someone or something to blame for the horror that has followed the disaster. Rather than giving the excuse that these events are natural causes an Islamic judge in the region is now found a scapegoat for the wave, women.

Yes women. According to the judge the Koran states that if the women are good the country is good. Nothing brings the wrath of the almighty more then sinning women. So now what are they doing to prevent another natural disaster? The police are rounding up women who don't wear their headscarfs or meet boys in private. They cut their hair and parade them up and down the streets humiliating them. Suspected drinkers, gamblers, and prostitutes get the same treatment. Some judges are calling for the age old customer of hand chopping thieves to be reinstated.

Nero blaming the Christians for the famous Roman fire apparently taught us nothing. If this judge's logic were correct why the hell has Las Vegas never experienced anything like this? You can pay a hottie to get naked and grind you for only $20 in the numerous strip clubs that clutter the city. Not that I would know mind you. This is just what I've heard.

"I write against the religion because if women want to live like human beings, they will have to live outside the religion and Islamic law." - Taslima Nasrin

Tsunami was God's revenge for your wicked ways, women told

Matt's Official Communism Test.

My coworker Elizabeth has Matt's Official Communism Test posted on her web site. This was created as the result of Matt's inability to accept people into our warm melting pot if they don't like Tootsie Rolls or prefer to ride a bicycle. The tongue firmly embedded in cheek test is quite amusing.

I took the test and I'm 23% godless communist according to Matt. His definition of the percentage is:

"All in all, you're not bad. Perhaps it's not your fault; maybe you had a sheltered childhood, or grew up in Oregon or Canada. At any rate, there's still hope for you."

Kind of funny considering I did grow up in Oregon.

"All I know is I'm not a Marxist." - Karl Marx

Matt's Official Communism Test

Overrated films part 1.

Since I'm a huge fan of movies I'd thought I'd start a regular submission specifically for film. After brainstorming about what I would be specifically writing about I came to the conclusion to opine on overrated films. Bad movies would just be too easy and good movies would be too boring. Over hyped films though are fun to pick apart.

First up on the list: "Chicago".

Yes "Chicago". One of the most recent films to memory that everybody said was great, but really wasn't. It was good mind you, but like many films doesn't deserve the title of Best Picture.

Now a lot of you may be thinking that I'm just some beer swizzling, football watching, strip club loving guy who cares nothing for musicals at all. While most of that statement is true I do like musicals. Fiddler on the Roof is one of my favorite movies of all time as well as the Sound of Music. There are many others that I enjoy, such as Paint Your Wagon.

For those of you who haven't seen Chicago the best soundbyte synopsis I can come up with is basically take the theme from "Natural Born Killers" and turn it into a musical. There you have it.

There is not much story in Chicago really. The usually cute, but now emaciated looking Renee Zellweger kills her lover when he renegs on his promise to make her a star. After the murder Renee and lawyer Richard Gere then lead a song and dance routine while manipulating the media and the public into making Renee a legend and to get her cleared of the charges against her. Oh and Catherine Zeta Jones is in it and works as a plot device to add conflict and to try to make the story a little bit deeper.

In one scene Gere stands in front of the courtroom defending Renee. He breaks out into a tap dance and sings about giving them the "ol razzle and dazzle" to persuade the jury that Renee is the real victim in the case. When I saw it I really thought he was actually speaking to the audience. While Chicago looks good and has great choreography there really isn't much substance and it's very predictable.

My favorite part of the hype to the film is Queen Latifah. She sports dyed hair and plays a prison guard who has certain 'affections' for her inmates. Oh and she acts real tough. She's involved in one song where the Queen sings about how much of a bad ass she is. For some reason the Academy thought that was a real stretch for her and gave her a Best Supporting Actress nomination. Many critics hailed her brilliant performance. Wow. Her career has been followed by such gems as "Taxi".

Many people hate most action films cause there's no story to most of them. They complain about all the gunplay and fighting, but they can't deal with the lack of a detailed plot regardless of how well done the action is. Why does a movie with a bunch of singing and dancing and no real solid narrative get a bunch of Oscars and extreme critical praise then? Why give what basically is a talent show of a film a free ride? Why did this film get the Best Picture Oscar over the vastly superior "The Pianist"?

I imagine that there's an audience, including myself, that would like to see Hollywood musicals make a comeback. Most musicals nowadays are exclusively set for animation. Given that people are so desperate to see a good live action musical on the big screen I imagine that they really didn't given a damn about all the numerous flaws associated with Chicago and praised it to no end. Luckily the hype has diminished and people quite rightly ignored such underwhelming efforts such as "Phantom of the Opera" and "Rent".

Cell Block Tango:



"Like Moulin Rouge, this film (Chicago) relies on the barest threads of narrative. The real purpose is the musical numbers, with the plot existing only to tie them into some kind of coherent whole." - Rob Vaux.

My luck has run out.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas. Mine was filled with family, drink, food, and song. Okay there was no song.

I just checked the results of the Fantasy Football Super Bowl which is being battled by my team, The Nashville Tax Burdens, and Paul's team, the Seattle Porn Surfing Slackers. My team racked an impressive 103 points; however the Porn Surfing Slackers racked up 117 points with their defense still left to play tomorrow. Shaun Alexander scored him over 30 points alone. Oh the agony of defeat.

So I've been crowned the first loser in the Redmond Open Football League this year; however I'm still happy I made it that far. I'm going to make sure that Paul makes good on his promise to submit most of his winnings on beer for our league party.

"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser." - Vince Lombardi

From the land of sky blue waters...Update.

UPDATE: This page has the actual Hamm's beer song, plus other beer commerical jingles. Enjoy.

Great Beer Jingles

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" - Stephen Wright

Merry Christmas.

I wish all three of you who read my blog a Merry Christmas. My Christmas will be like most of yours which is getting together with family, eating, probably binge drinking, and receiving a really ugly sweater from Grandma. There will be no sleeping with Victoria's Secret models this year sadly for Santa has decreed that I've been naughty.

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas I decided to be a giver of humorous holiday video which of course was taken from someone who took it from someone and so forth.

First up we have the biggest party fowl ever caught on film at a work holiday event. Some drunk girl decided to stare into a camera and rip the hell out of her boss who was standing right behind her. If that wasn't funny enough the excuses she makes to him are comedy gold.

A trip to the unemployment line.

Next up we have the strange, but humorous Burger King employee singing his own rendition of an infamous Christmas carol. This has been floating around for years and it always seems to bring a smile to me for some reason.

Ding fries are done.

Thirdly we have the demagogue Fox News pundit John Gibson being called a fraud when it comes to his much ballywhooed "War on Christmas" book and segments. He went ape shit. The good folks at Crooks and Liars have the video.

John fighting the so called 'good fight'.

Speaking of Victoria's Secret the guys at Zipperfish.com have put up a video which shows the holidays can be all about hot girls strutting around in skimpy outfits. I've been saying this for years.

Victoria's Secret holiday show.

In all seriousness have a safe and Merry Christmas from the folks, okay folk, at Erik's Ramblings.

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." - P.J. O'Rourke

From the land of sky blue waters...

As a youngster I looked forward to Saturday mornings. I would wake up excited to view the adventures of Bugs, Mask, and the Dungeons and Dragons gang. Adding to my adolescent delight was the wonderment of the Hamm's Beer bear.

After the cartoons ran there usually was some sort of sporting event that was telecast. Back in those days it was usually boxing. Dad would then enter the living room and we would sit and watch two people beat the hell out of each other.

The commercials for the Saturday morning cartoons were your standard fare of sugar cereals, toys, and the Kool Aid guy busting through a wall screaming "Oh yeah" for no apparent reason. Once the cartoons ended the commercials then switched immediately to car and beer advertisements.

The Hamm's Beer commercial was my favorite commercial ever. It consisted of this catchy jingle which had an Indian beat stolen straight from bad 50s western and contained the following lyrics:

From the land of sky blue waters,
Waters,
From the land of pines, lofty balsam,
Comes the beer refreshing,
Hamm's the beer refreshing,
Hamm's

Not only was the song cool, but the animation that coincided was truly amazing to a seven year old. While the jingle played a cartoon bear would do all sorts of daredevil activities including skydiving, waterskying, and hang gliding. After the bear was done he would grab a can of Hamm's beer while a load of woodland creatures would gather around him and gaze upon the awesome presence that was the adrenaline junkie.

I marveled at it. The commercial played for years and on school field trips the kids would sing it.

Left row: From the land of sky blue waters.

Right row: Waters.

Left row: From the land of pines, lofty balsam. Comes the beer refreshing.

Both rows: Hamm's the beer refreshing. Hamm's.

The teachers would join in the revelry and joy was had by all who paid homage to the beer that fueled the exploits of our panda colored Evel Knievel bear.

Years later when I was a teenager I got my first opportunity to purchase and drink beer without my parents' supervision. The guy who was purchasing for us took down orders. When he came to me my first thought was to order Hamm's.

Now I've had beer before. Usually my folks would pour me a little bit of their beer and I got to have a taste. They never drank Hamm's preferring the darker beers. You would never catch them drinking stuff like Miller, Old Milwaukee, Coors, etc.

When the guy came back with the beer I was ecstatic. I held the can of beer and noted the cartoon bear on the label. It was my time to finally crack one open and toast all the entertainment that the Hamm's brewery has brought to children everywhere. I lifted the can to my lips and was good and ready to pay homage to my favorite bear.

It was quite possibly the foulest thing I ever tasted. It was the most watered down nasty beer that most of my Bud Light drinking friends wouldn't even touch. I gulped down the concoction in disbelief wondering how anyone in their right mind would ever drink this stuff on a regular basis. After that first gulp I stood in anger over the product that I imagined to be the nectar of the gods which turned out to be swamp water. My bear lied to me. I was pissed.

"Who does not love beer, wine, women and song remains a fool his whole life long." - Carl Worner

This page has a MIDI file of the jingle.

Nashville Tax Burdens are going to the Super Bowl.

In proving that luck is more important than skill my fantasy football team is heading to the Super Bowl next week. My Nashville Tax Burdens will be facing the Seattle Porn Surfing Slackers in glorious battle for fantasy dominance. $110 will go to the winner while $60 dollars will go to the big fat loser, which will probably be me.

This season has been a little strange given that out of all the teams that entered the playoffs I tied the Los Angeles Jazz with the worst record as well as scoring the least amount of regular season points. Here I am though facing Paul's team who won last week after an odd concession. Still I can't complain about my success considering all the bad decisions I made early in the season.

CS truly believes that he offended God when he changed his franchise name to the Waco Branch Davidians. His record of 3-10 is ample proof that blasphemy of David Koresh will bring the almighty's wrath, at least according to CS. I stand firm in my theory that the FBI, still angry at the Texas cult, is behind this and devised a successful plot to injure, maim, and torture any and all of CS's players.

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is the moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle-victorious." - Vince Lombardi

I beg you.

Our dear President was so concerned about the recent New York Times article on federal wiretapping across international lines that he reportedly invited, make that pleaded, publisher Aurthur Sulzberger to the Oval Office to discuss the ramifications of the article.

Since the administration is taking such a pounding lately Karl Rove is apparently getting so desperate that he's pulling out all stops in playing damage control. He and the rest of his lackeys are failing at a terrible rate.

Now I don't associate myself with a major political party, but I do feel strongly that the Democrats must take Congress in this next election. If they do impeachment proceedings may happen. I for one am all for it.

Whether it be the ludicrous war, Valerie Plame, torture, failed social security plan, etc. our current idiot in chief is destroying this nation's body politic. Even though impeachment may happen it's highly unlikely that 2/3 of the Congress will vote him out; however we must set a precedent that this behavior by a President is unacceptable to the American people.

This is where I call on you dear friends. Vote this next election. If you hate Bush and/or the Republican controlled legislature half as much as I do then for the love of God do something. Vote. That's it. Cast your ballot. It takes only about an hour. Just do it people. It's important. No it's critical. The fate of our great nation and the lives of many depend on it. Karl Rove's puppet must be held in check.

Thanks to all two of you for reading.

"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers." - Karl Rove

Bush Personally Tried to Kill Story

We've been lied to.

A lot of women I know are self concious about their looks. Most of them are really pretty girls, at least in my opinion; however some do spend a lot of time dreaming of acheiving that magazine cover look. I find it sad really, cause those images are so unrealistic. They're all retouched to obscene levels.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this website. It shows how much is altered to try and make a woman look like what society deems as perfect beauty. While the subjects are good looking in their own right the artist still feels the need to enlarge breats, tighten up the stomachs, etc. I'm actually kind of surprised at the length they go to retouch a photo. It's depressing that these people fill a demand, but I guess if the public keep buying magazines like Glamour they will continue to find work.

Now I do admit I have at times read Playboy so I am kind of a hypocrite, but I do understand that those images will not appear before me in real life and in fact I don't care if they do. The imperfections of a woman are just as adorable as the perfections.

"Beauty is an experience, nothing else. It is not a fixed pattern or an arrangement of features. It is something felt, a glow or a communicated sense of fineness. What ails us is that our sense of beauty is so bruised and blunted, we miss all the best." - D. H. Lawrence

Peter Jackson is being labeled a racist, again.

Abraham Lincoln once said "If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will." I now believe this quote applies to finding things racist in entertainment. Peter Jackson, director of small indie films such as LOTR, has been accused of racism not for one film, but two. There may be more accusations that I'm not aware of.

When Return of the King, the third film in the LOTR trilogy, was released I read an article that accused Jackson and his fellow screenwriters of racism. The author cited such as examples as the fact the humans fighting for Sauron were portrayed as easterners having such traits as dark skin and wearing 'tribal' gear. Fear of a black planet was supposedly what Tolkein and Jackson really wanted to portray. The columnist also felt the line "Rise men of the west," used by Aragorn to rally his army to fight to the death, was an obvious battle cry only worthy of the aryan nation.

I wish I had the specific article for you to read for yourself, but I can't find it anywhere. There are many other articles like this which you can find by simply doing a Google search.

Now there are writers who are complaining about the racisit adittudes in King Kong. Yes King Kong. The silly little adventure story about a film director traveling to a island to find an huge ape that falls in love has suddenly became deep on many levels. There are reporters who really feel strongly that the oversized primate is a metaphor for the white mans' fear of a black man loving the white woman and that all who touch "our" ladies should be shot by biplanes. Even the tribals who worshipped Kong are seen as negative stereotypes of so called primitive people.

I haven't seen the new version of King Kong yet, nor am I that excited to view it. I'll see it at some point, but I have seen the original many times. I've also suffered through the bad 70s remake. These ridiculous attempts by columnists to constantly label things or try to stir up controversy; however groundless, makes me really hate the state of journalism today.

I'm not going to try and counter every point these columnists make as I'm sure you're a smart enough individual who can do that for themselves. I will; however, take their blabberings a step further.

King Kong is racist against white people. You see white people board a ship and go into a native unknown land for sheer profit motivation. They take what they like from their culture and exploit it back home, then they kill what they don't understand. The bi-planes used to kill Kong are a direct metaphor for the KKK. Whitey is being unfairly portrayed as violent colonialist profit whores. I could go on, but I'll stop now.

"Jackson doesn't deal with the implicit racism of King Kong—the implication that Kong stands for the black man brought in chains from a dark island (full of murderous primitive pagans) and with a penchant for skinny white blondes." - David Edelstein.

In its darkness, 'Kong' shows the human heart

White hot chocolate rules.

I went to a holiday party on Saturday night over at Matt and Jen's place. Matt made some fine white hot chocolate. I've never had it before, but I hope to again. Rich, but delicious.

The party was fun. We had white elephant gifts which were passed around while Matt gave the queues 'right' and 'left' from a story. I ended up with tea which I unfortunatley left there. I was hoping for the jelly beans and lollipop. Sadly that gift was passed left one too many times.

It was a good get together filled with drink, food, and good company. I did find out that some people there refer to me as the "ass man" which is a story for another blog. Good times.

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry Seinfeld

What a fine way to end a date.

I've been on some bad dates before. Most people have. Usually when a date goes pretty sour it's normal ettique to end the date politley and make your way home. A Pakastani couple decided that stabbing each other was the appropriate method.

Apparently the female received an intimate text message on her cell phone. The guy insisted on viewing the message and decided that cooler heads never prevail. The couple then went violent on each other with sharp objects.

I consider myself a pretty rational person so the idea of stabbing someone on a date for any reasons defies all sense of logic. Now I'm sure some of my dates wanted to stab themselves for being so bored, but never me. Then again...

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." - Jim Bishop

Lovers arrive at JPMC after stabbing each other

A wedding and an auto accident.

This weekend was full of goodies. I finally got my shopping done which is a relief to end all. I came underbudget this year which is a rarity for me. I buy too much stuff for my nephews anyways.

My shopping was less then successful though. Earlier this month I decided to get a stocking stuffer for the Pretty Girl. I went to an online store to find some USC memorabilia. I find a pair of Game Cock earrings. Hey she likes her old college stomping grounds and she likes jewelry. I thought I was a friggin genius. She then pings me one day and tells me she's wearing USC stuff including earrings. Ye Gods.

CS has been wanting Battlefront 2 for about a month. I went out and picked it up for him. The next day we converse over IM and he tells me I should come over and play Battlefront 2 since he just bought it. Crap.

I made other purchases and I do hope they like them as much.

Friday consisted of a gift exchange with Ellie, her boyfriend Friend (yes that's his given name), and Tristan. Ellie gave me a Star Wars Pez dispenser collectors set which is way cool. It's proudly displayed in my bedroom. I bought her a naughty gift set. Use your imagination. Friend was kind of weirded out that someone other then her boyfriend got her that stuff, but I assured him that it was for the both of them. Besides it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Saturday I went to Harang's wedding. It was at the Blessed Sacrament church in Seattle. Beautiful church really. I envied the photographer. She must have got some great shots in that place.

The 'Here Comes the Bride' march was replaced by 'Tiny Dancer' sans vocals. Interesting.

It was a good service. The Jiggaman looked all dapper in his tux and Harang had that combination nervous but happy grin throughout. I've been to many weddings since I used to be a photographer and I've never seen a bride look more excited. If I get a bride I pray that she's that happy.

I started to travel to the reception and I missed my turn onto Union. I turn right on the next block and a pedestrian walked in front of me. I slam the brakes and so did the guy behind me. The guy behind him however kept going and I ended up getting rearended. I immediately jump out of the car and see the guy behind me was bleeding. He only had a lap belt in the car and he ate the steering wheel. I check on the guy behind me who's fighting to get out behind the air bag. Thankfully mine didn't deploy.

We pull off to a parking lot and I called the cops. There was no damage to my car, but I stuck around to make a statement. Johnny Law didn't show up for about 40 minutes and it took forever to get it all worked out since he was attending to the guy bleeding. He may need dental work, but really he was fine. Luckily you can't even tell my car was even hit. After the whole ordeal was done I figured the reception was probably winding down anyways so I went home.

"Now join hands, and with your hands your hearts." - William Shakespeare

Oprah, crusader for all that is shallow..

Oprah seems to be the untouchable star. No one seems to want to criticize anything she does for fear of being labeled a misogynist, racist, or simply being outside the norm. I have many issues with what she has done to our culture and I don't make any apologies for my negative feeling for her show, magazine, icon status, etc.

There are many reasons to dislike Oprah's show if not for the fact that she spoon fed Dr Phil's career. That reason alone makes my dislike for her justified. Dr Phil started out as a simpleton psychologist who appeared often on Oprah's show telling people what was wrong with them. He basically uses the Dr Laura approach. Although he's a little less abrasive and far less controversial then the homophobe radio host the celebrity doctor is just as obnoxious and nauseating. He now has his own television show and has decided to take up crusading for justice in Aruba. Given the fact that the general public loves nothing more then to hear people tell the mindless public what they 'need to hear', often referred to as 'tough love', his status as a daytime entertainer will be with us for years.

Oprah changed television, but really has it been for the better? Considering her superficial celebrity interviews and her obsession with her weight fluxuations, has she raised the bar for intelligent, reasoned debate? When she seems to tackle a serious subject it is nothing but a show of what her audience believes to be profound one liners. Handling issues of rape, domestic violence, and marital problems with sound bytes is not only shallow, but can be destructive.

Now a lot of people think that if she wasn't around someone else would step in, but I think this is wrong. There's no denying her talent. She has developed herself into an untouchable when it comes to negative press and her charisma reaches around the world. This is the danger of celebrity culture. Open your history books or just pick up your newspaper and see how the famous have damaged our body politic. If you're still searching your brain for an example let me remind you that a horrible actor is now basically in charge of economic policy for the world's third largest economy.

Now there are things Oprah has done that are great, if not just for the fact she's been a great role model for women everywhere as far as success is concerned, but please take into account her body of work before you worship at the altar of the daytime television diva.

"My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." - Oprah Winfrey

Nun abuse.

Chinese authorities arrested eleven people for beating the snot out of sixteen nuns. Ensuring a quick trip to Hades 40 guys armed themselves with sticks and stormed a scheduled to be demolished church when the Catholic servants refused to leave. Not surpisingly the Vatican quickly denounced the violence.

It would have been cool if the nuns were trained in the martial arts and whooped ass on the thugs. Sister Mary Numchucks would have a bunch of throwing stars hidden under her garments and Mother Amy Akido would throw down with her dragon fist Kung-Fu style. It would make a great straight to video film starring Billy Zane and Michele Yeoh.

"You don't see the streets crawling with priests and nuns the way you used to. A lot of the priests go around now in ordinary civilian clothes. And it's hard to distinguish a nun from a housewife anymore except they have a special kind of haircut." - Frank McCourt

Chinese police detain eleven people for allegedly beating up nuns

Denver Post reporter uncovers secret of Hooters. He seemed to be surprised that their main attraction isn't their food.

Denver Post reporter John Henderson has been awarded today's Captain Obvious award for penning a mildly amusing story regarding the phenomenon that is Hooters. In his experience he found that the scantily clad waitresses were encouraged to keep a "socially acceptable" figure and often flirted with customers to receive bigger tips. He also notes that the food is incredibly bad and his experience there was enough to warrant him to never return.

How enlightening. I mean sure the article is tongue in cheek, but still how did this pass the editorial staff? It's not even that funny.

It may surprise some of you that I've never eaten at a Hooters restaurant. Even more surprising is that I really don't plan to. The idea of being served by hot women is nice; however I'd rather have good food. If I want pretty girls to flirt with me and pretend to act as if I'm the second coming of Johnny Depp I'll take my business to Rick's.

"Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters." - Jay Leno

Visit to Hooters uncovers secret to its success

In the playoffs.

After an up and down fantasy football regular season I suprisingly made the playoffs. My first playoff game was last week and I took on the Los Angeles Jazz, who recently moved their franchise from New Orleans. The Nashville Tax Burdens were victorious by 40.95 points. A great win for me; however next week's game against the San Francisco 69ers will be a tough game.

Whatever happens I'm just happy I made the playoffs this year. Considering some of the idiotic decisions I made this year it's a miracle I lasted this long.

"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important like a league game or something." - Dick Butkus

Redmond Open Football League (ROFL)

Possible double standard?

A 22 year old man faces 50 years in prison for impregnating and marrying a 14 year old girl. I'm interested to see how much time he actually gets for this heinous act. I'm betting it's far more time than Debra LaFave or Pamela Rogers will serve. Then again he might be hot.

"I don't make decisions based on how someone looks. They could be a model or at the end of the line. That's not a consideration for a judge in a sentencing." - Judge Hale Stancil, judge overseeing the LaFave case.

Man faces 50 years for sex with bride, 14

Drunk staff

Last night I went to the Comedy Underground. They had an open mic night which can be hit and miss. Unfortunately this night was mostly miss.

The host was okay and a few comedians produced some genuine laughs, but out of 19 only about 4 were any good. Lenny Bruce they were not. One comedian seemed to get angry at us and told us to f**k off under her breath. I'd be angry if I didn't have free tickets.

There was another comedian who made jokes about her/his sex change. She, as she preferred to be called, made some jokes that some of us were mulling over later. We had no idea what she was referencing and decided it would be best to just let it go.

There was a comic with a guitar that was actually clever. Unfortunately I missed one of his songs due to the fact that two waitresses came by and started taking our order. Using their outside voice they laughed and repeated themselves and it was obvious to us that they were drunk. A girl in our party saw them taking shots in the bathroom.

So the end of the night roles around and we try to collect the tab. After the usual split the tab confusion ensued I wait to get my credit card. After much waiting a girl in our party and her friend went to complain to the staff. The waitress then claimed she brought us the card.

Oh hell they lost it. They went in search of the card and I had visions of the worst, such as a guy running up a huge bill and seeing many holiday checks bounce. I decided to keep cool and not say much and let them hunt. Deep..calming..soothing breaths.

After much jack assery the waitress finally found it. She had to lift a tray off the counter which she thought was a part of the counter. Not kidding. She was that hammered. I paid my bill and walked out.

One girl in our party complained to the owner and got me free passes. If I do go back I'm bringing cash.

"It's a very difficult thing to master. I don't think that many people have the light touch that comedy commands." - Bea Arthur

Road rage and Hoo Hos.

Road rage: Saturday was my company Holiday party. I told the Pretty Girl I'd pick her up by 7:30p in Seattle. I thought I'd get off work by 5p, head home to change, go to Bellevue to run the errand, then head to Seattle and go back to Bellevue so we could go straight to the party.

It was a smooth idea. The reality was a nightmare. I head into downtown Bellevue and travel near Bell Square. Traffic was insane. I had to move one lane over and not one of those miserable SUV driving soccer moms let me in. Not one.

No big deal I thought. I'll just go around the block. This is the block of Bell Square mind you, the yuppiest mall in the Seattle area. There were armies of Christmas Shoppers trying to get out of the mall parking garage and into the street. One area was so bad there was a cop directing traffic to let people out of the garage. Yes the city had the police force out to accomodate the consumers. Total time going around said block: 40 minutes. Yes 40 minutes, 20 of which were spent at one stop light. I'm glad I don't carry a gun.

Uhg. I tried to finally get to the street I needed, but they had it closed for what seemed like some impromptu parade. I gave up and headed to Seattle on 520 only to face a parking lot. I then turned around and headed down to 1-90 and then finally made it in Seattle.

The errand had to wait until we got back.

Hoo Hoes: The Pretty Girl and I head into the Holiday party. It was packed. There were what seemed like thousands of people all jammed in the Bellevue Hyatt. There were many rooms filled with all sorts of interesting activities. They had crafts such as making tea, stockings, and candles. They had four bands in different areas and three places to eat.

The Pretty Girl and I went and ate on the main floor. There was a long line of people and I started to wonder if we were even going to run into anyone we knew. AG showed up and cut in line with us. She bragged about her new dress which did look good. She was accompanied by EB, who was nowhere to be found at the time.

The line went right in front of the stage of a horrendous rockabilly band. We stood in front of the speakers listening to ridiculous covers of Johnny Cash hits. I almost lost my appetite.

After dinner we meet up with MH, JL, EB, MH's sister, and Donna. All of us headed to a place called the Peppermint Palace, which was an outdoor heated tent. They had a great bar and couches to sit in. The big bonus is it wasn't jam packed with people. There was actual elbow room. A jazz band showed up and they were extremely talented.

A couple of strange thing happened while we were there. A drum band came marching through the place for what seemed like no apparent reason. I still haven't figured out what their purpose was. I laid eyes on a guy who looked exactly like an evil twin of Russ. This guy really looked like he was plotting to take over the world. I wish I took a picture of him.

The there were what I call the Hoo Hoes. The party had a Grinch theme and they hired what seemed like a bunch of teenage cheerleaders and dressed them up in skimpy Hoo outfits. They handed out fliers and passed out various other party amenities. The Pretty Girl was extremely annoyed by them.

All in all a good party.

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - Dylan Thomas

Another great stab at unoriginality.

Given the success of 'Dukes of Hazard' and 'Starsky and Hutch' Hollywood, in their infinite wisdom, decided to dig deeper into the vault of really bad 70s television and thought "hey why don't we make a 'Chips' movie?" Yes the Erik Estrada vehicle, which launched his career into a black hole of suck, will be shown on the silver screen.

Wilmer Valderrama of That 70s Show fame, but best known for seeing Lindsay Lohan naked, will play Ponch. Cameos by overexposed mildly funny celebrities will ensue.

I really hope this bombs like the Bewitched movie did. Then again I also wish Salma Hayek would finally accept my marriage proposal(s). You'd think 476 times would wear a girl down, but no she has to be stubborn and not accept the fact that we're soul mates. I also would imagine the threat(s) to throw myself off a...uhh...okay...back on topic.

Uhh...this is going to suck. Yeah..suck.

"I always loved Ponch. It was so much fun for me to be him, to put on my duds, get on that bike and bust the bad guys, help out the kids, and to get the babes." - Erik Estrada

Valderrama saddles up for 'CHiPs'

Iranian respect for Israel.

Now it's no secret that almost all of the Middle East hates Israel, but there are still some that believe peace in the region is possible. I really don't understand that mode of thinking. If peace will reign there it definitely won't happen in our lifetime.

Take for instance Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's feelings on the Jewish state. He and many other public figures believe that the Holocaust was exaggerated and that Europe should give up their land and move the state of Israel there.

I find myself disagreeing with a lot of what Israel does to fight suicide bombers, but what the hell do we really know? We have one attack and we think we're battle hardened whereas that country deals with it on a monthly basis at least. Imagine yourself trying to make plans to go out with your friends and taking into account the idea that you might die. This has never crossed my mind when choosing a club.

Peace will never happen there. Give up any delusions, cause it's just not going to happen. People will still attack Israel, even if the Palestinians are granted there own state. Israel will then retaliate and the rest of the world will be pissed off at them, because they didn't use "restraint" when faced with the deaths of civilians. It's truly maddening.

"Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail," - Ahmadinejad.

Iran's president questions Holocaust

To tree or not to tree.

I was thinking about asking my roommates what they thought about getting a Christmas tree. I don't think they'd be too hip to the idea, then again they may not care at all. Maybe if I promise to decorate it with pornography they'd be more open to the possibility.

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~P.J. O'Rourke

The intelligent design debate just turned ugly.

A Kansas professor was beaten and hospitalized allegedly for pulling a class concerning the intelligent design theory. The two men that beat him supposedly made remarks about his successful campaign to yank the class while they pummeled him.

This has gotten beyond ridiculous. I was pretty neutral on the intelligent design idea patiently waiting to review the evidence supporting the claim. Frustrated by the lack of study shown by the media I decided to surf and try to find it myself. Low and behold there hasn't been any research, at least none that's been submitted to the scientific academia.

Basically supporters of intelligent designs' only argument to the theory of evolution is that the probability is so dramatically high that there must be some sort of guiding force. There is no proper way to test this theory as it is abstract, but they still want our public school biology teachers to be required to propose this to our students.

Many private Christian campuses are even calling the idea bogus, citing that they can't possibly deem this as science. Theology yes, scientific fact no.

I'm so uncomfortable with giving our public school teachers any power to teach about God to our kids. I want my kids to learn about God the proper way, through the home and the church. I don't want some public educator, who may or may not be competent, possibly giving them ridiculous notions of God. Intelligent design is just a another way to mask the higher power concept and force it upon our children.

Supporters of this should really take a step back and think about what they are doing. Do they really want the idea of God being preached by low paid teachers? Do they want their kids to become possibly misinformed as to their theories on a heavenly father? If you want your children to have the education that includes faith the private school sector can accommodate you, as it did my folks. Looking back on the public teachers I had after I left Catholic school I'm glad none of them tried to instill their beliefs on me.

I wish certain Christians would stop doing this. It can be embarrassing for people of faith and it does make a non-believer more skeptical about the nature of God. Maybe this intelligent design theory is really the work of Satan. Yes the dark lord is behind it all. Remember he can appear as an angel of light.

I do wonder if Darwin took out the concept of man evolving from ape from his theories how evolution would be viewed today? Some Christians I know, including myself and faith based colleges, believe that all organic life evolve. We can see it happen. That doesn't mean there is no God, Christ, Allah, Buddha, or whatever. Sadly I seem to be in the minority. Evolution has become a four letter word in most churches.

"I love fools' experiments. I am always making them." - Charles Darwin

Professor beaten; attackers cite KU creationism class

Wyatt is born.

BS called and left a message with some great news. His wife just delivered a healthy baby boy. I'm really excited to see him.

BS and his wife did choose to name their new son Wyatt. Why they chose to name him after the infamous lawman will forever remain a mystery to me. With a name like that this kid should grow up tough.

"Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything." - Wyatt Earp

No more Xbox

The Jiggaman tried to install a DVD player in his Xbox only to accomplish breaking it. His Xbox now boots to a screen that asks you to contact Xbox customer service. The old CD player won't even work. Unfortunate since I was looking forward to playing it with RO this week.

Every few months work distributes parking passes to it's employees. I renewed mine this month and they gave me a nice light purple one. Yes that's light purple. Good god it's hideous.

I'm not sure what is left in store for me this evening, but after the events described above I can't imagine that it'll be pleasant. If something ridiculously bizarre happens to me I hope the local paper will at least publish an interesting headline. "Elderly shirtless man chases tech worker through local high school with a chainsaw. Old man heard screaming 'A penny saved is another wine cooler drinking kangaroo.'"

"Due to success of the SmashMyiPod.com site we decided to take the whole smashing thing a little further, and destroy things right when they come out, in front of 100s of fanboys who would be quite upset to see their beloved game console smashed." - smashmyxbox.com

Happiness in slavery

I'm sitting here at work all by myself. 10 hours of loneliness. No one to talk to and nothing to entertain me but my sometimes dark thoughts.

I'm in a strange mood this evening. I'm not sure why. I had a good weekend and it looks like this coming one will be fun as well. Maybe it's because of my former love affair with tobacco is trying to creep it's way back in. Maybe it's because old issues of faith are tearing at me. Whatever the reason it feels like me mind is going through a raging river of randomness (say that three times fast).

I was reading earlier about how the Y chromosome is depleting. Evolution is now favoring the female as if they are, according to scientists, the stronger sex. We all know only the strong survive and one day the earth will be ruled by woman kind. Darwinian principles apply.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. For the last ten years I've known that being a male lends me to be largely unnecessary. With the advance in technology, education, economy, etc., women have seen dramatic increases in lobbing off the chains of their chauvinistic counterparts. Good for them I say. We men have held the power for a long time resulting in wars, genocide, rape, and hogging the remote control. The "fairer sex" deserves it's rightful place to hopefully better the world. Then again power does corrupt.

I can see Oprah being our leader. Yes the Dr Phil loving crusader of all that is superficial television will be crowned Queen in a coronation ceremony broadcast around the world. Even the Middle East and the Vatican will cast aside any possible resistance and accept her as the one true savior of mankind. Sex and the City will be required viewing for all.

Yes men our days are numbered. Enjoy it now for one day you will no longer lavish in the fact that you own everything. You have gone soft and because of that you have lost the battle of the sexes. Accept it and bow to your feminine overlords.

"Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." - Oprah Winfrey

As Y Chromosome Shrinks, End of Men Pondered

Christmas party...

Yesterday I went to the Pretty Girl's company Christmas party. Had a great time. Of course the open bar did add to the fun three fold. The people were pretty cool.

They had a magician perform an act and I got to be a part of one of the tricks. He had me sit down and close my eyes. There was another person who was sitting about five yards from me and the magician stood in the middle. I felt him hit me on the back and then he asked us to open our eyes. He then claimed he never touched me but did hit the girl on the back and she swears she never felt anything. Interesting. I wish I could have seen it.

When a magician asks you to close your eyes I get nervous. I think he's doing something obscene with my ear and I'll bear the brunt of many jokes. The Jiggaman expressed his disappointment in the fact that there were no bunnies or top hats in the show. I wanted to see someone get sawed in half.

Tonight consisted of me getting my ass handed to me in poker.

"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business." - Tom Robbins

Day of estrogen

So yesterday consisted of AG and I going to see 'Rent', which I affectionately dub as an emotional roller coaster of suck. I've never seen the stage production, but I imagine it worked better then the film did. The movie did have it's high points, such as the opening with the cast on stage singing 'Seasons of Love'. I really thought it was going to be great.

Then the next song came. Holy god was it bad. That's what Rent really was. Had really high points followed by very low points. There was never any consistency with the quality of music nor the acting. Some of the rhyming sequences seem really forced and the end was so cheesy you would think it was scripted by a sitcom writer.

There was the scene with Rosario Dawson dancing in a strip club, which fucking ruled. That alone made the movie worth it.

Later that night the pretty girl and I went and saw 'Pride and Prejudice'. After a good meal at a Thai place and coffee at Tullys I decided to purchase the tickets. We walked up to the box office and I noticed the pretty girl walked away laughing. I looked at the box office cashier, Dan, and he was sound asleep. Yes the dude had his arms folded and head tucked and was in full snooze mode. We then took a walk around the block and came back and found him awake from his slumber.

The movie was actually really good. There were a few nitpicks, such as there was hardly any chemistry between the leads even when the story called for it, but the photography, pacing, and acting was really well done. God bless Kiera Knightley and everything she stands for. Getting to look at her for 2+ hours was a real treat.

"New York City is a great monument to the power of money and greed... a race for rent." - Frank Lloyd Wright

Remember the proper words

Sometimes I hear a song, read an article, or watch a movie and just shake my head wondering who the hell thought this was a good idea. Whether it be the 'Crash Test Dummies', 'The Star Wars Holiday Special', or 'The Fall Guy' Hollywood never ceases to amaze me with the periodic crap they release on an unsuspecting public.

Years ago Henry Winkler of Happy Days fame hosted a video for kids called 'Strong Kids, Safe Kids'. It was an educational piece instructing kids on how to avoid child molesters. My school actually showed it to the children. I found a video clip of one of the songs and it's disturbing as all high holy hell. Just when I thought I had the film pressed into the dark recesses of my tiny brain, Ebaums World was kind enough to post this for all the world to see.

I warn you this is not for the squeamish. Whoever wrote and sang this song must be stopped at all costs.

"Assumptions are the termites of relationships. I wrote that." - Henry Winkler

This clip originally appeared in the 1984 video Strong Kids, Safe Kids, starring Henry Winkler.

Falafel boy loses it on air.

I know I post about Bill O'Reilly a lot, but the man is a great source of comedy. On his radio show he goes into a hilarious tirade against people who speak out about the Bush administration using this war as an excuse to provide profits to Haliburton. He aims to speak out and 'name names' as an attempt to scare people into providing proof.

Oh big bad scary Bill will call you out. Aren't you trembling?

The good folks at Crooks and Liars has the audio.

"That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier." - Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly goes Nuts

You can't drive, well then marry your driver.

Known for it's anti-feminist culture, and that's putting it very mildly, Saudi Arabia will not allow women to operate a motor vehicle. Seriously it's a law. I'm unaware of the reasoning, but if I found out my blood pressure would probably escalate.

Four women got tired of their long commutes. They figured the best solution would be to marry their driver. Yes all four women are now wed to a driver and they have agreed to give him a portion of their monthly salary. They now live closer to their respective workplaces and have a taxi service at their disposal.

Romance is king in the mideast country.

"The Saudi government's denial of basic rights to women is not only wrong, it hurts Saudi Arabia's economic development, modernization and prosperity." - Barbara Boxer

Tired of commuting, four teachers marry driver

Falwell, litigator for Christmas.

The Rev Falwell decided to set up a "Friend of Foe Christmas Campaign", which is headed by Liberty Council, a conservative legal think tank. They promise to sue anyone who tries to inflict false information regarding the celebration of the holiday in the public forum, i.e. schools, parks, etc.

The real meaning of Christmas in the 21st century will be overly sensitive candy asses and lawsuits. Every time a bell rings someone gets a subpoena.

"Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America" - Jerry Falwell

Falwell fighting for holy holiday He'll sue, boycott groups he sees as muzzling Christmas

Another day, another indictment.

In keeping with the latest trend of politicians being indicted Rep Randy Cunningham resigned today after being arrested for bribery and tax evasion charges. He faces a maximum penalty of ten years in prison. He made a tearful apology in a public statement and displaying a very unDelay like manner took responsibility for his actions. I imagine he was smiling though when he accepted 8.1 million in bribes.

I for one am impressed by his statement if not his congressional record, but this has got to be a huge blow the GOP. Already suffering from abysmal poll numbers they really have to pull something to gain an edge before the upcoming elections. I'm not sure what could help at this point though. Maybe free beer would work.

I am happy that he's gone though. His record on the House floor indicates he's a bigot, homophobe, and just plain wrong on most issues.

“Was she [Paula Coughlin] totally innocent in this [the Tailhook Scandal]? I don’t think so . . . If you have clothes that are scant, if you have a past that is not professional, then that’s going to add to the problems.” - Randy "Duke" Cunningham.

GOP lawmaker pleads guilty to tax charge, quits

In military homoerotic news...

I have made and broken many rules for myself. I have broken many laws. One rule that is cardinal is never fight naked. I won't explain why, cause if you ask you should seriously examine your life and wonder how you survived this long.

The British Royal Marines have been exposed, pun intended. The UK jarheads decided a great hazing ritual would be naked fighting. A video of a non-commissioned officer and a commando going fisticuffs was released to the public prompting an investigation by the military.

Who the hell thinks this stuff up? This might start a crazy fetish among the seriously disturbed. Before this turns into an actual sport sponsored by the makers of KY let me state that I am against it.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

Naked fight film sparks calls for new crackdown on bullies

I'm not a big Harry Potter fan and that doesn't make me a bad person.

Harry Potter. The name means so much to so many. Young children cheer at the geeky magician traversing various opponents in a sporting event while flying a broom. Adult fans flock to theaters and spend hours reading giant sized books dedicated to a kid going to school to learn magic tricks. Conservatives spew disgust at the thought of their children possibly taking up an interest in dark arts all because of the fandom created by this. And then there are those who are really disinterested and yet choose to blog about it.

I am one of the people that remain indifferent to the phenomena that was created by J.K. Rowling. I heard a lot of the hype surrounding these books and thought I might pick up one and see what it was all about. While I found the novel amusing and creative it really lacked a strong plot. Harry is one of the most uninteresting fantasy protagonists since Luke Skywalker and the absence of a real villain made it kind of dull. I've been told many times that the stories get better as each book goes along, but I don't really care enough to spend hours finding out.

The first movie came out which had a lot of great qualities, mostly visual. The acting was hit and miss and the revelation of the villain was so cartoonish I was waiting for him to turn into a silent movie antagonist and twirl a mustache and yell "foiled again." I actually laughed out loud in the theatre much to the dismay of the other movie goers. I seem to do that a lot.

The second movie came out and I really don't remember much of it. I do recall it did have the most annoying special effects sequence ever which included screaming plants that added nothing to the already thin plot. Oh and they had spiders. I was confused by the fact that some big guy sent the children to see the spiders knowing full well they might be eaten, but came out of the story as a hero. Fans always tell me I should read the book to find these answers, but why the hell should I? Is it too much to ask a filmmaker to explain the holes of the story in the film itself? I guess so.

The third one then was released and I actually liked it. Granted I wasn't thrilled, but it was pretty good. They actually had a plot and they at least made it somewhat suspensful, although it would help the urgency in the picture if they made Harry somewhat likeable.

Now the fourth one is upon us and every one is gaga over "the best film in the series." Now while I am curious to see this film I do have one thing to say to it's fans:

Grow up. Don't give me that blank stare when you find out I'm not a huge fan. I'm a fan of many things such as Star Wars, Marlon Brando, Steinbeck, 49ers (who suck this year), James Dean, UFC, Hunter S Thompson, etc, and you don't find me barraging people with asinine questions as to why they don't love the things I do. Not embracing a children' book doesn't make you a lesser person nor does it mean you hate all things childlike. Oh and don't get so pissed if I make any accusation that films and literature live and die by their marketing and not by their quality and Harry Potter is an example of phenomenal promotions, excellence be damned. And yes go ahead and trash my ability to judge fine writing while you open your copy of Stephen King's/Tom Clancy's/Dean Koontz's latest novel.

By the way when I ask you what it is you like about Harry as a character why do you all stand there and have to think for so long before giving me the same answer? There's nothing wrong with being a fan or being a geek really, but stop judging me because I haven't hopped a bandwagon of entertainment that's really, in my most humble opinion, not that good. Sure it's a fun series full of whimsy and magical delight and I'm glad you all enjoy these stories, but the one's who aren't as interested in the hype are still good people and do enjoy quality entertainment.

There are many out there like me.

"I keep hearing about mutha fucking Harry Potter. Who is this muthafucker?" - Snoop Dogg

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I have so much to be thankful for this year I could spend hours typing. Enjoy this gluttonous holiday.

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." - Kevin James

Please tell me everything. I so love to hear your thoughts.

Strangers come up and talk to me at all the time which is strange when I've been told on numerous occasions that I constantly look pissed off. Usually it's places I can't escape, such as buses, planes, jail....uhh I mean church. Yeah church. The following is a letter to them all:

Dear strangers,

Please come up and talk to me. I want to hear your exciting stories about your cute as hell son or daughter that won a spelling bee in the 2nd grade. Nothing appeals to me more then to listen you brag about your child's recent trophy win while you sport the accompanying photograph. (See I included sport in a comical reference to...aw fuck it never mind).

I love it when you tell me your problems concerning your current love live, or lack thereof. I find it compelling to hear that your boyfriend really wants a anal to mouth fantasy realized. Hell I thought a threesome conversation would be awkward, but dirty oral?

Your stories of how your girlfriend is a dirty tramp are mesmerizing. I'm glad to hear how she downed a bunch of ex tablets and went and starred in a off the cuff amateur porn featuring a minor league hockey player and his coach. The way you describe how they included pickle relish with double penetration is worthy of a Pulitzer. Your thoughts on how you want to "kill that dumb ho" are understandable, if not overly coherent. I usually prefer the method of breaking up, but hey that's just me.

I especially like to hear about your child abuse and/or how your boyfriend is a real 'dirty cocksucker'. Dangling people over a balcony ledge is not how I like to express my love either, but your guy and Michael Jackson just seem to think differently.

Yes all of you, please tell me about how your job sucks.

Thanks to you all for the mental images I produce with your vomit inducing tales of abuse, deep fat fryer recipes, and praise for the latest reality television show. Keep em coming.

Thanks,

Erik

"When you meet a stranger, look at his shoes. Keep your money in your shoes." - Michael Stipe

You should be a hot woman.

Debra LaFave will not face any jail time for sleeping with her underage student three times. Instead she will face probation and will have to register as a sex offender. Now a lot of people will cry foul and say, "If that were a man he'd never escape prison. Women sex offenders need therapy while male sex offenders need castration. It's a huge double standard."

While I agree with a lot of you on this I'm going to pose another possibility of why she avoided jail time. Debra LaFave is hot. I read Fark constantly and they have many news stories regarding female teachers sleeping with students. In viewing these stories it seems to me that the ugly women go to jail where the even mildly attractive ones get community service. Granted the ugly women probably spend less time in the joint then a man would, but looks shouldn't keep you from being locked up. Or should it? Debra LaFave's attorney thinks so. He argued to the jury that because she's so attractive she wouldn't do well in prison and therefore she shouldn't go.

This sentence was agreed upon in the plea bargain with the victim's family. The mom stated she didn't want her son to face the emotional trauma of court proceedings.

Moral of the story: If you're a woman you better be hot, cause if you're ugly our country will keep you behind bars. If you're a man you'll always be sent to a pound-in-the-ass prison for sleeping with a minor.

"To place an attractive young woman into that kind of hellhole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions. I am not sure that Debbie would be able to survive," - John Fitzgibbons. Debra Lafave's attorney.

Predatory Teacher Dodges Jail