Toronto

We approached the Canadian border guard and I handed her six passports. She asked me questions regarding the nature of our journey into her country as well as if we had any weapons. I answered as best I could and after some indifferent attitude from her she handed us back our documents and let us be on our way.

I drove from the border straight to Niagara Falls, a sight I had yet to see. Given the time constraints we could only drive by and take a look at Horseshoe Falls and it's sister falls, but it was an impressive sight to behold. I'll make it a point to go back and take in the majesty of North America's most famous waterfall.

I continued the drive up to Toronto while a bit beat. We all had been travelling from Dallas since 5 that morning, which meant I was up at 1:30 am. I had a baseball game to go to that night, so my body was going to be up for over twenty four hours. After experiencing some miserable traffic we finally made it to the hotel. I quickly changed and Ronnie and I took a cab to Roger's stadium to meet with the groom and his buddies.

I don't care for baseball, but the game was a high scoring one that provided a few thrills. The Blue Jays trounced the Yankees, and it's always nice to watch them lose. After the game the boys and I went to a bar that served some fine beer. This made me happy. I drank more than my aching body should have, but I have no regrets.

Friday was a nice touristy day in Toronto, but Saturday was the real treat as I got all dressed in my tux to be a part of my brother in-law's wedding. I got into a limo with the groom and his fellow groomsmen and we were escorted to the Our Lady of Sorrows Catholic Church.

To be continued...

A cardiac moment.

Saturday was my brother in-law's bachelor party. I informed people back home that we were going to eat at a place called The Heart Attack Grill. As promised I would report the findings.

The ten of us unloaded from the bus that was transporting us around, sans air conditioning sadly. So there we were, a bunch of sweaty, smelly guys entering the establishment, which was a sight in and of itself. We were promptly greeted by a man in a doctors smock and a waitress dressed as a naughty nurse. The hostess gave us hospital gowns to wear and we made our way to the counter.

We were served by a girl who was dressed more modestly as a medical tech. The menu is a simple one as it only offered a few items. They had a Single Bypass burger, with one slab of meat and an option to add five strips of bacon. Next was the Double Bypass burger, with two helpings of beef. This went all the way to the Quadruple Bypass burger, which had four, count em four, slices of cow. This was a vegan nightmare.

It also had steak fries as an option as well as butter fat shakes. Sadly the drink selection was limited as they only had cokes and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I hadn't had PBR in years and was planning on never consuming one ever again. The rest of the group ordered one, so I figured what the hell. It was as terrible as I remembered. At first sip I wanted to punch a hipster in the face.

I ordered a Single Bypass burger with a side of steak fries. While we awaited our dinner we noticed a large scale back behind the counter. If you could stand it and register that you weighed over 350 lbs you could eat for free. Thankfully none of us qualified.

Some in the party ordered the Double Bypass burger, but I refrained. I can eat, but that was too much even for me. The waitress handed us all our burgers and to my surprise it was far better than I expected. It was actually the best burger I've had in Texas to date. The steak fries were some of the best I've ever had. I had no room for the butter fat shake.

After consumption of said food all of us looked like we had finished a marathon. Everyone slumped in their seats and pondered how many months were taken off their lives by eating that. Still it was a fine burger and the establishment was fun. I may go back for the shake alone.

"Friends don't let friends eat bean sprouts!" - The Heart Attack Grill

Perry prays

Texas Governor Rick Perry is by all accounts a mindless, but charming politician who's indeed popular with conservatives in this state, for reasons that are obvious. He hates federal spending and claims Texas doesn't need it, except when it's hit with wildfires, or when we benefit from military bases, or guard our coast and Mexican border, or....you get the point.

Governor Perry is holding a Jesus rally in Houston soon, which he believes will help cure our nation's ills. Not that he would have more pressing matters to deal with, but really I care less how he would like people to pray.

One of the events official sponsors is interesting though. Pastor Wagner, a leading evangelical from Colorado, details an interesting story about how the holy spirit told his wife to gather their fellow Christians and burn heathen objects, such as statues of Catholic saints and the Book of Mormon. Below is a list of said idolatry as stated in his book, "Hard-Core Idolatry: Facing the Facts":

"They began mentioning the kinds of material things that might be bringing honor to the spirits of darkness; pictures, statues, Catholic saints, Books of Mormon, pictures of former lovers, pornographic material, fetishes, drugs, Ouija boards, zodiac charms, good luck symbols, crystals for healing, amulets, talismans, tarot cards, witch dolls, voodoo items, love potions, books of magic, totem poles, certain pieces of jewelry, objects of Freemasonry, horoscopes gargoyles, native art, foreign souvenirs, and what have you."

How does one burn a fetish? Where did they get the drugs? What actual evangelical Christian would even have any of these items in their home? Foreign souvenirs? I guess I need to tell the wife to burn that Bahamas fridge magnet as well as that evil totem pole.

Why is it that I have a hard time believing any of this happened?

This is the company that Rick Perry keeps. This is a man who may run for our highest office, because having only one crazy Republican in the race just isn't enough.

"There is hope for America ... and we will find it on our knees." - Rick Perry

The Response

I see London. I see France.

When one moves into suburbia they expect certain behaviors from their neighbors. As such, some things are to be assumed, whether you desire them or not. For example; we have someone on our street who I'm guessing feels morally opposed to mowing their lawn and would like their yard to resemble a rain forest. I reckon they feel grass has feelings and cutting them with a blade would ensure they never get into heaven.

My next door neighbor has a clothesline and has decided to utilize the hot Texas weather than use a dryer. Whether they really care about going green, saving on their utility bill, or preserving laundry methods from their home country is a mystery to me. I don't mind it being there as I applaud their efforts, but last night it became a nuisance.

I come home to find what seemed to be a pair of stained women's underwear lying in my back yard. It could be the husband's, but that's an image I refuse to have. Whatever force of wind blew said undergarments into my domain must be the product of Satan. My wife put on a glove and delivered the unmentionables back over their fence.

"Half the world does not know the joys of wearing cotton underwear." - Phil Gramm

Flash mobs that I want to see.

When flash mobs became all the rage many became confused as to why the concept even came to fruition. I mean seriously, who was it that thought showing up at a public place and leading dozens in a choreographed dance would be such a big hit?

Many are entertained with spontaneous street performance, so I guess it's of little surprise that the intertubes are flooded with video evidence of flash mobs. What I'm shocked by is why we haven't seen more politically motivated dancers. I mean how cool would it be to get a group together to suddenly break into song and strut about to "It's Raining Men" at a Tea Party event? Should these motivated attention seekers entertain the masses at a Democratic primary with line dancing to Toby Keith? I, for one, would love to see a bunch of African Americans step in time to "Yankee Doodle Dandy" at a Confederacy celebration.

I guess we could take it a step further and ask a bunch of midg...err...short people to dress as Oompa Loompas and spontaneously dance to a tune reminding children of how not to turn into a giant blueberry. That would be awesome.

My life's goal will be to have a bunch of Indians (dot, not feather) do a Benny Lava flash mob in my neighborhood. I could die afterwards a happy man.

I better stop...

"Actors fall into this trap if they missed being loved for who they really were and not for what they could do - sing, dance, joke about - then they take that as love." - Gene Wilder

It's all about state's rights!

I've written numerous times about my feelings concerning state funds being used to honor the Confederacy, but apparently the issue is being brought up again in my new home state of Texas. The Texas division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans has designed a license plate that displays the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia, or as some will recall, the Confederate Naval Jack. Their purpose is to honor those in the Lone Star State who fought against the Union in the Civil War, aka War Between the States. Why they didn't choose the Confederate National Flag is a mystery to me as it would make more logical sense, but admittedly the former is more recognizable. Not surprisingly controversy has ensued.

When I emailed the Texas Sons of Confederate Veterans and asked if Texan troops actually used the Stars and Bars in battle I didn't get a response. I imagine the answer is yes, but I can find nothing to support that so far. It may be of little matter.

America is interesting in the fact that it's the only nation I can think of that honors those who have committed treason, fought against the then current government, lost, and are suddenly revered as heroes. This is why I don't really see this license plate as an issue of race, although I understand why some would. What other country gives so much praise to a people who rebelled and threw their respective nation into their bloodiest conflict? I somewhat get the lost cause mentality as we don't want to think of our forefathers as dying for something as simple as state's rights to own and distribute slaves and the US always loves an underdog, but we must face the facts. The Confederacy seceded because of human bondage at their own admission, from their secession letters to Congress, statements made by most of their governors, and even their Vice President confirmed this during and after the war. While the Dixiecrats made it popular to romanticize the south and give the image that the antebellum lifestyle was exactly like Gone With the Wind, history does paint a different picture than pop culture. I would like to think that the average Confederate soldier may have fought for noble reasons of their own, but that can be said of any army.

Given that if someone wants to wave the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia I don't really care. It's their right to fly any flag at their own expense, but to use tax payer funds to display a symbol that was used in battle to fight against the people defending the Constitution and preserving the Union, well I still can't wrap my head around it. I consider myself a Civil War buff as I agree with Shelby Foote that if someone really wants to understand the character of this country there's no better period in history to study. Still in all my amateur efforts I don't exactly get the lost cause mentality, or maybe I understand it better than I realize.

"I hope the day will never come that my grandsons will be ashamed to own that I was a Confederate Soldier." - Private A. Y. Handy, 32nd Texas Cavalry, C.S.A

Texas Officials Consider Confederate Flag License Plate

Thursday Music

The first trailer for the remake of 'Footloose' has been unleashed on the public and many of my generation are crying fowl. With the furious passion of Star Wars fans many are claiming that their childhood has been robbed and somehow feel this new movie will take away their enjoyment of the previous one. It's not like anyone's holding a gun to their head to see this one, but I'm sure curiosity will get the better of most.

I never did see the remake of "The Karate Kid", because I thought it looked stupid, especially given the fact that karate was never used in the plot. I have fond memories of the first one, but will admit it's not exactly high brow cinema. I casted my vote against the modern retelling by simply not buying a ticket for it. Imagine that.

The original "Footloose" is not a good movie. There I said it. In fact, it's pretty stupid. From the cheesy soundtrack to the almost cartoonish portrayal of small town America, the Kevin Bacon vehicle is a forgettable film for most. And while I understand people wanting to keep childhood memories as they once were, to bitch about this unnecessary remake is pointless. Actually, if they remade "Rad" I'd go see it, but as I'm guessing as with the new "Footloose" it'll do little but remind me of how incredibly flawed the original is.

Granted I do have some fond memories of watching "Footloose", but it's not because of the film itself. Most bad movies of yesteryear have a tendency to make us recall the good points of our past as well as help us forget the lower ones.

So today I bring you one of the cheesiest montage sequences in cinema history:

"Any idiot can get laid when they're famous. That's easy. It's getting laid when you're not famous that takes some talent." - Kevin Bacon

In defense of Canucks

I've visited Vancouver many times in my youth and have always considered it a beautiful and diverse city. In my times clubbing, concert going, shopping, eating, drinking heavily, or just wandering aimlessly I enjoyed being a tourist in a place that offered so much. My friends and I always thought highly of the largest city in British Columbia.

Given the nonsense associated with the riots, many across Canada and the US have formed an unfavorable opinion about Vancouver. While understandable given that they had unrest back in 94 as well, I fail to see how the actions of those few should be a reflection on the entire population. Granted the media only chooses the most sensationalized aspects of the story, which of course the populous wants to hear, but I hate the fact that a few stupid teenagers, who may or may not live in the area, are somehow the standard for judging the community.

I can't speak to how well or poorly the city handled the situation as I wasn't there, but from what I've read the cops and emergency response teams showed the utmost professionalism.

I've seen other media outlets rage against the mainstream as they psychoanalyze riot mentality and attempt to educate us in things we already know, which is pretentious as all hell. We're smart people. We know the ingredients for spoiled people engaging in civil unrest and therefore don't need anyone to remind us why this happened.

What I don't read about is people who have visited Vancouver and can attest to how wonderful the city and it's citizenry can be. Again, as someone who once frequented the area I feel the recent riot in no way changes my opinion on it. In fact, the way the populous has responded to cleaning up the mess has proven to me that many good people reside there.

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase." - Scott Thompson

Wiwille plugs.

My friend Ryon is an avid film buff and starving director. He's made various films, the first of which I starred in, but lately he's stepping up his game and making a project that I think will speak to many, a documentary about dating in Seattle.

Ryon has recently released a trailer for it and it does showcase his talent at being a crew of one. While he abandoned fiction for the sake of a documenting the tales of the love lorn in the Northwest we see his talents shine in this preview. Your author here actually had a small part in the production as I wrote a few of the interview questions for the singles. As I was the first time he asked me to be a part of his freshman effort I can honestly say I'm very proud to be even a tiny part of making his vision a reality.

He's also soliciting funds to continue in post-production, so if you're interested in having your name attached to this documentary, visit his website here.

"So far it’s been pretty much me running the show and I've made the commitment to do it this way because I am also Single in Seattle, though I would rather not be. It has been a challenge." - Ryon Ownbey

Thursday Music on a Friday

For reasons unbeknownst to me, whenever I hear Irish music I want to punch a German in the face. I have nothing against the humorless bastards that are from Deutschland. I've been to their country and enjoyed myself immensely. You would think the music of the Celts would steer my wrath towards the Italians, or even the British, but no.

Actually the music makes me want to drink. Not that I need an excuse to crave a tall pint of stout, but whenever I hear the bow hitting the violin at a rapid pace I want to raise a glass of craft beer and stomp my feet in manners that are very immature. Perhaps my heritage does hail from the small island after all. It would explain my love for beer and whiskey, not that all Irish are a bunch of drunks who smell like farm animals....stop laughing.

Today I need a beer, or six, so today dear readers I will share some Irish-centric music from a band heralding from my new home state:

"I'm Irish. I think about death all the time." - Jack Nicholson

With pride I read.

After Friday's sonogram I was naturally excited about the results as everything appeared normal and only one fetus was present. After I drove home from work I had the idea to stop by Half Price Books to get some reading material for our yet to be birthed child. Like a light shining down from heaven I saw a section set aside for Little Golden Books.

I'm sure many remember the Little Golden Books and all their wonderment. My sister and I were big fans in our youth and read them over and over again. I browse through the titles and find the Holy Grail; Sesame Street's 'The Monster at the End of This Book'.

For those unfamiliar, 'The Monster at the End of This Book' is a simple tale with only one character in the entire story, Grover. Grover tells the reader that there is indeed a monster at the end of the book and pleads with the reader to not turn the page for fear that some unsightly creature may be released and wreak havoc on him and humanity. The reader of course turns the page, as they are want to do, and the Sesame Street character throws tantrums and starts using creative ways to keep someone from flipping through the book.

I won't give away the ending, because I know all of you are very excited to find out for yourself what happens.

This book being a favorite of mine made me feel like Indiana Jones when I came across it. I dreamt of all the times I would read it to my child and in my head I mocked the voice of Grover. My baby would be subject to high brow literature as only their Dad would provide.

Oh man it's starting. I'm becoming a father....

"I really learned the power of the tube on Sesame Street and how it can influence a very young mind." - Ruth Buzzi

Community

Living in suburbia for even such a short time has been eye opening. Our community has their own forum website where home owners can and do post on a variety of topics ranging from business reviews, soliciting advice on home repairs, crime statistics, etc. Some are interesting and can often be useful, others are just posts about needless things to bitch about.

I often browse the forums to find topics that relate to me and find the chatter to be amusing. Sadly most of it is a bitch fest about activities of their neighbors. A few use the forums to whine about people parking in the street, garbage cans that aren't moved into the garage, and even claim that basketball hoops are an equal eyesore. While this doesn't seem surprising the amount of passion that stems from these often creative posts is stunning.

Now some have legit concerns, but mainly they think cars are just an eyesore. Yes, vehicles parked on the street are considered not only unpleasing to the eye, but some go so far as being a safety hazard to children as drivers can't see them dart from behind a car into the street. Never mind that parents shouldn't let their crotch fruit do these things, but I feel like I'm living amongst a bunch of 30 somethings going on 70.

Now I want a clean and prosperous place to live and that's why my wife and I chose this community, but I'm afraid I'm going to turn into even a grumpier version of my father if I stay in the suburbs. Soon I'll be yelling at skaters, god help me.

"Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime, but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium." - Cyril Connolly

Robble robble

I awake from my slumber last night to my wife tapping me on the arm.

"Honey," she said with a hint of panic in her voice. "The alarm's going off. Someone is in the HOUSE!"

Actually the alarm system was counting down as if someone entered the home, so no sirens or such were blaring. I crawled out of bed at some unholy hour and disabled it.

Then came the issue of searching my home for a possible intruder. Being the man of the house it's my duty to walk around and find any sign of a burglar. See a man's real use are one of five things; vehicle maitenance, lawn care, extermination of bugs, taking out the garbage, and investigation of any sounds that startle people in the middle of the night. I exited the bedroom and nervously looked in the living room. There was no sign of any one there and the back door was locked an in position. I walked to the front of the house and and find that the poorly latched door was jarred open by the wind. Crisis averted.

What if it had been an intruder? I'd like to think I'd kick the ass of anyone entering my home with illicit intent, but my ninja skills would do little against someone carrying a weapon. I was kind of hoping I'd see someone wearing a white and black horizontal striped shirt and a zorro mask, but I consider the fact that no one was present to be a blessing.

I make a poor Texan as I don't own an automatic weapon specifically designed for those attempting to do me and my family harm. Although swinging a katanna would be cool....

"Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?" - Bill Maher

The dream

I opened the door and was immediately greeted by two scantily clad waitresses who subsided on a steady diet of ice, crackers, and jolly ranchers for dessert. With backs arched and glitter covering almost every pore they welcomed me to the establishment. I quickly scanned the joint wondering if I were to catch a glimpse of my party. There were a few bikers, but mostly it was filled with twenty-thirty something middle class gents swilling cheap beer that isn't fit for man nor beast. Some are there having guy time, making guy small talk, and ordering guy food. Some had a token female at their table, but I couldn't help but think they were in tow if only to make a vain attempt at looking cool.

The waitresses might as well have tossed aside what little clothing they had on and just served the drooling masses naked. As I joined my party we were greeted by a tall girl that had the name 'Stretch' scribed on her name tag. Why it was there is anyone's guess. She could've written "I have sodomized the Pope" and few would have noticed. She was gangley with boobs that rival those of an eleven year old and little was going on behind those eyes. She complained to us that there was a table full of foreigners near us and she couldn't decipher their accents, so in Mickey Rooney fashion Stretch imitated their grasp on the English language. She seemed very upset that they "didn't speak American."

I pondered the masculine ideal of the American dream being present at this restaurant. Men flirting and being given attention by skinny women with ugly tattoos and daddy issues is hardly a new concept, but what would Hunter do? Do I embrace my fellow males who hold on to the shallow hope that one of these girls would actually talk to them outside of this place? It was like I was surrounded with Glenn Beck fans and each server was Sarah Palin. It was time to drink amongst the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia and the smell of light beer. Drink I did.

"Feminine virtue is nothing but a convenient masculine invention." - Ninon de Lenclos

Mullets need love.

Abortion is such a bizarre issue in the fact that in our politically correct world men are to have no opinions on the matter nor should wield any kind of legislative power over the matter, unless of course that man is pro-choice. Still as much as I don't agree with a lot of the pro-lifers, I understand their reasoning, flimsy as their arguments may be. Because of the high emotions surrounding the practice there doesn't seem to be much reasoned debate, which is sad.

Pro-lifers have always stereotypically been painted as the extremists for reasons that are obvious. I've never heard of a pro-choicer blowing up a church or killing a priest. Somehow those who are against abortion try to always up their ante to get attention to the issue in ways that can be disgusting.

Take for example a man in New Mexico who put up the billboard pictured above. Apparently he was none too pleased when he found out his pregnant girlfriend terminated the fetus and he aired his grievance to commuters to make a personal as well as political point. He of course is being sued by his ex.

I think the ex's case is a flimsy one as he has not named her in the billboard and does have a right to free speech, despicable as it may be. I think she should be more ashamed that she actually had sex with the mulleted anime fan, but who am I to judge? This guy is a douche though and hopefully this will keep any future women from ever dropping their slacks for him.

Is it fair to give fathers a stake in the outcome of a pregnancy? If a woman gets pregnant and the father doesn't want to be one, should he just man up and pay the child support while keeping his mouth shut, or is it ok for him to request other options? I understand that this is the body of the woman, but many livelihoods are at stake in the case of children. It keeps me torn sadly.

"As distasteful and offensive as the sign may be to some, for over 200 years in this country the First Amendment protects distasteful and offensive speech." - Todd Holmes

Jilted ex-boyfriend puts up abortion billboard

You're not hot.

Often times I hear stories from single ladies that are frustrated they get hit on by creepy older dudes who dress as if fashion stopped in 1988. I used to wonder about these guys, thinking they may have just been desperate and/or clueless about their appeal. Turns out they suffer from a real disorder called Hotness Delusion Syndrome.

Apparently there are far more single women than single men over the age of forty. Consequently these males are likely to be pursued to a greater degree, giving them the delusion that they're actually more attractive than they actually are. So if they're being told their hair plugs and gold chains are appealing they'll continue to flaunt them. Obviously men are going to up the ante and try for younger women when the cougars give them attention they in no way deserve. Sure they'll get shot down, or they may not.

Funny enough the only seemingly cure for this disorder is marriage. I can't make this stuff up.

"He can be balding and paunchy, but this is not what he sees in the mirror. He sees nothing less than trim, taut and, so he is told, terrific." - Bernard Salt

Middle-aged men have 'hotness delusion syndrome'

Americana

My Memorial Day weekend was pure American. Sure I had those private reflections on those who have fallen in service of our country, but as we all know most in the US use the time for personal leisure and other selfish wants.

Kelly and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, which was an exciting moment indeed. It brought a bit more of the reality that we'll be parents sooner than we know it.

I bbq'd some pork chops on Friday, which were smothered in marinated goodness. It turned out to be quite a success. Yesterday I attended a bbq with the in-laws. Red meat was consumed and beer floated to my belly and we even purchased lemonade from a child's drink stand. It twas a good day, except for the excitement earlier.

I was sitting at home watching television when I hear my named being shouted. I run to the garage to see my wife on the other side of the vehicle in panic mode. She told me to keep the dogs out of the garage, which I thought was weird. She then pointed out a spider the size of which I've never seen on the floor of the driver's side of her car. I put on shoes to dispose of it, but she had me take the bug spray and hose it. I squirted the toxic fluid all over it, but to little effect as it crawled in it's creepy way. Finally I squashed the thing with my foot and heard the spider's guts crunch. Satisfied that it met it's demise I kicked it out of the building knowing we were safe from the wrath of the eight legged beast.

I hate spiders for reasons I can't explain, so every time I do battle with them I feel like Samwise Gamgee. My wife fears anything with more than four legs and extermination falls upon me. I know those things can't put up much of a fight, but still I feel like a superhero when I kill one.

"A pretty little collection of weaknesses and a terror of spiders are our indispensable stock-in-trade with the men." - Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Thursday Music

Once upon a gallant time the television audience was graced with a low brow cartoon entitled Beavis and Butthead. Many panned the show as being juvenile tripe, and to some degree it was a valid point, but they missed what made this comedy so endearing to many. Humor at it's core is subversive and pop culture at the time was ripe for the pickings. The cartoon pointed out at how silly and without artistic merit music was and for the fans we were all grateful.

Sadly the show lost wind and MTV viewers grew tired of seeing videos being picked apart. While we all saw the show's ending coming what we didn't expect is that no one made a real attempt to produce something that really makes a statement at how stupid pop culture is without being preachy. Beavis and Butthead was the rare exception in media critique that could generate a laugh without leaving the audience feeling they were being talked down to. Sure it poked fun at MTV's audience oddly enough, but I loved that fact and I wish someone would do it again.

So today I bring you what I think is the briefest critique the dim witted duo ever made:

"They say it figures MTV would do such a vulgar, awful, horrible show and they completely miss that it's satirizing the people who watch MTV." - Mike Judge

It's a twister!

As a lot of you are aware tornado season is in full swing. Sadly the storms have taken many lives and left a wake of devastation in the midwest. Last night I came to the sudden realization that north Texas is not immune to such things.

Regular programming was cancelled as weather people were discussing the outbreaks of heavy storms in our area. Winds picked up and lightning lit up the sky while thunder echoed throughout the metroplex. Sirens blared for a moment and we were warned to get into shelter. The wife and I gathered the dogs and we hid in our bedroom closet.

I had a lazy attitude about the whole affair as I'm unfamiliar with tornados. I've heard warnings about them before and nothing happened, plus the weatherman never listed our immediate area as being one prone to being caught up, so I just relaxed until there was something I felt I should be nervous about.

Finally the warnings stopped and the wife went to bed. I stayed up to see if there were going to be anymore panic inducing reports. The storms got louder and the rain came down as if it were coming out of a fire hose. I used to live in the Northwest and I'm very familiar with rain, but I've never seen precipitation like what we get here in Texas. That's saying a lot.

Our home was safe from a natural disaster thankfully and there were no reports of any Miss Gulch sightings.

"There is more good writing and good acting in any ten minutes of Twister than in, say, all of Citizen Kane." - Orson Scott Card

To catch...

Last night I was waiting out a thunderstorm and keeping one ear glued to the news in case of a tornado warning. After the storm passed I flipped to MSNBC, who's programming is getting all kinds of tired. They were showing 'To Catch a Predator' with Chris Hansen, and I felt it was 2003 all over again.

We all know the premise behind the show. Pervert chats with what they think is a teen, show up at the house, Hanson pops out and asks them to have a seat over there, after confusing stories are told the men are arrested.

I'm of the mindset that sexual offender databases are useless and unnecessary. While no one can condone the horrible crimes these folks inflicted on their victims, they spent their time paying their dues. To assume they'll reoffend is just that, an assumption. How these registries keep anyone safe is a mystery to me and I just assume our citizens not have a scarlet letter. Stranger danger is really overrated as most people will be harmed by someone they know.

That being said now that I'm a parent-elect I looked up the sex offender registry in my area. There were no one in my immediate area that have a criminal record and I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm not sure why as I'll be attempting to protect my kids regardless if there's one around or not. Still for a second it gave me the illusion of security and I thought to myself I'm on to those threats, real or imagined.

My god I'm becoming a parent.

“The challenge for us is also to make it journalistically solid.” - Chris Hansen

Peace

Obama made a speech yesterday regarding Israeli policy and asked both sides of the equation to resume talks regarding a possible peace process. He went into some detail asking the nation to roll back it's borders to the pre-Six Day War and kindly advised Hamas to quit being all Hamas-like.

Liberals gave a sense of glee saying this was a very brave move. Why I don't know. It's along the same policy of all Presidents since Nixon. It's the same rhetoric we've heard during Clinton's Camp David talks, which worked out swimmingly if you'll remember.

Conservatives are upset that Obama dare criticize the chosen people. Romney and Gingrich find using strongly worded phrases towards our ally in the Mideast hurtful to their poor little feelings. Since their favorite Christ killers are at the focal point of Armageddon, they'll back them and the 144,000 that will make it up in the rapture so the Lord can make it back to Earth.

I really don't get the idea that peace is even possible in that region, so a process for the Palestinians and Israel is laughable to me, sadly. I wish I shared in the optimism so many do for a stable middle east, but I don't see either side interested. I don't paint Israel as the only enemy in this as to do so would be naive. The problem really is that no one has a convincing argument that both sides really want peace in the end. If someone can change my mind I'm all ears.

The President made the speech he had to make and it's all a bunch of lip service. It was well written and orated, but it did seem empty to me. Israel will never pull back their borders in fear of a rocket attack penetrating deeper into their state and will never give air rights to a Palestinian nation. Hamas, Hezzbollah, and others will not recognize the nation's right to exist, so here we are at the same crossroad that's been present for many decades.

"Today President Barack Obama has again indicated that his policy towards Israel is to blame Israel first," - Michele Bachmann

Romney: Obama 'threw Israel under the bus'

Lockout

As many of you are already aware, it looks like there will be no NFL season this year. NFL owners, while chomping on their cigars hand rolled by Honduran toddlers, decided not to bow to the socialist whims of the players, who's biggest worry is making their Escalade payments.

While the fans watch a bunch of spoiled prima donnas battle it out with the forces of old and evil we now have to find a new way to pass our time come fall. Fantasy Football will no longer be in effect for obvious reasons and I'm saddned that the Nashville Tax Burdens will not suck away my Sundays. Perhaps I can get a hobby, read a novel, or just take in another sport.

Watching the CFL while being a resident of Texas is not something that is looked well upon around these parts. I might as well head a conference of Marxist guerillas fighters, or NAMBLA. College football does have it's merits, but doesn't offer the level of play only the NFL can bring. I can watch high school football, which is always a good time, but that still leaves Sunday and Monday nights with an empty feeling. At least we won't have to sit through another awful Super Bowl halftime show like last year.

Thankfully the UFC is year round, but I found another sport that has piqued my interest. Only the Japanese can muster the popularity of this event, which is something I not only want to watch, but to play as well:

"The NFL, like life, is full of idiots." - Randy Cross.

Questions.

It's hard to write about Glenn Beck anymore as really no one takes him seriously anymore. Those few that do are really on the fringe and could be considered dangerous, if only to themselves. Still the intellectual midget amuses me to some degree, but sometimes he takes a surprising turn in his comedy and makes me wonder what goes on in the brain of the Tea Party mascot.

Recently he decided to take a shot at Meghan McCain for reasons that are unclear. The Senator's daughter posed seemingly naked, along with a bunch of stars you've forgotten exist, for a PSA concerning skin cancer. While her lady stuff was indeed covered, Beck found the idea of a naked McCain to be horrific. Instead of just voicing his displeasure at the thought of Meghan nude, he pretended to vomit on air for a full ten minutes, because people wouldn't have gotten the joke after, say sixty seconds.

Meghan responded to Beck's segment about her body in a fashion you would expect, but there was one line in her open letter I thought was rather funny:

"As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women."

It was a good line, but I thought she could've crafted the entire letter with more skill. Let's try and take it from a man's point of view.

Mr Beck,

I understand you have no interest in seeing the woman pictured below without any clothes on. You actually believe seeing her naked would result in you losing your lunch and as such you want her to put on a burqa. This leads me to ponder that you're a raging homosexual who has a fetish for Polynesian teenage boys who sport bad goatees. Now I'm not saying you are one, but since you seem upset by the idea of a pretty woman scantily clad I have to bow to the only logical conclusion. Now again, I'm not saying you do like to have weekend getaways to Guam while you hold up in a hotel with men half your age, but I'm just asking questions. Prove to the public you don't masturbate to the volleyball scene in Top Gun this matter will be resolved. It's just that simple.

Respectfully,

Wiwille

"Put some extra clothes on. Like, lots of extra clothes...has she thought about a burqa, just to be extra safe?" - Glenn Beck

Overrated films part 30

Romantic comedies are a mixed bag for reasons that are kind of obvious. They're probably the most formulaic genre second only to horror. Basically you have boy meets girl, boy screws up, boy apologizes, girl forgives, wash, rinse, repeat.

Working Girl does take the formula and put it on it's ear, for better or for worse. Melanie Griffith stars as Tess, a spunky, ambitious secretary who wants to be a huge player in the world of big business. As her new boss is recovering from a skiing accident after stealing Tess' idea, Tess decides to steal it back and pretend she has her supervisor's job. She then meets Jack, a mogul in the industry and unbeknownst to Tess her boss' love interest, and attempts to solicit the idea. Romance ensues as well as a comedy of errors.

Sadly this romantic comedy has not one laugh. I can forgive a film for it, but it has to have a good love story to offset the failed attempts at humor, which it doesn't. Working Girl is as ambitious as the lead character in trying to give us lighthearted humor with a Cinderella story, but Pretty Woman this isn't. Melanie Griffith gives what is arguably her best performance in her entire career, but that doesn't save the lack of chemistry she has with Harrison Ford, or Alec Baldwin for that matter.

Critics praised this film largely on the back of Griffith's acting, and again it's a stellar performance, but the story failed to live up to that high standard. Perhaps if I were well versed with the world of high finance and brokering I may have had a few laughs, but I doubt it. Watching it recently just makes the film feel dated and awkward and the only chuckle I could give was for the strange hairstyles that were all the rage in the 80s. The film is well crafted as one would expect from Mike Nichols, but the script keeps this from being a memorable film.

"Blah comedy, but with nice performers." - Michael E. Grost

Manners

I like video games, but I was never the kind to play multiplayer online. It just didn't interest me in the slightest. Now that I'm miles away from my old friends I started to rethink my stance on playing games over the Internet so I can have another way of connecting
with them.

I ended up enjoying playing Call of Duty: Black Ops with my friends as we shot up other players and got ourselves killed numerous times. I was clearly not versed in multiplayer as I my skills were lacking, but I got better as time went on.

Recently I plopped in my Call of Duty: World at War disc as I'm a sucker for WWII shooters. I started to play and came across a guy who was clearly just standing in the open shooting at someone on my team. I approach him and unload my clip into him with no results. The character then jumped into the stratosphere and flew around like Superman. He then took aim at me and shot me dead.

Confused I respawned and ran around the map. I saw the guy again and shot at him with two clips which did nothing. He said "Wiwille, you're such a dumbass" and ran up to me and killed me with his knife.

I expressed my confusion and some other player told me to go report him to the Xbox Live service, which I did (suck it PSN). More players got on and displayed Superman like powers, so after filing numerous complaints I got frustrated and decided to play it no longer. It doesn't seem fair as someone who wants to have a fun, honest game can be mauled over a bunch of times by cheaters.

The other night I was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops. After a match someone sent me a voice message calling me a "little faggot". I have no idea what I did to incur his wrath or to assume I'm gay, but whatever. Last night there was some kid singing racial epithets over and over again, to which I muted and reported him.

It seems people don't like to play nice on the Internet, which is no surprise. The safety of being behind a keyboard, or in this case a controller, can make a coward seem invincible.

I've recently discovered a great blog, Why Was I Banned?, which chronicles the forums of people asking the moderators why they were kicked off Xbox Live. It's an endless source of comedy of whiny jobless virgins knowing full well they broke the rules, but somehow feel they're above them.
"I don't know; it just seemed like the cooler guys are playing Xbox. At least the ones I know." - Liz Phair

A wee Wiwille to come

After months of failed attempts my wife is finally with child. Yes the force is strong with my swimmers and soon Kelly will unleash the most awesome baby in the whole wide world out of her uterus.

We had been planning on getting pregnant since our wedding night, but sadly the task was more daunting for us than others. Some of our friends got pregnant by simply looking at a member of the opposite sex. We tried and tried by reading up on pregnancy science, which is a relatively new field, and engaging in every old wives' tale we could think of. For months I would be woken up to the depressing news that our swimmers and eggs weren't prone to meeting.

Finally after all hope seemed lost she woke my groggy self out of bed at some unholy hour announcing that the test proved positive. I was excited as well as relieved. We did it. We finally did it.

"Pregnancy is a kind of miracle. Especially so in that it proves that a man and woman can conspire to force God to create a new soul." - Robert Anton Wilson

Feelings

There seems to be a lot of chatter going about regarding what is appropriate when it comes to the death of Osama Bin Laden. A lot of the celebratory gatherings seem to offend those who don't wish death upon anyone and have made their disapproval public. There are those who would like Americans to use this moment as a time bit of quiet reflection. They'll also misquote Martin Luther King Jr while doing so oddly enough.

Who the hell gets off telling someone else how to feel? When Osama was killed I watched the streets of Washington DC and New York erupt into jubilation. While I at first felt uncomfortable with celebrating someone's death I soon realized it wasn't all about the terror mastermind being killed. These were people who felt they were at death's door for the past decade. They lost many loved ones in those horrific attacks and gained a bit of closure. After so long the country felt a bit more secure. To assume that everyone dancing in the streets or feeling any bit of happiness at Osama's demise is some fool with a bloodlust is arrogant.

I didn't lose a loved one on 9/11 thankfully, but had I did I might be inclined to feel a bit more jubilant about Osama's passing. I should make no apologies for it. I understand the feeling that it's immoral to want someone to die, but to claim that as an absolute and then wag your finger at those who feel differently than you is a bit trite. This is not the time to be holier than thou.

We'll go through this nonsense again when Fred Phelps meets his maker.

"What kind of nation and what kind of species do we want to be? Do we want to become a species that honors life? Do we want to become a species that embodies peace?" - Pamela Gerloff - Writer, education futurist, specialist in transformational change.

The Psychology of Revenge: Why We Should Stop Celebrating Osama Bin Laden's Death

Praise Allah!

As you're all abundantly aware Osama Bin Laden is no longer with us as he's spending his time amongst virgins in heaven. The terror mastermind was dealt his death card at the hands of American forces in Pakistan.

When I heard the news last night I was kind of numb. Actually I was shocked he was still alive. I felt odd having a bit of excitement at the news of someone's death, but in the case I think it's justified. He is responsible for not only the death of many Americans, but citizens the world over. Still I think a bullet was too quick a death for this miserable creature.

I was hoping US forces would've just tied him down to a cot and let his dialysis take over, but maybe that's too harsh. It's a time for America, and the world, to take a short sigh of relief. A criminal is no longer with us, and maybe the Earth became a safer place to live. Whether that's true or not will remain to be seen, but celebration is natural. Crowds gathered, the President made a terrific speech, and all shared a historic experience hoping that this event will benefit mankind.

Of course next summer we'll see a dramatized version of his demise in a blockbuster directed by Michael Bay.

"We love death. The U.S. loves life. That is the difference between us two." - Osama bin Laden

Deep in the heart of marriage.

Shocking as it may be to some, transgendered folks can get married in the state of Texas, but they have to show documentation as to which sex they surgically chosen, because we couldn't have them marry the same sex after all. Yes I could legally marry someone who was once a man, but that person couldn't marry a woman.

With me so far?

Well Texas Republicans are trying to change all that. Apparently the GOP is trying to pass a bill that only allows transgendered folks to marry someone of the opposite sex that was registered on their birth certificate. So say a man gets a sex change, then decides as a women he (she?) wants to get married. Because of this bill she could only marry a woman, which would seem like a gay marriage to any reasonable thinking adult, but to Texas conservatives it would be as God intended.

Still with me? I'm having difficulty following the logic myself.

So now that the Texas deficit is solved, the economy is full swing as middle class jobs are a dime a dozen, and no state employees fear being laid off it only makes sense that we bar transgendered people from offending the delicate sensibilities of our legislature.

"It would be terrible for Texas, now that it finally caught up with the rest of the country, to take a step back." - Shannon Minter

Texas may strip away transgender marriage rights

Suck it birthers

The billboard pictured here is on display in Dallas. It's goal is clear, to give doubt in the minds of Americans that our President was not born in this country and therefore ineligible to hold the office.

This morning that's all changed. The White House has finally released the long form birth certificate issued by the State of Hawaii, which is what birthers have been asking for these many years. It's kind of sad that he had to do this. He already released his certificate of live birth, the Governor's office has stated numerous times he was indeed born in Honolulu, and announcements in the local newspapers confirm his mom did give birth to him at a hospital in the US. None of that was good enough for birthers.

Donald Trump came into the picture with his media whoring self and proposed that this ridiculous conspiracy theory had legs. No one with a reasonable mind believed him, but four out of ten Republicans gave him credence. Media coverage of the issue increased to the frustration of those who really wanted to consume information about policy.

Suck it birthers. Suck it long and suck it hard. To any person who believed as Trump did that may be reading this, you are a stupid person. Yes you are a whore for the likes of WND and Alex Jones, who have profited greatly off your ignorance. I know this birth certificate won't be enough for you, for after all you can't accept that the majority of Americans voted in a black man, well half black at least, and you can't accept that. You're too dumb to point to a policy issue you may disagree with, because that would take actual research. Your live in a fantasy world, one where you feel you're the most informed, when in fact you play serf to the feudal forces of insanity. You'll believe anything you read and give no amount of research into things you know little about, all the while claiming to everyone that you're a media savy intellectual.

In short birthers, you're just a bunch of dumb assholes who have distracted the discourse into this kind of nonsense. Try now to take up important issues such as policy concerns, economic recovery, and the like. Sadly this will not happen as you'll be as stubborn as truthers in your ignorance, because you're a bunch of simpleton idiots. You're an enemy of the conservative movement and you've done more harm than good. No thinking Republican wants to be associated with you anymore and it's time you stop giving them a bad name.

"We do not have time for this kind of silliness." - President Obama

Obama releases long form birth document, rips 'silliness' of debate over issue