Halloween weirdness.

I love Halloween. I really do. I love the candy, the dressing up, the bad movies, everything. I miss the mischief I used to get into once I got to be teenager. One year there were numerous reports of me and my friends shenanigans in the police blotter the next day, but we didn't get caught. Thank god cause I can't imagine the amount of property damage we created that fateful hallows eve.

The strangest thing that happened to me on Halloween was when I was living in Bellingham. I came home after a Halloween party and found my pumpkin was smashed all over my porch. Being extremely drunk I decided to wait until the next day to clean the mess.

The next morning I came out to the porch to find the pumpkin and it's remains were gone. The whole porch was clean. 'Ye gods' I thought. Did I just imagine the whole event? Did someone actually break the squash like vegetable only to have the Great Pumpkin come by and do his magic and take the smashed remains up to Veggie Tales heaven? Maybe someone just felt bad about doing it and cleaned it up later. I'll never know the mystery that is the short life of my busted pumpkin.

"Where there is no imagination there is no Horror." - Arthur Conan Doyle, Sr.

Novak + Rove = Jackassery of the highest order.

It's hard for people to get behind the outrage felt by the few who believe the leaking of Valerie Plame's identity is a serious threat not only to her, her family, her colleagues, but to the national security of this country. It's a complicated issue with far reaching consequences that at first I never really understood. I'm no expert in international espionage. It took some research to fully grasp this.

60 Minutes did a good piece on the hazards that have been placed on our intelligence community because of this. Crooks and Liars is kind enough to be hosting the video. If you're at all interested I suggest going there and viewing it. I don't expect you to be shocked by this, but I do think it's informative.

My only problem with the report is that it did not make clear how much of an asshole Robert Novak is. Anyone who employs that pig fucker from now on deserves to be drawn and quartered. I want his career to end. Now. In fact lets go a step further and start a reality show called "Who Wants to Physically Abuse the Columnist?"

"You must pursue this investigation of Watergate even if it leads to the president. I'm innocent. You've got to believe I'm innocent. If you don't, take my job." - Richard M. Nixon

The Outing of Valerie Plame

Entertainment I should be ashamed of, but I'm not.

There are many things I used to enjoy as a youngster that I look back on and say why? I admit I've watched the movie "Rad" in excess of 36 times. I once owned a Def Leppard album. I believed it was truly possible that Natalie Wood would marry me; however I didn't know she was dead nor did I consider that she actually aged after "Rebel Without a Cause".

One little nugget of television history still entertains me to this day and that is Beavis and Butthead. The first time I saw the show was like magic. Watching them chant "washing the dog washing the dog" to the tune of Judas Priest's "Breaking the Law" had me rolling. I will never forget Beavis, disguised as the Great Cornhulio, breaking into the girls bathroom screaming "come out with your pants down." Truly high brow entertainment.

Comcast is showing segments of it on On Demand. Great stuff. I'm happy to report that MTV is releasing the show on DVD. Now do I add it to my collection and risk people raising a few eyebrows at my juvenile tastes? Hell yes, cause I too know what it's like to need TP for my bunghole. For all of you truly understand the deeper meaning that is frog baseball or calling a guy named Harry Sack over and over again only to hold the phone to a flushing toilet...enjoy.

"Damnit Beavis, what the hell are you doing? You're not supposed to have your penis out while you're cooking!" - Butt-head

Beavis & Butthead 1: Mike Judge Collection [3 Discs] - DVD

Hate, Hess, and preteen girl singers?

Growing up in the sheltered Northwest I haven't encountered much racism. Sure I've heard the vile jokes and asinine banter; however I've never witnessed a cross burning, seen a neo Nazi in person, at least that I'm aware of. I've never had a minority friend get attacked because of race. I've seen a few things though that have disturbed me even in my simpleton upbringing.

I once was out taking photos back in high school. I came across a telephone booth with a drawing of a monkey with "No Niggers" written on it. I've taken many photographs in my day, but this one still burns within me. My hometown didn't have many black people. In fact I don't remember seeing one until I was like 14. For some reason some jackass thought it would be a great idea to draw that on a phone booth in some vain attempt to keep their least favorite minority from buying real estate in the area. I hope their daughter marries a black man.

I used to work at a photography studio back in high school. As part of my tasks I put together the packages for all the high school dances. When the prints came back I bundled them up and delivered them to the schools. One time one of the receptionists was helping me and she saw a picture of a black guy with a blonde blue eyed girl. She looked at me and asked "are there many of those at your school?" I said no cause I think he's the only black guy there. She looked at the pic again and gave a repulsed look.

I knew the guy. Not well, but whenever I encountered him he was pretty cool to me. It was then I felt sorry for him mainly cause I can't imagine people hating me for simply not being born white.

Then again I've had minorities call me names like cracker and shit. I almost got my ass beat in a club once. Me and my friend were the only white people in there. One guy was making fun of my buddy calling him and his wife names like two tone and stuff. Oh his wife's black.

I step in to try and calm the situation. Anytime I've ever tried to do that things always end up going completely awry. We ended up making it out of the club unharmed, but with some bruised egos. We were called everything in the book, stuff that would normally send my fists flying, but following some sound advice I said nothing. She dragged me by the back of the shirt out of the club.

My friend's wife later berated me for even talking back to them claiming they would've have literally killed me. Why she took us there I don't know.

As I tell this story to people most of them call me an idiot, which is true. I find the whole encounter really sad though. I and many others simply can't go into a place of business without threat of harm? Is this really the country that we want?

Nothing bothers me more then white supremacist. Extremists of all ideologies do, but the skinheads are so devious. There latest recruiting tool disturbs me to no end. Apparently there is a preteen singing group that creates songs about white power and praises people like Rudolph Hess. Of course these girls are wholeheartedly endorsed by the European Americans Council headed by none other then David Duke.

These blonde blue eyed girls seem innocent in an Olsen twins kind of fashion, pre-coke addict look of course. At first glance you'd think this is something you'd want your children to look at or hear. Then the lyrics come and make your head swirl. When hearing racism come from an adult you pass it off as ignorance. When it comes from what seems like sweet little girls it almost throws me into an epileptic fit.

I've never been one to advocate censorship even when it comes to hate speech. Things like this; however, make me question my stance if only for a brief second.

"A lot of white Americans are in denial of what they've been raised to think about black people. And black people are still suffering the effects of slavery and institutionalized racism. So we have a whole country full of dysfunctional people. One set of group in total denial, and everyone else... It's totally schizophrenic." - John Singleton

ABC News report on the band

Being hung can get you a light sentence.

Sometimes I wish I weren't hung like a 3 year old. Okay I know a lot of you are thinking "TMI", but seriously it would be kind of cool to have the size of an at least average adult.

I'm of the sound mind to consider all rapists to be vermin trash who deserve no less then a 48 hour beatdown by English soccer fans followed by a force fondling by Star Jones all the while being forced to watch the film "The Journey of Natty Gann." This defendant has used the most ridiculous claim I've ever heard of to get himself out of a sexual assault charge.

Yes his lawyer believes his client's penis is too large to penetrate someone. In court they even showed a plastic cast to prove to the jury how massive this guy is. I hope he gets the death penalty.

"The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!" - from the film "Zardoz"

Penis size used as defense in trial

"Warp speed Mr Sulu", "Fabulous captain".

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, to find out that George Takei, aka Sulu of Star Trek fame, is *gasp*...gay. Yes he came out of the closet recently to the surprise of no one.

This sort of reminds me of the time Rosie O'Donnell came out. I remember thinking "well yeah? Didn't she already come out?"

I remember being kind of taken aback when Rob Halford came out of the closet. I used to be a big Judas Priest fan and even though the guy wore the leather S&M outfits and ridiculous hats I had no idea. Of course I was like 12 and someone's sexuality never even crossed my mind. Strange that it does now though.

Everyone has some sort of gaydar. Mine is just broken.

"San Francisco. I was born there." - Sulu, "Star Trek IV The Voyage Home".

Sulu says he's gay

Crazy ass bets.

In a display of reckless abandon I've made the craziest wager ever. KM and the Jiggaman have placed a bet between themselves that the next person who smokes will give the other party $500. They came to me with the wager and I decided to jump on; however the stakes are higher. The next person who smokes gives up $500 to the other two. That's $1000 dollars for those of you who lack skills in arithmetic.

It can safely be said now that I can't afford to smoke. This is going to be tough, but we all needed some incentive. Although I'm glad to see those two give up the habit I secretly hope one of them break down because I could use an extra $500.

In preparation for this I've bought a lot of gum and KM will hide his guns. If I end up on the evening news with a headline that states "Man breaks into polka hall armed with sword and mace. 25 hostages held. Demands 57 cartons of Camel Lights," please provide an adequate funeral.

It should be noted that the Jiggaman is counting on me to lose this. I think he sees me as weak and that'll make his transition back to smoking cloves that much quicker. Pride is on the line now, which is more important then money.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields

Keira Knightley demands kissing leading men. Erik and CS enroll in acting school.

Celebrity news is often dull and 99.9% unimportant. I've ran across an article today that has changed my life though. I know now what I need to do and that is become a leading man actor and get casted alongside Keira Knightley. My life's mission of raising an army of sword wielding ninja monkeys will have to wait.

"In five years’ time I’ll be like, 'I’m sorry, I need to be guaranteed a snog with my leading man. Write it into my contract!'" - Keira Knightley.

Keira: I must have a snog

Erik's Book of Stupid Quotes

Back by not so popular demand Erik's Book of Stupid Quotes is here. Years ago I compiled in my brain a list of various quotes made by people I know. Most of these quotes will seem dumb or will be flat out some of the stupidest things you've ever heard. I used to call it "Erik's Book of Stupid Quotes." Every time someone said something that seemed ridiculous we would always use the line 'that's going in the book'.

All of the people quoted are intelligent people. They have just had the misfortune of not thinking before they talk which is something I think we are all guilty of. Most of these fall under the 'you have to have been there' category; however I think you'll still enjoy them.

"Are cows smart?"-CS. Enough said there.

"Cops whoo-hoo. Cops whoo-hoo."-JF. In a car full of drunk guys JF decides to stick his head out the window and scream this to a passing police officer.

"Look it's gotta be bionic."-QD. QD reasons that the only way a walrus could be able to take on a shark is for the walrus to be bionic. During this fictional event AS and Erik would be photographing the fight in a "shark cage made of straw."

"Put in Erik's top ten I want to get the clap."-CS. He meant he wanted to clap along with a certain song.

"Liza Minelli is riding an ostrich playing the trombone and she's right behind us."-Erik. Substances that will go unnamed helped me believe that this horrid event was actually happening.

"Back in 1974."-CS. CS was relating that date to the attack on Pearl Harbor. I guess WWII and Vietnam happened simultaneously.

"Doesn't Texas border California?"-AS. I gave him a quick lesson in geography after said quote.

"It's all about the internet."-QD. In a discussion about alimony and prenuptial agreements QD decided that the internet is the bottom line.

"Sit down you fat bitch we make more money than you."-SM. This pleasant gentleman screamed this quote at a stripper. Apparently the bouncer was none too happy with SM's observation about the financial status of the exotic dancer and kicked him and his party out of the club.

"Those who prevail kick ass and those who kick ass prevail."-QD. After schooling some random guy in pool a highly intoxicated QD decided that this quote was appropriate.

"Well she could have died before she gave birth to the...uhh.."-Erik. I was trying to predict when a certain character was going to die in the next couple of Star Wars movies.

"It's a fish. No man I see it in the trees it's a big fish."-CS. A little under the influence CS tries to point out an amphibian sitting in the trees.

"Name one stupid thing I've said tonight."-CS. Five minutes after previous quote.

"We all know SD sucks." - AS. SD was none too happy about AS's observations about her skills playing Mario Kart.

"Kill yourself." - CS. This was in response to AS's rhetorical question of "You know what I should do?"

"Penis unites women." - Erik. Now before you think I'm a sexist pig this was stated in response of a friend being ganged up on by two of his ex-girlfriends at a party. These former female adversaries are now friends being they've both have his nudity in common. I being of a drunken nature decided that this saying was very profound.

"Maybe he's just dumb and he wears a really bad toupee." - Erik. After an argument with a manager about the abilities of another manager I decided that my quote explained it all. Her face then turned to shear anger and said "that's my fiance you're talking about."

"I'll go ahead and suck it while you clean my rack" - former coworker who's name eludes me. This requires some explanation. I used to work in a photo lab and I created a tool out of a toy that pumped chemicals out of the machine quicker. We dubbed it the 'suck it' tool. Anyways one of the machines was contaminated and we had to drain it and clean all the parts some of which are referred to as 'racks'. Upon hearing this quote I declared if any of that happened I would never quit my job.

"Filmmaking is like anything. If you don't do it it don't get done." - RO. Truer words have never been spoken.

"I need to get that, cause that's the one I need to get." - RO. In a game of Monopoly RO made it clear to God and everyone the exact reason he needed a property.

I know there are more quotes that I have forgotten about.

Scott McClellan may go nuts.

I've been following Scott McClellan since Fleischer stepped down as Press Secretary and I've enjoyed every minute of it. At first we saw him as somewhat youthful and energetic about his new role as marriage counselor between press and politics. As the months wore on he seems tired, defensive, and I do foresee his inevitable snap.

I can't wait for it to happen. The NY Times press bureau will ask him another question about the Plame incident and Scott will whip out a medieval sword and jump up on the podium and scream:

"I've had it you fuckers. All day long I hear 'Plame this, Iraq that, administration is lacking' bullshit. Every single day you bloodsuckers try to use condescending language such as 'find it troubling' or 'do you think the administration's mistake' and it drives me batshit. All you want to say is 'we hate the fucking President, you, your family, and America and we'll make you look like a horses ass every chance we can get.'

For this I hate you. I have decided to engage in mortal combat with each and every one of you pig fuckers. You're save the world commie crap has caused me two ulcers and a week long bout with hemorrhoids. My children get made fun of in school and I'm starting to look like the Iraqi information minister. After this my only gig will be press agent for Erik Estrada. I hate you, hate you, hate you, bwwwaaaaaaahhhhhh."

I do actually kind of feel sorry for the guy. Seriously wouldn't you go sort of nuts having to defend a presidency such as the current one? It would cause me to commit crimes against humanity, or at least crimes against street mimes and cell phone salesmen.

"I do expect that the President will say something at the beginning of his remarks today, at the conversation." - Scott McClellan

Erik and CS posing as handymen, few injured.

This weekend came upon me with great bouts of masculinity, or so I hoped. CS bought a nice new dishwasher and needed help installing it. The plan was to have RO come by with his truck, pick up the dishwasher and the Jiggaman's TV, then move the stuff into CS's place. RO bailed so CS found another truck to borrow and the task fell upon him and I.

We first picked up the dishwasher. A nice dishwasher for sure; however the installment became a chore I did not foresee. We got the dishwasher up the three flights of stairs with a handtruck we conveniently "borrowed" from the hardware store. We then removed the old dishwasher which went fairly smoothly. Damn that thing is old. CS found out the thing was built in 1979.

The installment of the new dishwasher tested my patience to no end. I figured out the wiring which was easy. There are only two water lines, one for incoming and the other for outgoing, which again was simple. The real dilemma was hooking up the incoming copper tube. The old dishwasher had a larger thread hole then the new one. The copper tube is not flexible as you can imagine.

To make matters worse the builders of the condo decided to install the baseboard heater just a foot away from the dishwasher which was placed right up against the wall. Moving the unit into place became a test of endurance. We scratched the living hell out of the side of the door.

We moved the dishwasher in and realized the mount on the copper tube would not fit on the dishwasher so we had to move it back out. We talked in a very confused manner about what we were going to do. CS finally deducted that we could take the fitting off the copper tube and it should thread into the dishwasher. Success. However when we moved the dishwasher back in and turned the water on liquid started shooting out of it like a geyser.

CS found a neighbor who lent us plumbers tape, aka teflon tape. We moved the dishwasher back out and taped it up. Then we moved the dishwasher back in, all the while scraping the side of the door, and tested it. The leak was less, but it still gave water. We finally decided to give up and go get the TV.

We went back to my place with the truck and loaded the miserable TV with the kind help of the Jiggaman. CS was concerned that the TV would tip over in the back of the truck and wanted to ride in the back. I decided that I would do it considering my sense of direction back to CS's place was limited. This became an interesting ride.

I sat in the back which kind of felt nice considering the bed of the truck was warm. The drive line must be very close to the bed. After we started taking off the bed got warmer and warmer till finally I thought my ass was on fire. Convenient since the rest of me was freezing. On the average I felt pretty good.

After a miserable ride to CS's we contemplated how the two of us would handle getting this huge thing up three flights of stairs. This is an old 57 inch television which only should be moved by 4 people at least. CS recruited the same neighbor with the teflon tape. He and CS moved the front of the unit up the stairs while I sat back and took the weight on the back.

The last flight of stairs became a true test of strength. Both the neighbor and CS inched the TV up each step while I sat back and held the thing. We finally got the damn thing up there, but pain shot through my back something fierce.

We decided to tackle the dishwasher the next day. I went out that night and saw the pretty girl, played some pool by myself while another guy from the group sat in silence, and then went home.

The next day CS picked me up and we went to Lowe's for supplies. I had the bright idea of getting rope to pull the tubing through the wall. I'm pretty proud of that idea.

We went back to CS's and moved the dishwasher out again. We taped the threads and CS put on almost an entire roll of tape around the base of the nuts. We moved the until back in and turned on the water. The leak was less then before; however the it was still there.

Again we moved the dishwasher out and CS went back to taping. We then moved it back in again and gave it the ol college try. Ye Gods the leak was still there.

CS contacted the friendly neighbor and he gave us insulated tubing to replace the copper hose. Moving the dishwasher again we taped up the threads, replaced the tubing, moved it back in and turned on the water. It worked. A great sigh of accomplishment came over us. We were so damn estatic.

We went outside and talked about what we did wrong and how we could do it better if there is a next time god forbid. We bitched and moaned about the miserable heater being placed so inconveniently. CS went in to see if the dishwasher door could actually open all the way. He opened it and sure enough it would only move down about 1/4 of the way before it hit the heater. He looked back at me and I gave an almost sad laugh to the whole ridiculousness of it.

Overall I'm still proud we did it. We learned a lot and we did not suffer 3rd degree electrical burns. I love that feeling of accomplishment when I install something. I wanted to go light a barbecue and grill beef while drinking beer all the while being surrounded by bikini models. Yes that is how I feel when I do a handyman chore.

I went and saw the pretty girl afterwards. It was a good weekend. I got to play with tools, wire appliances, use muscle in moving stuff, solve the puzzle that is plumbing, then got to see the pretty girl. I couldn't have asked for a better time. Okay I could have been skydiving in a tropical setting, but my time was well spent.

"Men weren't really the enemy - they were fellow victims suffering from an outmoded masculine mystique that made them feel unnecessarily inadequate when there were no bears to kill." - Betty Friedan

Bill O'Reilly might retire, claims he's a warrior.

Uninformed loud mouth and crusader for senseless boycotts Bill O'Reilly has thrown the idea of retiring out there. He told Katie Couric in a Today Show interview that his body, much like any "athlete", can't take the constant criticism nor the strain of being all amped on unimportant issues.

The idea of O'Reilly retiring really doesn't matter to me since I don't care for his show at all, but it may do the public some good to no longer have him around. I used to enjoy The Factor, but now watching it makes me want to stab myself in the groin. He's gotten so arrogant that reason seems to be a foreign concept to him. Whether it be boycotting french goods or railing about whether Michael Jackson is a good dad he lost all credibility with me.

O'Reilly brings in huge ratings for Fox and this retirement announcement may be a scam in hopes they offer him a better contract. Still my hopes are high that he's no longer with us.

"Finally, the ACLU - we talked about this yesterday and I - and, you know, I have to pick on the ACLU because they're the most dangerous organization in the United States of America right now. There's by far. There's nobody even close to that. They're, like, second next to Al Queda." - Bill O'Reilly

Video of O'Reilly and Couric

CNN's front page stories.

Damn CNN. Damn them and everything they stand for. They had a front page link about the importance of Jennifer Aniston kissing Vince Vaughn. Yes front page news. Vince Vaughn kisses the girl who's not hot but has promoted herself as some sort of goddess so everyone believes her to be. Seriously folks. Look at Jennifer Aniston for a while. She's not that pretty, but for some reason we've all been duped into thinking she is. We've been lied to and I'm mad as hell about it.

Not as mad as the public giving such a good goddamn about who she makes out with. There is so much interest that CNN gives it priority over political strife in South America, genocide in Africa, etc. Sigh.

"You know when I feel inwardly beautiful? When I am with my girlfriends and we are having a 'goddess circle'." - Jennifer Aniston

Aniston and Vaughn together in photos

Ahh youthful ignorance being true bliss.

I've been to places that use exotic "dancers" as entertainment. Ok they're strip clubs. Two teens decided to go to one for the first time which lead to the following story:

Two kids went into the place and ordered lap dances. They were not aware that once a song ends they have to pay for another one. The strippers in true form decided to not to inform the guys of the bill they were racking up until the club closed. They girls just asked them if they wanted another and being young horny males they obviously said yes. They received 82 lap dances. Eighty friggin two!!!

At the end of the night the boys found themselves with a $2,460 bill. Needless to say the owner and strippers were not happy to be told they couldn't pay it. The police were called and the boys were hauled off to jail.

Can you imagine what the conversations in jail was like for them?

Prisoner - "What are you in here for?"

Teen - "I got a bunch of lap dances and didn't pay."

Prisoner - "You are now the god of prison block B2. We have decided not to give you dry anal."

A court has decided to drop the charges stating that the teens were never informed of the trade agreement between their erection and a girl rubbing it and no criminal intent was shown. They got 41 lap dances each for free!!! Man they must've been sore.

I swear this is a story for the grandchildren.

Now I've had a few lapdances in a row, but 41? I hope they took a break before...uhh...I'm getting a little crude here.

"We did not find any criminal intent on the part of the two young men, but that was a lot of lap dances." - Betty Hanes, a paralegal in the DA's office who was involved in the decision to drop the charges.

Strip club flub

Win a date with...Rupert Murdoch?

Yes for all of you that wished to go out with the Aussie media mogul your dreams can come true. In the spirit of exploitation that Fox regularly dishes, Murdoch has auctioned off a lunch meeting on Ebay. Proceeds will go to a technical college in Jerusalem.

The big question that is not listed on the auction is does he put out on a first or second date? For a starting bid of $25,000 I better be getting some under the table action.

"I am amazed that CNN can't get its act together." - Rupert Murdoch

Murdoch sells lunch date on eBay

Crushes that never die.

I had many a childhood crush. Mostly they were celebrities sprinkled with the occasional school mate. The first one I remember was Linda Carter and then of course Catherine Bach of Daisy Duke fame. I could list all of them, but that would take way too much time and be pretty dull.

Most of those celebrity crushes wavered throughout the years, mostly because the women got older and lost their looks; however one still sits with me to this day.

Alyssa Milano. When I admit this crush most people give me a strange look or a disapproving glare. I'm not sure exactly why. One friend told me she heard she's a whore. How she knows about the sex habits of the Charmed actress escapes me, but she truly believes Ms. Milano is a dirty tramp. Damn tabloids.

I was eight years old when Who's the Boss premiered. I remember seeing it for the first time. I almost changed the channel until Alyssa showed up. I think she was 10 then. I was a young lad who was smitten. I watched that miserable show every Tuesday at 8p just for a glance of her. I recall being pissed off if she didn't appear on that particular episode. At least I got to see her in the credits. Having an episode that revolved around her character was like Christmas.

Being the silly romantic I was back then I even wrote to her. I remember the excitement I felt every time the mail came only to be another let down that my queen never wrote back. I ended up getting a "thank you for your letter" form and an invitation to join her fan club for 10 dollars.

I was waiting for her to turn not cute like many childhood actresses. In true Natalie Wood tradition though, she turned out really hot. My parents never understood that crush, but they did buy me a Alyssa Milano poster when I was 15. I ended up with three of them altogether. Yes that's how deep into her I was. A girlfriend in high school asked me to take the posters down cause it made her jealous. She threw a fit when I refused. We didn't date that long.

Strange as it may seem I was the only one amongst my friends who had this crush. Sure we all agreed on Heather Locklear and the hot girl from "Charles in Charge", but none really had an eye on Alyssa other then myself.

A few years back I rented Poison Ivy part 2 upon hearing Alyssa got topless in the film. CS and I sat down and watched it and good god it was terrible. Sure she got all sorts of naked many times, but the movie was laughably bad. CS and I made names for some of the characters, such as Wang Fu for the mute performance artist. I think he had one line in the whole movie and then he got thrown down a staircase. We were hoping he would get all Jackie Chan on the bad guy, but alas.

I sat down and watched the show 'Charmed' the other day. Again a really bad show, but the girl is still hot. I went to her website and found out she's a photographer, and not a bad one at that. I don't think this common interest will get her to marry me, but a man's gotta have dreams.

"I feel a lot healthier when I'm having sex." - Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano

I'm torn.

Rumors are now abound about the possible resignation of Vice President Dick Cheney. Normally this would make me happier then a Japanese businessman at a Las Vegas strip club; however I don't know how to react to this news. If it does happen will it mean Bush will appoint some worse? Given the President's track record on political appointments, i.e. Mike Brown, could we actually get someone less competent then Dick to really run the government while our figure-head-in-chief continues to look and act like someone with the mental capacity of a Special Olympics athlete?

I'm torn folks. I'm really torn about this. In case Cheney doesn't resign I really want a headline to read "Bush holds on to Dick", but I'm weird that way.

"When George Bush asked me to sign on, it obviously wasn't because he was worried about carrying Wyoming. We got 70 percent of the vote in Wyoming, although those three electoral votes turned out to be pretty important last time around." - Dick Cheney

Rumors Swirl that Cheney Will Resign

There is no better reason to be healthy.

In the 'painstakingly obvious' category scientists have found that losing weight will dramatically improve your sex life. I can't think of a better motivation to trim the fat.

Screw the damage to vital organs. To hell with it's affect on an active lifestyle. We should all trim up because we want better oral.

I'm sure there will be a follow up story stating gyms have the highest recruiting rate ever due to this report.

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." - George Bernard Shaw

Lose weight, enjoy a better sex life - U.S. study

The hills are alive....

So a buddy of mine had the quote "the lighting says something to the thunder then the thunder answers back" on his Messenger ID. I asked him why he was quoting the 'Sound of Music' and he said "it's because I'm gay." It's true he is gay.

Now what does that say about me? I mean I did catch the obscure quote from a musical after all.

"I was a weird kid. I should've been gay because I listened to a lot of Broadway musicals. I don't know why I'm not gay." - Frank Oz

No man can stand up to the power of a beauty parlor.

In what seems like a scene cut from 'Steel Magnolias 2: Ghetto Style' a man walks into a salon disguised, armed, and demands money. All the women laugh at him. Seriously. Gun waving lunatic got laughed at. The guy was so pissed he just turned and walked off.

Now if this happened in a barber shop things would go rather differently. Man walks into den of haircutting and waves gun and demands cash. In a valiant display of testosterone leaking into the brain, a customer pounces the would be robber. Bullets fly everywhere and many are hurt or dead. Robber makes off with the contents of the register along with the maimed victims wallets. Hails cab for getaway car.

This is why I truly believe women have so much more power over men then vice versa. All they have to do is laugh at us and make jokes about the size of our manhood and we lose all desire for confrontation. If we truly want to win a war easily we must send women out on the front lines. They can do the point at crotch and giggle tactic and any opposing army would surrender or flee.

This story truly kicks ass.

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." - George Carlin

Masked robber laughed out of store

Election of suckage.

I've read many articles speculating on the presidential race in 2008. A lot of them are prophesizing that we'll have the first woman president and that will be no doubt Hillary Clinton.

A few articles are even going so far as to say the next race will be Hillary vs Condoleeza Rice. If Bush winning 2004 didn't want to make you bolt for Canadian citizenship this surely will.

I have no problems with having a female president; however I will not vote for one just because she's a female. When I'm at the polls I don't think about the sake of being a progressive, but I can see many people voting for a woman, platform be damned. I hope when people vote they would think of issues such as foreign policy, fiscal responsibility, possible cabinet picks, etc. I'm not completely naive though.

Considering I believe both candidates to be underqualified and the thought of them being leader of the free world makes me want to completely lose faith in the American political process I might just have to...well...do nothing. I'll just cast my vote, probably 3rd party, and cry myself to sleep come November 2008.

"If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle." - Hillary Clinton

Mrs President

Hitman is ready to be distributed.

Ahh I'm finally ready to hand out copies of Hitman. RO is so glad to be done with it as am I. It's definitely something we'll watch years from now and chuckle.

"Drama is life with the dull bits cut out." Alfred Hitchcock

Musical breast implants.

Yes you read that right. BT Futurology is in the process of developing a MP3 player that produces sound files located in fake boobies. Company Analyst Ian Pearson is quoted as saying "It is now very hard for me to think of breast implants as just decorative."

I second that. I always wanted someone to develop laser beams coming out of the nipples. May make foreplay a little dangerous, but exciting. Think of it ladies. A man who is constantly staring down at your assets could take two laser beams to the eyes. It would be like a James Bond film. Maybe I'm setting myself up for some hurt there, because I'm so terrible about that. It's amazing how I have any female friends.

"If a woman has something implanted permanently, it might as well do something useful." - Ian Pearson.

Musical breasts

Camel 'Toads'.

Often times I find myself clueless on current pop culture items.

Example: I used to work at a photo lab years ago. A coworker came into the lab bursting with excitement. I asked her what she found that was so thrilling and she told me that Brandi and Mace were now dating. The rest of the crew actually joined in her little bubbly tone. I was however confused.

"Who are they?" I asked. "Do they work here?" I thought I knew everyone that worked at that store and the name Mace seemed a little too obscure to miss.

Jaws dropped and fingers pointed at me. Laughter then ensued. Everyone thought I was hilarious for having said that.

After the hysterics calmed down they informed me that Brandi and Mace were R&B singers and were very popular at the time. I told them I wasn't a fan of that and they all gasped. One even stared at me and asked "What do you listen to then?" It's was like she truly believed R&B was the only genre available.

I would like to think that I do have some knowledge of slang though. I'm no linguistics expert, but I can decipher it reasonably well. If I ever become a parent I do hope that I have better luck with it then this gal. She wrote into a newspaper column because she is concerned about a correspondence her godson wrote stating that he was looking forward to finding 'camel toads' at the local pool. The writer assumed it was a cheap high the kid was looking for, like toad licking.

Anyways the article is too damn funny not to share.

"Pop is actually my least favorite kind of music, because it lacks real depth." - Christina Aguilera

Scouting for 'camel toads' at pool.

Fox has actually used some sense. Some being the keyword.

In a startling moment of reason the Fox network has cancelled "The Simple Life" starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. I haven't been this upset since "Cop Rock" was let go.

Dear god how did "Cop Rock" ever become a show? I mean seriously. Some television exec, who was probably snorting 16 lines of white powder with 2 hookers under his desk, gave the greenlight to a weekly musical about cops. I saw this show once and yes it was as bad as it sounds. But I digress...

I'm very excited to hear that I and the general public will see less of Paris and Nicole. Nicole Richie seems like that girl in high school who really thought she was hot and acted like everyone should bow to her every whim, but if you didn't she'd get really pissed and throw a tantrum and tell all her friends that you had a penis the size of a roll of pennies. That never happened to me of course. Nope never.

And Paris, well every guy has seen what we've want to already so any appearance by her in any other medium besides the internet is moot. She's never been really hot to me and she seems even less attractive when she opens her mouth.

I want a reality show where Scarlett Johanson and Selma Hayek have to spend a week together handcuffed. That's a show I'd watch.

"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything." - Paris Hilton

Fox cancels 'The Simple Life'

Laura Bush pulls a Jesse Jackson.

Our village idiot turned commander in chief's wife spoke out to critics about the nomination of an inexperienced lottery commissioner to the highest court of the land. She believes that sexism plays a part of a lot of conservatives that are wary of her credentials.

Sexism. Right. They don't like her because she's woman. Put aside the fact that she's never been a judge, nor has much if any legal experience. They're just a bunch of cigar chomping, wife swapping, atheists who can't stand to have a woman on the bench.

Oh and never mind that they also confirmed Ginsberg who was appointed by Clinton. No Mrs. Bush they hate the fact that she has a vagina and we all know that conservatives secretly fear menstruation. I remember hearing about the 1934 Michigan Republican Party convention where a former suffrage marcher exposed herself by lifting her dress to her knees. Various GOPers stabbed out their eyes and the rest ran away screaming. The local newspaper reported one innocent bystander as saying "Yep. Saw the whole thing. Shameless hussy lifter her britches and almost showed her nether regions. If she lifted them there skirt thingy any higher I plum believe that many would've been hurt. You know those things drink cows blood."

"That's possible, I think that's possible." - Laura Bush when asked if the critics motives are chauvinistic.

Laura Bush Echoes Sexism Charge in Miers Debate

Shout at the Devil

Another day another crazy dream. This one is a long one so buckle up.

It started out with me staying at the Salish Lodge. A construction worker busted into my room and ordered me out because they were swapping the Lodge with the Space Needle. I walk out of the place to see the Space Needle on a giant truck outside. I turned around and the Salish Lodge was being hoisted by helicopters. I assumed it was going out to the Seattle Center.

A crazy girl I used to date then appeared and started laughing at me hysterically. I got into my car and drove off.

I was in my car and Nikki Six and Vince Neil of Motley Crue fame suddenly appeared in the vehicle. They said I had to go to a party in Boise Idaho because some friends there demanded my presence.

Bam I was suddenly in Boise. I drove to a house while Vince and Nikki started rocking out to 'Wild Side'. Upon entering the party I saw almost everyone I know. I walked outside with CS and he was ranting and raving about how cool it was that he is hanging with the Crue. Vince Neil then threw a girl through a sliding glass door and started beating her. I started to run at him and he pointed at me and yelled "DOGGGGSSSSS". Out of nowhere a bunch of huskies showed up and started attacking me. Everyone just stood around and watched while I was fighting off these rabid beasts.

Dream ended.

Now this dream could mean many things. Vince Neil could be the antichrist and holds Damien like powers. Huskies could represent my neighbors who love everything UW. Maybe the crazy girl was...uhh...I'm not even going to go there.

"When I was a little kid, I took tap and ballet. I've always loved to dance. I'm a rhythm machine." - Tommy Lee

Update: Dream Dictionary has the following interpretations:

Dogs: On the metaphysical level, dogs are consider to be the guardians of the underworld. Finally, dogs could represent the more basic or "animal" parts of our nature and some think that they specifically represent male energy.

Celebrity (there was no definition for butt rock bands): Sometimes dreaming about a famous a celebrity may be a wish-fulfilling dream, or it could hold important messages about ourselves.

Hotel: All dwelling places generally represent the dreamer's psychological, emotional, or spiritual condition. The dream may reflect a current reality, issue, or dilemma and attempt to bring the dreamer into greater self-awareness. As a dream symbol it could reflect a need for rest and reflection. Depending on the details of the dream, specific information can be ascertained. For example, if the hotel is luxurious it suggests prosperity and positive decision-making.

They didn't have an explanation for crazy people I used to date.

UNICEF not so smurfy. I say smurf off.

UNICEF, a.k.a. United Nations Childrens Fund, has decided to create an anti war short by characterizing the Smurfs being blown to hell from bombs dropped by warplanes. A spokesman for UNICEF has said his agency wanted to shock viewers because traditional images of third world war zones were not working.

I can understand wanting to get the publics' attention regarding various human rights issues, but is using cartoon characters as victims really necessary? Does UNICEF honestly believe that families are going to sit around the table and have long deep discussions about global violence after their children have just witnessed their beloved characters being massacred?

I'm quite surprised that the owners of Peyo's estate decided to give permission for this. If someone releases a STD video starring Smurfette I'm going to be really pissed.

This may set an ugly precedence. I don't have children, but I hate to imagine having to explain to my nephews why some ad agency hired by a humanitarian organization decided to depict their heroes being killed.

I can see some West African relief org releasing a video of various Warner Bros characters having their limbs cut off because they don't support the current totalitarian regime. At the end the narrator will say "Every time you buy a diamond from DeBeers Tweety loses a foot." Porky Pig will then say "That's all folks" to the now famous Looney Tunes theme. Ugh.

Now imagine if PETA decided to use these tactics. Foghorn Leghorn being chopped to bits in a meat grinder, Pluto being beaten by some brute, and/or the Care Bears being shot by some mad hunter drunk on lite beer. Good lord this really disturbs me.

I say smurf UNICEF. I call on Hefty Smurf to smurf them up something smurfy.

"We wanted something that was real war - Smurfs losing arms, or a Smurf losing a head -but they (Peyo's estate) said no." - Julie Lamoureux, account director at Publicis for the ad campaign.

UNICEF ad drops bomb on Smurfs

Update: Here is a real crappy video of a broadcast which contains the Smurf video.

AS's strange dream.

AS sent me an email recounting a dream he had about me. Like to hear it here it goes:

"By the way, I had a dream that I was at your wedding. It was in a hotel, like QD's wedding, only it wasn't as well done: there where chairs strewn everywhere and people where standing. I was standing in the back of the room with QD, CS, and JF. When "Here Comes the Bride" started playing, you walked into the room (on cue) looking really crazy-nervous. You looked around at everybody, yelled "Jesus Christ", and ran out the other end of the room. It was pretty funny in the dream... "

It is apparent that AS sees me as having extreme commitment issues. I guess the whole lavish ceremony on an island off the coast of Italy won't happen for me.

"A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers." - Grace Hansen

Jessica Biel is apparently the sexiest woman alive.

Esquire magazine has now dubbed Jessica Biel the sexiest woman alive. Hmm. Now I like Jessica Biel. She's a hottie, but sexiest woman alive? I mean there's buy them a few drinks and pray they don't mind your beer gut sexy, but is she take over a small country and deplete their treasury to buy her a line of luxury yachts sexy? Yes you say? Okay.

I have to admire Esquire's daring to pick Jessica however. I would've thought they would go for the mildly over exposed actresses that seem to be reported in even legitimate news sources far too much i.e. Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johanson. Don't get me wrong I'm a fan of how those two look. Oh yes sir I am indeed. I might even break down and watch a Michael Bay movie all because of Scarlett. This is saying a lot considering I'd rather sit through a corporate management training video then watch Pearl Harbor again.

"You've got to love this business. You have to be able to take rejection." - Jessica Biel.

Magazine Dubs Jessica Biel Sexiest Woman

Our commander will never learn.

So our miserable excuse for leader of the free world has decided to nominate Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Conner for the supreme court bench. If Harriet receives the go ahead from Congress she'll be the first sitting supreme court justice who's never served as a judge.

I'm sensing a theme that our commander in chief has a thing for appointing inexperienced personnel. After the Mike Brown fiasco I assumed he would learn from that deadly mistake. Maybe he just thinks the constitution is not that important or maybe he's suffering from his frontal lobotomy. Okay maybe he didn't have arcane brain surgery, but it would explain a lot if he did.

I think Bush should just go all out and appoint the Reverend Al Sharpton and piss off everyone. Al could sit at the Congressional hearings and scream "no justice no peace" for every question given. Orin Hatch would then have a massive stroke while Chuck Schumer finally breaks down and admits he's a big fan of Sweet Valley High books.

"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called." - Howard Dean

Conservatives spar over Miers nomination

Cheat is officially in preproduction.

RO has decided not to shoot 'The Haunted Skull' this fall so I'm moving forward with preproduction on my script 'Cheat'. It's a dark story that's based on JD Salinger's 'Pretty Mouth and Green my Eyes'. I'm currently trying to get the cast and crew lined up.

I really need to write something a little more uplifting sometime. Not exactly Pollyana stuff, but writing stuff about human misery, betrayal, violence, etc puts me in a dark mood. If I were way cool I'd make a film tribute to Russ Meyer.

"Loving both film and carny, it was a natural for me." - Russ Meyer

Back from vacation.

Just got back from my trip on Wednesday. While the trip was pretty dull consisting of hours of driving my folks out to the middle of nowhere, i.e. Elko Nevada, I've learned some things on the journey.

1. If someone cuts you off on the freeway to where you have to slam on your brakes and pray you don't die it's best not to lean over your parent and give the offending party the one finger salute.

2. "Cowboys" like to bet on horses and if they start yelling about it while sitting next to your mom it's best not to insult them to get them to shutup.

3. Napoleon Dynamite is not really exaggerating the people of Idaho. I firmly believe Rex Kwon Do exists.

4. When you're in cattle country it's best not to insult the natives' gods such as Toby Keith, Audey Murphy, and/or Hank Williams Jr.

There are many other things I've learned on this trip; but I'll list a few highlights.

1. The Rainbow. The Rainbow is the oldest bar and restaurant in Pendleton Oregon. The place became highly recommended by the hotel clerk. She claimed it was a "hoot". That's an understatement. The place was quite the dive, filled with urban cowboys, dirty floors, obscene bumper stickers, old foul mouthed men, and very young girls who flirt with everyone. Food was great though.

2. The polar bear. Mom and dad kept talking about this big stuffed polar bear that resided in the Commercial Hotel and Casino in Elko. When we arrived I got to take in the polar bear's splendor. Yep it sure was a stuffed polar bear. Very exciting payoff for traveling hours in a small car with your parents.

All in all it was quite the trek filled with boredom, profanity, white trash, and cheap drinks.

"No one needs a vacation more than the person who just had one." - Unknown