Thursday Music

What may or may not surprise you is that I listen to NPR regularly. National Public Radio, or as some fellow Texans like to call it; Commie News, has some of the best news in radio or any medium. Plus the shows are entertaining, but one feature they have which I love is their song of the day.

Of course they feature an up and coming artist who they feel you should be listening to. Some of the songs they feature are, well all of them are forgettable. Seriously they infuse some of the worst new songs featuring the most unoriginal and uninspired musicians outside of country and top 40 in the name of being edgy.

What's so entertaining about it is reading their synopsis of the songs. Music journalism is always good for a laugh as you can tell the writer is scrambling for the perfect adjective to somehow differentiate a song from others that sound largely the same. Try reading this sentence aloud without laughing:

Carried primarily by the drums, it stomps and rolls with glammy antagonism, and Tunstall gnashes through it with a candy-coated sneer.

I admire their wordmanship though for they do the seemingly impossible. To try and make modern music seem anything other than over produced, auto-tuned, insipid sounds to appeal to the masses is truly a feat. I wish I had that talent.

So today I bring you an example of what NPR feels you need to listen to. I actually kind of like it:



"As a result, the song ignites at unexpected moments like Pop Rocks dropped in cola." - Marc Hirsh

A second chance

With the exception of Pete Rose and Mike Tyson, few professional athletes have been more divisive amongst sports fans than Michael Vick. The reasons are obvious as he commit ed a heinous crime which many, especially those in the animal loving community, believe his punishment was in no way harsh enough. There are others who think he's done his time and deserves a second chance at being a decent human being.

I'm torn about the issue as I am a dog lover, but at the same time I do believe people deserve to enter back into the life they once knew after serving their sentence. Sure I think the judge was lenient on him considering the charges, but he has a right to a defense and they did a better job than the prosecution apparently. Such is how lady justice rules in our great land.

President Obama decided to get in on the action and praise the fact that Vick has been given a new life in the NFL. I'm not sure why he openly gave an opinion on the matter. Granted it was in the context of a private conversation, but we all know nothing is ever held under wraps concerning the President's communications. Still conservative talking heads are slamming Obama claiming Vick has no right to play football and even Tucker Carlson stated the Eagles' quarterback deserved the death penalty.

Given all this I find it strange that few thought it odd that Tyson, a convicted rapist, was welcomed back to boxing with open arms. Granted boxing is not as popular as football and believe it or not has a more thuggish image. Still if we are to believe that people can lead a new life after the mistakes they've made we should feel Michael Vick can give back to society. Though in my worst moments I have to admit I'd like to see him thrown in a pit of angry wild hogs.

"A Republican in my state of Arkansas feels about as out of place as Michael Vick at the West Minister dog show." - Mike Huckabee

Nostalgia

When I think back to my younger years and video games I smile at the good times that were had playing on a console or the Commodore 64. Younger generations don't understand how far games came from the days of Pong to the Kinect in such a short time frame. Back then game developers were constantly bringing new ideas to the marketplace and gamers rejoiced at that.

One of the best games of the late 90s was Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. While most games based on movies are a complete waste of time, Goldeneye was a rare exception that exceeded the expectations of everyone. A satisfying first person shooter, this was arguably one of the greatest games for that platform. The hours spent on multiplayer alone was worth the price. It wasn't complex, but it was challenging as well as fun.

So this Christmas I used one of my gift cards to purchase Goldeney 007 for the Wii. It follows the storyline of the film, but updated a bit for today's technology. It uses Daniel Craig as the star British secret agent and he even lends his voice to the game. Surprisingly the dialogue is less banal than the movie.

The game is similar to the old title we know and love, but hardly the same. Still it brought back some nostalgia to the hours I spent attempting to beat the original Goldeneye on every difficulty. The latest version is terribly simple though. Gone are the days of getting body armor and carefully moving around every corner to take down an opponent, because you're health well quickly regenerate when you hide in cover, similar to the Call of Duty games. If you die in a level you won't have to restart it, just simply re spawn at your last checkpoint. It took me just a short amount of time beating the whole game on agent and sadly I'm not sure if I unlocked anything. In the original you had two unlockable levels, but I haven't seen any here.

While the graphics are improved and the style is better what was most notably missing were the friends piled on the couch, numerous bottles of beer, and the smack talk.

"James Bond is quite serious about his drinks and clothing and cigarettes and food and all that sort of thing. There is nothing wry or amused about James Bond." - Ken Follett

A Merry Christmas...

Christmas Day the wife and I made our way to my brother in-law's place to feed his dogs while him and his fiance are out of town. The wife stopped the car a short distance from his home and noticed a guy with his car parked in the middle of the street trying to communicate with a basset hound sitting by himself in an alley.

My wife's a dog lover of the highest order and immediately exited the vehicle to attend to the dog. After a bit of conversation with the other guy they concluded the canine was lost and she agreed to attend to matters. She picked up the hound and carried him to the car and had him sit on my lap. We found a dog tag with a phone number, but sadly when we called it it appeared to be disconnected.

I tended to my brother in law's pooches and Kelly made some fliers with the words "Found Dog" and our phone number and posted them in various areas of the neighborhood. It was then apparent that we'd be taking care of the droopy dog until an owner can be found.

I was annoyed at this prospect as dogs can be high maintenance. My wife though has a huge heart and was doing the right thing, so I swallowed most of my disdain and decided it would be in everyone's best interests that we give care to the stray.

The next day my wife went to work as I took the task of making the home a nice one for Taters, the dog's name listed on his tag. He was an incredibly sweet little pooch as he cuddled and laid his head in my lap as I watched television and played video games. I quickly grew attached to the basset hound as we bonded.

Later that evening we attempted to find Taters' owner as we walked him around the neighborhood we found him in, but to no avail. It seemed as if the dog would be under our care a bit longer than once thought. I welcomed this and feared it at the same time. The wife and I are trying for a baby and the idea of a home with three dogs and a wee one was less than stellar. Still I surprised myself at how paternal I was with Taters and grew seemingly close to him in such a short time. I knew letting him go would be somewhat difficult.

After we both went home in defeat we received a call from a lady who asked if we had a basset hound. Sure enough it was the owner and she was excited that her dog was found. Apparently Taters was a recent Christmas gift from her fiance and she brought him to a sibling's home in the area and sadly misplaced him. My wife gave her directions and she made her way to our home.

Taters jumped on the couch and sat in my lap as we awaited his owner's arrival. It hit me more than I thought it would, but I was glad to see he was going to a nice home where he'll be well cared for. Maybe even one with a big grassy meadow and a babbling brook....

I'll miss the short time I had with Taters. Still the wife and him instilled in me the goodness of the Holiday season. Her love for animals ensured a family a very merry Christmas. If only all of us could follow that example.

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andy Rooney

The worst...

I hear this has been a good year in film, but I have yet to see it for myself. I've seen a lot of movies in 2010, but few that I would classify as good. This is my own fault, because I didn't rush out to see 'The Social Network' or 'Inception' and have still yet to see either. Sad really as I understand both are fine cinema. The best movie I've seen all year is 'Toy Story 3'. Granted Pixar never disappoints, but I was surprised at how compelling the last entry in this trilogy was. Another notable film was 'Easy A', one I expected wouldn't be good at all, but I ended up enjoying it immensely.

So instead of making a best and worst list this year I sadly will just point out the biggest flops and disappointments I had the displeasure of witnessing:

1. Valentine's Day - It tried to be 'Love Actually', but fell far short with awful writing and unbelievable story lines.

2. Date Night - It wasn't terrible, but with talent like this one should rightly expect more. I guess the producers thought the premise alone would get people to see this and they were right. Sadly they made little effort into making this fun. A romantic comedy that's neither romantic nor comedic, when the gag reel is more entertaining than the script you know it has problems.

3. Iron Man 2 - Not awful, but not even as enjoyable as the previous overrated film.

4. The Bounty Hunter - A silly, implausible story that lacks the charm needed in movies of this nature. Jennifer Aniston plays Jennifer Aniston. Enough said.

5. Clash of the Titans - No one expected this to be good, but what I didn't fathom is how little entertainment value this would actually have. The film it's based on is not exactly high brow, but even with such low expectations I was shocked how much I disliked it.

6. Alice in Wonderland - At times I'm a huge fan of Tim Burton, but this dreck reminded me of another one of his films I hated with almost equal contempt, 'Planet of the Apes'. While visually entertaining there's no story here. Besides a crowd pleasing genocidal Queen of Hearts there's no reason to sit through this. Truly a tale that tries to be for adults as well as children, but satisfies neither.

"It's just hard to know why Mr. Burton, who doesn't seem much interested in Alice, bothered." - Manohla Dargis

The end.

As my wife can attest my geekery knows little bounds. I confess I do have a soft spot in my heart for Star Wars and know more about Lucas' pet than anyone should. I also watch Star Trek and Lord of the Rings on occasion and engulf myself into the fantasy realm of fantastic stories of superhero movies and the like.

Of course none of my geek tendancies rival that than my love for fantasy football. Today marks the end of my season as the Nashville Tax Burdens were defeated in my Redmond league. I made the playoffs in my first ever first place win in my division, but was unseated. I shall not go to the Super Bowl this year in either league that I play in, which was fine. The season was a good one.

It makes me sad though that the NFL season is so close to ending...

"I think I've been able to fool a lot of people because I know I'm a dork. I'm a geek." - Gwen Stefani

Tis the season..

I went to church with my brother in-law and future sister in-law yesterday to a denomination called Disciples of Christ. What's interesting about the name of the church is how anyone can call themselves disciples when no one living has ever seen Jesus. Apostles seems to be a more appropriate term, but that doesn't have a certain ring to it. I guess that's why I don't run a church, well that and other reasons.

The three of us sit down and were warmly greeted by a middle aged woman who wanted us to feel welcome at the church. What was surprising about this is that the congregation was a large one, as per usual in the Dallas area, and somehow we had 'newbies' written on our foreheads. She asked us to fill out a contact information card and gave us welcome bags, which she claimed had Starbucks gift cards.

She lied, or was simply misinformed. There were free coffee in store for us. The bag contained literature, such as the Gospel according to John, and others associated with their church's doctrine, but it also contained a package of Grandma's peanut butter cookies.

Like the other churches I've visited in the area there was no traditional choir nor was there much audience participation in the singing. Like the others it had an electric band with singers that drowned out the drones of those in the pews. It was the first time I heard a guitar solo to a Christmas song in a place of worship.

My brother in-law nudged me and noted how many ugly red Christmas sweaters were apparent. He was correct as there was a sea of them donned by elderly women. It was so bad I almost felt over dressed. I'm not sure why gaudy Christmas sweaters became popular at any time by any generation, but they still reign amongst the geriatric set.

This church, unlike the others, had communion. We were given a wheel well like platter with a small cup of grape juice and a bowl with a tiny cracker. Being raised Catholic I always expect the true vino, but most denominations prefer not to serve alcohol to their parish. This is a damn shame I feel.

"You Catholics use the real vino!" - Kevin, after attending his first Mass.

I'm loving it.

My wife's friend Jackie is moving and she needed assistance in throwing out numerous items that belong to her seven year old daughter. In an attempt to make things go smoothly she asked that I take the kid to McDonald's while Jackie and my wife tackle the ever so difficult chore of cleaning out her room, which resembled Berlin circa 1945.

Kaitlyn, the child in question, buckled herself into my car and we set out on our journey to the kingdom of gluttony. I put in Quiet Riot's 'Cum on Feel the Noise'. I looked in my rear view mirror to find the child air drumming and trying to keep up with the simple lyrics.

We arrive to our destination so hungry that anything resembling food would do. I go to the counter to make an order, but browsing the menu proved more difficult than one would imagine. I got a Happy Meal for Kaitlyn and an Angus mushroom burger for myself.

The two of us sat down and I consumed the lukewarm pseudo food. Kaitlyn talked about how she loves the Star Wars cartoon, so we discussed the merits of Anakin Skywalker's crusade against the Separatists. She said she felt alone as she's one of two in her class that still believes in Santa so I informed her of the real Kris Kringle and how he's actually Elvis. She is now aware that the King faked his death in order to fulfill his lifelong goal of donning the red suit and bringing to toys to the good little boys and girls.

Her mom was not amused when she shared this revelation with her later.

Kaitlyn asked if she could play in the area designated for child amusement. I walk in there with her and she climbed around in the tubes and enjoyed her time in the slides. I sat and listened to the wails of other little tykes running around huffing and puffing. Three boys turned the area into their own pro-wrestling ring and were kicking and tackling each other as they giggled their way through their mock violence. Little girls were crying while their moms sat at their tables with a look of mild depression mixed with anxiety. One woman informed her daughter that it was time to leave the hallowed grounds of the play area, but the wee one informed her to stop it. The mom didn't take kindly to this and dragged her offspring kicking and yelling as if she was a husband being taken to a bridal shower.

Sounds of laughter and giddiness were coupled with those of extreme terror. The walls were dense and filled with the gleeful shouts of young kids and the gloom of overworked parents filled the air. Yes this is the life I want. Seriously.

"The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." -Mark Twain

Thursday Music

Christmas music is everywhere to the chagrin of a few. There's a station here in Dallas that plays nothing but Holiday songs from Thanksgiving till December 25th. It can be a pleasant listen, but after hearing Wham's 'Last Christmas' for the 47th time I find it a bit tiresome. Plus they seem to have an affinity for 'Wonderful Christmastime' which is unacceptable.

Still there is a lot of Christmas music I like, but strangely I don't hear a lot of it on the previously mentioned station, or anywhere for that matter. Stores blare Mariah Carey and the like, but nothing that really reminds me of the holiday of my childhood.

In the first grade my class put on a Nativity play and I was given the role of the Little Drummer Boy. Having no lines my task was to sit in front of the baby Jesus and bang a drum while the rest of the kids sang the infamous tune. I was quite the method actor as I practised my percussion for weeks. My folks decided against giving me the drum set I wanted, which was probably wise of them.

At the risk of having Mattbear, who doesn't blog enough by the way, breaking out his in depth knowledge of Kung-Fu on me, I'll post one of my favorite Christmas tunes from one of the oddest duets ever:

"Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white."' - Bing Crosby

Changes

Everyone told me that marriage would change me, but how could it? I mean why should it morph the awesomeness that is me? I'm Wiwille and I shall not stray from being the coolest.

Yesterday I receive a text from a friend announcing the news of Ryan Reynolds splitting from his wife, Scarlett Johannson. I replied stating that she missed her chance as I'm already married.

What the hell? Had I been single I'd jump up and do a happy dance under the delusion that I may have a shot at wooing the wonder that is Scarlett, but instead I sat in my cubicle shrugging off the news as it would never apply to me. My obsession in all things Johannson wore off. How did this happen?

Yes marriage has indeed changed Wiwille, for the better I may add. Sure I do list her as #1 on our celebrity affair that we're both allotted, but I no longer crave her as I once did. I may have written numerous posts about her as an excuse to post awesome pictures as the one you see above, but that has seemed to wane. Forsaking all others was the vow after all.

Does this mean I have to turn in my man card? And who shall I relinquish it to?

"One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy." - Scarlett Johansson

The Econolodge is wild.

While my folks were in town the wife and I decided to take them to breakfast at the chain restaurant that truly embodies southern cuisine and shopping, Cracker Barrel. I love their food with their grits and butter and all things that would send someone into a diabetic coma. Plus their store is amusing with all sorts of odd non-perishable foods and candies. Never to be outdone they have religious literature and feel good music to charm their clientele.

We pulled into the facade of good living to see an interesting site, a Girls Gone Wild bus sitting in the parking lot of an Econolodge. Yes the glorious company made famous by the country's biggest douche apparently stops regularly in Dallas hoping to exploit intoxicated women who have serious daddy issues. I'm guessing DFW has loads of women willing to be filmed in compromising situations.

I took a picture of the bus, which had pictures of scantily clad women, but later I had the awkward conversation with my mostly conservative folks what Girls Gone Wild is and why I'm aware of it's existence. I told them I've never seen a video and I'm only aware of them through late night advertising. I don't think they bought it, but I swear it's true.

I'm guessing Joe Francis has no interest in seeing me lift up my shirt on camera.

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree." - W. C. Fields

Christmas in Texas

My parents were in town this weekend for their first visit to Dallas. The wife and I were scrambling to find things to do as we wanted them to experience Texas culture. We took them to my mother in-law's church yesterday. While it wasn't as large as Six Flags Over Jesus the place of worship was bigger than what they were used to. The music was loud, the pastor used drawings in his sermon, and there was a short, but clever skit to dramatize the nativity. They even allowed people to bring in coffee to keep them from nodding off which was kind of cool.

Afterwards we went to lunch at a barbecue place called Hard Eight. It was a rustic looking place where one could find all kinds of meats cooked on a large smoker of sorts. The food was excellent and the atmosphere was what one would expect from a Texan eatery, but they had something that really caught my eye. Their holiday decor included Christmas lights made out of shotgun shells.

Yes you read that right. I love Texas.

"You may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas." - Davy Crockett

Thursday Music

Christmas music is something most of the public love or hate. I find it a mixed bag, as some of the old tunes I love, but of things produced for the holiday season end up being corny or uninspired at best.

Last night I turned on the television and saw in the cable listings that 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' was on. I chose it on the remote, but sadly they deceived me as it was some computer animated short featuring the voice of Betty White as Mrs Claus. I was a sad Wiwille as my intended viewing is one of my favorite Christmas cartoons of all time. It ranks right up there with the Grinch and Rudolph.

What I didn't learn until recently is that the theme for Linus and Lucy first debuted on 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'. I'm not sure what I find about that tune so appealing. Maybe it's nostalgia, but hearing it always makes me smile. So today dear readers I bring you a little ditty that may make you hearken back to your youth:

"Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use." - Charles M. Schulz

For shame...

Dear Dr. Robert Jeffress,

I remember Christmas as a good time in my youth. My parents taught me the wonder of the season and it was always a fun time of opening presents and sharing our faith amongst ourselves. We attended midnight mass, as many do in the Catholic faith, and enjoyed a gift exchange. Great food was consumed, many fond memories were made, and I learned the values taught by our church.

Today things have changed. Many in the Christian community have this persecution complex where if they don't see others celebrating the holidays in the exact fashion they're accustomed to they cry foul at their fellow citizens. Somehow this has become the new cross to bear for those on the right and it's something I'll never understand.

As a lad I got many gifts from my parents, but they constantly warned me about the over commercialization of the holiday overshadowing the religious and charitable aspect. Charles Schultz reminded youngsters the country over through his timeless cartoon about the dangers of retailers exploiting faith in order to sell a shoddy product. Many others taught their children the same values and should I have wee ones I shall carry on the tradition.

You sir seem to want to destroy those values with your new public shaming of private businesses who don't show Christmas displays. With your website you've decided to call upon the masses to out anyone who doesn't display a tree in their lobby or use the term 'Happy Holidays' in the Dallas/Ft Worth area. You even want others to boycott said places of retail. Are you against Hanukkah signs as well? Do you really want your flock to bring shame to the chosen people?

I find it refreshing when corporations don't use my faith, or lack thereof, to get me to be a more avid consumer, but you strangely want Christmas to be more commercialized. If you opened your history books, at least not the revisionist one you seem to subscribe to, you'd know that most of our holiday traditions have little to do with the birth of Christ, or Christianity as a whole for that matter. One of the nations founding Christians, the Puritans, were against any kind of celebration what so ever. Then again I doubt little things like facts matter at all to you.

You haven't shamed anyone in this campaign but yourself and your followers. You seem insecure in your faith if you ask private businesses to express traditions that are loosely tied, if at all, with the birth of Jesus. Texans already have an image problem with much of the nation referring to them as simpleton idiots. You sir have made it more difficult for a citizen of the state to express their faith in the manner they deem fit. I would hope you and your congregation would be more charitable this Christmas instead of ridiculing those who don't share your views, but that appears to be asking too much of you.

Although I'm tempted to just simply call you an ignorant ass clown I shall try to be more like the Lord and Savior and wish you and your family a safe and Merry Christmas.

Sincerely,
Wiwille

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

Let he without sin...

Today the Texas Supreme Court is hearing arguments concerning if the process of the death penalty violates the constitution. Given that it's in such a largely Republican state this is unusual, but it may not have the effect some may be looking for. It probably will not abolish the practice, but it may change the process to help eliminate the possibility of putting an innocent person to death, if that's even probable.

I'm against the death penalty, which puts me in the minority considering I reside in a state that seems to revel in it. Texas has given the ultimate solution to the most people, and has exonerated the least. The republic has even given a mentally disabled person the right to a last meal.

While I don't believe it's moral to kill a person against their will, I do understand the thought. If I were face to face with Bin Laden and happen to be holding a firearm I'd at least consider it. Still I hope that citizens of Texas review the facts about the death penalty before they let their emotions dictate how justice should be served and seriously meditate on why we allow a culture of death in our judiciary.

"For centuries the death penalty, often accompanied by barbarous refinements, has been trying to hold crime in check; yet crime persists. Why? Because the instincts that are warring in man are not, as the law claims, constant forces in a state of equilibrium." - Albert Camus

Texas judge to review death-penalty law in hearing

Six Flags Over Jesus

My future sister in-law gave me a call early Sunday and asked if I would like to attend church with her and her intended. They are scoping out places of worship and figured they'd give Prestonwood a try. It's a Baptist congregation that houses a large complex including a private school, a large sports stadium, and covers an area that one may assume rivals that of Vatican City. We call it Six Flags Over Jesus.

I go intent on it being blog fodder if nothing else and it didn't disappoint. The parking lot was packed in the mega church and we made our way into the hallowed grounds of Baptist worship. There was an enormous cafeteria there, a coffee stand that proudly served Starbucks blends, book stores, ticket booth for concert events, and even a children's play area that had a pictorial of Moses parting the waters where kids can sit on a big fish and roam about at the bottom of the Red Sea.

The three of us order coffee and give ourselves a tour of the tax exempt behemoth. The architecture reminded me of an airport where we were about to board the 747 to the heavenly kingdom. Many lilly white folks walked about with the good book in hand ready to hear the message of the day. They wouldn't let us bring our Starbucks into the worship hall, so we caffeinated ourselves as much as possible then got a seat in the upper section.

Many of you are familiar with televangelists and this church was much like one you'd see on TV, sans the homosexual scandals. They had big screens for those in the nosebleeds, high production values, a full orchestra and choir, and even someone signing the narrative for the hearing impaired. This was less of a church service and more like a concert. Songs were sang for a bit, pleas for charity were made, and finally the pastor took to the podium to deliver a simple, but effective sermon on witnessing for the Holy Spirit.

At the end of the preaching the pastor reminded his flock that the Good Lord took time out from saving souls to assist in their school's win over some dominant team in football. He put on a hat that showed his pride in their divine victory and asked that we all applaud those that were part of this miracle. The television show 'Friday Night Lights' is not fiction, it's a documentary. I felt like I was living in the script.

Afterwards we made our way out of the parking lot and saw a SUV with "Jesus is my homie" written on the side. I was unaware that the Lord and Savior was down with American teenage slang, but as I've been told all things are possible through Christ.

"I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough." - Kinky Friedman

Thursday Music

Yesterday I was part of an email thread between my wife, my brother-in law, and his fiance. Russ was notably absent for the most of the communications, which was just as well. It was concerning our plans for New Years Eve. Below is an excerpt:

Kristy: Maybe they will have a concert at Billy Bob's. Show Erik how to "BootScoot" :-)
Me: You may be shocked to know that I actually do know how to Boot Scoot. There may or may not be video of the sad event.
Kelly: Honey, I love you! I danced with you @ Ernie's . Sadly, there is not evidence of this Boot Scooting. We need to practice more. ;)
Me: I think we may have different interpretations of this Boot Scoot. I'm talking about the white trash fad of the early nineties where congenial folk stood in a line and followed along with everyone else to the twangy talents of Brooks & Dunn.
Kelly: That is called line dancing. Boot Scooting is more like 2 stepping or 3 Stepping. :)
Kristy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: So if one does the Boot Scoot Boogie it's called line dancing, but if one 2 or 3 steps to whatever song of their choosing it's boot scooting.... I'm a very confused individual who is Texas retarded. I think this state should require it's own cultural literacy program before they give you your driver's license.

I think a little background is in order regarding my incorrect interpretation of this boot scooting all the kids are talking about. Years ago I finally convinced a girl that going on a date with me was actually a good idea. She invited me to join her friends to do some line dancing.

Ye gods it took all I had to not hang up the phone and light it on fire, but a gentleman was I so I thought I'd buck up and try it. I concluded it might be fun.

There was no second date.

So today dear readers I bring you the song that I learned how to line dance to. It never was a good tune and time has not been it's friend:

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'." - Bob Newhart

Birther smack down

A few weeks ago I felt compelled to write my state Representatives for the first time as a Texan. It was because of Leo Berman, a Republican representing Tyler, is introducing a bill before the state legislature requiring the Secretary of State to review all documents of citizenship before someone can be placed on the state ballot to run for President. I asked the folks representing the district I live in to kindly vote this down should it come to that, but I left out the part where they should light it on fire and put it our with their urine and sprinkle the ashes in Glenn Beck's coffee.

He claims the American public are somehow confused as to Obama's birthplace and assumes that everyone is as gullible as he is and buys into the birther nonsense. As if Texas didn't have enough image problems, this intellectual midget won't accept the facts behind the President's birth in Hawaii and would rather believe in internet rumours. He's gone on record stating that our elected Commander in Chief is God's punishment on America. It seems the Lord only serves to punish Republicans for reasons I don't understand.

He finally took to CNN to discuss this with Anderson Cooper. Predictably the journalist hit him with all the facts that dispute the birther bullshit as well as Obama's youthful travel plans. Berman had no answer for any of it, but held true to his beliefs. The Representative clearly displayed his idiocy and I hope the citizens of Tyler see this and vote him out come next election. Not only is this bill insane, but it's unconstitutional as well.

"I believe that Barack Obama is God's punishment on us today, but in 2012, we are going to make Obama a one-term president." - Leo Berman

Bad Movies I Love part 29

I'm not an action movie buff by any means. Most are devoid of plot, are at times redundant, and the over the top action results in a roll of the eyes rather than fill me with excitement. Most cinema snobs find testosterone laced violent films to be all about visuals and no story, but oddly enough those same folk will praise a musical for doing the same thing.

I plopped in the disk for 'The Expendables' expecting nothing. Actually I was pretty set in my mind that it would suck, but I gave it a go on the recommendations of a few.

It delivered exactly what it promised. The plot was thin at best, but the characterization made up for it. This script has a sense of humor about itself. It's attempts at humor were largely successful and the cast is brilliant. The action wasn't too hokey and the fight scenes were impressive. It's hard to recommend this as I'm sure very few will put up with lack of narrative, but when one leaves their brain at the door to have some fun they will find themselves having as good a time as the filmmakers. This is steroid laden testosterone fest doesn't dissapoint.

Shit blew up, and it blew up what good.

Wanna see a film reviewed by Wiwille? Drop me an email or comment and you'll see it soon on One Bad Apple. Rules are posted here.

"Expendables is the closest thing to movie Viagra yet invented. It's reprehensible. It's stoopid violent. It's a lot of unholy fun." - Ty Burr

Sigh

Last night I did the unthinkable. I broke a promise to myself as I sat down to watch an episode of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska'. Please allow me to share my pain with you.

The show started with an awful country song that urged it's listeners to 'follow me'. The implications of that lyric are obvious as the intro cut scenes of her and her family doing outdoorsy activities with it finally ended with her arms stretched out over a nice view of the Alaskan landscape.

Finally after hearing that terrible music we're introduced to the half term Governor as she details the plans for last night's episode. As it was a rerun from last week we're told that she wanted to get her daughter Bristol, who's currently in the limelight herself with the dancing show and being an advocate for abstinence after being knocked up at an early age, out of the fame world. For whatever reason she felt that the best way to protect her daughter from the scrutiny of media consumers is best dealt by having a camera crew follow her in her private moments. The logic escapes me.

The show went on to highlight her folksy wisdom as she sometimes made a political jab thinking liberals would go crazy at the fact that she likes to skeet shoot. She often does failed attempts at humor in her interviews and we do laugh, although not with her. It's painfully clear that she has little experience in the outdoors, but that's what makes the show somewhat entertaining. They call it Sarah Palin's Alaska, but really it seems as if she's a fish out of water in the state she claims to love. The real comedy ensues when she tries something new, albeit at her expense.

Still there are other things to enjoy about the show. Alaska does look beautiful in it's majestic shots and the program somewhat humanizes her and her family. Anyone can get far in politics so long as they can work a crowd and Sarah has proved that in spades. Her travelogue is revealing which is refreshing and doesn't edit to make her seem more intelligent or competent.

If you can put behind the fact that this idiot was so close to being leader of the free world the show has its moments and provides a great look at the culture of Alaska, but her ambitions disturb me too much to enjoy it.

"Buck up or stay in the truck." - Sarah Palin

Be thankful

Tomorrow is the holiday Americans know and love and that is Thanksgiving. A fateful day where Pilgrims were saved from a harsh winter by the generosity of Native Americans. Sadly their giving was rewarded with small pox and genocide, but still I always consider the end of harvest meal as one of my favorite holidays. It's one in which no religion is exploited by retailers nor is it's orgins dubious. People can celebrate or not at their will.

I'm a bit saddened by the fact that this year I won't be doing anything charitable for folks less fortunate than I. I hope to make that up next year as I become more familiar with the surroundings and giving campaigns. I have much to be thankful for this year though; and I hope to never forget it. I have a healthy body, a wonderful wife, and a beautiful home. I'll never forget this Thanksgiving.

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart

Panic

Streets are packed with nervous travellers, widespread panic has threatened the local economy, people are shut within their dwelling fearing what lays outside, and the government is scrambling to keep everyone safe. You would think Cthulu has risen, but it's not so dramatic. The cause for such chaos is four inches of snow in Seattle.

I love snow, but sadly I was in the minority when I was living in Washington. When new flakes hit the ground it caused most to freak the hell out and drive in a manner unfit for God or man. Disregarding common sense procedures many would slam on their brakes at any sign of trouble and try to speed up a hill that was unfit for them to handle without giving thought as to down shifting or the like.

I used to ski a lot so driving in snow wasn't a huge deal for me. Earlier this year I drove over a snow covered White Pass in a packed little VW and it's a small miracle I survived the ordeal. I was fully aware of the rules for a safe journey, but again I was in the minority. The freeways were packed with commuters who refused to travel more than 10 mph and turned the interstate into a parking lot. Dreading a low speed collision a sense of neurosis swept the land which makes traversing Seattle and the Eastside an almost impossibility. Some Facebook reports claim that some spent hours on the road attempting to get home from work, while some just spent the night at the office rather than brave the concrete jungle.

One year I spent Christmas trapped inside my apartment as I couldn't even get up the hill out of the place. It was worth it though as snow is one of nature's beauty's that I can't get enough of.

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water." - Carl Reiner

True love

My love for my wife is eternal as I pledged to her that fateful day a few months ago. As I found out last night it's reciprocated.

My stomach was churning from digesting awful frozen Costco food that was consumed the previous evening. I complained about it and the wife handed me some Tums. I eat a couple hoping that it would help matters, to which it did, but not in a manner that was pleasant.

I take the dogs outside while the wife was lying in bed watching television. As I'm about to shut the door I felt the gas creep through me and I couldn't hold it any longer. I decided instead of wandering into the room with a farty butt I let it all out in the living room hoping the wife couldn't hear.

"OH MY GOD," she cried with a giggle. My attempts at stealth failed me as she worried about my colon rupturing.

We laughed it off as I stood still in the living room so not to bring the nauseating aroma into the bedroom. She thanked me.

I finally go in the room to watch television with her, but my butt had yet to release all of it's gaseous contents. I make an excuse to get a drink of water in the kitchen and it happened again, this time at a decibel so loud I'm sure our poor neighbors were shook awake.

"OH MY GOD," she repeated as she laughed some more. What she failed to realize is that I was doing some hip shaking in conjunction with each passing of the gas for reasons I can't explain. I guess if farting is worth doing, it's worth doing right. She did not bear witness to such comedy, but that's probably for the best.

Being a newlywed everyones' given me advice on everything from finances, child discipline, religion, and how to let her decorate everything if you want to maintain a happy relationship. No one had told me how to properly fart and for this they've all failed me. I think wedding officiants need to include this in couples' vows.

"I promise to stand beside you in sickness, in fartiness, and in health."

It doesn't exactly spark a romantic note, but all couples should take this into consideration when tying the knot. Thankfully my wife continues to be married to me after all I subjected her to last night. It was a good sign that I have a wonderful life partner.

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different." - Kurt Vonnegut

Should one vote?

A couple from Minneapolis has decided to enter the arena of the abortion debate in an unconventional manner. They are currently pregnant, but are not sure whether to have the child or not. They admit quite candidly that they are selfish and are nervous about disrupting the status quo that is their relationship so they've set up a website where people can vote whether to terminate the fetus or give birth to it.

Not surprising this has caused quite a bit of controversy amongst the pro-life movement, but it has sparked my interest. Should birthing a child be put to the majority of internet dwellers? If those against abortion succeed how will the parents tell their kid that about the matter? Will they tell the kid at all for that matter leaving them to possibly stumble across this whole online drama in their later years? Can this result negatively on the child's psyche?

I can't imagine leaving such an important decision to the will of the online community, but the couple has a point. If you feel strongly about the practice of abortion, for or against, this is your time to put your money where your mouth is and get involved. Still I imagine the pro-lifers are normally more passionate about child birth than pro-choicers are about defending the surgery. Maybe the couple is banking on the fact and truly want to have the baby, but one can never tell.

Their website is down at the moment, but you can read more about their story through the lens of a pro-life website here. According to them if you want to cast your vote you have until December 9th, which is the last day they can legally have an abortion in their state. I actually don't want to be any part in the matter and let it be up to them and their conscious, but that may be the result of my constantly changing views on abortion. Then again I just wrote about it, so in a way I am involved broadcasting this to my four readers.

"The whole point here is to let people have a real way to voice your opinion on the topic of abortion and have it actually make a difference in the real world. By voting on whether to continue or abort an actual pregnancy, you are doing so much more then simply telling an elected representative your feelings. You are actually changing something in the real world.” - Pete and Alisha Arnold

Thursday Music

As I've stated before I'm not a huge fan of The Beatles. Granted I like their later work, but their early career does little for me. It's not offensive by no means, just not my thing. Still their talent is undeniable and they can't be faulted for singing silly pop songs when the band was young.

After the band's breakup the four of them went in different directions and still continued careers in the music business. Paul McCartney seems to have the most success, partially because he outlived two of his former band mates and some would argue he had the most talent.

Still I enjoyed Paul's writing, but interestingly enough he happened to perform one of my least favorite Christmas songs, if not songs period, ever. Just listen to it and the horrible synthetic sound and the lyrics which probably took ten minutes to write. I usually enjoy Christmas music, but when the holidays come around I want to break sound systems that are responsible for polluting the airwaves with this dreck.

Everyone has their low points in their aesthetic careers, but right now I can't think of anyone who climbed so high, but yet stooped so low:

"I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone doing anything weird wasn't weird at all and it was the people saying they were weird that were weird." - Paul McCartney

What I don't get.

Yesterday was the breaking ground ceremony for the George W Bush Presidential Center at Southern Methodist University. Of course there was controversy as protesters tried to educate the public that it's think tank was going to rewrite history regarding the corrupt and incompetent administration. This comes as a shock to no one, but it was interesting to see how diverse in view the Dallas population is concerning their former Governor and President.

While I'm no fan of his I'm curious to see it and I live relatively near the campus so a visit will be in order. Still I'm confounded by his politics and that of Republicans in general and I imagine learning more about him would just confuse me.

If you follow the latest campaigns you'll find all sorts of members of the GOP talking about cutting spending and fiscal responsibility, yet Bush led us into two highly expensive wars without any solution of how to pay for it. Not one Republican that I'm aware of would ever think of cutting farm subsidies, the failure that is the War on Drugs, or limiting pork from military spending. Of course none of them will have the courage to send all federal dollars that go to their district or state back to the budget.

It's all politics as usual and it's no secret Republicans are just as big of spenders as the Democrats. Sure they may put their money in different programs, but most Americans at their core don't want to see caps on federal spending whether they realize or not. Our legislature is just doing our bidding in this regard.

"Big government conservatives are spending trillions and wasting billions. Republicans are no longer the party of fiscal conservancy, but the party of runaway spending and corruption." - Sherrod Brown

He needed a friend

Friday night the wife and I drove over to the bank to open a joint checking and savings account. We approached the banker and stated our purpose. He looks at me with a smirk.

"You sure," he asked? "You really want to do this?"

"Yes sir," I responded.

We take our seats across from his desk when he asked the same question again. I told him we are recently married and have acquired a home so joining our finances is what couples do. He laughed, but then asked again filling the area with a bit of awkwardness. I just nodded in response hoping that would shut him up.

He took our information and then announced he was going through a divorce. We gave him our sympathies, but he went on about how his wife is giving him the boot after ten years of being together. He then started asking dating advice as he tried to garner empathy for the fact that he is short and when he tells women he's a banker they get the wrong impression about his financial situation.

We tried to give him the best advice possible, but considering how unconventional our circumstances were in meeting we probably weren't the best couple to ask. Still we just kept telling him to put himself out there and see what happens. Not the most profound advice ever given, but true none the less.

He multi tasked as he went on about himself and his woes. He needed a friend and even a single serving one would do at that moment. It sounded as if he didn't have a lot of people to turn to in his time of emotional need and for that I pity him. Knowing a couple of people who are going through the crisis that is divorce I don't envy his situation. It has to be rough for the sad little banker.

I glanced over at my wife and selfishly garnered a wave of gratefulness for the fact she's in my life.

"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never." - Jack Benny

Boxing

This weekend I went to my brother-in-law's place for a family dinner. We ate a fine meal cooked by his fiance and decided to play some Kinect games. After embarrasing ourselves with dancing and what not he put in a sports game which had various sporting events.

I then decided to play the boxing game. I pick it and he set ready to challenge me. I know how to box. It was time to show off my skills at going inside on someone with the gloves. Fighting is one of the few sports I'm good at and I was poised to impress. I raised my hand in front of the Kinect controller, put up my guard, and made ready to virtually fight.

He knocked me out in six seconds.

"Boxing is like jazz. The better it is, the less people appreciate it." - George Foreman

Word up.

Last night the wife had an idea. She wanted to purchase the Kinect and buy a dance game. We made our way to purchase some goods and bought Dance Central for it.

The wife was organizing the new file cabinet while I cleaned my little man cave (which has been decorated by the wife) and set up the motion sensor controller. After a brief tutorial on how to use it I put in the Dance Central disk.

Now I can game. I enjoy some time alone to play a good challenging and fun video game and I was sure this would be no different. I'm good at everything I do anyways. How hard could it be?

It was so difficult I couldn't even pass the dance tutorials. The DJ even commented on how I sucked and that I need practice doing the simplest of moves. Luckily the wife wasn't around to laugh at my suckage. She can dance, but she married someone who hasn't fulfilled the art of hip hop moves. I finally found a game she can easily kick my ass at, well besides Big Buck Hunter.

"I don't know; it just seemed like the cooler guys are playing Xbox. At least the ones I know." - Liz Phair

Thursday Music

Today is indeed Veteran's Day, a day which the country gives thanks to those who serve(d) in the armed forces. Many in the media, traditional and social, remind us of how we should honor those in uniform by showing our gratitude for the freedoms we enjoy and often take for granted.

I know many veterans, but none of which signed up for any sense of patriotic duty. I may be mistaken, but the norm amongst my social circle was that they joined up to enjoy the benefits of service, get an education, see the world, learn a trade, etc. Regardless of their intentions they do deserve a thanks and much, much more.

While I'm sure all who we honor are grateful for our thanks, I can't help but feel that it might ring hollow. While they cheat death at their jobs an apathetic nation sits back in their Snuggies while consuming shallow bits of pop culture and make little to no attempt to shape policy in their favor. When's the last time any of us have written a Congressman to extend medical benefits for them? Oh I forgot government run health care is evil socialism. Sorry.

Worse still is we Americans don't give two shits about our foreign policy. We turn a blind eye to the lessons of history and shrug our shoulders when soldiers are sent to perish to put third world tyrants in power or protect corporate interests. Look at our news today. It's never about the ongoing conflicts in Afghanistan or Iraq where many lose their lives. It's all about self interests, our economy, Taylor Swift, etc.

The military doesn't make policy, we civilians do. Instead of exercising our rights to benefit those in uniform we instead make Facebook status updates and blog posts...wait what?

If we really want to give thanks we'd take action instead of just reciting words we're told to say. So while I do give praise to those who serve; past, present, and future I also have to apologize for not doing enough to make their service a better one.

So today dear readers I give you one of my favorite military songs that was used in one of my least favorite war film:

"On the battlefield, the military pledges to leave no soldier behind. As a nation, let it be our pledge that when they return home, we leave no veteran behind." - Dan Lipinski

Advice

Last night I spent a good amount of time speaking with a friend concerning his horrific divorce. He wanted advice and an outsiders perspective on the fact his soon to be ex-wife wants nothing more than to see him miserable and broke. I listened for a good couple hours as he chronicled all the little things she does to try and get a reaction out of him, like calling him an asshole every time she sees him.

To give you a little background she left my friend for his best friend of over twenty years, but what started off as an amicable split has now turned ugly. She now wants as much money as she can get from his already broke ass and is involving their child in the matter. Every time my friend disciplines his kid the tyke reminds him that he's going to tell his mother about said incident. The kid asks his dad why mom hates him and calls him names and will recite conversations about my friend.

And there's more, so much more. She lies and has taken all of his things from the house including cabinets, appliances, counter tops, etc. Since she's moving in with his ex-best friend we figure they're doing a remodel with the materials he used to build her that home.

And it gets so much worse...

He went on and on about his woes, but he wanted advice and sadly I couldn't give him any. In my experience if I'm dealing with someone who I consider to be an evil shrew I just simply don't contact them anymore. He's not in such a luxurious position as he rattles his brain every night wondering what he's done to be the object of such scorn, but people change and in this case his wife did for the worse. All I could do was listen, wish him the best, offer him a place to stay in case he needs to get away for a weekend, and remind him to keep a cool head in all of this. I'm afraid my words were of little comfort.

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams

Did you expect silk boxers?

I recently got off the line with a friend who's found himself acquainted with the dating scene after a seven year absence. He told me the story of how he approached a girl, but she didn't seem interested in conversation with him. He asked if the fact that he was wearing a t-shirt that said 'the more I drink the better you look' had anything to do with it.

Yes most men, including myself, are often clueless about what the opposite sex find attractive. We say and do inappropriate things that we find amusing to ourselves, but sends a lady to contemplate having her vagina sewed shut rather than risk any chance you'll possibly be entering that region.

Of course I have been the subject of ridicule by the opposite sex and often times for good reason. Such was the case after football practice in high school. I was assigned with a couple of friends to carry equipment back to locker room so we made the trek with pads in hand. The three of us were talking amongst ourselves, but our eyes never met. Our gaze was fixated a few yards away from us where the cheerleaders were wrapping up their session.

Now I'm sure all three of us were told it's not polite to stare at some point in our existence, but no one explained how difficult that may be, especially when our eyes locked on something we enjoyed viewing. Ignoring simple manners we continued our banter as we fixated on our eye candy.

Wham!

Shawn and I walked into a waist high fence while Andy passed safely through the walkway between. The two of us not fortunate to notice that we were about to walk into an obvious obstacle flipped over it. To make matters worse, so much worse, was that the top of my flexible football pants caught on the top of the chain link, but my body continued to move as gravity intended. My trousers were then pulled from me by said fence and suddenly my tighty whiteys were there for all to view. I struggled to get my cleats through my pants which took longer than I'd like, but eventually I made my way to my feet

As I stood there feeling the gentle fall breeze on my bare legs I saw the subjects of my gaze were laughing hysterically at the horrifying display. Having no empathy Shawn, who also took a dive over the fence, joined them in their amusement. Andy couldn't speak as he was barely able to breathe.

All I could was smile, wave, grab my pants, throw them over my shoulder, and did a walk of shame in my Fruit-Of-The-Loom briefs back to the locker room.

"You can tell a lot about a person from his underwear." - Rachel Bilson

Texting

As I sat on the hell that is the I-35E off ramp going at a rate of speed that would match Abe Vigoda's current sprint record I took a glimpse in the rear view mirror. The girl, who seemed to be about my age, wasn't looking at the car in front of her (me) and was fixing her gaze in her lap.

Great. She's texting while driving.

I took more notice of her waiting for her to park her vehicle in my trunk, but she decided that texting wasn't her only multi-tasking skill. She brought up her cell phone, smiled at it, and then placed it in her lap.

She's sending cell pics of herself. Awesome.

Of course that picture didn't seem to do her looks justice as she took more and more pics of her smiling self. Amazingly this did not seem to hinder her ability to operate a motor vehicle. Obviously she was sending these to a potential suitor, or a far off significant other who wanted a glimpse of her, but although I couldn't help think if this was the result of something scandalous and I attempted to put my cynicism to rest. After her 14th pic she seemed to have picked a winner and sent it to her intended.

I should have just got out of my car and offered my photographic assistance.

"Texting is not flirting, if you don't care about me enough to say the words than that's not love, I don't like it." - Lauren Graham

Thursday Music

Sometimes I surprise myself with the music I tend to like. I'll be listening to the radio and a song will come on that does not fit the genre that I'm normally accustomed to, but for whatever reason I'm drawn to it. Usually though after a few listens I get bored with it as it offers little more than catchy beats and simple lyrics.

Such is the case with The Temper Trap's 'Fader'. I was driving to Lowe's one day and I heard the song play over the airwaves (yes I'm one of the few that still listens to terrestrial radio for music when I'm not tuned into NPR) and was hooked. You can tell their influences as they make it kind of obvious, but still I enjoy it's simplistic melody.

This song has not been what one would call a hit spanning cross genres, but that's to be expected. So today I bring you a song which will be largely be forgotten soon by consumers, sadly.

"Anybody who thinks pop music's easy should try to make a pop single and find out that it isn't." - Robert Wyatt