Tendo

A couple weeks ago I did the unthinkable. No I didn't commit a felony involving abuse of the elderly nor did I go so far as to buy a copy of 'Going Rogue', but I did sit and try to watch Twilight part 1.

I'll try and let you absorb that.

My friend asked if I was in any way curious to see it and I'll admit I was. The huge phenomenon cannot go unnoticed and I wondered what all the hype was about. She threw in the movie and we started to watch it.

And it was bad.

Really bad.

So bad I was waiting for the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys to pop up at the bottom of the screen and start making jokes.

Now I'm sure you're thinking I'm just being a cynic by ripping on a movie designed for teen girls, but yet seem to be embraced by a large number of adults. You'd be wrong and let me tell you why.

I like a good kids movie. I'm such a fan of film that I can watch a film and even if the plot is uninteresting or even corny I can still enjoy it as long as the aesthetics are good. There are many movies I own that I'll sit and watch again because of that fact and even though I'm not the target audience the filmmakers had in mind I'll appreciate the art.

This film failed in every respect.

First we'll start with the production. The cinematography was so sloppy it was almost unwatchable. The editor tried to cover up the flaws, but it was a valiant attempt at best. I've seen better acting on a CW drama, but in defense of the cast the dialogue was so horrific Brando would've had a tough time. Some of them were really struggling to deliver such banal lines. Don't get me started on the soundtrack.

Now to the plot. The main character, Bella, is so unlikeable I was shocked anyone wanted to befriend her. Even though she is unpleasant, selfish, and largely uninteresting for some reason the kids in the story wanted her around. The love affair with the Edward, the vampire, and her was written so poorly and moved at a snail's pace.

While I'm on the subject of the love story, does anyone else out there find it incredibly creepy that a guy over a century old is in love with a teenager? Seriously. If I told you I was into someone who still went to high school you'd say I should be locked up and/or shot in the face, but a guy over double my age cruising the teeny bopper set is somehow okay. I couldn't help but think that Chris Hansen should ask Edward to have a seat over there.

I can't go much more into this review as I fell asleep at the start of the third act. Yes I was that bored that I have no interest in finishing the story at all. The movie got off to a horrible start and kept getting worse. Paper thin characters, terrible craftsmanship, and not a single scare from the antagonists who never were much of a presence anyways. I don't care about the sparkly crap that vampire enthusiasts rant about. They're fictional anyways and really given all the movie's flaws messing with the Dracula legend is the least annoying aspect.

There are many things about pop culture that suck, but I can understand the phenomenon especially with kids. They still have yet to complete their education in the humanities, but still I find it insulting to them that studio executives decided to not even bother making a good film for our nation's youth. They assume them to be mindless so art be damned. They made this movie on a seemingly low budget and cashed in so they could continue their daily habits of snorting coke off a high priced hooker's abs.

Again I don't fault the kids, but adults who are into this crap have really set back the arts for children. By supporting this nonsense we have succeed in insuring the nation's youth will accept things that suck. I'm against this.

"A disappointingly anemic tale of forbidden love that should satiate the pre-converted but will bewilder and underwhelm viewers who haven't devoured Stephenie Meyer's bestselling juvie chick-lit franchise." - Justin Chang

Pinguis

Dating can be a rough road for some and I can empathize. Reality can and often does fall below expectations when you meet someone you can see a future with, even if it's just for a second date. Even the well mannered gents can find themselves in situations in their search for romance that are less than pleasant. Still even in my worst dating experiences I can always look back and say I had fun in the courtship, no matter how short. I've never ended a date with a involuntary escort to prison or found myself in the middle of a gun fight so I guess based on those low standards I can consider my personal life a success.

I was hanging with a friend last night and he told me about a date he had this weekend, his first in over two years. Yes two years. Being a trucker and somewhat anti-social he doesn't get out much nor does his finances allot for spending frivolously.

As one can expect with someone who doesn't hang with the opposite sex much when he described his behavior on the date I couldn't help but roll my eyes. He would recall a part of their meeting and then ask me if I would do that on a first date. My usual response was, "Hell no I wouldn't even do that on a third. What the hell were you thinking? No...no...don't explain this. Repeat after me: 'I solemnly swear to not do that on a first date ever again in my entire life or risk getting punted in the nuts.'" He would nod his head, open his mouth about to defend his actions, but like some annoyed parent I would raise my finger and say, "No man. You just don't do that. End of discussion."

So yeah my friend is out of touch with social norms in the ways of romance, but that's not to say I'm any sort of Casanova. There is a reason I'm still single and never been married.

My friend started to make his leave after we watched football and said he would call the lady and ask for a second meeting. I wished him luck and was getting ready for bed when he called back.

My friend: So I called her.
Me: How'd it go?
My friend: So I asked her if we could hang out again.
Me: And?
My friend: She said I'm too fat.
Me: ........
My friend: Yeah.

He started laughing nervously to the point it made me kind of uncomfortable.

Me: Dude I'm sorry.
My friend: Yeah well what do you do?
Me: Tell her she's not hot enough to be this picky?
My friend: Nah. I'll just let it go. As you say, there's plenty of others fish.
Me: There most certainly are my friend.
My friend: Yeah well I need to go fishing.
Me: Indeed you do.
My friend: Gotta work on my bait though.

My friend is no bigger than me. I got to hit the gym more in hopes I never have to hear that ever. Actually I kind of hope someone does say that to me so I can deliver a soul crushing comeback.

"My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." - Jenny McCarthy

Prosapia

As some of you readers may know I was adopted as a newborn and until fairly recently I never really considered finding my birth family. After some higgeldy piggeldy with my health I made the decision to find my medical history. The process has been slow at best. I have an appointment with a PI next month to see how they may be able to assist with my quest. I'll of course keep blogger land informed of my progress.

While some have complimented me saying that I have a healthy attitude towards my adoption and finding my medical history, there are parts of this process that frighten the living hell out of me. While I will never hold myself responsible for my conception nor do I think circumstances of birth should be an issue of pride or shame, I can't help but fear to find out what exactly I may be a product of. As a young Wiwille I always had a good, if not romanticized image, of my birth parents. In my mind they were good people forced with a tough decision and in the end they made the right one. As I grow older and more cynical I view such images as childish.

Still I had to conquer such fears and move forward with this if not for the sake of my own health, but for my children should I happen to have any in the future.

My friend decided it would be a great idea to inform me of this story. Apparently an adopted man, 41, decided to trace his roots and found out that he was no other than the biological son of Charles Manson. His conception was equally as terrifying.

Some have told me they question the accuracy of this article and others think it's been pulled out of the ass of the British press. Doesn't matter to me at all. I won't get any sleep tonight, but I will soldier on.

"For the record, I don't think you resemble any serial killers I know of." - Alec

Adopted son traced biological parent to be Charles Manson

Deus

I was driving home the other day from the gym when I came aside a bus. I usually don't even notice the advertisements presented on them, but this one got my attention. A large image of a jolly St Nick was adorned with a message to drivers stating: 'No Virginia, there is no God!'

The advertisement was from the Freedom from Religion Foundation, an organization I'm not that unfamiliar with. Months ago around Easter I was listening to a radio interview with someone who claimed to be a spokesperson from Washington State. It was quite possibly the poorest representation of atheism I've ever heard.

The woman was arguing with the show's host about the roots of the Solstice. She claimed her and her family celebrate the holidays in lieu of Christmas and Easter, because they weren't rooted in religion at all as it was all about nature. The host disagreed claiming that ancient peoples were giving honor to the gods that were behind such acts. They argued back and forth about this fact as the guest kept repeating herself saying 'it's all about nature. There's nothing religious about it." She had a condescending tone and was even called the host dense. I switched stations.

The sign took me aback at first, but I quickly shrugged it off. If the religious folk can advertise their faith I only see it fair that the atheists do the same. It was an effective advertisement I thought. It caught my attention and did make me think about my spiritual life.

When I relayed this to others I found opinions on the ad were mixed at best, which is no surprise. Those who agreed with the message saluted the Freedom from Religion Foundation's idea and were happy to hear there are like minds out there. People I spoke with who have faith were angry and ranted about how tasteless the advertisement was. Some even went so far as to threaten to write some strongly worded emails to Seattle Metro voicing their displeasure.

I can see both sides. The religious people, Christians mainly, wanted to keep their celebration of the Lord's birth sacred and not have some overzealous group try to convert them from their faith. I did find it ironic that most atheists I know complain about the 'in your face' broadcasting of the holy, but found this method of spreading their word to be appropriate.

Still religious folks have had many accommodations in political discourse and even had federal and state holidays and a statement of faith on currency. There's no reason I can think of that anyone should not be allotted to voice their expression on how another thinks. It's a right most will fight to the death for, myself included.

We are very fortunate to live in a country where the government is not allowed to establish a state sanctioned church. Most countries, even so called enlightened ones, have their puppet monarchies as heads of their religions and some even go so far as to require you to tithe, whether you'd like to or not. Most of the world's citizens, directly or otherwise, have their tax dollars going to support an established religion. We in this country can fight such an idea and have the First Amendment on our side. We should never forget what a blessing this is.

As far as the advertisement goes I'm largely unmoved. This holiday season is big enough for people to celebrate however they want, or even not at all. With Christians claiming a war on Christmas and others feeling robbed of their ancient pagan holiday I feel both should stop their damn whining. Let it go and have some fun this December.

Oh and if I happen to pass you in the street and wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or Joyous Solstice don't give me that look. You know what I'm talking about you pompous ass.

"Most people think December is for Christians and view our solstice signs as an intrusion, when actually it's the other way around. People have been celebrating the winter solstice long before Christmas. We see Christianity as the intruder, trying to steal the natural holiday from all of us humans." - Dan Barker

Thursday Music

"You're not ashamed of Star Wars, but you don't want me to tell your friends about Bon Jovi," she asked?

"No," I replied. "I take no shame in my love for any and all things Star Wars."

She had just invited me to see the infamous butt rock band live. I'd pondered whether I should go or not. Granted I'm no fan of New Jersey's favorite son, but I hear they put on a good live show. I've seen many bands I haven't liked perform an amazing set and vice versa, so what could it hurt?

Her friends and her really wanted to see them and seemed excited about that fact. After she told me the dates and times I realized I couldn't attend, because I'll be out of the country. I was kind of bummed actually. Sure Bon Jovi is like the Dan Brown of music, but again it could have been a good time.

Still I was kind of shocked that I was even invited to this. I thought anyone that knows me would never assume me to like that kind of crap. When I posted about how I was disappointed I couldn't attend this bag of suck on Facebook many were shocked about my critique of their quality. One even called to voice her displeasure about my broadcasting my opinion on the wildly popular band.

"How," she asked? "How...how can you say they suck?"

"Well," I replied. "Exhibit A: 'It's my life, it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever.' Seriously that is some of the laziest writing I've ever heard."

"But..but Bon Jovi's been around forever and everyone likes them."

"So you think popularity is any indication of quality?"

"Yeah."

"If that were the case, Transformers part 2 should sweep the Oscars."

".......you suck."

"Only on Tuesdays."

There are a lot of bands that I love that are less than talented. And seriously I do kind of like Bon Jovi. I don't freak out when they're on the radio and feel compelled to change the station immediately like I do with KISS. Well some of their songs I do. Whenever I hear 'Living on a Prayer' though I feel the roots of living in a small town come through. Bon Jovi did have mass appeal to the mullet sporting community.

So if I've offended you with my analysis of the Michael Bay of music I'm not sorry at all, but for you fans of the New Jersey album I bring you one of their ballads, cause I'm a giver:



"I always think I'm the Tom Cruise of music - a lot of success and fans, but no critics, darling." - Jon Bon Jovi

Oppugno

I largely ignore the rantings of Glenn Beck, because I mistakenly believed he wasn't taken seriously be anyone. I saw his show on CNN a few years back and laughed at the idea of him having much more of a career, much less a large cultural and/or political impact.

As usual I was wrong.

Since his switch to the Fox News Channel the man has become unleashed in his jackassery and the country, for the most part, finally took notice of the mentally unbalanced talking head. Not content with just committing the sin of speaking before he thinks, something we're all guilty of, he seems to cross the track into crazy town. With mock killings of amphibians, calling our President a racist, and having little to no grasp on history he creates a fantasy for ill informed and mentally deficient conservatives. His career has skyrocketed.

For whatever reason the man decided to compare health care, Obamacare if you will, to the horrific crime Roman Polanski plead guilty to. Believing the taxpayers to be like the victim in the case being assaulted by the Kenyan Muslim (who's middle name is Hussein by the way...Hussein people!) Beck somehow thinks it's an appropriate analogy.

Most talking heads like Beck don't strike me as someone who's honest with their pitch. Their main focus is not to provide reasoned discourse, but to get ratings, and for that I'm hard pressed to believe half of them believe in what they're saying. I wonder about the Mt Vernon native though. I can't tell if it's an act or he's off his nut.



"You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one - I can't speak for you, but I'm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show." - Glenn Beck

Lentus

I feel like a real candy ass. The past few months I've seen a musical, been to a symphony, watched a Tyler Perry movie, took my mom and aunt shopping, ordered a girly drink, and starting honing my culinary skills.

I feel I may be in need of a masculine intervention to make up for all the pansy activities I've done. Sure it won't be as extreme as driving an expensive convertible with a supermodel going down on me as I'm eating a steak sandwich while I think about my cage fighting match later that night, but something at least.

If you have ever listened to the Men's Room on a regular basis you are familiar with the The Men's Room Rules. Submitted by listeners and voted upon by the radio talents these are laws that they feel all men should follow in order to retain their masculinity. So today we'll be looking at a particular set (Article 4:You are a man, god damn it, ACT LIKE IT) and see how I measure up.

Section 1: No man should ever speak badly about bacon or sex. Can't say I've done either, well unless it involves a farm in Enumclaw. (Yeah I went there).

Section 2: Never watch the movie "The Notebook" Guilty. I have a crush on Rachel McAdams.

Section 3: No man shall ever be required to buy another man a birthday gift. In fact, even remembering you're buddies birthday is strictly optional. I don't think this has ever been required of me nor have I expected it.

Section 4: If a man borrows another mans tools, he must return them in the same shape that he received them. If the tool is damaged, the borrower is responsible for replacing said tool. A sign of this should be hanging in every garage.

Section 5: Never dress to match your girlfriend or wife. Damnit I've done this. I dated a girl with very particular fashion tastes and sometimes she politely suggested what outfit I wear to a particular outing. Usually that suggestion came with an unspoken consequence, so I went with it. We didn't do anything stupid like wear the exact same shirt or some other nonsense.

Section 6: Two men should never walk down the street under the same umbrella. I don't use an umbrella. I'm good here.

Section 7: Never let a woman order for you in a restaurant. I will gladly continue to break this rule. Females have ordered sushi and other items for me and the results have always been good.

Section 8: No man should ever ride bitch on another man's motorcycle. This almost goes without saying. Never done it, never will.

Section 9: Under no circumstances is any man allowed to send an emoticon ;-) =) :-p etc. to another man. I may have done this. There's one emoticon that's in the shape of a beer mug. I know Tad has sent me numerous emoticons...wait I have done this. Damn.

Section 10: No man shall ever feed or be fed by another man, unless the recipient of said feeding is physically or mentally handicapped, or otherwise restricted in any way that prevents feeding oneself. I can't see why anyone would even think of this.

Section 11: There is no reason for a man to watch men's figure skating or men's gymnastics. EVER. What would Brian Botano do?

Section 12: No man shall have any kind of fuzzy decoration on, or in, his car. I've seen many guys with fuzzy decorations in their vehicle and it never ceases to make me want to light the thing on fire.

Section 13: Unless in the entertainment industry, no man shall wear makeup. Duh.

Section 14: No man should take longer to get ready then his wife/girlfriend. If you do take longer than your girlfriend/wife to get ready, you best be going out in an astronaut suit.

Section 15: Never be a part of a candle party. Candle party? WTH is that?

Section 16: Never share a desert with another man. Joe, Corey, and I would often go to Shari's and order coffee and peanut butter pie and talk politics. I don't regret a single minute of those times.

Section 17: Don't skip, ever. I don't think I've done that as an adult, but given my reputation for doing silly stuff when under the influence it may have happened.

Section 18: Never write in pink. Yeah. Just don't do it.

Section 19: The list of words that no man shall EVER use.

• Subsection A: List
1. Garment. Yep
2. Periwinkle Nope
3. Supple Yep
4. Duvet ?
5. Precious I've had conversations about LOTR, so yeah.
6. Fabulous *Under review for comedic value. For comedy purposes sure.
7. Adore Yep
8. Lavender Yep
9. Mommy Of course.
10. Daddy Who hasn't used this in carnal activity at some point?
11. The term “BFF” I would never refer to my friends that way.
12. To Die for Many times in discussing Scarlett.
13. Bye Bye Said it to kids.
14. Delish Didn't know this existed.
15. Décor Yep.
16. Ciao` (Sounds like “CHOW”) The term “Chow” is allowed when speaking about the food or the dog breed I deal with customers around the world. I have used this on occasion. When in Rome....
17. XOXOXOXO Nope
18. Wee-Wee, Tinkle, or Potty. Do any of these guys have children in their care at some point?
19. Ickey Yeah that word needs to go away.
20. Sniffles Probably.
21. Extravagant Yep.
22. Elegant How else do you describe Grace Kelly?
23. Never refer to a purse as a clutch If you make up names for purses there's something wrong with you.

Section 20: Things no man should have

• Subsection B: List
1. Decorative soap. None.
2. Decorative toilet seat Hahahahaha
3. Anything Cher, Barbra Streisand, or Celine Dion. Poor Tad.
4. A diary. Does a blog count?
5. A collection of chick flicks. I failed this one miserably.
6. Body waxing supplies. That's just wrong. Unless you're an Olympic swimmer you should not wax.
7. A collection past girlfriend’s panties. Good call.

Section 21: Things all men should have

• Subsection A: List
1. Your favorite pizza joint on speed dial On the to-do list.
2. Lighter Everywhere I go.
3. Porn Seriously did this need to be said?
4. Belt With my ever shrinking and growing waist this is a must.
5. Tools. At least a flat head and Phillips head screw driver, as well as a crescent wrench. I can't believe they didn't include a hammer.

Section 22: If you have a son, teach him how to play sports. Except figure skating and gymnastics. You couldn't watch him if you were to obey Section 11. I have no son, or child for that matter, so this can go in the NA column.

Section 23: No man shall blame another for their gas, man up and be proud. Beat chest proudly while at it. Does it count if you blame a woman for your gas?

Section 24: No man shall ever attend or be a part of a "shower" (Baby, wedding, etc) A girl I used to date insisted on the idea of a couple's shower for a wedding. I'm with the men on this one, no guy should be required to attend a shower.

Section 25: When in a group of men, don't expose your junk. Unless you want it kicked.

Section 26: No man to man back rubs. I'm going to have this tattooed across my shoulder blades.

Section 27: Never buy a Volkswagen Cabriolet or Mazda Miata I'm looking at you Alec.

Section 28: If you call another man, have a point. Never call just for small talk. Agreed.

Section 29: One man should never go up to another mans woman and tell her stuff that the other man has done. This penalty deserves the death penalty.

Section 30: Every man should have a S.A.C (Spousal Avoidance Center) A place to drink, smoke, and get away from the woman. The cornerstone of a happy relationship.

Section 31: No man shall take a photo of another man doing something incriminating. I disagree. It could be really really funny.

Section 32: If a man pukes in your car, he is held liable to get your entire car detailed. I'm looking at you Quoc.

Section 33: While eating a banana, never look another men in the eyes. I would never think of this in a thousand years.

Section 34: Never let another man adjust your tie while it is still around your neck. Unless you two are in a fight. It can come in handy for a choke out.

Section 35: NO man shall invite another man over to watch porn. I have one friend who is a connoisseur of all things pornographic, but he's never invited me over specifically to watch it. Although I assume it's on when I do go over.

Section 36: Never buy personal lubricant for any reason while with another man. Not even if it's on sale?

Section 37: No nude sunbathing. Sunbathing alone is just wrong.

Section 38: Never dot an "i" with anything other then a dot. Any man who does otherwise should really turn in their man card. Seriously.

Section 39: No man shall go back on a bet once hands have shaken No woman should either.

Section 40: No bubble baths, unless accompanied by a woman. Not even if it's Star Wars bubble bath? Yeah I guess no guy should do this alone under any circumstances.

Section 41: A man shall not use texts, email, or voicemail to tell off a friend. This must be reminded to many in the Puget Sound as it seems to be the mecca of passive/aggressive mentality.

Section 42: No man shall ever watch a Richard Simmons workout video. I'm still shocked this guy has a career.

Section 44: No man shall ever listen to Fall Out Boy I'll take it as a blessing that I can't name one of their songs.

Section 45: No man shall rub or pat another mans knee. Indeed.

Section 46: If you are the first person through the door, hold it for the people behind you. It shocks me that this has to be said, but it does.

Section 47: Never hit a woman. Sometimes the obvious needs to be stated. Bullshit. If a woman comes at me with a knife, or any deadly weapon for that matter, they can expect to be punched, kicked, thrown, choked, etc until I'm in a reasonable sense of safety. Sorry ladies, but if you don't want to get hit don't enter the arena of combat.

Section 48: No man shall bum more then 3 cigarettes from any other man before getting him back. Again a good call.

Section 49: When offered greens, don't burn more then half of the greens, so the on deck hitter can also enjoy some. Don't smoke it, so I don't have to worry about breaking this.

Well I've broken some on this list so I guess I'll have to make up for it by hunting bear armed only with a Swiss Army knife.

"Faced with the reality that some men do not find these truths to be self evident. We, the men of the men's room, in order to provide guidance, establish order, and insure proper etiquette. Do hereby submit," - The Men's Room

Wiwille's Movie Reviews part 74

Period pieces can be a tough sell if the audience who lived during the film's setting is still alive. Audiences are quick to scrutinize a movie taking place during a time and region they're familiar with. Still when a director pulls it off the results can be amazing. I recall my folks being amazed by the dialogue and look of LA Confidential or my Grandpa Mario telling me how The Grapes of Wrath wasn't just a piece of fiction, but a tale many endured during the Great Depression.

Sometimes we even choose to accept the reality of a film we know deep down is a poor representation of anything resembling authenticity. For example I'll paraphrase the great Tony Horowitz: Nothing has had such an impact on romanticizing the antebellum south than Gone with the Wind, a movie that was shot on a Hollywood back lot. Many have chosen to accept the characterization as accurate even though Tara nor the characters that inhabited it ever existed.

The Man in the Moon is one of those films that transported me to a time and place I'm largely unfamiliar with, but for whatever reason it felt authentic. Taking place in late 50s it tells the story of two southern teenage sisters who are entering that confusing time of growing into woman hood. The younger sister, played brilliantly by Reese Witherspoon, falls for her neighbor. The boy is a few years older and can't take being the object of affection by someone so seemingly naive, especially when he meets her older sister. Drama ensues, tragedy is struck, and both girls come to accept life's hardships and start to put aside childhood fantasies.

Films are fiction as we all know, but when a writer captures the feeling of a time we may hardly remember, or in some cases want to forget, we can't help be entertained. The Man in the Moon seems like a simple coming of age story, but it's one that truly respects it's characters. Rather than showing teenagers as simply shallow and selfish the scripts allows them to be thoughtful, decent, and at their worst confused, which is very refreshing. With strong performances by the already mention Reese Witherspoon in her first role the movie is worth it for the acting alone. What amazed me most about the story is how it arcs almost wildly through emotions, but is never corny or cheap. As I said before the script respects it's players, but the director also shows the same for his audience.

No one actually submitted this for review, but a few bloggers recommended this so I thought what the hell. I haven't written about film in a while. Given the movie's strengths I would recommend it, but it's something I'll never watch again for reasons I won't get into.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on Erik's Ramblings. Rules are posted here.

"As the film approached its conclusion without having stepped wrong once, I wondered whether he could do it - whether he could maintain the poetic, bittersweet tone, and avoid the sentimentalism and cheap emotion that could have destroyed this story. Would he maintain the integrity of this material? He would, and he does." - Roger Ebert

Provectus

We walked into the place and immediately saw a live band playing disco. She smirked and looked at me with a face trying to hide her embarrassment.

"We can leave if you want," she said over the loud band. "We don't have to do this."

"Nah," I replied. "Let's say hi to your friends. Besides I have a feeling this will make great blog fodder."

Big Daddy's was packed to the brim with cougars and the men who love them. Botox and discount implants were in order and those that sported such middle class luxuries were eager to show them off. Middle aged ladies were dressed to impress any that would take a gander at some cleavage. It was their time to show off their aging goods, but considering all the attention they were receiving it was working. The men rarely made eye contact and given some of the raver gear that was inappropriately placed it wasn't hard to understand why. The females were strutting around feeling like the sexiest beings ever.

We walked to the table packed with her friends and made introductions. One drunk gal accused me of looking very friendly and inviting. As God as my witness I've never heard that before in my life. I looked at my friend and asked if she wanted a drink. She said she needed something strong.

We sat and made conversation as we people watched. She was scoping out the guys hoping to find someone hot for her friends. As I scoped out the middle aged gents I found their fashions amusing. The older men get they seem to feel the buttons on their shirt are necessary. As I checked out the dance floor I saw a few older men hovering around the edges standing there with drinks in hand subtlety, and not so much, bopping along to the music. They were eyeballing the herd, looking for their opportunity to move in on a lady, welcome or not. This was just like any other club, except for the one old guy in other venues this place had seventeen of them.

I saw a guy with a mullet dancing with a woman that was a decade older than him. She seemed to be happy as they twirled about and made merry. A man in a aqua-teel shirt was sporting the same cut as Michael J Fox did in 'Family Ties' and spent more time on his hair then your average Hollywood diva. Bad goatees were abound, tight jeans were the norm, and horrific dancing was ever present.

"You feel young here?" she asked.

"Young?" I replied. "I feel like Peter fucking Pan right now."

I started messaging everyone I knew who lived in the area telling them about how awesome this place was. No one believed me. For shame.

To all DJs and live bands out there: If you really want to get the older folk on the dance floor just play Lady Marmalade. The females will drag any man, whether they know them or not, out to boogie.

As all good things the night had to come to an end. I walked out of there pondering about what I just observed. Granted I was making fun of 90% of the clientele in the place for being silly, but they wouldn't care if they had access to my thoughts. It was their time to strut about, feel sexy, and just enjoy the moment. I hope when I turn 46 I can have evenings where I can take whomever I'm dating and dance it up with Right Said Fred, not giving a damn about the opinions of others. God bless them all for living the dream.

"Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club." - Chris Rock

Thursday Music

I'm feeling a bit under the weather today which sucks. I'm supposed to go see the Misfits tonight, but that may not happen if I don't get better by the evening. I was looking forward to it to.

Saturday I'm off to the symphony. Yes go ahead and read that again. I'll be attending Carmina Burana by Orff. For those of you unfamiliar it's based loosely on a series of medieval poetry, but supposedly the piece has no real meaning at all. You've probably heard music from it whether you realized it or not.

I'm kind of excited to get dressed up and go see a real symphony this time. I haven't been to one, besides Star Wars in Concert, since I was 19. Ahh...to be 19 again.

So today good readers I bring you O'Fortuna which is arguably the most popular one from Carmina Burana:



"Although Orff had collaborated with the Nazis the music itself commits no sins simply by being and remaining popular. That 'Carmina Burana' has appeared in hundreds of films and television commercials is proof that it contains no diabolical message, indeed that it contains no message whatsoever." - Alex Ross

Plumbeus

For all of our nation's recent tragedies the self appointed guru of our country's moral fabric has the reasons behind each. Regardless if it be a natural disaster or the result of terrorism, domestic and otherwise, Pat Robertson always believes it has something to do with the citizens wavering in their belief of the good book.

Of course he has an explanation behind the Fort Hood killings and that involves claiming Islam is not a religion and more of a political ideology. He goes on to say we should treat it like someone would a fascist party.

What's interesting about this is not only the offense he gives to billions of Muslims who practice the faith in varying ways, just like his brand of religion he chose to accept, is that his own faith can be viewed in the same light. If you've read any of his books, or even listened to him for more than ten minutes on his 700 Club television program, you'd see that his main goal is not just to spread the word of the Holy Bible, but to change the heart of the electorate into voting as he would have them. Granted he doesn't call upon his viewers to take upon acts of violence, but he has on occasion encouraged the practice by his government. Some would say this is un-Christian, but I disagree. Anyone who sees Christ as a unwavering pacifist must have read a different Gospel than myself.

Gandhi once claimed that religion is political and those who disagree don't understand the world's major faiths. I would take that a step further and say for any who can't correlate the two don't comprehend politics as well.

It's certainly easy to understand how one can try and to make sense out of a senseless act. It's seems natural to most and religious leaders like Robertson have made a career of it. We still have a lot to learn about mental illness and the unknown always scares us, but that doesn't stop people, including your author here, from laying blame wherever they see fit. I simply see the shooter as someone who's extremely disturbed as well as a coward. Does that make me presumptuous?

Robertson has blamed hurricanes on our foreign policy, even though they've been happening in the south well before the United States was even an idea, but I'm sure he has an answer for that too. I guess the Native Americans were at fault for not saying grace before each meal even though the lord's word never hit the shores. Heathens.

It's the tyranny of an oligarchy that I'm concerned about. - Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson on Ft. Hood: Islam is ‘not a religion’ and Muslims should be treated like ‘some fascist group.’

Prodigo

I have a weird question for the folks in blogger land. How well do you have to know a person before you poop in their home?

I've asked people about this in a very unscientific manner and the answers varied as one would normally expect. Some felt it's a normal bodily function and will sit on the throne where ever and when ever. Others felt that their poopie stink shouldn't be shared with the masses and were only comfortable at home or around folk they know very well.

Now I normally don't care about doing such an activity at any and all times, but there are moments where I'm concerned. See I could be sitting in someone's place, say a person I don't know very well or they're smoking hot, and let out an gargantuan bowel movement that's equally as smelly that results in clogging the toilet so bad an industrial sized plunger won't fix the problem and the apartment management team would have to come in with a pipe snake to allow a proper flush which embarrasses the occupant of said dwelling not mention the reliever of said contents.

Run on sentences. It's what I do.

Not that the above has ever happened before. Nope never. Moving on.

That all being said no one should feel ashamed about using the facilities at my place. Enjoy the reading material. Plungers and cleaning material is handy.

"At least he's not the one who plugged up your toilet." - Jason to Eli

Mereo

I was out with someone a few months back and we were getting to know each other. She was open with past dating history and went into details that were unsolicited. Still her honesty was refreshing so I asked some questions. One led to a very interesting answer.

When I asked her why she broke up with her last boyfriend she turned to me and said "I deserve better."

Deserve better. That phrase has always turned me off.

"Don't you want what you deserve?" she asked.

"Me," I replied. "I don't deserve anything."

"What do you mean?" she probed.

"Look," I stated. "I consider myself very fortunate to be adopted by a good family, live in a good country, and have good health. I'm no Gandhi. I've never done anything in my life to say I deserve happiness, or anything for that matter. I'm no more worthy than anyone who suffers to live a good life."

She paused for a bit contemplating what I just said. The look in her eyes made it clear she wasn't happy with my assessment on life's gifts and probably felt a little offended about me galloping on my high horse. As her eyes gazed off into the abyss of thought she finally came up with a line as best she could.

"I just think," she said. "That we all deserve happiness."

"Why?"

"I...I just do."

"Ok."

I love how entitled we are to a good life free of the horrors of nature and CW programming.

On similar lines a friend of mine told me yesterday that she can't see me ever getting married, because I'm too picky and hung up on a woman. She may be right. Scarlett's hard to get over.

"A part of kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve." - Joseph Joubert

Thursday Music

Old friends doing silly and often stupid things make for great memories and thankfully I have plenty of them. Of course most of those involve drinking copious amounts of alcohol, but that's besides the point. Or is it?

I used to work with some great people who I made fast friends with, cause we shared a common interest in beer. What we now refer to as 'garage days' Jeff, Jason, Dave, and I would spent countless hours consuming pints in their house and jabbering it up with any and all who would join us.

For whatever reason the boys liked to sing and had me join them when I was inebriated enough. This was amusing to most, if not offensive depending on which song we chose to entertain our guests with. One tune was often used in our spontaneous quartet and listening to it now always puts a smile on my face.

I know the suspense must be killing you, so without further ado I bring you said song:



"Things are looking up for the comedic music world, but there are many brilliant acts who have burned out before their time and many more that have gone unnoticed. Among the greatest of these lost musical comedy groups is Corky and the Juice Pigs." - mediapotluck.blogspot.com

Somnium

Beer. There's nothing it can't do. I don't drink as much as I should, which is a damn shame really. I should just add it to my daily vitamin intake. I'm sure Vitamin C goes down well with a good porter.

Now let it be known that I'm against going to anything spa oriented. No pedicures or facials (hehe I said facial) for me, cause I'm all man damn it. I see no reason for me to spend my money on any of the like, until now.

A spa in Austria allows their customers to swim in a pool filled with beer. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I mean why not drink it instead? Then I thought about all the good things the fine beverage has given me besides fodder for this blog.

I've found many uses for beer other than using it as an excuse for my often silly and socially unsound behavior, so why not try it? If I ever get married, which is about as likely as Pat Buchanan being a keynote speaker at a NAACP convention, I think this would make a great bachelor party. Me in a pool full of beer with girls who normally seek employment at Deja Vu. I like it.

Great idea. I'm full of them.

"These pools really can help some health problems - but if they don't work for you, you'll probably have drunk enough not to care about it anymore." - Markus Amann

Pool of beer

Choose your own adventure with Wiwille

Page 1

You awake to the sound of a maddening alarm clock. Do you:

Hit the snooze button? Turn to page 5.
Crawl out of bed and get ready for work? Turn to page 2.

Page 2.

As you slowly crawl out of bed you realize that you've got a case of the morning wood. Do you:

Decide to take care of it before work? Turn to page 5.
Decide to instead let it go and keep the windows down in the car hoping the freezing cold will help junior not stand at salute? Turn to page 3.

Page 3.

In a haze you respond to all the text messages you received while you were asleep. You gather up your lunch and workout gear and head out the door of your apartment. You get into your car and start up your vehicle ready to head into work. You notice that you're a little low on gas. Do you:

Stop at the nearest gas station to fill up? Turn to page 5.
Decide to let it go hoping you'll make it? Turn to page 4.

Page 4.

You head down the freeway anticipating traffic. All seems normal until some meth addict trucker swerves into your lane for no apparent reason. Do you:

Swerve out of the way and pull up along side the trucker making your displeasure known by giving him the finger? Turn to page 12.
Let it go and drive on? Turn to page 6.

Page 5.

Your dillydallying has resulted in you showing up late for work. You're fired. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 6.

You arrive at work and realize the text messages you sent earlier were intended for another person. After you publish your latest blog and updating your Facebook status do you:

Decide to respond appropriately to all? Turn to page 7.
Let it go unresolved? Turn to page 9.

Page 7.

After a busy day of work you pack up your laptop and head to the gym. As you enter the workout room you see a hot woman working out on the elliptical trainer from behind. Do you:

Stare at that fine looking body intently for longer than is appropriate? Turn to page 11.
Quickly glance away knowing that it's kinda creepy to be oogling someone like that at a gym? Turn to page 8.

Page 8.

You mount the elliptical trainer and do your workout all the while watching Cash Cab. Afterwards you hit the weights and then hit the showers. You start to head home. After filling your gas tank finally you take the short commute. You walk up to your place ready to make dinner. You suddenly pass your incredibly hot neighbor. Do you:

Smile and make polite contact? Turn to page 10.
Try and hold in that fart you've been saving to release into your roommate's bedroom? Turn to page 13.

Page 9.

Your boss stops by your cube and fires you for texting him the message 'You're a complete assclown' earlier that day. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 10.

After exchanging pleasantries you enter your home and make dinner. After a scrumptious meal you catch up on phone calls and watch some news. You then practice your guitar while watching a movie. Afterwards you log in to your computer, chat with friends, then lay your head down for some shut eye. You are awakened by another text message. Do you:

Wake up and respond in a haze? Turn to page 14.
Decide to let it go until morning? Turn to page 1.

Page 11.

You mount the elliptical trainer next to her. After seeing her face you realize she's all of 16. Chris Hanson walks in and asks you to have a seat over there. You will be forever immortalized on Dateline. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 12.

The trucker follows you into work. He steps out of his vehicle and beats you savagely with a baseball bat. You crawl into the office late and your boss fires you. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 13.

You can't hold in your noxious gasses any longer and create an epic fart in front of the fair maiden. You have just destroyed any delusions you may have had about possibly dating the girl. Go home and kill yourself.

Page 14.

You respond incoherently and go back to bed. Go to page 1.

"You read them as a kid and they captured your imagination. Now they are back for the next generation. They are Choose Your Own Adventure books." - Comicgeekspeak.com

Turpis

I've never used Axe body spray. Even though the commercials indicated that use of their products would send women into frenzies mounting me at any occassion, appropriate or not. Still I'm pretty much immune to such weird advertising. I've never been to a Hooters which may come as a surprise to many.

Some jackass is now suing Lynx because use of their products, such as Axe, has failed to help him find romance as advertised. Now everyone hates lawsuits like this, because it rewards the dumb, the lazy, and the greedy, but what's most fascinating is that this particular court battle is not taking place in America. Yes this is going on overseas. I guess stupid civil trials are not exclusive to the States.

This never happened to me when I played football:



"The company cheated me because in its advertisements, it says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me." - Vaibhav Bedi

Man sues Lynx after failing to pull in seven years

Aetas

"It's a retarded idea that was invented by a drunk man while sleeping with french whores."

My friend's assessment of Daylight Savings Time is the most accurate I've heard to date. I've asked many why this seemed necessary and most gave very good answers, but still it made little sense to me. I never complained too much about it as it only affected me twice a year, but it still served as an inconvenience.

Today was no different. I set my alarm on my phone to 5am as usual to get up for work. The service carrier sets the clocks forward and backward as needed. The alarm went off as usual, but at 5:01 am the clock turned back an hour automatically unbeknownst to me.

I stroll into work to find my Grizzly Adams looking coworker having a smoke outside. He asked me what time it was. When I told him he disagreed. Strange I thought.

I sit in my cube and log on to my computer. Sure enough I was wrong in my assessment of the correct time. I look at my phone and it's an hour back. Sigh. I'm at work an hour early. Oh well. I had emails to read (delete) so I made use of my time.

A few minutes go by and my alarm goes off again. I hate DST.

"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year." - Victor Borge

Thursday Music

As I've written about before covers are often a mixed bag. While some cry fowl at the thought of their precious songs being bastardized I think otherwise. It's all fair game in modern music as songs are hardly written as long epics.

This morning I came into work listening to Social Distortion's cover of 'Ring of Fire'. While I love Johnny Cash I have to admit that he wasn't the best artist. Sure his music is considered iconic, but really the playing and singing were less than perfect. Not that quality really matters in music anymore, but I appreciate the work of the man in black and always will.

I welcome any and all covers though. If I hate them then I can simply chose not to listen to them, or I could mail the band a box of the contents of yesterday's Mongolian Grill dinner I had consumed.

So today dear readers I bring you Social Distortions 'Ring of Fire':



"When I record somebody else's song, I have to make it my own or it doesn't feel right. I'll say to myself, I wrote this and he doesn't know it!" - Johnny Cash

Rememdium

Quite a while back I was dating a girl who was very interested in alternative medicines and often professed their effectiveness. I asked her what she thought about homeopathy. From the start it was clear our definition of the old method of dilution of medicine was very different. She claimed to have a strong background in Eastern and other medical practices that aren't embraced by the scientific community, yet she had no idea who Samuel Hahnemann was nor why he's largely considered the founder of homeopathy.

To give you a little background Samuel Hahnemann was a German doctor who was trying to find a way to provide medicine to poor people as an alternative to the often then used methods of bloodletting. He devised a theory that diluting medicine to a level to where the medicinal properties are non-existent, then use some form of striking method, usually shaking, would suddenly render the substance effective having absorbed material and spirtual properties. While this has no medicinal value at all beyond a placebo effect the poor embraced it and Homeopathy was born.

Now you don't need a strong background in chemistry to see how nonsensical, and possibly dangerous, this is. Again it's basically water, but to abandon traditional science in favor of drinking Aquafina can lead to disastrous results. While Hahnemann is credited with curing the insane and various other wild claims, some of which he was correct about if only partially, the scientific community as a whole scoffs at such practices. Of course most practitioners in homeopathy will tell you it's a conspiracy by the pharmaceutical industry.

The girl was none too pleased about my assessment of alternative medicines. I actually felt kind of bad telling her my opinion, even though I'm firm in my belief. It was like I destroyed someone's faith. No one likes being told they've been lied to. That being said she was still adamant about her belief in the practice and is probably still to this day.

So in honor of Mattbear, who needs to blog more, I'm going to post about his favorite subject, crazy people. In the video below you'll see a renowned homeopath lecturing on physics and alternative medicine. Be warned dear readers for your head will hurt.



"I do not expect that homeopathy will ever be established as a legitimate form of treatment, but I do expect that it will continue to be popular." - James Randi

Contego

Politics has often brought out the worst in people and R-71 in Washington state has seemed to be an excuse for the truly dumb to wave their idiot flag. For those unfamiliar the referendum that's been presented to the voters will grant domestic partners all rights and responsibilities afforded under the law to married couples. While opposition to this has been expected I never assumed how low campaigners against this would go.

Protect Marriage Washington has been leading the fight against gay marriage in our state. Their group has rallied to defend themselves as what they see as an assault on their values. On their website yesterday they decided to mislead their followers in ways so stupid even Birthers were probably taken aback. They launched a commercial citing some statistics that when 'Scandinavia' legalized homosexual unions in 2004 drug use and crime escalated to incredible levels that very year.

Note they ever cite which country in Scandinavia they are referring to, probably because they think it's its own sovereign nation. I thought Palin was bad for not recognizing Africa as being a continent. Regardless no country in the region legalized gay marriage in 2004 and no sources are cited regarding the use of illegal substances or crime as a whole for that matter in the area. Today they've thankfully took down the information and video from their website, but of course no retraction has been published as of yet. Still the site is littered with crazy ramblings from their rallies and horrid use of grammar.

The rest of the content given on the site is equally painful, but they no longer bother with things called facts. Probably a smart move on their part since it's not their forte. I've made my personal views on gay marriage clear already, so there's no use in retyping it, but seriously I'm asking all people who are on the fence about this to really take a good look at the organizations backing both sides of the debate. See which one you can honestly see yourself attributed to morally and intellectually. I think the choice will be clear where you'll mark the ballot come November.

I don't need my marriage, or lack thereof, protected by the government nor some church acting with overwhelming zealotry. In fact I sometimes wish both parties would stay out of the institution. Still with all that's going on in this state with our budget crisis you'd think we'd be able to pass this effectively and move on to issues that are more pressing, but no some group of jackasses wants you to think of the poor little children that may be affected by gay unions. Sigh.

"Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window." - Bill Maher

Proeliator

I took a walk today embracing the new fall colors. Wintessing nature's paintrbrush is one of the greatest pleasures of residing here, one I hope is as invigorating when I'm ready to cash my monthly Social Security check. While sipping my coffee and enjoying my time I couldn't help but think if I'm really appreciating the experince as much as I should.

I truly believe that good cannot exist without evil. Given that I wonder how much I appreciate all that nature has to offer us. Can I truly absorb how beautiful this is? Would it be more magical say if I were an ancient warrior stepping off the field of a terrible battle? Can I know beauty if I've never experience the true horrors this world has to offer?

Philosophers have been in debate about this for centuries, but it's doubtful man can ever percieve other's perceptions in this matter correctly. All one can do is appreciate the little patch of soil they inhabit to the best of their ability.

I wonder how society would function if people stopped being such whiny jackasses and stopped and...eh who am I kidding.

"A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books." - Walt Whitman

Thursday Music

A friend of mine is often told she looks like various celebrities. From Gennifer Goodwin to Julia Stiles some strangers actually approach her swearing that she works in Hollywood. They do share a common likeness, but the one actress she truly resembles is Reese Witherspoon.

Besides the accent the resemblance is uncanny. She found a picture of Reese from some movie where she has the same pose as my friend's profile pic on Facebook. A double take. It was taken.

Ms. Witherspoon is responsible for me going against my better judgement and watching any and all movies she's in for obvious reasons. Some are quite good (Walk the Line, Freeway) and others not so much (Legally Blonde part 2, Vanity Fair).

So today dear readers I give you Reese singing in the style of June Carter, which I find way hot for reasons I can't explain:



"Well I always wanted to be Dolly Parton when I was a little girl. I was obsessed with her." - Reese Witherspoon

Atra

In Great Britain it's Black History Month and like here in the US they celebrate contributions to the art and political world by those with black heritage. While this is not all that interesting as I can't think of a dark skinned member of Parliament off the top of my head, but what is interesting is what great lengths people will try to rewrite the history of the community's leaders.

One writer for The Guardian has taken it upon himself to take issue with the mostly unknown sexuality of a lot of well known black people and how it's being kept under wraps. The article starts off poorly as lists off many famous blacks who happen to be gay, lesbian, or bi-sexual, but then he claims famous diver Greg Louganis as being black (he was actually Samoan/Swedish).

The writer goes on to take the claim that Malcolm X was once into guys and worked in the sex industry in his younger years before his conversion to the Nation of Islam. Citing a biography that's often viewed as the fairest analysis of the activist's life, he believes the interviews in the book are solid evidence of Mr X's bi-sexuality.

Now besides the obvious errors this journalist cites let's get to the real problem, who cares? The author does have a point that citing someone's sexuality when they're a public figure may give much needed courage to the gay community, but is Black History Month the appropriate context for debate on someone's sexuality? Should it matter who they sleep with when celebrating their accomplishments? And if Malcolm X was indeed bi-sexual would it be a good idea to advertise that fact given that he later joined an organization that is known for shunning homosexuality? Wouldn't that make him the Larry Craig of black activists? Am I just blowing this out my ass?

"It is now time for Black History Month to speak the truth. Malcolm X was bisexual. Get over it." - Peter Tatchell

Malcolm X was bisexual. Get over it

Claudus

I did a bad thing today. I used the disabled stall at work.

Actually I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

Businesses accommodate their consumers and employees by giving them allotted parking spaces that suit various needs. By law they must give a specific amount of disabled parking depending on the size of the lot. A grocery store I frequent even gives a spot for pregnant women so they don't have to trek far while carrying their future spawn. Malls and amusement parks have gone so far as to allow families to have the best parking spaces so the little ones don't have to walk far and get any exercise.

Taking a disabled parking space when you have working limbs is often seen as a no-no of the highest order. People will berate you, cops will fine you, and you'll be perceived to be in a league reserved for people who drive slow in the left lane.

Today I was in the bathroom at work and the small stall was occupied. I enter the large stall normally reserved for people who need the assistance of a large metal bar to sit and stand. While it's not specifically marked for the disabled it's often assumed that it's for the needy. For whatever reason as I sat and gave the bathroom my gift of petal scented poop I imagined a gang of men waiting outside ready to beat me with crutches while tossing colostomy bags in my direction.

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in." - Rita Rudner

Antiquus

I'm kind of curious what kind of old man I'll be, if I even live that long. Yes I know some of you are saying that I already am a crotchety bastard who doesn't get the culture of kids nowadays and still isn't sure who Lady Gaga is, but I still have yet to enjoy the early bird special as a result of me waking up at dawn. Usually it's due to me not sleeping the night before.

Nothing makes you feel older than watching kids grow up or seeing old picture of you. My friend Heather decided it would be a great idea to post some shots of me and some friends back in high school on Facebook. It was great taking a trip down memory lane to simpler times, but looking at myself twenty years ago...

So let's play a little game here on One Bad Apple. The mission is to find your author Wiwille in the photo of this sausage fest below. Not even my best friend could point me out.

"Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age." - Victor Hugo